Advice on relocating

Wondering if anyone else who is single and doesn't have the benefit of a spouse's income to assit with finances has had the experience of relocating to another state without first having a job to transfer to. I'm wanting to move back to FL next year to be closer to family but of course job, money to live on while job searching, how to sell house and pay the mortgage until it sells, etc. all has to be dealt with and planned for.

If anyone has pearls of wisdom I would love to hear them. I've been wanting to do this for oh, about 10 years, and realize I will just have to up and do it rather than waiting for the "perfect" time.

Thanks in advance.
Kelly

Hi Kelly,
I haven't seen your posts before. If you're new welcome. If not welcome back.

As to moving as a single person, I've done it and my only advice is 'get a job first.' I have never moved with neither a job or a husband in the new area, but without a husband's income to lean on, it seems prudent to look for a job first especially if you are at midlife.

And with the internet, it seems as if finding work would be pretty easy. There is, of course, monster.com and almost all newspapers are now online so finding something should be fairly simple.

And even if it is not what you want long term, being employed simply makes you more employable.

Good luck to you in your move. Please keep us informed. If you're new, look around the site. There's a lot of smart women here.
smile

Sometimes if someone has a good profession and gets hired long distance the new company will move you in order to get you there. I moved to DC and the newspaper I went to work for paid for my move and put me up in a furnished apartment till I found my own place a couple months later.
Personally I have found that there is no perfect time and I have moved across country with 2 children 4 times alone without a job to go to and somehow it always works out....

Kelly, you say you want to move closer to family. Can they help you make the transition? I wish money did not have to get in the way of our dreams. LLL

Hello everyone,

Thank you for the advice. At this point my goal is to save enough money to where money isn't an issue, at least enough to get me thru the transition. Wish me luck.

Also, I have been on these boards previously as Kelly L. Stone. I have added back my family name to the mix just to give it a try for a while.

Best,
Kelly

Kelly, I was in the same sort of situation for many years. I had moved to Nova Scotia (the East Coast of Canada), but all of my family still lived in Ontario. It was only supposed to be for six months, but I ended up staying there for 17 years...but spent the last 7-8 years of that time yearning for a way to move home. I was too poor and didn't have a clue how to make that move by myself. Looking back, that inertia seems surprising, because I had made the initial move TO Nova Scotia all by myself with no job and yet found one the day after I arrived there. So you'd think that would have taught me to trust my instincts a little more!

I never told my family about wanting to move home, because I had already put them through so much grief with my depression. Looking back now, I know they would have loved to have me back home and would probably have done everything in their power to help make it happen. Sadly, I didn't recognize THEIR yearning for me too until I DID move back.

It was after I met my now-hubby that the dream of going home became a reality. I admit that it's sad that it took his money and strength of will to do it, but at the same time, if I had moved back on my own when I had wanted to, I would never have met hubby, so maybe it was all meant to work out that way.

Anyway, I say to follow your heart. Life's too short to not follow what dreams you are able to make come true. If your heart is yearning to move closer to your family, I say do it, and the rest will follow. And if you have any sort of rapport with your family, tell them. What can you lose? If they're not in any position to help, then you're no worse off. But if they CAN help, like mine would have, then who knows what can happen with their love to back you up.

Eagle, I like the way you think. I agree that you never would have met hubby and that was meant to be!

Kelly, does your family know you are planning to do this? You are not the first boomer I know who has wanted to get back home. I bet this topic could make a good book.

[ July 28, 2005, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Kelly,
I am also in the same situation. Divorce in process, family would like me to move closer to home. (I would too). However, son is just getting his head on straight and making plans to start college this fall and will have to commute-at least short term. I have been looking for a new job to help make ends meet for 7 months and haven't found anything worth while. I do live in a somewhat rural setting, but it only took 3 months to land this job 3 years ago.

Considering our 'boomer' age and how important it is for us to have a nestegg at retirement, I wouldn't move without a job.

Personally, my plan is to find a house or duplex that needs work, buy low, fix up for next two years, finish recooping from divorce, then decide whether or not to move, son will have graduated from college and he'll be on his own by then.

If I decide to move I can either sell high or keep as a rental property to continue to bring in extra income. In a pinch, rental income could be used to carrying me over till I find a job--course by then, I will be a big name writer and not need a J-O-B anymore!!

I'll be praying for you!

starting ove, who knows, youmay be the next JK Rowling!

I think you are smart to stay settled for your son. That's probably the best thing you can do for him at this time. I admire you for putting his needs above your needs at the moment. Like you say, he will be on his own before too long.

Dotsie,
From your lips to God's ear, as they say! I would love to write something that is as big a hit as what JK Rowling has done--who wouldn't?!!

It's so sad to think about moving away from your child. Children are supposed to grow up and leave you-not the other way around. I know it's the best thing for him right now, but I confess that I was also way too emotional about the thought of moving away from him--it just felt like I was abandoning him--even if he is 20! Parents don't move-kids move. I don't know, it just seemed wrong somehow...

Has anyone else gone through this--the emotional 'hey-this-is-wrong-parents-don't-move-kids-are supposed-to-do-that',thing?

SO, I could write a book on THE SON. I once had an opportunity to move to Gulf Shores and work but couldn't leave the son. I just knew he would perish. So I stayed. Now I have the opportunity to move home, fix up my Mother's "condo" style building in her backyard which has a loft studio screaming for a writer, and no can do. THE SON still lives at home. I'm sure that he will not be able to change the toliet paper roll if I leave. Do I understand your angst? You bet I do. Do I think you and I are hanging on to the cord? Well, I know I am. Your circumstances are different and I can see you wanting to get a warm fuzzy from the possible outcomes, but me? I'm pathetic. Wanting to walk thru fire for your children is not a bad thing...however, there comes a time when we just have to throw them in the water and say swim.

For the life of me, I can't seem to throw him.

JJ

Wow, JJ, what a dilemma. My parents moved when I was a senior in high school, and left me with my grandmother. My parents did ASK if I wanted to go with them, but said I would have to get my own apartment immediately upon graduation. I finished high school, lived and worked with/for my grandmother, then went to my parents, promptly got an apartment of my own, and I sank, sank, sank deep into the depths of depression, then into the marriage of domestic violence. So, dear sweet parents, I applaud and respect you for acknowledging your childrens' needs, no matter how old they are, and waiting until the timing is better for the kids, too. On the other hand....how much should a parent sacrifice for their children? Is there a way to have both: move AND meet the needs of the children? Love and Light, Lynn

Well, I guess I'm fortunate than some in that I don't look at it necessarily as a sacrifice. I guess I just naturally take on the role of protector. Its part of my persona...Dogs, cats, sons, anything but M-I-C-E. ick! eww! gag!

JJ

JJ,
If this is what YOU really want to do, I say GO.

And don't worry about leaving "the son" behind. You can't leave kids behind. Trust me, they follow you. If he needs you, no matter where you are, or what time it is, or how busy you are, or anything else, he'll be knocking on your door.

Trust me these kids are smart. You can run, but you can't hide. They'll find you.

smile

Actually I like mine around and they know I'm never going anywhere. Even the one whose husband moved her off to Texas is on the phone to a lot, and if she needs something, she hits the road to come up here. Motherhood is more than a life sentence. It lasts forever.

Lynn, thanks for sharing the kid's perspective. That's helpful.

Georgia, how old is your son? That might help me share some advice. Perhaps your move is what he needs to begin making it on his own. Just a thought. Keep taling about this with us. We'll try to help you make the big decision.

When I left Vegas to move to DC my eldest son didn't want to go so he stayed behind. His brother was joining the Marines and he went along with me to join from DC. I made sure my eldest son knew my door was always open and if he needed ANYTHING at all not to hesitate to let me know. Luckily he had a good job and many friends and did quite well the 3 years I was gone. It is important I believe that our kids no matter what age know we are there for them. It keeps them from turning to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. When my boys were younger I took the opportunities offered and they had to move when I did, it all worked out fine...

Everyone has different circumstances and things they have gone through. And not one of us or our children can be fit into a 'cookie cutter' life. when I was 19 my mother started pushing me to get an apartment, it was the best thing for me--however I had a stable home life that I was coming from and knew that safety net would always be there.

In my son's case, he is starting over as much as I am. Mom & dad are split, dad has turned out to be a criminal (how much does that play on the mind of a boy who always looked up to dad?) long-term girlfriend dumped him. It's just going to take time to heal and find a new direction.

Some people need a push, some need time to find their own way. He has made a decision to return to college this fall and knows he wants to go into computer network administration--that's a lot farther than me--at 48 still trying to 'become' a writer who actually makes moeny at my trade.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! He just called to tell me he passed his entrance exam. He is now officially accepted into the college he chose. He's one step closer to his future. PTL!

JJ, I admire you for giving your son time. I admire any family that maintains an open door--I know some kids abuse it but it's a much colder, scarier and more dangerous world out there than when we were their age. Having a place of safety to retreat to isn't all bad. And it helps keep them from turning to the wrong people for advice and help.

starting over, congrats on your son's admission. ANother step in the right direction. Alleluia!

Just saw this thread and wanted to add my two cents. I'm not quite at the empty nest stage, but I'm getting close. My idea to counter "empty nest syndrome" is to leave the nest when my kids do! They have plans to go off on their own when they graduate--one is looking at UCLA and one is looking at NYU--yep, we will be a bicoastal family for a while! Of course, things could change in the next few years, but this is what will probably happen. We have made several moves during their childhood, and they always adjusted well to wherever we were. We tried to carefully time the moves--birth to preschool, then moving before starting elementary school, then again before middle school, and again before high school. I grew up making several moves, too, and I have relatives scattered all over the country. There really isn't one "hometown" for any of us, at least not anymore. I raised them to know that "family roots" connect us to each other wherever we live, no matter how far away from each other. There isn't one place to go where we feel our "roots" are permanently planted. I love making a new home and new life in new places, and I would be bored staying in one place for more than about 5 years. My kids seem to feel the same way. I don't think that a "lack of roots" is neccessarily bad--I think my family loves to spread it's wings and fly instead of feeling tied down by roots. Everyone has their own feelings about this, but I know my kids and I are all preparing to fly off in our own directions. We love each other deeply, but we all are seeking different things out of life, and these things are found in vastly different places. OK--I also will fess up that I am not officially single, but I really am emotionally single. Let's just say that we have "stayed together for the children", but we are both about ready to go our own directions as well. Since our dreams of the future are so vastly different (he wants to retire and fish on the gulf coast and I want to move to New York and concentrate on my career goals)--there just is no way that we are going to make it. He would hate the life I am dreaming of making for myself, and vice versa. Honestly, we have been emotionally divorced for years. We try to keep the arguments to a minimum, but we have had the same conversation for years--we are nothing alike, we don't share any of the same beliefs and goals, we married very young and have truly grown in two different directions through the years (dare I say that I have grown and changed much more than him). Anyway, we succeeded in creating what seems like a "happy family", but we both are just dying to one day do our own thing--he's just a redneck outdoors type and I am ready to change from a SAHM to an urban career woman. We met when I was only 15, so of course I am not the same person now!! Yet, he's not all that different. SOOO--back to the subject of moving--soon-to-be-ex wants to go back to HIS original hometown in Alabama, I plan to move to New York, my daughter plans to attend college in New York, and my son plans to attend college in Los Angeles. So in a few years I guess we will be leaving our current family home and ALL of us will be "leaving the nest." I will admit that being near my daughter will be nice if we end up in New York together, but I sure will miss my son if he goes to the west coast. He seems determined though, and by that time I should be ready to watch him fly away and be on his own. I left home at a young age and never went back, although I did get married and wasn't truly alone. But I know many people who did go out on the own after high school graduation--some went into the military, some went to live at universities far from home, and others just went out to live in their own apartment. As hard as it is to let go, we are only hurting them if we try to "stunt their growth" by keeping them home with us when they really should be out on their own. Heck, mine are just like me and dying to go out on their own--even though I know they love me very much and wil miss me, I know that this is the way things should be. Maybe some people just have more of an independent streak than others. My brother is also over 40 and seems much less independent than I am about things. I know a 27 year old that still lives at home, and an 18 year old that just joined the army. Guess each person must decide when they are ready to leave the nest. I am glad my kids seemed to have inherited my feelings about this--they can be seen stretching their wings out often just dying for the day they can fly away--they look just like I did at that age!! I love them more than life itself and I will shed many tears when they do leave, but I won't cry for long because that will be my sign to get my wings ready to fly away, too! We ALL will leave the nest together!!

KateR,
I think we can all appreciate your views on the empty nest thing. THE SON has left (by his own choice) but I don't think I hampered his growth at all by not pushing him out of the nest. As Starting Over said, we are not all "cookie cutter" families.

I chose to let him make that decision for himself, and have always told my boys that as long as I have a home, they have a home. It wouldn't matter to me what age they were. I've also told my daughter-in-law the same thing.

Just as your love for your children is unconditional, mine is as well. That is what is so wonderful about a Mother's love... yes, there may be strings attached, but they become more and more invisible to the children as years go by...

If he moved back home tomorrow, so be it. I would welcome him. If he doesn't, that's okay too. As long as my children are happy, then Mamma's happy.

JJ

[ October 19, 2005, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: jawjaw ]

kate, what a precious post. I can tell your heart is with your family, and your dreams of your future are in the making.

I have one who has flown the coop. He's about 10 hours from home in his third year of college. I have two high school seniors who are anxious to spread their wings and fly the coop next fall. I am tickled for them with the many possibilities that lie ahead. And similar to you (except I include my hubby) we are tickled about our upcoming independence. I pray I embrace every season in life with excitement about the prospect of what God has in store.. Onward.