After months of silence, he called...

Hello, Boomers,
I joined this forum back in the spring, posting my heartache at the ending of a relationship with a man I'd met online. He's a Psychology Ph.D., talented musician, age 50, unemployed at the time and babysitting a 3 year old. You all encouraged me and chastised me to "get over it!" and I worked mightily to do so.
I took two graduate classes during the summer, and when those ended, I spent time with my twin grandsons in Louisville, all the while working 24/7 to recover, and I DID!!! Over the summer, while I was still struggling, I did send him infrequent emails telling him how I was moving through the stages of grief, very sad at the thought of never having him in my life, to which he replied "sorry you are having a hard time, but I'm very busy." He had been hired as a professor at a local university and was "writing sylabii." Anyway, I finally realized that contacting him was counterproductive to my healing, and stopped! Now, after this extended time, I receive a phone message (which I didn't answer) of how he is thinking of me, our visits to museums, and how sweet, smart, and sexy I am.
Though I didn't answer the phone, as I was already in bed at 8:00 Sunday night after an exhausting day, it did stir me up, and I responded with a generic kind of email asking about his new job, and signing it, "Your friend."
Almost a week has passed, and I have had no response. What do you all make of this?
I think Chatty had said I might hear from him again when he was in a "lull" from other relationshps. Maybe that is the case. As far as I know, he has been seeing no one else, and I had asked him to share that with me if that were the case.
I was crazy about the man, but I'm also very aware of how much effort it took on my part alone to recover from contact with him. I'm proud that I DID recover, and am walking thru my days now without depression and feeling numb.
I have realized for some time now that I was too "needy" in the time with him, trying to draw from him more than he was willing to give. So now, I'm wondering why he contacted me with such an emotional and encouraging message.
I would truly appreciate your responses and insights.
Ariadne

He's a game player, weird and can't be trusted. Don't communicate with him again. Would you go under your kitchen sink cabinet and drink Drain-O which would poison you? In the same way, don't communicate with someone who will poison your mind, soul and spirit.

Thanks, Dianne and Chatty,
I haven't forgotten my communication with the two of you, and others here, from months ago.
Yes, I was emotionally crippled for many months! It is so good to move about feeling well again. At the same time, I acknowledge to myself, at age 54, how rare it was to feel so attracted to a man! Thinking this past week that my email response to his message may have been too "generic" and just friendly, without mention of anything emotional, but I had written him several times over the summer how I was still struggling, only receiving polite unencouraging responses. Now, why this???
One thing I know for certain, I will NEVER, ever subject myself to the trauma I experienced in the aftermath of recovery from the time with this man. Maybe I'm thinking it would be different this time? I do know I would respond and behave with much more caution and discretion.
Seeker

Hi Ariadne54,

I'm rather new and have only been posting for about a month. I recently had a similar experience with a guy I dated last year. About a month ago he sent me a letter asking if we could go out for dinner and I said yes, and we did. It went well and he asked if we could go out again and I said yes, but he had to go to a family baptism out of town and wouldn't be around for a while. Well, he never call and never emailed until I emailed him and he said he was busy and maybe we could get together the next week. I said don't bother. My reasoning is that he seemed rather underwhelmed and I don't allow myself to get into situations like that anymore. I think he is probably dating someone else, and that's fine, but why contact me?

Have you ever heard of the book "He's Not That Into You?" The author was on Oprah and he really makes sense. I think if someone is truly interested in us, we would not have to be analyzing all the time about why, who, what, blah, blah, blah. WE would not have to wonder if they cared about us, it would show. There are times, like with this guy that I say to myself "what the?" I try not to go there too much, because we can never in a million years figure out some of these nutty men.

You would be wise to keep a wide berth.....you already know what he's like.

Daisygirl

It sounds like to me this guy is on an ego trip and it strokes his ego when you pursue him with emails; you had not done this for a while so he contacted you. I think you are well rid of this guy. If someone does not care enough about you or even have the good manners to hold up their end of the relationship you do not want to be involved with them.

Angie T

I understand your situation and would suggest the following two books, both written by Rhonda Findling:

1. The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man; and,

2. Don't Call That Man.

I found both to be rather helpful and supplied reasoning as to why one can become attached to an ambivalent man, especially when sex is involved. You may find them in your library, and if not the price is cheaper at Amazon.com.

I know it is painful, he is not quality material, and please do not contact him again for I feel he will only string you along for his selfish reasons and you will be hurt again. Also, you need to heal, thus stopping all contact will enable the healing, this includes emails, phone calls, letters, google searches, etc. If he contacts you, it is only b/c he wants to fill a void for a short time, do not become his puppet, or you will find yourself devalued in his eyes and then he wins. Yes, this hurts, but you must stop the contact and I promise it will benefit you, not immediately, but it will. Do not live in limbo for this bimbo of a man!

Hi, and thank you all for the thoughtful insights.

I actually HAVE worked very hard to move beyond this experience and have succeeded. I was just surprised at hearing from him with such an intense message on my answering machine. I appreciate the honest and intelligent advice here, with which I agree!

MustangGal, sev. months ago, I bought the book DON'T CALL THAT MAN and found it very helpful. You're right, it's a good book~! I will look for the other one you've suggested.

I actually have succeeded in returning to "solo bliss" (as Chatty has described), and this contact was just a momentary glitch. I just needed opinions, and I thank you all!!
Ari

Ariadne54: I've not yet purchased "Solo Bliss" -do you like the book and does it compliment a single woman's lifestyle with confidence? I'm inquiring before buying! Thx for your help.

Also, I believe why he called is b/c he is simply being selfish. Like Dianne has stated, it is best for no contact and to be indifferent. Your indifference piqued his interest. I've been through this and have learned not to indulge -- it is only a waste of my time! I wish you well and look forward to yor posts!

Mustang,
I did not buy it either, but only read the online chapter. I was buying too many books at the time, and chose not to purchase it.
Ari

ariadne,
After all this time he calls? He reminds me of the disease called: malaria. It can go 'dormant' for years giving you no trouble . . .but it's still a disease and so is he!

He jerks your chain because he can. Don't let him.

Well, thanks, Unique!
There was a time when the sound of his voice alone would have sent me into major anxiety, but I've moved beyond that. Yeah, I was intrigued, I admit, but now back to my healing track and not disturbed.
Thanks,
Ari

Or...herpes. Just when you think they are gone forever, they return!