Holidays single?

I read a fantastic article in me* magazine about the holidays for single women. It was written by NABBW associate, Karen Baar. There were lots of excellent suggestions for preparing ahead and planning. If anyone is concerned about being alone this holiday season, I will gladly post bits and pieces of the article.

I am afraid that to me being alone is a frame of mind and a conscious choice. One two separate occassions I lost a loved one before the holidays and was devastated. I am single now many yewars, and pretty much alone. Yes I have a son and family but my relatives are thousands of miles away and my son is dealing with my DIL whose mother is dying from cancer in Utah so they are spending holidays with her, and rightfully so...But will I be alone, sure if I decide to be but I don't; so first I'm off to the animal shelter with lots of hugs and snuggling and turkey flavored snacks made right here in town at the doggie bakery. Then later on I will be at the mission serving those less fortunate than myself. Just seeing the childrens faces eating until their full, warms my heart in a special way. I bought a case of coloring books, for all ages, and case of boxes of crayons to be passed out to the kids as well....I'll headfor home once I've stopped off at church for a prayer or two and then have a nice meal. Usually I would have three or four residents of the Nursing Home here for turkey dinner but the new Administrator has changed all the policys there so that isn't possible anymore...After all these years single, to me alone is a mere state of mind.

Chatty, you know the true meaning of the holidays and act on it. I applaud you.

I, too, am single. I always have at least one invitation to join a dinner and this year I'm going. I cook a small turkey for myself two days before Thanksgiving or I wouldn't have leftovers (the best part) and make soup the next day. Movie marathons are fun if you have time for them. Sometimes I feel left out and lonely, but realize it's up to me whether or not I feel that way.

Bravo Saundra and Chatty. Celebrate your singleness in whatever way makes you happy, whether being with friends, sharing your time with strangers or curled up on the couch watching a lifetime marathon of movies.

You go girls!

I also have been single for a long time. The past few years I have TG the Sunday before so my son and family don't have to have 3 TG meals in 1 day and we can enjoy the food and each other in a more leisurely manner. That means I'll be alone on the actual day, but I'm looking forward having a whole day to knit and work on some jewelry projects.

My youngest sister, who is married, is very thoughtful about inviting my other single sister and I to Christmas Eve service and my family gets together at someone's house Christmas Day. But I always end up alone at the end of the day. I don't mind it at all now, but it took a long time to get accustomed to it.

I've been dating a very nice guy and I'm not sure what this holiday season will be like. I've met some of his family, but we're not at the stage of inviting one another to offical family holiday get-togethers. I'll be in Las Vegas from 12/26 to 1/2 and not all that excited about it now because I would like to spend it with him.

Chatty, I've worked in a mission kitchen for years in my past, and I felt guilty because I was blessed far more than anyone I was serving. I've noticed that singles, even Christian singles, don't get involved in serving others too much.

Dotsie, please post ideas from teh article, I would love to have some fresh ideas!

Daisygirl, why not ask him to come along to Vegas. It could be fun.

Chatty, I may do just that. My friend's daughter and her friend are leaving the morning of NY Eve so we would have an empty BR for him. We're staying at a time share resort. I'm not sure if he could get a flight this late and during the holidays. At this point he knows I'm going in December, but not exactly when.

CHATTY & DAISEYGIRL, I hope the two of you gals connect w/ each other in Las Vegas, as one of u girls lives there!

Chatty, the way you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving is truly what it's all about;
"Thanks and Giving."
When you sit down to your meal, dear friend; imagine us sitting with you, holding our hands in prayer.
I, for my part, thank you for being so active in this forum. I'm sure I speak for many of us here when I say your wise and often very witty posts are a true enrichment in our daily lives.
Thank you Chatty and God bless you.

Amen, Hannelore. I continue to be amazed by the spirits of the single women in this forum. You rock.

Here's a little summary:

-Tell family and friends how you are feeling. Don't wait for people to call you.

-Invite people to your home.

-Volunteer.

-Travel if you can afford it.

-Pamper yourself - take a bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, go to the movie you've been wanting to see, read a good book, sit with a stack of magazines, eat chocolates!

-Delve deeped in to your spirituality.

-Exercise, take a long walk alone or invite a friend, ride your bike, go to the park and swing.

-Choose what makes you happy by planning ahead.

And I might add, tell yourself you are going to enjoy the holiday season.

You are what you think.

Such great advice Dotsie and that last comment is truer than most of us realize....
Hannelore you never cease to bring tears of joy to my eyes. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I am not alone and have never been since connecting with so many of you wonderful, loving, giving and caring ladies here on BWS. I can't express the emotion I feel for you all and for Dotie, and I feel it is nothing less than an HONOR and PRIVILEGE to be among and accepted by you. I post everyday, and if I ever stop short, then you know I am with God. That is the only thing that could keep me away from you....

Your list is great, Dotsie, but my experience is people don't really don't want to know what you're feeling unless it's good. This is the only place I've found where I can express a sad or negative thought safely. I agree with everything else on your list. Thank you...again.

chatty, I remember when you landed in the hospital and had your friend notify us so we knew you were okay. You are so dedicated.

Saundra, I'm glad to hear you can post honestly here at BWS. I am so happy with the compassion of the women in our community.

I have given the numbers of my immediate family to JJ, and God forbid I disappear off the boards for more than a week she will call them and find out whats what and let you all know. My son has been alerted with numbers for Dotsie and several close friends and he is suppose to call them if anything unexpected occurs. I just wouldn't want to disappear from your lives and you not know why....I feel its a good idea to have a plan in place....

Wow, Chatty, how considerate is that. I think it's a fabulous idea to give someone we trust Dotsie's number. We should all do that.
Has anybody heard from Lola? She's been sick for awhile now.

This is my first Christmas single - surprisingly it has been very hard. If I could have gone to sleep about a month ago, and not woken up until Jan 2nd - I would have been thrilled.

Instead, I have to go with the flow - the tears - allowing them to come at the odd times that they come.

It surprises me that Christmas has been so hard - I've gotten through my birthday, my un-anniversary, and thanksgiving with flying colors.

I am just grieving the loss of the person I thought was my best friend -- the father of my children....my life partner.

He will be here tomorrow with us as the kids open up their presents, have lunch with us - then he will go home. It is just so damn sad.

Please say a little prayer for my family - my daughter is worried how tomorrow will go - I know it will be ok - as long as I don't get sad while he is here.

Hugs,
danita

Danita,

I think Christmas is harder than all the other days because we believe that the magic is going to happen. Scrouge is going to become generous and loving and all our relationships will heal and be wonderful. Or at least that's why I believe Christmas is harder.

I just spent last evening and this morning with my daughters and their families and my ex-husband. We've been divorced longer than we were married and have only been sharing Christmas with the girls the last 4 years. It is a special time for all of us now...but I remember that Christmas when we were in the midst of the divorce...it was so painful...I too wished to just skip it and wake up in the New Year.

You have the prayers and support of all your boomer friends here. And to all a good night.

I feel for you Danita, having gone through two deaths and then a divorce I too had the hartdest times on this holiday. I agree with Jane, this one day seems to have a special way of tugging at ones heart strings. I am alone today and having mixed emotions but long ago I decided to treat this day like any day, only with decorations, LOL and somehow that seems to help. You have your wonderful and beautiful children and you all have your health, rejoice!

Well, I made it through the "magical day".

I woke up feeling like I had 25lb cinder blocks tied to my body - felt that way the whole day (depresseion)...but we made it through. Everyone played nice...my kids were happy, that's what matter most to me.

Hope you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas!

Daniita

Glad you made it through the day, Danita. I must say you are a very strong and brave woman to handle your ex back in your home for the day. Playing hostess and hiding your feelings. You deserve a big pat on the back and a big hug. I know I couldn't do it.

Thanks for the pat on the back starting over - :0)....

It's a "God thing"...I just felt led to invite him over. Our divorce is just so new - and I know it was good for the kids.

Him and I have parted "amiclably" (however you spell that darn word)...of that I'm VERY blessed. He has taken care of us financially, and that is no small thing. I can be gracious in return within my own capicity.

I sat next to him on the couch - and just wanted to rest my head on his shoulder. I can't believe that the man I've loved for 23 years - is a stranger now. It just breaks my heart. I had a good cry when he left - my daughter was so sweet - she just comforted me and thanked me for making it a wonderful day. Even writting now just makes be bawl.

I guess it's different when you divorce from a person you fought with or hated -- I used to say that there were two things I knew for sure about my life...

1. I was saposed to be married to my husband
2. that I was sapposed to be home with my children.

I guess you can say that my world has been pretty well rocked.

So all I know for sure now...

Is that God loves me and he has a plan for my life.

I guess that's being reduced to a simplier philosophy.

Hanging on to the hem of his garmet,

Danita

Danita,
Oh hun...I can remember that first Christmas and me standing there thinking "Who am I? Who is this man sitting here on the couch? I use to love him?"

He looked familiar but the energy was so cold. There was nothing to remind me of our 10 years together, my life was so out of tune. My ex looking at me as if I were Satan himself because I chose divorce over letting him continue to cheat. My small children being thrown into a world of running here and there for the holidays in order to see everyone, and putting on the "we're doing GREAT!" face. What a farce. We could barely eat.

No support except my own and most of this went to pay for childcare. At least it was that way the first year. And that was the hardest year of my life.

I remember so well looking at him as he came to pick the boys up. I kept trying to reassemble some lost scenes; you know the ones where he and I were lovers, parents, mates, and best friends. Only I couldn't. Buckets and buckets of tears had to be shed before I pulled myself up and moved forward. I'm so happy to hear that he is giving you financial support.

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

My wish for you in 2007 is peace and understanding. I will be holding you so close to my heart, dear friend.

Danita, there may be other days that hit you hard when you don't expect it. It'll be a surprise and a challenge until one day you notice that you're okay, just fine, never better, and you'll smile and feel warm inside and know you that you've healed. I wish I could tell you when that will be.

Bless you and your children. We all love you.

Some holidays are harder for me than others. Xmas day was fine but I woke up feeling better this morning than I did yesterday. I'm secretly happy it's over and wonder how I'll do for New Years. I got books from the library today and planned my food (I just have to buy it) so I'm prepared. I notice that I do better alone than spending a holiday with someone elses family, which makes me feel more alone. Maybe I've figured it out! Maybe...

And too, remember that learning to enjoy your own company is half the battle. I rediscovered myself after my divorce. All my past likes, dislikes, movies, clothing, food, travling...all the things that had been pushed aside for years. Even my choice of reading material. So enjoy yourself! I know I do.

Don't you just love the excitment of a NEW YEAR and all the possibilities out there just waiting on us? WOW! I DO!

Danita, I also know exactly what you mean. I was also married 24 yrs. I loved him till the end, in many ways still do, but he had obviously moved on and is now married. I still cry sometimes after 2 yrs and just want to ask, was it worth it? Are you truly happier than when we were together? Were you really that unhappy?-because I was happy.....I truly don't understand men.

I am so glad you can see God's hand of grace in your life. That will get you through. I like the image of the Schulamite woman who held onto the feet of the prophet and wouldn't let go. I have kept that image in my mind through my ordeal.

Anyway, we are always here when you need us!

Danita, I am shedding a few tears for you as I post. I recall sitting with you at Barnes & Noble, chatting about our families and I could just feel the love you had for them. So the fact that the marriage is over breaks my heart.

I am so grateful for your daughter's love. Pretty amazing how they pull through in a pinch like that. They are much more perceptive than we think. May God bless her for comforting you and knowing you did what you did for them.

Oh how I would love to sit and chat with you at this time in your life. Are you coming to Baltimore any time soon? I know you have ties here...

Keep talking with God. He will reveal your plan in His time. I'm certain of that. Until, keep coming back and sharing with your sisters at BWS. Love you honey!

By the way, you look like a million bucks.

Thanks everyone for your compassion and encouragement.

This too shall pass.

I am very blessed...I know that for sure also!

hugs,
danita

The days ARE getting longer now.... does that help?

*There's an ancient Chinese proverb that says:
"The gem cannot be polished without friction; nor man perfected without trials."

*Climb up on some hill at sunrise. Everybody needs perspective once in a while, and you'll find it there.
-Robb Sagendorph

*Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss

*You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I know, these are just words, and it's all easier said then done. I send hugs to you both!

Anne,

Are you the gal who knows how to do background checks?

Have you thought of marketing your services to other single ladies to bring in some income? I don't know what it costs for you to do the searches - but if you could keep the cost down for your clients - I could see it working.

Heck, you could sign me up to be one of your clients!

danita

(ps, if someone has already suggested this, I'm sorry...I HAVE been absent for a long period of time!)

Make that two so far, sign me up too I could have you see if you can find any info on my missing son!

Chatty, do you have any idea where he is? Do a drivers license search. That's the first thing a PI will do.

Ladies, is there something virtual we can do to boost Anne as she maintains her caregiving status? Thoughts?

Oh, Anne. I agree with you about depression and absolutely understand your feelings. Do you have Medicare or Medicaid? Can you get meds? I took meds for depression when my father passed and it helped me. Only needed them for 6 months and then felt better able to go on. I'm glad you have us. We will be here for you. Please take care and keep on posting.

Saundra, great idea. Anne, how about a support group for caregivers? Do you have any in your area?

I've been running around the south a bit and just got back to this thread.

Danita, so glad you made it through...knew you would...it does get easier...every day...I promise!

Saundra, I agree with you...I'd rather be on my own than to be with someone else's family...a lot of people don't understand that...but it's less lonely!

Anne, do you journal? Have you tried scripting how you would like your life to be? It's a simple technique...you just write in the present tense and create anything you want in your life. It works because it changes your energy and your subconscious starts to believe it and brings it into your reality. I have a section on this in 'Where the Joys Are: Bertha's Guided Journal'. I'll be happy to send you one if you're interested. Just PM me with your address.

Hi, Anne:

Here he is with a rose for you!!! Happy New Year!!!

Anne, praise God for internet support. I recall my sister being invovled with a forum for cancer caregivers while Mom was sick. She learned so much. She even told Mom's doctor about a medicine he had never heard about. Though it wasn't the right one for Mom, he said he would remember it and possible prescribe it for other patients.

Every time I turn around, I hear about another person who doesn't have insurance. I don't know what's going to happen when all the boomers retire and have to get insurance on their own. Something has to change. I really would love to grow the NABBW and be able to offer group health insurance. Wouldn't that be cool?

Happy New Year Anne.

Oh, Dotsie, boomer group insurance would be wonderful! You keep that wonderful vision and it will come!

Yay Jane. It's nice to know someone else understands. Anne, it's okay to forget the bad for a few minutes and enjoy yourself. We never really forget what's going on when it's taken over our lives. Dotsie, don't forget the dental insurance.

Hubba Hubba! Lola...I DO like the way you think. Focusing on good, (to me) only brought me more good, not bad. If the "bad" was there, I could see it. Now whether or not I choose to SEE IT, or DENY IT, is totally up to me. At least this is what I have found to be true for me, not necessarily anyone else. I'm not trying to ruffle feathers, I'm just telling you how I, ME, MYSELF, react to things...

I'm in the same boat as far as insurance, but hope to have some soon. Dotsie, don't think for one minute that the BIG BOYS didn't realize that BOOMERS would be retiring and needing insurance. That's ONE REASON it is so difficult and costly to get. They saw this coming. It will only get worse.

That's one reason so many boomers go back to work. It's a sad state of affairs, that's for sure. But worse if you don't have it.

I'm with you though Jane....you get more of whatever you focus on. I think sometimes we send mixed signals to our subconscious as to what we really want. We say, "I want someone that would be good to me," yet at the same time, deep down we don't believe it will happen, so the thoughts run into each other in our subconscious, and therefore, the negative negates the positive. Does that make sense? Our minds can only handle what we BELIEVE to be true.

Clear as mud? LOL!

JJ,

I know exactly what you mean...I've recently realized that I've been giving my subconscious more mixed messages than I realized...hence, I haven't gotten the results that I really want...a house divided cannot stand...or something like that...so I'm making an effort to spend time consciously focusing on exactly what I want...the opposite does still creep in there...but I know I don't have to be perfect...it's a balance thing...the more positive thoughts I have the more positive my outcomes!

Good advice Jane! "...the more positive thoughts I have the more positive my outcomes!"

JawJaw, I'm guilty of allowing my negative thoughts to negate the positive, this can and has affected my health, relationships, decisions, etc.

One of my new years resolutions is to think positively -- for Christmas Jane sent me her "Berthasize Your Life" & journal! I'm so excited, I will read and journal when it's warm enough to read on the front porch! This is one of my favorite places to enjoy a good book!

Well about the NABBW and being able to offer Insurance, the more of us there are as members the better the rate Dotsie will be able to get from the BIG boys. So join up and tell all your Boomer women friends. There is power in numbers.

JJ and Jane, are you talking about those old tapes we play in our heads? Anne Lamott wrote a book called Bird by Bird -Some Instructions on Writing and Life (1994). I love this book and reread chapters throughout the years. She devotes a funny/serious chapter to turning off the old tapes and playing new ones in the radio station (KFKD) of our minds. I don't know if it's in the library but you might want to look for it in a used bookstore. It always helps me and makes me laugh too.

Saundra,
I'm laughing here because I gave that same advice in another post, another topic, about Anne's book. I treasure my copy and wouldn't even loan it out. I love her brutally honest writing style. I think she does an overkill with the "sailor" talk or words, but I still think she is one heck of an honest writer AND excellent teacher.

Saundra,

I have a story where Bertha has on head phones that aren't connected to anything because she is listening to the Bertha station...sounds like a similar thing...I'm going to have to get hold of a copy of Bird by Bird!

You can borrow mine if you leave a pint of blood with me.

Anne,

There is so much that I am learning about positive thinking and Law of Attraction. One thing is about reality. There are so many aspects of reality that you can choose to focus on...let's take relationships out of the equation for now and look at something else...money...

When I focus on my lack of money, then I actually keep myself in debt or broke or both. As a man thinketh, so is he...and yet if I look at my bank account and I only have $5.00 left after I paid the bills and I want to buy groceries...then I can easily say...but it's the truth...I'm broke...I have to focus on that...but to do so only keeps me broke...so what I do is to find another aspect of reality to focus on...there's always another truth...So I look at the fact that--the bills are paid...I look at the fact that I've managed to keep my bills paid on time...I look at the fact that there is food in the freezer and cabinets that I can eat...I look at the fact that I've always made it before...something like that. I know they don't sound like big differences but they are...and they are true as well.

Write down your thoughts such as:

I'm broke and there isn't any money to buy groceries.

My bills are paid and I have money left over. There's even some food in the house!

Notice the difference in how those two sentences feel. One feels discouraging and the other feels more hopeful but they are actually both accurate statements of my reality!

These subtle differences in thoughts and feelings are what changes your reality. No, I won't have $2,000.000 overnight but there's a good chance that next month all my bills will be paid and I'll have more than $5.00 left over and as I focus on the fact that the bills are paid and there's money left over it becomes more and more my reality.

Relationships work in similar ways. We attract others to us based on our overall vibration. You may say that your reality is that you have dated men who turned out to not be who you thought they were and that men can't be trusted...and this is a true account of your reality. But you can also find other true aspects of your reality to focus on...

I personally have some trust issues from past relationships and with good reasons but I really want to get beyond those now...one of the things I focus on is that I'm not the same person that I was then...that I believe in myself more and know that I am attracting honesty from others...

You can look at couples that you know who are happy and say, "See, there are some good men...and I know there's one for me!" Just don't follow it up with, "But they are all taken!" that sort of counteracts what you want! Look for evidence of honesty (not dishonesty) in everyone you come in contact with...and when you see it...get excited...proof positive that there are honest people in the world...


I hope this was helpful. I know it can be confusing and I would love to talk with you about this over the phone...I have unlimited long-distance and will be happy to call you...just pm me a number and a couple of times that would work...

Jane, that is great advice and I'm going to take it. One thing I've learned in the marketing world I'm in is that I have to smile ALL the time at work, even if it hurts. It makes my days better (even when they're bad) and people repsond to me if my smile is real - you know, it reaches my eyes. Some days it's a struggle if I'm in pain, but I keep trying and I had a very good week (Th-Wed) this past week. Can't wait to go to work tomorrow and try all these positive thoughts. I plan to have another good week.

JJ, I won't lend the book out either but I tell people about it or buy it for special friends as a gift. I secretly enjoy her sailor mouth...

Thanks Saundra...you have such a beautiful smile in your picutre...I know I would smile back at you! And I know you'll have a great week!

JJ, I was going to ask you if I could leave you a pound of fat instead of a pint of blood?

Jane, that is great advice! I've a habit of immediately disecting someone, looking for the bad rather than good, and then I have a good reason for not having a relationship or friendship with that person. Past experiences have left me wanting to not be close with others. Now, I need to flip that coin and look for the positive!

MustangGal,
I'm sure you'll start seeing more and more good things...they may be tiny at first but they'll grow!

Funny thing is this...once you start looking for the good, it comes in big bunches, over and over. Same with negative. If you look hard enough, you can find the "bad" in anything...even Oreo's. But if you look for the good, same principle is in play.

Jane, we take Visa, Mastercard, PayPal, and Blood. No fat. Sorry.

LOL! I bet you take Oreos! I don't believe you've found anything bad in Oreos!

Hey, don't they make fat free Oreos?

Anne, you're welcome.