Whew! Hot Pants!

Recently an ex that I've discussed here before with quite negative responses to my question or issue called. My hard headed, hot pants self decided that I was strong enough to meet with him on a 'just a friendly chat' date. My goodness!

Of course my resistence intrigued him and he began laying the lines on so very thick. He sure has a way with words. His words made vivid images of our past carnal conquests appear before me like a virtual foreplay. I kept my cool, for the most part. But, the third martini made me loose my bikini.

Now I'm mad at me and sad that I've re-opened that tender wound. Silly me, I know. Now my mind is fixated on the things he promised he'd never do again. Now my mind wants to play these tricks on me and have me believe that he's telling me the truth. My heart has been through sooo much and I just don't think I can, even if he's telling the truth.

Chatty, I know you say that I shouldn't think from that end but plz don't be judgemental here. I've known him for over twenty years and seven of those years I've spent loving him, or what I 'thought' was love.

How do we know when it's time to trust again. I know many folk have forgiven their mates over and over. How do you know when it's ok or real or should that just be a natural feeling that no words can explain?

Our conversations that's followed that whew! evening have indicated lots of positive change...lots of introspection on his part and time passed to boot.

HELP! I don't know if it's just my hot pants telling my heart stories or what the hay is going on here. Could this be some dormat form of loneliness rearing its ugly head?

Sugaree Hotpants!

[ March 19, 2005, 01:14 AM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

LOL! Should I have posted this in the 'Our Bodies' forum?

Time will tell. Listen to your spirit because it will never lie to you. Somewhere, deep inside of you, you know the truth but haven't touched on it yet.

You might have one of those men that only want what they can't have...the big challenge and when it's gone, they are gone too.

I just hope you can find true love and this isn't something that will break your heart.

Sugaree, having been married to a liar myself, what I can say is they mean it when they say it, but they have no honor when it comes to keeping a committment. If they change their minds and decide not to, or they're going to, that's it. What ever they promised you is, in so many words, 'tough dooky'. And remember this, too..."You fall in love with what you think you see". Yes, that's a quote. My own quote. Hot pants and loneliness are a deadly combination. Do leopards ever change their spots? You tell me? I haven't seen it, but it could happen, I guess. Do you want to take that chance that it's a real change? Or maybe it's just a bottle of Clairol again....? Good luck, my friend. There are no easy answers in the love game. Especially when one of the parties doesn't play by the 'rules'. L>

I have to roll my sleeves up for this one. I am not going to be judgemental here, not one bit. Unique has hit all the nails right on the heads and I couldn't have said it better myself. Now if your hot pants need an occasional cooling have at it, why not, the men do it all the time? But besides using your "lower brain" use the one on your shoulders as well, keep him at arms length emotionally, men are compulsive liars and he has shown you his best and worst. He hasn't changed, but use him for a play toy, why not. DO NOT let him move in or let yourself NEED it to be true. Sugar you know me and how I think. Unfortunately I am usually right on the money and I agree here with Unique..."You do fall in love with what you think (and want) you see." I added a little. Be smart, strong and hell, have fun...He will!!!

LMAO! “Alright, alright! Take it easy and slow. Just hush it up because you KNOW she’s right! You’ve been there and done that and yielded the same results each time,” Sugaree says to herself aloud, then sighs, before replying to Chatty’s inexorable carnal revelation. She wipes the dust from her monitor to make sure she’s seeing all-knowing words of Chatty right, again. She commences to laugh over and over as she pecks out her reply:

Chatty, my only pitiful answer to my own hot pants silliness is that my physical bliss was trying to fool me, again, into thinking that this could work. The combination of his latest rise in economic status ($), his deeper concepts of life revealed to me after the cigarette in my candle-lit room and the sweet wine, must have caused this euphoric sentiment.

Ok, it’s day number three or four here, post Whew! I see the spots again, Unique. He was hiding them pretty good there for a few days. Cute, seductive and perfect spots, might I addJ (sigh). This just can’t be right. It’s so hard to believe that all of that was acting. We have more conversation than whew! as of late. He doesn’t believe that I will ever take him serious again. I guess he’s right. What a shame and waste. I can’t just have fun with him, Chatty. My brain goes into some strange mode when I’m around him. I’m good, happy and satisfied when we’re together. Then BOOOM! It’s all over and I’m back here crying the blues. The only problem is, I don’t want nobody but him.

Is there a cure for a love hang over?

Just TIME it really does heal the wounds or at least scab them over so we don't feel the pain as bad......Theres also SUBSTITUTION, when someone else enters the picture an nudges him to the side or out all together but thats easier said than done. One good man is hard to find in a lifetime. I managed one 47 years ago and haven't even come close again. I hope yours is out there waiting for you to trip over him. In the mean time try, try, try not to take things so seriously. Have fun and relax you'll feel better. I think of a few sayings here; A watched pot never boils OR Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened...and finally remember, flexible people never get bent out of shape....

Sugaree my dear dear friend one more added thought. When a mans lower brain (usually their only brain) is working they can be and will be sooooo charming and actually believe they are the person they say they have become, in the heat of wanting that release they will say, do and believe whatever it takes to fool, deceive and bamboozle you into the sack. I suppose we can't really blame them as they are only MEN and lack the two items needed for an honest relationship, a heart and a conscience..

boooo hhooooo hooo hoo hoooo! and then some more. What I really wanted to see here was YOU or someone saying, "Oh, people change. Sounds like he really means it, this time. He's working on his self concepts, he's got a 'good' job now and he can contribute more than just unedible beef...he's been knowing you for quite some time now so more than likely he WONT fruit up again."

But noooo! You have to go and pour red paimt on my prestine white fantasy. How dare you?!

Ok, on a more serious note here; you don't think these type change? Really. I mean, REALLY? Have you any experiences or heard of any, where those spots turned into the true spots and worked it out? See, I might be sorta stupid right now considering I'm still in my post whew! days.

This morning he invited ME to his church, to my surprise. He called just about 30 minutes prior to the start of the service, in which I do understand that his invitation may have been by design. However, for him to even recognize that HE is what may be needed for us, was certainly a plus.

I'm not Jesus. I certainly can forgive a man if He has with all of His credential. What signs, other than his physical displays of love/lust do I look for? I just find it sooo hard to believe that a man can touch and love and converse and whew! the way he has, had and so forth, w/o really feeling something, somehow.

Sugar, forgive him by all means. But fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. (Or three, or four, or five....)I've HEARD of spots changing, but I've never actually seen it. My STBX always talked about his baptism, how important it was, blah,blah,blah. But do the actions match the words? What were the issues that caused the problems in the first place? Any evidence of those things changing? Do you trust him? Are you willing to risk what ever it was happening again? Is it worth it? Only you can answer those questions. Check his back trail. I'd hire a PI before I EVER let anyone close enough to touch my wallet (or anything else I value, like my heart) To me, it's not worth it. Been there, done that, seen that, too. He sounds smooth for sure. But Tom Cruise is smooth, too. I don't trust him either. As far as guys changing...no, I don't believe they really change. The woman just learns to compromise. Even more than she did before. But that's just MHO.

Its evibent here that you want to date this man and want to believe he has become someone different. I am sorry that no one in the know has given you any answers but the truth. Now if you want to believe and want to trust and are willing to have your guts ripped out again and have your heart tromped on, hey have at it!! You asked, we answered. Only you can decide for yourself and if you do give him yet another chance and it does work, SUPER but if it doesn't we will all be here to hold your hand and wipe your tears and not scold you for trying. Personlly I hope he proves me wrong and you right. He is getting a wonderful, forgiving women in you, I hope he appreciates it...

Oh my god hotpants! This ones a beauty isn’t it? It sounds very much like your hotpants telling your heart stories as you have said. If you really want to get kinky you can test that possibility by donning a chastity belt and leaving the key at home next time you visit him. Then your hotpants can’t tell your heart stories. See how you fell about him just after you have left him like that.

You shouldn’t be surprised, or ashamed, that your bikini came off so easily. Purely from a sexual point of view he remembers which buttons to press to turn you on, and which lines send you weak in the knees. He’s not the smooth talker that you think. He just knows what to say, and do, to you. The same lines would have many other girls jamming their knees together. While the line s that would have other girls bikinis off would have you jamming yours together.
From your point of view too he’s a known quantity in bed. Unlike some stranger. You would remember good times in the past, when you’ve been delighted to lose your bikini and that can easily cloud painful memories.

I have to ask you one question here. Outside the sex did he give any real indication that he wanted to get back with you permanently. Not a line like “I love you” Guys even say that to prostitutes when what they really mean is “you turn me on’.
More a discussion of what tore you two apart in the first place. Not a laying of blame either. The male approach to a problem isn’t who stuffed it, but how did we stuff it and how do we fix it. Women only tend to look at the lower head when they look at males. So they don’t notice that this is how the upper head operates. The Mr Fixit!
The only way that you two can get back together is if you broke up over something totally petty, and totally stupid. And, as you have not provided us with those details, only you know if that’s possible

Unique got one thing right . You do fall in love with what you think you see. Or what you are desperate to see. And most women are desperate for that “perfect man” So they see a good man, or a liar who says he’s a perfect man, they see a perfect man, and they spend the next twenty years wondering where they went wrong. They went wrong kidding themselves that anybody is actually perfect.
Unique. You won’t like to hear this but the rest of this stuff about no honor and commitment and mind changing is actually far more common among women. 80% of divorces are instigated solely by women. That’s not commitment.
And its the women who don’t play by the rules in the love game or any other game. Boys are raised on the sporting field where the rules are rigid and enforced by referees. Girls are raised in the social area where rules are made up, discarded, abused, and never enforced. The “mean girls” movie is only the tip of that iceberg..

Chatty is right about your hot pants needing a really good cooling off before meeting him again but I’m dead against her idea of using him as a sexual plaything when it tears at your emotions like this. Can you dig up a reliable man that turns you on but you feel no sense of commitment with.? Even if temporarily? Somebody who will have you screaming, “no more no more” an hour before you visit your ex. With your hot pants well and truly filled they will stay where they are. And you and your ex will both have the chance to work out if there is still any real love left or just randiness.

Chatty got one thing dead wrong. Time heals neither physical nor emotional wounds. Not serious ones like this. I’ve seen too many divorced men who have relied only time and have suicided. Physical or emotional only treatment, not time, heals serious wounds. And this board is treatment hotpants. So stay with it.

Nor is the mans lower brain the only one he thinks with. That is a fifty year old spinsters tale. It was started by a young girl who had just left the cloistered world of a catholic girls boarding school to enter university and was shocked to hear happily married young men openly discussing their sex lives. A real shock to the system of a girl who has only been around nuns. For some reason her stupid remarks about men only thinking with their penises took off despite hordes of surveys which consistently proved that the favorite recreation of men is actually watching sport.

In fact hotpants, that’s where you have run into your problem. Your hotpants are telling your heart that this is love again, and your heart believes it despite your upper brain telling your heart the truth. If you visit him again don’t’ try to be strong. Don’t try to resist. Before you visit him find a way, from lover to vibrator, to cool those hot pants of yours off so completely that you won’t need to be strong at all.

On the issue of “these types changing” I have only ever heard on one situation where men change at all. And its nothing to do with romance or break ups. I’ve known a few guys, who have genuinely loved their wives, but have found themselves with unexpected pregnancies. Some of them have told me about wanting no part of the idea of being fathers until the first time they looked into the eyes of their newborn. And then describing how they suddenly fell in love all over again. So yea hotpants. Some men can change. But it’s rare, and fatherhood is the only thing I’ve known of which makes them change, but not necessarily, and not necessarily for the better either.