Am I unreasonable?

I have to get some honest opinions here. Don't say what you think I want to hear but the truth as you see it.

Okay, my stepson lives in "MY" town. He followed us here when we moved. I was always very good to him and he stabbed me in the back in a big way and then, lied about it to his dad. I haven't spoken or seen him in over a year.

My husband has never addressed this issue with his son and I have basically been treated like an outsider. However, my husband is now faced with being with me on holidays or with his son. I refuse to be around him.

Okay, my husband comes home once a month. This means I only see him 4-5 days a month, sometimes only 3. He will leave for half a day and go see his son, leaving me alone. I'm alone all the time as it is so it feels like a slap in the face. Last time, he went to dinner with his son and girlfriend and I only agreed to it because he said he was going to have a talk with his son in regards to his behavior, lying, etc. That conversation never took place.

I don't think I should have to share my time. If he came home every week end it would be different. I'm not expecting him to not see his son but my spirit is telling me this isn't right. Add to this, he takes my car so I'm stuck at home.

I was thinking that when he comes home this week end, and wants to see his son, I would tell him to have his son pick him up so I can have my car. Then, I'll go do something with my girlfriends.

This has been a mess for a long time and I'm learning to detach but I'm not sure if I have the right attitude or am being a b#$@%. God knows I've earned the right to be one!

What do you think? If I was in my husband's shoes, I wouldn't take my very short time with him and leave him for one minute to go see my daughter or son. Especially if they'd treated him poorly. I would have nipped it in the bud a long time ago.

Help!

[ March 23, 2005, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Oh yoi yoi yoi as my mother would say. First of all you ARE NOT a b@#*#. This young man has been evil and horrible to you and it continues. Its like some dam contest. I have a splendid idea, do you have a good friend, someone you can stand being around for a couple of days? Don't be there with your car when the jerk comes home. Don't cal or bother with him in anyway. If you come home before he leaves just say oh, you here??? Don't play the game, let the guy think you couldn't care less and he'll probably start wondering why? I've done this and it works every time....They can not want you BUT go nuts if they feel not wanted by you....You're too good for this treatment.

[ March 23, 2005, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Dianne, see the private message I sent

JJ

Dianne, have you had this conversation with your husband? Does he know you are hurting?

I think he should be able to see his son when he's home. If you didn't resent his son, you would want him to see his son too. Don't you think?

I belive it's the pent up anger you have that is making you feel this way.

I'm all for compromising in marriages. See if he'll meet you halfway. Perhaps he could see his son, but not for quite so long. Make it at a time when you have something else to do.

Yes, we've had this conversation. He's the most stubborn man I know. And I do have a lot of pent up anger. A year of this crap. Seriously, I'm not sure I even love him anymore. Now, I can stay in my nice home and do my own thing, which to me, sounds good. I don't really want to be divorced but then, I don't feel like I'm married. I should add that he took this job out of state without ever asking me what I felt. Just took it and was gone. Oh, he told me about it but not once did he ask me what I thought. Then, he calls me about two months later, saying he wants me to move there and we'll get a nice house and also a small home in AZ that I can visit when it's cold in MN. The AZ house was thrown in because he thought that would be my bait. But, I've made friends here, I love it here and I don't want to leave. He was suppose to retire.

I'm glad he's working. He wasn't ready to retire and he was getting on my nerves. I was getting on his nerves too. But, I would have liked to be treated like a partner. He has tried, since then, to bring me into matters. I'll give him that much.

I don't feel he needs to see his son every time he comes home. If he lived in another state, he wouldn't see him once a month. I don't get to see him that often and that's why I don't feel like dividing my time. Maybe every other time but not every time.

Chatty, I don't feel I should have to put myself out to make a point. This is my home and I'm not going to leave it.

This is just a sorry mess. I'm learning to detach but honestly, I'm taking part in a lot of self-destructive things and depression over this. I have to get a grip and stop this. Maybe my ego has kicked in or maybe I've just grown tired of being treated like an outsider.

Dianne, you said...

I'm learning to detach but honestly, I'm taking part in a lot of self-destructive things and depression over this. I have to get a grip and stop this. Maybe my ego has kicked in or maybe I've just grown tired of being treated like an outsider.

Honey, this makes me realize how much pain you are experienceing over this relationship. It upsets me to think you are alone and depressed while you are married. What can we do to help? Anything?

I'm okay. I got through spells. Sometimes are good and sometimes are bad. I just stay busy with my writing and try not to think about it. Just be here for me I guess when I need to vent, moan or yell. Thanks.

From one stepmom to another....I'll be here when you need to vent. Email me if you like.


Lynn

Dianne, I am here too. You can always email me too.

Di the only reason I suggested you vacate thehouse was my ex was always SO SURE I* was there waiting he would come home whenever he felt like it, my fault because he was right. BUT then I started going and doing my thing and all of a sudden he'd come straight home and be a wreck because I wasn't there (imagine that!!!) he was good after that, he was there so he figured I would be too and you know sometimes I was, but not too often....By then I had had a gut full of his games. You have to do what feels right for you.

As I re-read this post, it occurred to me that you may be playing right into your step-son's hands.

By refusing to be with him while he is with his son, you are forcing your husband to choose between the two of you. To choose what he desires over what he owes is almost impossible for a responsible man. Your step son probably instinctively knows his father can't choose and is using the normal guilt of divorce to force his father away from you.
Your avoidance of the stepson adds to the situation. By giving him time alone with his father while you are alone at home means the kid has won that round.
Ultimately he may rid himself of the stepmother of whom he is probably extremely jealous. It is emotional blackmail, but your husband is apparently helpless to defend himself against the guilt of it.
If you could stop avoiding the stepson and become actress enough to giggle and snuggle up to your husband like crazy when the stepson is around, it might not only drive him crazy with jealousy, but drive your husband crazy with desire, and the two of you could leave the stepson out in the cold next time.

Hey, it might be worth a try.
smile

[ March 26, 2005, 01:47 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

smile, i love the way you think. Great thoughts, but I still hate to see the stepson lose out, no matter how rotten he may be. Everyone needs their daddy.

Smile you may have hit on something here. My ex had a daughter only a few years younger than me who lived in Cal. she would visit 6 to 8 times a year. I always made sure to be with my husband when she was there because she was openly hostile (jealous) My ex knew there was friction but he was a REAL MAN and put me, his wife first in all ways all the time SO to try to reward him I went out of my way to be cordial and after a year of me, she came around and we became great friends whether he was there or not. I still blame the Diannes husband for not kindly letting his sons know that this is his choice, his wife and they will respect her. Dianne sounds like they have beat you and you've given in...

I don't think I've given in as much as detached since I didn't cause the problem, I'm not the solution.

If I told you what my stepson did to me you'd understand but I don't even want to go there. I will just say that he's caused the majority of problems in our marriage and also, because my husband hasn't addressed them. But, my husband has to live with the consequences.

This week end, David didn't once talk on his cell phone. Didn't even turn it on. Figure that one out. It might be because he didn't want his son to know he was in town. Whatever. Next time he comes to town he can visit his son. He's asked me to come to MN after I return from AZ, to help him find a new place to live as his lease is up. I think he's trying in the only way he knows how. I will give him credit for trying. I'm not completely cold. He's just a very unemotional man.

Dianne, so you had the whole weekend with your hubby? Do you think he wants you to help choose his next place because he wants you there with him?

Yep, the whole week end and he didn't make one phone call.

We talked about the need to be together more often. We just don't see each other very often and I think it's making both of us a little bitter and angry. Not to mention, resentful. However, once again, I didn't cause this but I'm trying to work on it.

One thing that worries me is when I'm there, what am I going to do with myself while he's at his office? Here, I work in my yard and that is something I love. Winter doesn't bother me but my friends are here so I'm afraid I'm going to be bored out of my mind. I can write but I don't like to be chained to a computer all day. Something to think about. At least I wouldn't be alone at night.

It sounds sort of like things are looking up, like maybe he means well but just doesn't have a clue. I a curious about something you've said more than once, its that he is just not an emotional man. What was he like before you married him, was he emotional then, has he changed, was he faking a different persona? See the man I married was a fraud from the get go, he was looking for a property owner with money and he picked me....Talk about an Oscar winning performance. I take my hat off to him for that, I was totally fooled. Were you?

There were never any emotional events for years. Not until his sons. So no, he wasn't pretending to be something he wasn't but then, I was looking for a man who didn't have problems and didn't want to talk problems to death, etc. Guess I got what I wanted!

His mind is business driven. Always has been and since I love business, we had a lot in common. I started noticing that it was always about him though. I don't think he can really go to an emotional level.

Dianne, are you considering moving there? I don't think you'd have any problem making new friends. Could you get a home with a garden there too? Having company at night sounds like fun.

We discussed it and decided it wouldn't be smart to sell our home here. It has increased in value by $100,000 in two years and our realtor said to hang onto it for a few more years and we'll make a ton. It's in a neighborhood that we both love, close to everything yet not in the middle of everything. We have wonderful neighbors and it's quiet. Don't think we'd find anything we liked as well and moving is so hard on furniture.

We're talking about me going there more often during the summer. Since my daughter is here with me, she can take care of my animals and I don't have to worry about anything.

I'm not shy so I'm sure I will make a few friends but then, I'm becoming the queen of recluse too so....

One good thing is that if and when you go there no kids will be taking his time away from you. His work might but thats a natural thing. Sounds to me like you could have the best of both worlds if you lower your expectations just a smigeon....After all he is only a man, ha, ha, ha!!!

He's home this week end and I have three life scans scheduled this afternoon so I told him he should use that time to go see his son or take him to lunch. I think he was shocked. When he left I told him to have a great time. I think I'm working through this stuff...about time!

Good for you and you better believe you'll be on his mind the entire time. What are the sayings, kill em with kindness OR you can catch more bee's with honey?