Graduation and other occasion problems

Hi All,

Its been a while since I have posted. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer 4 months ago. I had a total hysterectomy and was told I am fine. No follow up, I caught it very early.
So life goes on, I am struggling to recover, deal with hormone issues as well as thyroid problems. On top of it, I am now in another battle with the BF. Here is how it goes.

His youngest daughter is graduating from college out of state. there are 4 tickets. She has chosen her mother, father (my bf), her maternal grandmother and gradfather. If she is able to get extra tickets its will be first her sister, then her maternal uncle, then me. O.K. I get it. I'm not at the top of the food chain. The schedule is such: friday nite dinner with everyone, saturday 9:00 am graduation, then lunch with everyone after dinner. Even if I don't have a ticket to the graduation, BF still wants me to come and be at all these meals. This means I have to take time off of work on Friday to get there by dinner time. The whole thing stinks to me. I take time off of work, drive 4 hours, have to eat a meal with all the ex's, sit in the hotel room during the graduation then show up again for another meal. The idea is so insane to me. On top of it taking more time off of work makes me very uncomfortable. My boss gave me so much paid time off when I was sick. How can I ask for more? I'm still taking time off for follow up dr appointments. I told BF I'm not going. So, we have been a giant fights for days now. Even if I get a ticket, I do not want to ask for more time off. Why can't we meet the daughter later? To me, Bf is being completely impossible. He will not confront her, says its about family and celebrating her day and I am wrong and its not about me. On top of it, I'm still recovering and a schedule like that really has me concerned. I'm pooped at a day of work let along running around like that. I really need some help here. This whole situation is out of control.

Hi Bonnie, sorry to hear about all you've been through, but glad you recovered and things are normalizing.

The reasons for you not attending the graduation seem plausible to me. And if they seem that way to me, they should be that way for your BF. After all he should be the loving protecting understanding person in your life. You could always push it off on your boss and say he won’t give you the time off. But frankly, a 4 hour drive for you is strenuous. Having a hysterectomy 4 months ago is not that long ago. I heard it takes at least 6 months to recover.

So stick to your guns girl. But try not to get sick over this. Be firm and calm. He has to simply accept you not going. There is really no basis here for a discussion, and don’t allow yourself to be forced into defending your decision repeatedly.

Thanks Edelweiss,so many times lately I don't even trust my own judgement, but my guts are just screaming at me with this one. My bf is a classic guilty non custodial father and has never been able to move past it. I'm interested in more opinions.
I'm trying hard not to let this eat me up, but its already done a good job. I went home from work yesterday and slept fo the hours. A combo of recovery still and stress.

BonnieK, welcome back. Sorry to hear about all that's taken place in such a short period of time. Please keep mending and taking care of yourself.

Will the daughter be coming to your area to live after graduation? If so, how aobut suggesting doing dinner with just the three of you at a later date?

How long have you and BF been together? Just to get an idea of how close you might be to the daughter...

BF and I are together almost ten years. My relationship with his two daughters have been rocky. Looks good on the surface,but their is no love lost on either side. The BF is the bigger problem. He has tried to force a relationship for years not only on me but my family. Of course it didn't succeed. They have their own mother and a very close family on that side. The added attraction is that the mother is very wealthy and indulges them constantly. BF and I do no have it, don't believe in it and dont' do it. I am all BF has. His family is very estranged.

I did suggest a dinner when she got home and of course BF didn't like that. He keeps telling me this is not about me. Well...I get that and it is her day, but man I am so far down on the family chain her, its pretty humiliating to me and BF is unsupportive. I feel like if I give in on this, it will be a lifelong pattern. Honestly, if I didn't go, I do not think the daughter would lose any sleep over it. She would just gossip about, but I don't care. More thoughts?

Top of your priorities ought to be your health, Bonnie. I have had total hysterectomy and fatigue was something that took months to be rid of. You are also still healing internally. Don't push yourself regardless of the pressure put upon you. Look at it this way, at the end of the day, it is you who would suffer the consequences, and not any other, if you push yourself too far.

I understand how you must feel under the circumstances with regards to attending the family gathering for your BF's daughter. But, you need not attend it if you do not feel comfortable about it. You do have health and work-related reasons to stay away. So, you weigh the pros and cons. Remember, that you have got only once chance to heal well and you must not let anyone scupper that for you.

Bonnie your BF sounds like a first class jerk to me. You just had MAJOR SURGERY and need his support and nurturing not him causing you stress. If it were me I just WOULDN'T GO, whats he going to do bodily pick you up and carry you? Ignore the jerk and go about your own business, you don't want to take advantage of what sounds like a very kind boss, you need to keep some of your sick time and his patience in case you need them eventually.
Your BF and his daughter sound like selfish, uncaring, spoiled losers. Sorry if I sound harsh but I mean every word. You'll find me to be the outspoken, tell it like it is gal in this group...
Heal, take care of yourself and ignore this BF of yours...Personally I'd kick him to the curb if he kept it up, let him go stay with his daughter, sounds like they deserve one another. The apple didn't fall far from the tree in her case. I'd bet his family wasn't sending YOU get well cards, calling or offering help during or after your surgery etc...

Yep Chatty, they were of limited support. And when they did, it was their father that prompted them to do it. After all this time, I just ignore their dynamic as much as possible, but this one put me over the edge. I am not making excuses for him, but then it comes to his kids he is blind. Otherwise, he is a good person.
Thank you all for your candid replies. I need this to know I am not hormonal, nuts or thyroided out (which I am, I'm checking my pulse now)It also helps for me to stand my ground. And right now that curb with him on it is lookin pretty good.

Heal yourself BK.

Sounds like your BF has this ongoing fantasy of 2 happy families. But that's not going to happen if it's forced.

You actually sound as if...you need a vacation some time....but of course, that's not realistic after your sick leave.

Look deeply to what you really want for the next few years.

I think BF is very wrong in saying it is not about you. It is. It is about your health and also about your relationship with his daughter(s), which apparently is almost non-existent. Tell him this; that you will go if he will go to your ex-husband's at Christmas. (if there is an ex)...put it into perspective for him.

I've had the same surgery and let me tell you, it takes almost a year to get back to normal "inside." Stress is not your friend either when one is trying to heal. Although this is his child, you are his life partner, yes? Your health should be parramount to him. If it isn't, then I would re-think HIM.

It seems crazy to me to ask your boss for more time off, endangering your job (livelihood) to go to a function you don't want to go to in the first place, to be with a bunch of people who don't want you there.

Another two cents worth.

BonnieK,
Take care of you. You're the 1 that needs healing. And you need to guard your emotional well being, too. I had a friend that knocked herself out for her stepchildren. They turned around and destroyed her. Again, I say, take care of Bonnie!
Prayers and blessings...

I am so glad I'm not alone here. After reading everyone's comments, I am steadfast in what I believe is right. BF did call me at work yesterday to tell me his daughter has managed to get a few more tickets, but still putting it out there for 2 more, meaning me and probably the homeless person on the corner (no insult to that person whoever it might be). I just said that was nice, nothing else. I have been thinking about the next few years and its very unsettling to me. We are suppose to life partners, but this last episode does not indicate that to me. I have had problems with BF over the years. Its always been related to his kids. It has gotten better as the years have gone on due to the kids getting older (note I did not say maturing). I am just trying to focus on healing. Hysterectomys really are bugger. I had two c sections a million years ago. This is much harder (then again I'm not 27 & 30 anymore)

I do need a vacation. However with no time off, I think I might get myself a pedicure today

You are all the best. With all the crap on the internet, this site and a great one called hystersister.com renews my faith..

I feel better physically since I have made a decision. You are all right, this stress is making me physically ill. I still am realing from "cancer" and recovery and a very busy season where I work.

Bonnie, you might want to go to the library and check out a couple books about taking care of yourself, or Google some articles about the topic. Sometimes when I need to learn a lesson, it helps me to read and delve into the topic. I them become immersed in it, and it starts seeping it. You can use some self-nurturing right now. I hope this helps.

Quote:

---

You are all the best. With all the crap on the internet, this site and a great one called hystersister.com renews my faith..

---

Bonnie, I discovered BWS through hystersisters.com at post-op! Hope all continues to be well with your recovery.