I have had the rug pulled out from under me...

This morning, the man I was dating for almost seven months called me and said that our relationship had gone as far as it could, and he did not want it to go any further. I was heartbroken. He was so kind to me in the beginning, and we had much in common. I felt very lucky to find him.

I did sense he was backing away from me in the past month -- not being as affectionate as he was before, not calling me by my endearing nickname -- but I wanted to believe that he was just worried about his job.

I feel sad not just for himself, but for him. I did everything I could to be a good girlfriend -- I was always supportive, never critical, made it a point to respect his interests, and did not care that he leased a BMW. I am afraid that he won't find someone similar in superficial Newport Beach. I also worry that I will be vulnerable to guys who may not be as nice.

He does want to come by and see me for lunch tomorrow. I wonder what else he will say.

I have been crying off and on all day. Thanks for "listening".

If you see him for lunch at all, somehow put on a face that says you are looking forward to the next episode of your life, be it solo or with one of the many who are pursuing you. If no one is pursing you go out and be pursued. Then decide for yourself if you want to risk going through this again. Either way you have a whole lot to look forward to and you should show it.
Don't ever let him see you sweat.
I'll say a prayer for your strength and well being.
smile

First of all, don't feel sorry for him. He won't find anyone worthwhile in plastic-surgery-du-moment Newport Beach? Pardon me while my heart doesn't break. He's a big boy and can take care of himself.

As for you, Jenny, being vulnerable to guys not as nice --- WHY WOULD YOU??? You are not a quart of milk with an expiration date. You don't have to put up with garbage because it comes with a jock strap.

I'm sorry that this relationship didn't work out, because it does sound like it was good while it lasted. For whatever reason, he feels he needs to move on. Mourn the loss, and then heal. Don't blame yourself. Sometimes we're the best we can be, but the other person is looking for something that is not us.

Understand your worth. Don't rush into the arms of the first non-serial-killer male-with-a-pulse who seems remotely interested.

Jennie,

Meredith always shoots straight an it may not be what we want to hear but it is usaully what we need to hear.

In this case, I thinkyou need to hear it.

You state you are grieving, normal reaction to the situation but then you feel sorry for HIM? Because he may not find anyone as nice as you?

He probably won't but that is his life and he made it perfectly clear that it is NOT GOING TO BE YOUR LIFE.

Grieve a bit, lick your wounds and move on. Also look into why you feel sorry for him.

Lynn

Dear Smilinize, Meredith, and Lynn,

Thank you for your kind words. I think I feel sorry for him because in spite of it all, he *is* a good person who says he isn't into the bar scene, his heart is in the right place when it comes to national world affairs, and he said that he would fight anyone who would hurt me. Even yesterday.

But then I remember that he blew off my mom's 65th birthday party to go to Las Vegas with his brother, which he could have done any weekend, his habit of playing video pinball while I patienly waited for him, the fact that he asked me to buy Christmas gifts for his parents while never volunteering to do anything for my mom, and I have to wonder that perhaps he has a few things to learn about love, too.

Gosh, he sounds kind of selfish and immature. Maybe you focused on what you wanted...his good qualities while completely ignoring the bad ones. Pinball while you waited? Hmmm

I know your heart is broken but I sure wouldn't let him see it or know it. I'd treat him like a worn out old shoe if you do meet him for lunch. What does he want to do...stick the knife in deeper or what?

If a guy can't treat your mom with love and respect...dump him back!

Jennie, I'm going to be very FRANK. So if you only want to hear nice things about this man, don't read further.

You say you feel sorry for him because 'despite it all, he *is* a good person" then you go on to elaborate on all the ways he proves himself not to be a good person.
Is "saying" he's not into the bar scene proof that he's a good person? I think not. Lots of men say that, especially if it will get them into your life and into your bed. Also if they don't want to spend the cash to take you to a nice club and ply you with drinks or believe you are morally opposed to it or whatever works.
As to his thinking about national and world affairs, we all believe our way of thinking is right and at least half the U.S. population will agree with us at any one time. The other half, if they are male, will at least 'say' they agree with us if it is what they think we want to hear and it will get them into our good graces.
As to fighting anyone to protect you, all men like to see themselves as the hero saving the damsel in distress and they love proclaiming their manhood. Also they know it endears them to us. However, at this point the person he needs to protect you from may be himself.
I wouldn't be too concerned about him skipping out on your Mother's 65th birthday to go to Vegas. Shucks, I might do that myself.
However, his playing pinball while you wait is flat out rude and shows a total disregard for your feelings. If pinball is more important to him than you are, "He's just not that into you." I would have had such a tantrum he would be terrified of being burned alive if he ever touched a pinball game again. (Of course I talk bigger than I act, but I do believe in periodic tantrums to clear the air and sometimes just to get my way-Hey I'm a girl-well an old one anyway-and that means I got the right!)
And conning you into buying gifts for his family only proves he is a 'good' person as long as someone else is paying the bill. It also proves that he is willing to use your good will to make an impression on others who he may care more about.

Sounds like him being a *Good* person is evident only in what he "says" and not in what he does.
Why do we make excuses for these guys? And it doesn't matter how *good* he is or what kindness he is capable of. What matters is what he actually does and more importantly how he treats YOU.
You will be fine alone and if you truly need a man in your life, someone will come along who is into you and will show it, not just say it.
If he wants out, maybe it's just a whim, but for heaven's sake let him go. And never let him back into your life until he puts action to his words and treats you like the beautiful princess you are.
smile

All of the above advice is excellent. Why is it when we are "in love" and I use this term loosley, we can't see the bad in our partner that anyone else can see??? It is a curse and seems to be indicative of women honestly seeing men. I am a firm believer in the old saying:
A person is treated the way they allow themselves to be treated!!!
Wake up, smell the flowers and move on...Its this slugs loss, not yours.

He invited me to lunch today. I accepted the invitation, because it was important for me to listen to what he had to say in person.

I felt he was truly contrite about hurting me. He had tears in his eyes as he told me I was the "nicest, sweetest" person he ever dated, but it was not enough to make a great marriage. I believe him, and no longer feel angry at him. I am glad that he was honest with me. I hope that we will become friends in the future.

I will still be sad about this for a long time, but I will no longer feel that I was "kicked to the curb", so to speak.

Thanks for "listening"!

P.S. As for the video pinball, I guess boys will have to be boys sometimes (he was a little younger than me). It wasn't *that* big of a problem. Maybe I made it seem so because I was sad and mad.

Jenny, I'm happy that you had the opportunity to put some closure to your relationship vs. strictly listening to the great advice you solicited here.

Do you really feel better now?

Did you have lunch?

I don't know if you've read the other posts in here, but I just read a book that you might want to check out. It's called He's Just Not That Into You. While reading it I couldn't believe the excuses women give for thier men. The male author will be a real boost to your self-esteem and make you realize you don't have to settle for second best. You are a wonderful, loving, caring person and there is no need to put up with excuses in relationships.

Also, please read some of the other forums because you will find there are several women in here who have decided they don't need a man to feel complete. They have found happiness from within and that can make all the difference in the world when it comes to finding someone to share this life with.

Jen, Dot's last response is so true. When I first started off here, I was a wreck trying to decide whether or not to continue with excuses for the lump of dung I thought I loved. These women, especially JJ and Chatty, lit into me so good that I didn't have a choice but to revisit exactly what was keeping me in the 'second best' mode.

I must admit, I did see him several more times afterward ( too cowardly to admit this in the forum prior, LOL). But, after reading all of the input, I was with him with my eyes wide open. The sparks that kept me thinking of him were dull, and now just gone. Everything, especially the Chatty input, was true about him. Each time he came up with a reason for his ill-behaviors, I thought about what had been presented to me here.

You can always go into the archives to take a look at those chats. Very interesting stuff there. Or, do what Dots suggested, get the book.

Good luck with that fragile heart of yours. Remember, you only have one.

Sugaree

Why are women so willing to overlook being treated badly? Because we are raised to be "caretakers", and men are raised to "look after number one?"

I've got a few experiences of my own, and can't seem to resolve the situation (at least not yet).

My relationship with my boyfriend has turned into a "best friends with benefits" sort of situation. Which is not entirely bad. I have somebody to do things with, and the freedom to be with my friends at other times. But I would appreciate some kindnesses every now and then.

One example: He had some money problems over this past holiday season, so we agreed to not exchange gifts. No problem there. But I didn't even get a card.

We went away the week after Christmas (my treat) and he got angry with me because he perceived "a cold wind blowing through" when I didn't accept affection one day. On New Year's Day, there was not even a "Happy New Year." Yet, he's not a bad guy.

Other guy friends tell me that men appreciate straight-forward messages. I "want" to tell him "let's still see each other but not be exclusive anymore" but I haven't gotten the nerve yet.

Chatty, you speak the truth.

Jenniemouse, if marriage is on your "want list" he did you a favor by ending it early-on, instead of letting you waste precious years waiting for him to "be ready." I know that doesn't lessen the immediate pain, though. Hang in there...

Whirlwind

quote:

---

Originally posted by Whirlwind:
Yet, he's not a bad guy.

---

Why is it we measure men as 'bad,' 'not bad,' 'good,' and 'great?'
Seems to me there should be only two measures. Right and Wrong. No one deserves a permanent relationship with a 'bad guy,' 'anot bad guy' or even 'a great guy.' We all deserve the RIGHT guy.

He may be right for you despite his flaws, but if not maybe you should be thankful to know it now and move along.
smile