Middle of the Night Midlife Crisis

Whew! This morning I am back on track, and I'm not feeling as stressed as I did last night. I hope I don't sound crazy, but last night I found myself tossing and turning, unable to clear my mind. I guess I was having a big midlife crisis moment--just felt an overwhelming desire to just run away from my current life situation. Not a serious scary feeling--I somehow knew that I wasn't going anywhere and that these feelings would pass. It is hard to put into words--I just have moments every now and then when I think about what kind of future I want, and my answer is in the ballpark of a COMPLETELY different life than I have now. Basically, I have this fantasy that one day, just a few years from now, when my kids are grown and off on their own, I want to move away from this suburban soccer mom lifestyle and become a sophisticated urban career woman. I don't know how to explain myself--I have loved my life as a wife/mother/suburban soccer mom, but I am suddenly feeling in a rut, and I am suddenly feeling this overwhelming desire to run away and become a completely different person. I have this fantasy about the woman I want to be in my "second adulthood"--and the woman I am now and the woman I hope to be one day would hardly recognize each other. I am taking steps toward making this transformation--working on a masters degree and preparing for a new and exciting career, losing weight, and making many other changes in my life. At times I feel very excited about the upcoming changes that I dream of making one day soon. BUT sometimes, like last night, I find myself almost "chomping at the bit" to just jump off of that mountain and start the rest of my life RIGHT NOW! Yet, when I think about it logically and use my reasoning skills, I know that it just isn't time yet. I am not quite through raising my two adolescent kids. I am not quite through with graduate school. I am not quite ready to leave my 20 year marriage and role of "fulltime mother and homemaker" yet, although I do dream of doing so one day. Long story, but marriage is just hanging on by a thread and we both are trying to "stay together for the children", but we both have VASTLY different dreams for ourselves once our kids are grown. I honestly have an overwhelming desire to run away from my marriage and role as submissive, dependent suburban wife. Yet, I absolutely do not want to run away from my kids. I just find myself wishing they would hurry up and grow up so I can move on with my plans--yes, I feel SO selfish writing those words!! Last night I just felt emotionally overwhelmed and I dreamed about life basically fast forwarding just a few years. I can't explain it, but I found myself just dying to hurry up and start my "new life" NOW, not later!! After feeling totally stressed out and shedding some tears, I found myself peeking in on my sleeping teenagers, and it was then that I shook myself back to reality. I love them SO much and they STILL need me--they still need this life we have built for them--it would not be beneficial to them for me to jump the gun on this. If I followed my selfish desires, they woud suffer. So I gave myself a pep talk and I eventually went back to sleep with warm thoughts of watching the next few years unfold before I move on to my new life. I KNOW they grow up way too fast--I KNOW that I will miss them so much when they are gone--I KNOW that I should just soak it all in and enjoy every last minute with them because soon they will be out on their own. I KNOW that once they are gone, I will miss them terribly and I will find myself wishing I could somehow buy back the years and relive the wonderful experiences I have had as I raised this beautiful young woman and handsome young man. I KNOW I should not rush them out into the world before they are ready, and if I do that I will regret it one day. BUT still, I cannot help having these moments when I just have an overwhelming desire to start my new life today, right now, right this minute. At times I fantasize about jumping on a plane to some exciting place and starting a whole new life, completely different than the one I am living. But once I come to my senses, I realize that I do love my life as it is, at least for now. God, I sound so crazy, don't I? But I know I am as sane as they come--I just don't know exactly how to deal with these emotions when they come on. It kind of reminds me of the man who leaves his family, buys a fancy sports car, and dates a younger woman--but my midlife crisis looks completely different. NO desire to hook up with another man(younger or otherwise)--NO desire to drive a fancy sportscar--none of those things that are stereotypical to middle aged men--women must just experience this in a completely different way. My overwhelming desire is to become the woman that I did not become because I chose a different path years ago. At the crossroads of my youth, I chose marriage,family, and the burbs, NOT urban, sophisticated, professional career woman. I am well aware that there are many women who did choose that path, and many are now desiring MY lifestyle. I also know that many women found a way to balance BOTH lifestyles somehow. But I cannot help what I feel--I loved my life as wife and mother, but now I am craving a life as single career woman. I can handle these feelings most days--I just keep working toward my goals and enjoy life along the way. But moments like last night still occur, and I don't like the way these moments make me feel. I just feel like if I don't run away NOW I may die inside--thankfully these moments pass and I soon begin to realize that all good things come to those who wait. I know these things can and will happen in the due course of time. But does anyone else have these occassional overwhelming moments where they just are dying to run away and start new, completely different lives? Do any of you want to be a new woman, different from the woman you are now? Is this the female version of a midlife crisis?

Nah, you ain't crazy. Or at least, you ain't alone
You've got a plan, you realize it will take time, and you're willing to pay your dues. Sounds to me like you're being quite reasonable and sensible out wanting to become the best you can be. My only word of caution would be to remember the old adage about the grass not being greener...
Any path we take will sometimes be strewn with obstacles and difficulties. That will be as true of your life as a career woman as it was of your life as a soccer mom. And leaving a marriage is always a HUGE undertaking.
About those middle-of-the-night occurrences, well, I'll bet if you surveyed this group, you'd find a bunch of are up then. Often, for the same reasons.
I don't even pretend to have all the answers, since I'm afraid I DO know recognize that overwhelm mode you're talking about. However, if it's any help, the one thing I keep in mind, always, is that it is better to be moving slowly TOWARDS the future, then blindly running AWAY from the past.
Sending you hugs and reassurances that this will not only pass, but you will be better for it!

Fifty

Dear KateRyan...I'm new here, but just wanted to respond briefly to this thread. Fifty spoke a LOT of wisdom in her response, and she's totally correct when it comes to the numbers of women who do the "lying awake in the dark" thing. I've begun that myself, and it's not a lot of fun. As someone who's been divorced and is now re-married, Fifty's caution about the difficulties of divorce rings really true with me. A lot of your life is laid waste when you part company with your spouse, and it takes so much strength to find your way (and your children's way) through the ordeal. I'll pray for guidance for you and for peace in whatever circumstances of life you find yourself in. Blessings...S.

There is a book titled A Year By The Sea that I think you would really enjoy reading. It would give you food for thought. Sorry but I can't remember the author's name.

Well, although our situations are not all the same, I think we reach mid-life and find there is this mandatory period of soul-searching. Who was it that sang "Is That All There is?" Maybe it's God whispering in our ears to take a closer look - there's still time.

I have been blessed with a loving husband and raised two great kids, but it was always about someone elses needs. So - here I sit, just turned 58 last week. Lost both of my parents since Easter after a five year ordeal of health issues with both of them. DH just retired in August. I feel so out of touch with who I am and what I need - I'm not sleeping much these nights either.
I feel like a ship without an anchor - have no clue what my purpose is now.

Diannne - I have all of Joan Anderson's books. I'm not sure which one came first, but there are three. "A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman' 'An Unfinished Marriage' and 'A Walk on the Beach'

I enjoyed them all - it was comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through the choppy waters of mid-life. She is one tough cookie.

What an honest topic. Experience tells me that midnight madness is always better in the morning. Don't you find that ladies? Being awake in the middle of the night is the pits. I experienced this once during a battle with depression. I made myself get out of bed and read, or do something. Lying there thinking is painful.

I also think so much of these thoughts have to do with hormones. I'm convinced.

Kate, you will be fine because you are taking the time to sort out your life. Remember not to be too hard on yourself (Something I've been accused of in another post. So who am I to talk?)The part that I think is important is doing something now (even if it's one little, teeny, tiny thing) that is preparing you for the future. That alone will give you hope. KEep up the good work. You sound like a lovely mother. Keep loving those teens.

Dotsie...What you said just sparked a thought in me. One of the things I think I value the most about this quandry we call menopause/middle age is the honesty that seems to come with it. I find the women friends I have now through work and church and even the ones I've seen posting here,to be very "real".Maybe the passing of the years brings with it a longing for what is true and a stripping away of all else that isn't as important. I value that, and I don't mind as much when the hard questions are asked- God's giving me the strength to search for answers and good friends around me to support me and help! We are blessed.... :)Sera

Kate, everything you said was from your heart. I'm not so sure you're looking for answers here, as you are getting it all out of your system. Maybe both? Both ARE healthy.

Burnout can occur in anything... a hobby, a job, a bad marriage, friendships, soccer Mom, etc..etc...

It sounds like you've given 100% to everyone else for many years, and now that you've matured, you're at the point where you realize its OKAY to dream your own dreams (not that it wasn't before, but I don't think you allowed it for yourself) you're experiencing more and more daydreams and fantasties regarding the ideal life you desire. Again I say healthy!

So many people begin building that "new self" and desire it so strongly that they cross the line from reality to dillusional, jumping the gun and ending up with regrets.

You, on the other hand, sound like a level-headed thinker to me. You rationalize and face reality. You ground yourself whenever you find thoughts going to far with your desires. This is not the action of a insane person. On the contrary.

Personally though, I think you combat "going for it" by being soooo hard on yourself which jolts you back to reality with guilt, and causes sleepless nights. Not healthy.

I say ease up on yourself. Keep your focus and know its coming, but allow yourself to remain in the NOW. NOW is all we have. You could be fretting/worrying over something that never comes, and for all you know, somewhere down the line could completely change! Life is like that.

Here's what I think though.

You are a very loving and intelligent woman from the sound of your post and my guess is you will be telling us, step by step one of these days (and maybe even helping other women???), how you accomplished ALL by dreaming, planning, and taking appropriate action at the appropriate time. I'm sure of it.

JJ

I have to agree with what has been written so far. Three years ago I decided to "leave home". Which to most would sound strange given the fact that I was 41 at the time. I had been divorced (actually left for a younger woman), I met someone new and got pregnant at 37 (I thought I was through with all of that!), my new guy was killed in a car accident 5 weeks before the baby was born, a year later my sons decided to go and live with their dad (guess money does talk!!). I was a single parent, not exactly sure how to handle life without a mate, and struggling to take care of everything and every one. I met a wonderful man in 1999 and we began dating long distance. Kinda that "try before you buy" theory. Three years later he asked me to move to MD with him and knowing in my head all the things I should do, but also knowing in my heart what I wanted to do, I said yes! We moved what I thought I would need for the next year, packed up what I didn't, and drove from Texas to MD. I have never been happier although I have had to make a couple of trips back to Texas for emergency situations. I had never lived more than 163 miles from my parents and never more than 283 from the town where I was born. Now I am 1843 miles away and at least 1000 from my nearest sibling. I left my house, (someone lives there and takes care of it for me), my parents, and my career and started over. I even bought new towels and dishes!! Was the best thing I have ever done!!

Welcome Melissa,

Wow, that is some story! So good that it has a happy ending!

What part of MD are you in? I lived in Harford county for 10 years, now I reside in Colorado.

How old are your children?

Danita

(love your saying about elphants! so true!)

Hi Kate (and everyone) ~ I'm brand new to this site, and your message was the first one I read Kate. I have gone thru at various times in my life what you are feeling. Just wanted to say that you sound wonderfuly sane and caring, and yes, when the time comes to let your children go, and it will come all too soon ~ you will pass by their rooms and sigh for all the good times and memories. Treasure your time with them ~ it changes so much when they are out in the world on their own as independent adults....

There is a book by Elizabeth Berg called Pull of the Moon, that I think you will enjoy, tho the woman is older and had no children at home when she took off to find herself. Many times in my life when I was juggling a stressful career and children at home and a shaky marriage, I simply dreamed of getting in my car and driving away to a small town somewhere and getting a waitress job in a truck stop ~ just disappearing ~ sluffing off the huge responsibilities I was shouldering and living quietly. So it was kind of the opposite of what you want ~ but I understand the feelings. Hang in there Kate....you'll know when the time to change is really right ~ it will all come together and feel right at all levels.

KateRyan2012, Welcome, I wonder how many of us have wanted to do just that, disappear? I am in that situation right now but own my home, have two very dependent dogs, have people in a nursing home and the animal welfare groups near me all depending on me. My two sons are grown and one is gone (missing) while the other has his life well under control. My ex is my problem and I would love to just walk away with my laptop. Seems sometimes that life gets curiouser and curiouser as time goes on. Oh well! Instead I'll drive out to the lake today and sit under a tree, no phones, no work, just me and my thoughts, the water, blue skys and the birds. Then I'll have a nice meal and go home later today refreshed, after what I call a mental health refresher. Try that it really does help.

[ October 23, 2005, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I have 8 kids...I think about disappearing EVERY DAY!!! The farthest I've ever gotten is the supermarket...

W.B. you need this more than anyone. Get a sitter, give yourself the day off. Nothing will fall apart and no one will suffer from you're getting a day all to yourself every now and then.
In fact they will profit from your repleneshed spirit.

Oh I get out! I have bible study and I'm involved in some other church things. I've also found a friend to have lunch with and go shopping, etc. My husband hasn't worked in quite a while, so he's been spending more time with the kids. What I need is for them to get out once in a while and let me have the house to myself.

Next time theres a carnival in town go buy a couple rolls of tickets and drop them 'all' off with the rolls and let them stay all day and play..Oh and make sure hubby goes along too unless you want him at home for some serious fooling around, he, he!!!

Believe me, we have plenty of opportunities for some serious fooling around!