Taking Advantage

A gal I know from here was married some 22 year ago for 16 years and got divorced with two kids from the union. Her husband had a child before they married that was two. The girl gave my friend nothing but trouble all her life with them, really serious hateful stuff and she is sure it had much to do with the divorce between them. Now the girl is 23 and every year shows up on my friends doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and stays in her home for weeks. She never puts her hand in her pocket or purse and lives high on the hog. Borrows the car, stays out all hours and even borrows her clothes.

My friend called me all upset as to what to do? I listened to the entire sroty AGAIN!!! Happens every year. Finally I said, kick her ass out! She hated you her whole life but now that you have a great job (she's a showgirl) making boo-coo bucks; she wants to now you again. That's cowpies and you know it. you owe this girl squat! So in order to make it seem as if she wasn't being mean my friend told the girl if she wanted to visit she would have to pay her own way, and the kid said: Why you have lots of money? My friend finally got smart and didn't say another word, she simply went into her room and began packing the brats suitcase(s). The girl called her every name she could think of and walked out slamming the door behind her. CASE CLOSED...
Would you have given her different advice, or was I right?

You were right. But, I bet this is not the end of the drama.

I agree.

Good for your friend!

Chatty,
Having lived through a step-parenting thing firsthand with my best friend, your advice was right on the money, IMO. Let's hope the "brat" doesn't return again. "Step" issues are on very sensitive ground. At least that's been my own experience.

My advice would have been a little different. Actually, I think what your friend did was kind of awful. Did she want the girl gone or did she want her to pay her own way? I see no reason to 'pretend' to be nice when you are actually asking someone to leave. Just do it already. But even if your friend resented it, she allowed her stepdaughter to come into her home as a guest. It's her own fault for letting someone take advantage of her. The time to change things should have been before she showed up or before she got in the door.

I just think that once you let someone occupy a bedroom, particularly if you have done it in the past, you have extended your hospitality and the other person has a right -- even if that person is a user -- to think things will go as they have in the past. If I went to someone's home thinking I was a guest and my hostess demanded money for my stay, I'd be out of there in a shot. But I'd be mostly angry that she changed the 'rules' on me without telling me ahead of time.

Yeah, I'm glad your friend finally stood up for herself, but she did it in about the worst way possible. I think she really should have just refused her entrance in the first place and told her the truth. I know she doesn't like the girl, but she really missed her chance to give her some guidance about being a guest and taking advantage of people. Quiet words might have still left her unhappy but might have stuck in her head. Now she will just think your friend went a little crazy -- after all, she did let her in -- and threw her out, and won't think about her own behavior at all.

One key element here is that the child was only 2 years old when the divorce happened, and since you say "she gave them nothing but trouble all her life with them", I can't imagine what was so bad at the ages of two through 10 or so.

A relationship should have had the opportunity to grow from toddlerhood, but for some reason it didn't develop in a loving way. Was the step mother supportive of her daughter? Did she live with them or did she only visit? What the the ex-wife doing or saying that could have caused problems?

This is a much more complex issue than just not paying your way. This is a young woman who may be needing a relationship with someone, not getting kicked out. How is the relationship with her father? Did the ex-wife re-marry? All of these things factor into it.

Wow! I'm not going to try to speak to the past, the situation which led up to the step-daughter leaving, as that is in the past now...

What matters now is really how things will progress in their relationship going forward. It sounds to me like the stepdaughter will "virtuously" tell everyone that her step-mom went off her rocker in her presence, and even thought she "did nothing to cause it," she was kicked out.

Meanwhile the step-mom is feeling proud of herself for finally taking action, and no longer feeling like a doormat...

The challenge is going to show up when the time comes -- and it will -- that the two of them need to communicate with each other or be in each other's presence for some reason. Could be a family illness, could be a family event such as a death or a wedding.

The fact is, IMHO they were both wrong in their actions and reactions. I predict there will be "blood," hypothetically speaking, before things finally get ironed out.

I suspect that the only way to avert this is for the step-mom to call the step-daughter now, and "eat a little crow" by apologizing for her "bizarre" actions --even though I am sure she feels no need to do this, because in her mind she is in the right -- and invite the step daughter for a chat so they can "iron things out now, before things fester and get worse between them."

They ought to meet in a neutral zone -- such as a restaurant or park or other public space where they can talk -- and the step-mom needs to tell the step-daughter how she feels taken advantage of. And then use the "detente" as an opportunity for a "teaching moment," where she explains to the step-daughter how proper house guests behave.

I'd do it now, so that peace can reign in the family and the hurts on each side don't have a chance to grow larger fueled by time and distance.

Not sure others will share my feelings, but that's my two cents worth, gained through growing up in a periodically dysfunctional family. (Didn't we all, to some degree?)

Looking at the issue from the girls point of view..
she borrows clothes..gets off with it...
she uses a car...stays out late...gets off with it..its the small details that add up to a whole relationship..mutual respect sows seeds for harmony

if the final blow up came out of the blue she may be totally unaware that she has been taking liberties..
so its stalemate and like Anne I feel that its the future that matters.

looking at a topic from all sides can aid clear thinking.

I am not nor never have been a step parent and guess it's a good
thing. I'm looking at the situation from Chatty's and her friend's point of view. It's difficult to see a dear friend
misused again and again. Ellemm, DD, Anne are feeling the
girl's pain. And it's good to look at all sides of an issue.
I'm unable to do that here. Right now.

I don't know these people, of course. I have no idea if chatty's friend really never wants to see the girl again or just wants her to be a more considerate guest. I don't know if they have some level of friendly relationship, even if it's not ideal, or if they barely tolerate each other.

Like Anne says, though, they can only go forward. How they do that is up to them.

Agreed!

There is to be no reconcilation as far as my friend is concerned. The one sided relationship went on too long and just because she tried to be gracious and not complain it only got worse. She has said she never wants to see this young woman again. The young woman moved in with an aunt and is driving her crazy. The girl has relatives and friends but does the same thing wherever she goes, takes advantage. She is what is known as a FREE LOADER!

Of course your friend has every right to end a poor relationship and to refuse to let someone take advantage of her, but I hope your friend speaks up about things that are bothering her in future.

In fact, I'm not certain it's all that gracious to be seething inside over and over and not saying something. I lost a long-standing friend over this issue when I discovered that she had been keepng a big secret from me. (Her husband got angry with me over a minor remark I made but no one ever told me about it until a chance encounter left me shaken after he started shouting at me.) If I make someone angry, please tell me. Don't pretend that everything is all right and then leave me wondering if you (general you) ever tell the truth. All she had to do was tell me I owed someone an apology and I would have been over there in a flash. Now I don't trust either of them; they were never going to tell me. What else have they never told me?

The other relatives need to do the same thing, though: stop the freeloading now. Sometimes you can't make people better but you can stop them driving you crazy, so I'm sure your friend did what she needed to do for her peace of mind.

Sorry to respond to my own post, but I did want to mention that I can well understand how nice people put up with far more than they should -- until they finally say, "that's it!" It's a shame when kindness isn't repaid.

Unfortunatey Ellemm, in todays hustle, bustle world that's just the way it is all too often. Yes, it's a terrible shame but no one seems to care.

Chatty, you're friend needs to mare up and kick that little filly out of the pasture!

She did weeks before the holiday and her life is so simple and stress free now she can hardly believe she took all she did for so long. As for me it is so nice to hear the happiness in her voice now. This is the first Christmas in years she is looking forward to.

We had a blast, no stress, no one complaining and enough delicious food for an army. My DIL is now, according to her my daughter, I am mom #2 as her real mom s still in Vegas and in March she (the #1 mom) her younger daughter and I are having a birthday party for my DIL. It should e a blast!

Chatty,
Nothing is more special than unexpected JOY!

Well this must be my month sort of for unexpected joys. My Grandson who just got married, Jason the Marine, his older brother Jared and his lady are expecting a baby. She is only a couple weeks expecting and he called to ask me to make them a baby afghan when they find out the sex of the baby. He is hoping for a aby boy. Me too I have some gorgeous blue yarns. This will be their first baby. I feel so fortunate to be getting new granddaughter-in-laws plus this newest blessing.

Sometimes life will come in and throw us a curve ball just when we feel the game is going our way. My grandson Jason, the young Marine was being deployed and we the family were thrilled he wasn't going to Irac or Afganistan but to friendly, lovely Japan.
He arrived in Japan and had been there several weeks when the earthquake and Tsunami hit. Needless to say we are all devastated as he is in Tokyo now helping with the aftermath of the disaster.
This reminds me of a saying my mother taught me and uses a lot even today:
"Watch what you ask for, you just might get it!"