NEED HELP IN REACHING CLOSURE

Hi Everybody -- I need some help in reaching closure with a situation that has left me very confused. I have never had an experience like this, and I hope that your comments will help me learn something from this.

Last year, I met a guy through my hiking club. He has been divorced for about 5 years after a 40-year marriage. I have been divorced for 16 years after a 28-year marriage. I later invited him to join my cycling group. Since we are both retired, he started asking me to hike and cycle one-on-one, and we did this several times a week for over a year, and had so much fun. We frequently spent all day together. Sometimes he would come back to my house for a sandwich on the deck, and sometimes he invited me to lunch and would pay for it (although I always offered to pay). I figured we were just friends having fun doing these activities, and if it turned into something else, we would have a solid friendship to build on. We both would ask each other to do these things, and it was a comfortable, casual thing.

Then a few months ago, he brought me home from a bike ride and kissed me in the driveway (I was totally shocked because there was NOTHING leading up to this, except a hug now and then). He didn't say a word to me, left me standing there, got in his car and drove off. I heard nothing from him for 6 weeks. I WAS NOT GOING TO CONTACT HIM AFTER THIS - I FELT THE BALL WAS IN HIS COURT. In the meantime I sprained my ankle and was not hiking with the group. He sent me a Christmas card (which I did not respond to), and then he starts emailing me wanting to know why I had not been hiking. I told him about the ankle. I asked him why he had done what he did, and that not hearing from him for 6 weeks was hurtful since we had been having so much fun together. He said he was just getting too close to me. THEN HE SAID "IT WAS NOT LIKE WE WERE DATING". He then went on in detail to tell me the museums he would like to go to, the places he would like to cycle, and traveling to hike in various areas, and I was the one he wanted to do these things with, but if we did these things then he would be "DATING' me, and I would expect to have a relationship. I told him that we should just keep things the way they were, but I slowely stopped asking him to do these things. I felt like he was really BSing me when I found out he was on three dating websites, where he had lied about his age. The sad thing is that we really had a lot of fun together, and I never put any pressure on him to "date" me.

I also learned from two women I occasionally hike with that before he and I started doing things together, he had "dated" them. Both of their stories were almost identical. A couple hikes, a ballgame or movie, no intimacy, and then bam - the "clean sheets and toothbrush" routine. They both told him to get lost and neither will date him again.

I feel lucky that we did not get involved with each other, but I still continue to feel sad because we had so much fun together and could just pick up and go because we are both retired. It appears he is not the person I thought he was. We no longer do one-on-one things, but he is still in the hiking and cycling group and I see him frequently and we are both friendly with each other. He continues to be on the dating sites (I have a hidden profile), but it appears he has not found another woman to do the things I did with him. He frequently drops "hints" about doing this ride or that and that we should get together and train for a ride, but I don't respond to this.

I am trying to learn something from this, but I'm not sure what it is. I do know that I have "taken care of myself" in this situation. Maybe what I am learning is that I am emotionally healthy, not what I have always been.

Cyclinggal, you sound very emotionally healthy to me! I'm no expert about relationships, but I think you're handling this in a way that respects YOU and draws a good, healthy line at what you're willing to accept from this guy. Though I'm not a huge fan, one thing that Dr Phil always says that makes sense is that we teach others how to treat us. I would say that you're doing exactly that with this guy and probably saving yourself from getting even more hurt by this guy further down the road (when he conveniently finds his next gal-pal).

I don't know if being emotionally healthy helps to ease the sting, or even perhaps that little yearning to know what 'could have been' with this guy, but I take great inspiration and courage from your example of being true to yourself. Who needs a guy like this anyway? I fear that in this case, what you see could be what you would be getting.

Cyclinggal,

I think Eagleheart made a good point in that you are emotionally healthy. I wouldn't put any "closure" on this though. It could be that HE is terrified. What happened he might have done by acting on his impulses and now he's afraid. I'd just leave him alone but if you run into him in public or he contacts you in some way, would ACT AS IF...as if nothing were different, as if nothing were wrong, as if nothing were bothering me. Just keep him at ease if you are in his presence. Don't even mention the topic...keep him at ease for a bit.

Just out of past experience, I can almost bet that once he's "over" this, you'll hear from him again. I don't think he's doing anything to toy with you or hurt you intentionally. I have met a couple of men like this. While I moved on, they re-appeared in my life. Too late for them LOL, but who knows how it will come to be for you. Sounds like this guy was very interested in your friendship and enjoyed it but to take it to another level of intimacy was a huge gamble on his part knowing he might lose the friendship if a dating or intimate relationship went sour.

Thank you so much Eagle Heart and Keyholes for your interest and comments. You both had good points to consider, and I appreciate your taking the time to reply to me. I continue to hike and cycle with him in the groups we are in, but have no interest in going "back there". I read through my post several times, and realize that I just needed to vent my sadness and move on. Unfortunately I have no way of knowing if he was terrified or just playing me. But, in any event, he has lost the friendship.

Hopefully I will meet someone else who shares my passions and values and is capable of real intimacy.

Maybe things like this shouldn't be over analyzed. Instead, just live for the moment.
If he said he wants to do all those activities with you, I say go for it. You might be disapointed, but then again, maybe not. At least you are living...

Remember these lyrics?

"What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret."

Do the words Emotional cripple ring a bell? Well they should because he is showing all the signs. This a guy to date casually if YOU choose to, but not rely on for anything longlasting or permanent. He' been burned, kicked to the curb and probably with good reaqson but either way, there he'll stay playing the field...

Hi Chatty Lady -- I think you are so right. Part of it probably stems from his mother dying when he was eight years old and his father was not around much. He lived with his aunt, whom he said was not very affectionate, but he knew she loved him. In any case, I know he is not dating material.

Thanks for your insight.

He said he wanted to do the activities but could not because that would be "dating" me. He can find someone else to non-date because it won't be me. I deserve better.

I appreciate your comments.

Hi CyclingGal

Congratulations to you for taking a look at what happened and deciding what is right for you and what you want out of a relationship. I 100% agree with your comment "I deserve better". You do, and it is out there if you decide you want to go for it. I think it is much healthier for you to decide this now and to take a stand for you. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, or pull at your heartstrings, 'cuz it most certainly does.

As someone who used to attract every darned emotional cripple on the block (because I thought I could "fix" them...geez Louise, how arrogant is that?), I know there is a balance to "understanding" the why and taking a stand for yourself.

You took an amazing stand for yourself and made a choice to process what you were feeling and move on. That, to me, is the definition of emotionally healthy!!!!!!!!

P.S. Oh, and I love your statement "he can find someone else to non-date"...that gave me the biggest laugh ever.

Cyclinggal, you made the right choice. Let's see if I got this right:
1. you two were doing activities together, with no mention or pretension of it being a dating relationship.
2. He kissed you, unasked, out of the blue.
3. because he kissed you, he decided that you must be dating.
3a. even though you never said you were dating, or indicated that you wanted to.
4. now he has no one to go to these activities with, because he decided you were dating because he kissed you.
5. but he'd rather sit at home and play head games on DATING websites than go anywhere, even though he says he wants to go...

Okay, how many ways can we spell
L-O-S-E-R ???

Meredith, you're a hoot.

You may think I'm nuts, but here's another opinion. The guy has probably been physically attracted to you all this time and didn't know what to do about it. One day, his emotions got carried away and he kissed you. Whoops. To that point, I don't see anything wrong with that. Was it a peck or a wet one? I have girlfriends I'll peck or hug when moved and I don't want to date them.

Thanks Meredithbead for your comments. You got it mostly right. I think after he kissed me, he had no clue what to do. I think the thing that did it for me was his actions after the kissing incident - the fact that he just disappeared with no communication for 6 weeks, and then proceeds to tell me he wants to do this and that but can't because he would be "dating" me. However, he certainly felt it was ok to kiss me even though we were not "dating". And then to see him on the dating websites where he has lied about his age.

I think he is a VERY CONFUSED MAN, and I'm not into confused men at this point in my life. Also, he does not have the character I am looking for. If he was interested in me then he needed to be straight forward and ask me to do the other things with him (and I would have given it a shot), and then taken it from there. Who knows how it would have turned out. The bottom line is that I don't think he is capable of intimacy and a real partnership with a woman. Sad.

Dotsie, thanks for another perspective. I think there is some truth that he was interested in me and the kiss was to test the waters. However, when a guy you have been doing things with for over a year suddendly changes the rules without anything leading up to that, my response was one of shock more than anything else. It was a kiss between a peck and a wet one. BUT THE THING THAT DID IT FOR ME: When he just left me standing there, drove off and nothing else for over 6 weeks, and then his reason was: WELL WE WERE NOT DATING. Duh! We were very involved with each other and having a great time. Now he is spending a lot of time on the websites looking for someone and lying about his age.

He is a VERY CONFUSED MAN, and does not have the character I am looking for.

If he had just been straight forward with me, and told me he would like to do some of these other things with me, I would have given it a shot, and who knows where it would have gone. We did have a foundation on which to build a relationship.

I actually am now grateful that we did not take it to another level. I am looking for a man who has it together, and he does not.

Mama Red - thanks for your comments. I thought it was very strange that he felt it was ok to kiss me even though he was not dating me. He is a very confused man, and I want a man who has it together. In the meantime, I will continue to have a full and meaningful life and continue to grow. Maybe a partner will see these qualifies in me and be attracted.

Anne - you are so funny. I have done a lot of dating since my divorce in 1991, but I find that as I get older, I want to do it less and less. It is time-consuming and people play so many games. My feeling now is that I just want to do things I love, such as cycling and hiking, and if I meet someone, great. If not, I have a great life.

I'm sure you have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Sounds like the divorced guy you mentioned in your post would be doing this if he got back with his ex. But, people do lots of things because they can't be alone.

I know. You're right about what happened after the kiss. I can't imagine abandoning someone for six weeks after having spent all that time with you. ODD. Glad you are feeling comfy with your decision.

Cyclinggal here's a link to a great cycling group of long distance cyclists who are primarily in their 50's and up.

http://www.cccts.org/welcome.html
http://www.cccts.org/index.html


My partner (who is 65) has done 2 bike trip rides with them. They have organized group rides in past to Montana, Denmark, etc.

I do know 2 women from this group who have gone on their rides. they are both in their late 60's. One of them I guess reached 70 this year. A grandmother.

For certain, I find most of the older guys who cycle consistently several times week, at least don't smoke, do recreational drugs or drink alcohol much at all. Otherwise they can't continue cycling long at all!

Anne, the Martians don't want them back.

That is waaay too funny!!

OK, maybe this is way off base. But maybe this man does crave love and "coupledom" again, but he's scared witless to think about actually committing to it, afraid of failing for some reason.

Obviously he is confused and bewildered. But he "did" have the guts for the kiss.

I've had a few "oh crap" moments myself. But disappearing for months after the fact says he's immature. And gutless. Good thing you found out about that when you did.

Next.

Geez. We "are" the stronger sex, aren't we?

Whirlwind

Well, he obviously craves something because he spends lots of time on Yahoo Personals (where I have a hidden profile). At this point in my life, I am not into men who are immature and cannot communicate. Also, I value a man for his integrity, and a man who lies on the dating websites about his age tells me he is not comfortable in his own skin. The guy is 67 years old. When is he going to "get it"? Maybe he will find a women who wants a "fixer upper"!

Yes, we are the stronger sex.

WOMEN RULE!!!!

Now before any man can learn anything,
they must first admit they don't know everything...

Just tell them right up front!

I don't even care about my problems,
why should I care about yours?

I'm not obsessive-compulsive,
I'm super meticulous...

I feel like a dung beetle,
does that answer your dam question?

Just a few words they need to hear from us...

Nice to meet you, cyclinggal,
I read your thread and gathered my thoughts.
It seems to me that this man might be afraid of commitment, period. Many men who are of a certain age, as someone before me said, have heavy baggage. It is nice that you were not keen on "settling," or encouraging him beyond his abilities.
He's lonely, he's desparate, and he's confused.
Do you have any feelings for him that prevent you from any cycling trips with him or do you not enjoy his company because he is limited in what he can do in a relationship? I was wondering because you said you missed the interaction but did not want any more involvement.
Do you feel he is a waste of time even as a friend?
I'm just asking. You know him and if he would give you an ounce of strife, I believe you should avoid him.
If there are chances of meeting others you may like on outings with him, he might be a doorway to other things.You could be honest with him and tell him you want NO intimacy with him and are, in fact, interested in meeting other people. If that is tolerable, you could go on some outings and yes, meet others who may be real men! I don't know tho.

Again, if he is an ounce of strife for you, kick him to the curb, you don't need that in your life.

By the way, I think you handled him with excellent class and honesty. I am impressed with you.

What do you think?

Dancer

Dancer - yes, I sometimes do miss doing things with him because we are both retired and were free to pick up and go. However, I don't miss him that much!! I'm the one who has the friends, and he was hiking and cycling because I asked him to join the bike club, etc. I have plenty of friends to do things with - he does not - and he needs to get a life. Things just changed for me when he pulled that little disappearing act after we had done things together for over a year. I'm kind of funny about being "friends" with someone I don't respect. To me, a friend is someone I can be comfortable with, communicate with, and just enjoy being with. I don't feel that way about him anymore.

I see what you are saying, cyclinggal. You are, of course, correct in your choice. I did not know he was so unpopular and so difficult.

Yes, he's better off away from you and out of sight if possible!

Dancer