Other than "do you have chidren?"....

Posted by: Di

Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/03/07 02:36 AM

what other opening questions can one ask when meeting someone for the first time?

I am so tired of that question over and over. Then, only to have to go thru the SAME thing...No........You're lucky...I don't think so....my kids are a pain, you can have mine....draw up the adoption papers!

The world is NOT made up of ALL mothers!!!

Sorry for the rant...but I went to a barbecue at a friends house and it's the FIRST question everyone seems to ask. I do not do that as I know how hurtful it can be.

So, what COULD be an opening question that is OK to ask? Please think about this when meeting someone new.

Here's one: So, do you have family in the area???
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/03/07 03:15 AM

Di, I'm sorry, sometimes people can be publicly insenstive to other people's feelings, whether or not intentional. Perhaps someone could write a new book on modern manners?! Hmmm.

I must say that I often feel uncomfortable with other women b/c I don't have children in which to 'bond' a conversation with my peers. However, I do have other interests and on those occasions when asked about my 'children' I sometimes may mention our long walks and how parsnippity the girls are, then explain I have a dog and 2 cats!

I do hear (and not only about myself), "why doesn't she[have children]?" Whether or not a choice for whatever circumstances, conscience or subconscience, or medical decision, a woman is and will always be a lady, professional, giver, lover, sister, daughter, aunt, nurturer, etc., regardless of children. Childless women are not a minority, nor should they be treated like one. Unlike men, where there is an emptiness, women are much more craftier at filling that 'hole' with 'wholeness' through positive measures.
Posted by: Mountain Ash

Re: Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/03/07 08:32 AM

Britions open conversations with "the weather."
Mountain ash
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/03/07 12:37 PM

How about, "How do you know the host/hostess?"

That will tell you what interests connect them and you can then share how you know them.
Posted by: Di

Re: Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/03/07 01:45 PM

Mustang Gal.

May I graciously disagree? Childless people ARE a minority. This is why there is room to educate. Most women are mothers....statistically.

Also, can you expand on your comment:

Quote:

"Unlike men, where there is an emptiness, women are much more craftier at filling that 'hole' with 'wholeness' through positive measures"






I have found the opposite. Most childless (not by choice) men seem to be ok. It's the women who have had difficulty with this. On our website, we have more women than men who have become members.

A good one, Dotsie. I'll need to use that one as a ice breaker next time I'm in a new crowd of folks.

However, I must pay a compliment to the couple/family I sat with. They WERE able to continue a conversation about other subjects NOT including their kids. We spoke about growing up, our siblings, music, the town in which we live. So, thankfully, they DO have a life outside. Plus, they were probably glad to NOT talk "kid talk".

Sadly, the culture in which we live in the most Southwest part of this country, families w/children are rampant. Many, many are unmarried. I think I have become desensitized. Back east, where I am from, this "way of life" is not so prevalent. I sure miss the east coast!
Posted by: ladyjane

Re: Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/04/07 07:47 PM

It's unfortunate that people don't think before asking about kids. Sometimes we get caught up in the family thing and make foolish assumptions. I had secondary infertility. Though I had one child, I was always asked "do you really WANT an only child?" "Why just one?" "Time to have another, you know" and on and on. People were so insensitive and I didn't feel like going into my fertility problems and treatments with just anyone. Why can't someone meet you nicely with "Tell me about your family." Even if that's not ideal it can let you expand on other family members. Or as Dotsie says, "How do you know the host/ess?" People shouldn't assume so much. It's hurtful.
Posted by: Dianne

Re: Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/04/07 08:30 PM

I've learned from Di to not ask the children question. Now, I ask how long they have lived in the area and if they have children, they will come up in the conversation. Otherwise, I no longer ask.

What's with people caring whether a woman has children or not? That's just rude!
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Other than "do you have chidren?".... - 09/04/07 10:10 PM

It is becoming more prevalent to have children and not be married...and I live on the east coast. I think this may be arond the country. I do not understand it but it's definitely a trend.
Posted by: orchid

Re: Other than "do you have children?".... - 09/06/07 04:44 AM

I must live on a different planet. I am not the only woman that wouldn't think automatically of asking a woman they met briefly, if they had children. Alot of my close friends just aren't into thinking that way...at all. Yes, some are childless.

I tend to ask that question only if the conversation leads one there, after knowing a woman for a few weeks or months.

Of course, some men ask me if I have any children (my response is no, but my partner has 2 grown children.)...and these tend to be guys who are fathers themselves.

I find that the answer I give above, to any man or woman who inquires about children, tends to naturally end the conversation about children. No big deal to me.
Posted by: Cookie

Re: Other than "do you have children?".... - 09/06/07 01:10 PM

I agree with you Orchid, I am the same way. Sometimes I ask, and sometimes I get asked. And....like you said, when you say you (or the other) don't have children, the conversation generally moves to another direction and that is the end of the topic.
Posted by: Di

Re: Other than "do you have children?".... - 09/06/07 02:16 PM

Quote:

And....like you said, when you say you (or the other) don't have children, the conversation generally moves to another direction and that is the end of the topic.




Actually, the topic STAYS on "you are lucky (to not have any)" or "want mine?" I just don't think my parents felt that way!! If they don't want their children, why keep them?? Yes, I know it's not REALLY what they mean, but still. Another answer would be so appreciated!

These poor folks. They just do not know how to handle this. But, by the Grace of God, I am educating them one by one!!
Posted by: Dianne

Re: Other than "do you have children?".... - 09/06/07 09:12 PM

I'd be interested to know how the women who chose to not have children feel about this question being asked.
Posted by: CaroMcK2

Daughter's in-laws (step) - 09/06/07 10:21 PM

From the 1st year of the marriage she was a problem child ~ My step son stuck by her & they have two beautiful children ~ One is 21 and one is 18 now ~ It has been a long haul ~ StepDaughter-in-law was into cocaine, alchol & etc. ~ She is still a "problem child" and she is in her forties ~ I have worked at forgiving her many times but she is like a "black cloud" there is always problems with her ~ I am tired of "forgiving" her ~ probably will again ~ Anyone have problems with their daughter-in-laws?????

Hug and Namaste,
Posted by: Di

Re: Other than "do you have children?".... - 09/06/07 10:40 PM

Quote:

I'd be interested to know how the women who chose to not have children feel about this question being asked.




I have a friend like that. The conversation went like this:

me: I'm so sorry.
her: Why? I'm glad. I don't wanna have to take care of them, clean their butts etc. I can't wait to have a hysterectomy.
me: Gosh, are you glad your mother did not feel the same way??