Can you ladies give me some advice

Wasn't even sure if I should whine about this? Maybe it's just me and my hormone ups and downs, so tell me girls if I'm behaving like a nut..lol!

Here goes......

I was on another board for 7 years. Made 3 great friendships, one I thought was a very close one. 7 years we laughed and cried together. They meant so much to me, these 3 ladies. Then one day one of them invited everyone to facebook. I have nothing at all against social networking. I think it's great for most everyone. I'm a bit of a private gal, never had the self-esteem to post pictures, etc. so facebook was not for me.

I don't understand why they dont even email me anymore. I finally got a responce from one of them after 5 weeks. She told me shes just to busy. Only one of them works outside the home. I know we're all busy but in my heart if they were the friends I thought they were shouldnt they take just a minute to say hello in a short email. Is email dead these days?

I dont expect long emails, just once a month would warm my heart. This has me feeling very sad like I've lost something very special. I could never do this to someone. I always fret if I dont reply in a day or so to others. I try to be kind and considerate.

7 years is a long time and I feel very sad. I need friends. I guess mostly I dont understand how they can do this. Just because I dont go on facebook they ignore me??

Is this me, am I to sensitive, am I being a baby? I feel like a baby, but it does hurt.

Maybe I think differently than most. I'm just not sure?

This is such a warm and strong sisterhood. Could you do that to any of your sisters here?

I hope to become your friend.

I'd really appreciate your help in this issue.

Thanks,

Nora

Just a quick response, though your post deserves more and better...I'll try to get back and respond with more later. But from someone who knows firsthand, I'll share that Facebook is EXTREMELY addictive. My bet is that your friends have become totally immersed in the various apps and games and although they're unlikely to admit it, they might be so addicted that they can barely come up for air, much less remember to email. I caught myself falling into that "Facebook stupor" and had to pull back. Honestly, it's entirely possible for someone to play 24/7 and still not keep up with all the requests/games/interactive requirements of so many of the games.

I think it has absolutely nothing to do with you personally, but what I myself experienced and have witnessed in others I've met there. I've never gotten to the point of missing meals, appointments or sleep, but I do know people (including parents of young children) who have. It's deceptively dangerous unless one has both eyes open to the danger.

It's probably not much comfort, but eventually they'll come up for air and realize the need for healthier balance. In the meantime, the women here, as busy as we all are with our lives, are committed to maintaining the culture and heart of BWS. But it IS a reality that people's lives do drift off in different directions...one of the greatest miracles of this place is that it empowers women to the extent that they often find new passions and directions for their lives...which then takes them away from us, which is good for them, sad for us. Everything and everyone evolves.

But to answer your most pressing question as to why they haven't even emailed you? I strongly suspect it's because they've fallen into that deep black hole of Facebook addiction. Let's hope they come out soon!

Hi Nora,
We only have time for so much, and so many people are choosing their choce of online time more carefully. I have a Facebook page but am not active on it. I think most people who use it regularly tend to post on their friends pages to communicate, rather than using email. I'm still an email fan, but maybe if I was more involved with Facebook that would change.

Other times, we do actually get too busy with our lives and spend time on other things. I was on this board for two years and met lots of wonderful ladies, but just came back after a 6-8 month hiatus. I just needed a break, it was consuming too much of my time. As you know, it's easy to browse around and get lost in the posts. Now I have to monitor my time better so I don't fall into that same habit again.

I don't think you're being a baby at all, just a little sensitive to the fact that you're missing your friends. It could be the friendship was more important to you than to them, or it could be very simple and they really don't have the time or inclination to stay in touch.

Have you been to their facebook pages? Maybe that will tell you more about what you're up to. And you don't have to post photos on there, you could still be involved with them if you truly want to be.

Good luck!! and nice to meet you!

Kathy

Did you ever meet these online friends in person, Nora? ANd how many times thereafter in person?

It might be alot easier to drop an online friend if one doesn't meet face-to-face often. Cruel, but reality.

Right now I don't have a very close female friend here in Vancouver. Just more face-to-face warm, but somewhat distant friendships. I spend several hrs. maybe several times a year with such women individually or with their spouse...which is a different dynamic when my partner is around also.

But realistically I can't quite expect virtual-only online female friends to be the same as long-term face-to-face friends. A different quality. I was reminded of that when I spent time individually with each of my close friends in Toronto while visiting in past few weeks.

I'm like you... I don't need to hear from good friend frequently..just occasionally would be great.

And I haven't signed onto Facebook. None of my close friends are motivated right now either. Email works for us.

I'm sure Eagle Heart, that you are right, facebook is addictive and they must be spending alot of time on there. Many of my family are on there and really enjoy it. It's just not for me. Maybe my friends will come up for air. I would hope so, but if they don't I'll make new friends here. Everything does evolve and maybe I should branch out a little more. I so appreciate your help.

Hi Kathy, Nice to meet you too! I was being to sensitive. I tend to be like that, but I'm trying to be less so. It seems to be my nature. Gets me in trouble at times! I do think that the friendships were more important to me. Maybe they need to move on. I dont have a facebook account anymore so I guess if they want to contact me they will by email. If not, I'm ok now. You girls have helped so much just by talking with me.

Orchid, Hi! I haven't met them so that will make it easier. I just have to convince myself that theres a big world out there and many friends to make. I guess the 7 years just seemed a long time, but like I said to Kathy, I feel better now. I do have a high school friend right here near me that I really need to get together with. When our children were small we did everything together. I need to call her and make a lunch date. Thanks so much.

You girls are great!!

Nora

I'll weigh in on this a bit because I have close friends who are online...and offline. I also have a set on FB, and then HERE.

Some overlap. What I have found about friendships is that we get what we put into it, so true...but...sometimes, what starts out as a great friendship can also, for some unknown reasons to us, peter out over time. I say accept it, love them from a distance and move on. Fill your life with others and seek new friendships.

I keep thinking of that poem about the butterfly that goes something like if you set it free and it comes back, bla...bla..bla.

Never could remember stuff....sigh.

AnyHOO...make new friends was my point, but continue to hold the old ones in your heart. I have friends from my past RE-renter my life all the time. I'm so happy to hear from them. But I let them go when they leave. You know?

And on the sensitive thing...me too. What is it with us?

I think people are the same with online relationships as they are with face to face relationships. If your'e the type that will always and forever keep up with friends in person, you do the same with your online friends. Maybe these gals have dropped some local friends too?

I remember being told as a child
"you cant please all of the people all of the time".
To seek universal approval is a hard task.Things go on in others lives that influence their behaviour.Not to take personally a perceived slight..it may start a downslope in a relationship.you think one thing the friend thinks another and valuable friendship time and sharing gets lost.
I have stayed in the same area all my life and have strong friendships with a wide circle...male and female.we just got older.
I am careful never to carry stories and if ever someone starts to discuss someone in a bad way I have said...that person is my friend so you will understand I wont say anything.
People matter to me.

Personally, I'm not hip with Facebook. That acronym, TMI comes to mind. Just seems so impersonal. Most people I know in person are very wishy washy, don't follow through, whether family or whatnot, thus I've learned through my life's experiences to not trust very many folk, with exception of myself -- I had to relearn how to do that. Thus, I feel the same about Facebook, Friendster, MySpace, etc., they just seem kind of 'fake'. I've dropped out for a while from other social networking sites, and no one really cared.

As JJ said, keep the door open for old friends and acquaintances and make new ones, Nora. You'll surely find kindred spirits here. We've not come across each other's post before so now is a good time to welcome you to BWS.

Eagleheart, I think I could get addicted to games too, so I won’t even start playing them.

I think it’s easier for women to treat online friendships more lightly than ‘live’ friendships. It’s so easy to disappear in the cyberspace, without anyone chasing after you. I certainly noticed that on BWS. Many ladies just disappeared without a word. Me? I’m one of the loyal ones. Facebook or the other sites can’t replace the conversations we have here. I’m on Facebook, and oddly enough most of my friends on Facebook come right from this forum. If I weren’t a member here…I would have only three or four friends on Facebook. So I might as well correspond here. I think it’s easier, and we can post photos here just as well.

I respect you wanting to keep your privacy and not share photos, as many here feel as you do. But at the same time, opening up to your friends and showing them who you are and how you live does help bond. In my opinion it’s easier to keep a friend if you share more about yourself.

So many friends have come and gone in my life. I’ve changed too, and tend to seek friends with whom I have things in common with. If you welcome new people in your life with an open heart and mind, you will find that can be a pretty exciting and interesting road to take. The old road doesn’t always have to be the better one.

One of my 3 friends(the one I cherished the most) on facebook had something like 150 friends. They just kept growing each day. I just don't think you can have close bonds with that many people?? She always told me I was "her best bud" but then I'd see she told others that too, so I don't know if it was ever the relationship that I believed it was.

I'm ready to move on. Like Edelweiss said "the old road doesnt have to be the better one" I feel so much better today because each of you have been so helpful and kind and full of wisdom.

Hi to each of you I havent met yet. I'm really happy to be here and hope I can contribute and be your friend. I have read each reply and truly think you are all wonderful ladies.

Thanks Again

Nora

Edelweiss, the addictive part of the games is the requirement to collect gifts and bonuses every few hours...I have a friend who plays all of the games that I do, and she used to actually set her alarm clock to wake up in the middle of the night to collect those nightly gifts. I talked to her about it, and helped her to see the craziness of that behaviour, especially when it was causing symptoms of sleep deprivation. Now she shuts her computer down at bedtime and doesn't open it again until she wakes up.

I think that I'm not as addicted to the games as I am to the people who play them with me. I've met WONDERFUL real people who are housebound for various reasons, one in a wheelchair, one due to severe anxiety (worse than mine), another because of chronic pain and fatigue (worse than mine). Since I'm home most of the time, and have the time and enjoy their presence in my life, the games provide us with a forum to chat and keep each other company through the day.

I don't see it as a "them vs us" thing, I see both filling different voids and needs in my life. I love this place, but when I'm crawling through one of my dark patches, which unfortunately is my reality with chronic depression and especially with all the grief over the past few years, I don't want to inflict that on anyone and here, it's impossible for me not to leak when I speak. At Facebook, playing games provides escape from the mangled thoughts and gives me a chance to provide companionship for others who also feel dark and alone.

I like having both outlets/forums in my life...when I can contribute meaningfully here without leaking pain and angst all over the place, I do. When the grief is too heavy and I'm in a mangled place, it's better for me to find ways to refocus.

There are people on FB who need me these days. I've tried to bring them here, but it's too soon. There's one woman in particular who I've come to love so much, I cannot even consider leaving her; she is perhaps my number 1 reason for spending so much time there.

I love BWS, and I really love seeing so many of my sisters on FB as well as here. It's true, a lot of FB is superficial, but not all of it...I'm not a fake, I can vouch for that. But when it comes to true heart connections, nothing can take the place of this place!

I was up again last night until nearly 4:30 a.m. trying to figure out some of the stuff on Facebook. I have an apartment there with tons of gifts and things I have purchased but can't find out how to decorate/incoporaqte them into my apartment. I went to bed last night all ticked off, so I may drop the darn thing and concentrate on something else, something simpler and profitable...geesh!

Chatty, what game is that? There is probably a link to the instructions for that game.

The only ones I play regularly are Farm Town and Scrabble. Most of my time on Facebook is spent with friends but I don't go overboard. I log on in the morning and post, then go about my day and if I have time mid-day, I post again. Then not until late at night, like now. LOL.

Most on my list are family and friends locally, so we also do a lot of things together in person; many know each other so it is like one big party. Facebook is a neat place for us to meet when we are at home doing other things (yay for multitasking LOL).

Scrabble... I really love the Facebook version! Keeps the score for you and your friends. : )

Hilarious... when they are at restaurants my friends post pictures of the dishes they are about to eat (with the iPhone), and it becomes mouth-watering. Shortly after that, we all dash out for similar food!
Last night's Dallas game... they were posting live stuff from the game and more. Awesome!

About the only things I do on Facebook is announce a new blog or some other writing-related thing, visit with my family group of STAGGERS (my maiden name), and my high school class, about 167 people.

I do play Bejeweled some, but I DO NOT participate in any of the farm town, mafia, or whatever those things are. I have no desire to do that. To each his own, yes? I also DO NOT send hearts, flowers, kisses, or any of that other stuff...nor do I accept them. And events...nope. So please do not be offended if I don't send you back something like that. I always click "ignore," and the reason I do is a friend, actually two friends, got a virus on their computer from those things. Or at least they believe that is where it came from....so I don't take chances.

I've had one...and let me tell you, if you ever do, you will not want another one.

I just use it like a telephone, if you will...to reach out and touch my friends, then hang up. LOL!

Welcome, Nora. I am a long time BWS gal, albiet absent quite a bit lately. I come and go in spurts, depending on my time constraints and my needs. I joined NABBW because I was trying to promote my life coaching business. What I found was BWS, a group of genuine, warm, helpful and loving women who are truly concerned about each other. I no longer have time in my life for coaching, but that has not stopped me from staying a member, here.

I do facebook, but only with people I already know. I have fellow teachers, BWS ladies, and a few family members that I communicate with. I don't play the games, or post pictures or any of that other jazz. Like JJ, I also ignore all gifts, etc. If someone sends me a friend request, and I do not know them, I will send them an email and ask why they want to be my friend. Sometimes it's legit (a woman whose husband has MSA, like my husband), but most of the time we simply went to the same college, or something.

I have had many friends, come and go, in my life. Some have been in person friends, and some have been virtual. It's difficult not to take it personally, but sometimes we just need to accept what we cannot change. I have met 3 women from here, and have become closer because of the personal meeting. I hope to meet more.

And let me take this opportunity to thank, once again, all of the boomer women that have rallied around me over the past two years. You have enriched my life in ways that you will never, ever know.

Let me add one more thing to my loooooong post above (forgive) and that is if you are a bud of mine on FB, and you use it for your political agenda, more than likely, I will block your post.

FB is my safe haven, just like BWS, to come and be with friends and family...and yes, tell a bit about my writing, my passion for writing, and all that it involves but mostly to socialize and that does not include political crap. I get so tired of it!

Forgive me if I've stepped on any political toes...I mean it. I am not telling this to offend anyone, but to let you know what I use FACEBOOK for; and my feelings on it.

It is definitely a "to each his own" place there and I think everyone should post whatever their little old hearts desire, but for me, it isn't a forum for the aforementioned. At least, not for my home there.

I'm going to get hate mail...I just know it. But there you have it.

JJ, I've had to block people's feeds from my FB wall too, because of language, political agendas and weird behaviour. We do have to create a safe place for ourselves there, because it's inherently unsafe without our actively creating boundaries. There are many "gifts" that I refuse to open because of the fear of a computer virus. For a long time I rarely posted any of my activities online, not wanting to add to the clutter, especially since it all shows up on other people's walls too. But then I realized that some of those postings connect other people to each other...I still try to "keep it down" to bare miniumum, but get carried away with some of the other girls I play with.

It's fun, but not without its risks. If I didn't ignore half of the gifts, requests and causes people sent me, it would take me days just to open one day's worth! Not fun.

I like FB for certain holes in my life, but BWS is my home-away-from-home.

Hubby's drilling a BIG hole in the bedroom ceiling - hard to concentrate. Looks awefully big to me...

And what's interesting is that some use it for their political agenda only. Not me! Some use Twitter for that purpose too.

I use it for work and I think that ticks some people off. Whatever makes us happy.

Oh so true Dotsie. Here's the way I see it. FACEBOOK, my FACEBOOK, is mine. It's MY house. I set the rules. You (talking general now) don't like what I do? Leave.

I use it for work, too. I don't give a rip if people don't like it. Block me, you know? It's MY HOME on Facebook.

I just wish we had the way to block single post, not people entirely.

Nora asked a question some of us might have been thinking, but were afraid to voice. This is my home base, and I have ventured to other cyber cafes. If I have really deep feelings/thoughts, I would voice them here because a certain trust has developed over the years. Whenever someone here is happy, sad, glad, or fed-up, you can practically feel the cyber-hugs here. I read a lot of topics here, where we can get involved in real discussions. FB is a hi and good-bye kind of place. I went to FB because I am on a mission. I wanted to broaden my reach. The desire to broaden my horizons would not have evolved had I not received encouragement here for 4 years! Here I can "talk" in-depth with women but on FB, it's more about "work." I don't play the games or gifts or whatever. And you can block someone from your news feed. For me, I keep most everybody in my feed on FB because I need to know what's going on relative to "causes." If certain somebodys got onto FB and found me, I would delete my profile immediately. Here, I feel a whole lot safer. This is a trustworthy, encouraging group of GENUINE women! xxoo P.S. I'll be away from the net next week (visiting my mother) and I will think about the women here, how so and so is doing, but I doubt that I will give another thought to FB while I'm gone.

Thanks to each of you so much. I tend to like places more like this site than facebook or such. Thats just me and I know I am the minority. Been kinda that way my whole life. I'd call myself a shy gal, but love to make meaningful friendships. Someone I can count on and she knows she can count on me.

I hope I can build close relationships here and build the same trust you girls have in each other.

I'm still very hurt about my friends. This will take a little time to get past, but I will. Theres something exciting about new things and places and people. I look forward to being your friend

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) to each of you

Nora

((((((((((Hugs))))))))) right back to ya. You will find plenty of friends here.

Oh, and FB? I doubt you are in the minority.

I guess it depends. Most of my facebook contacts -- I already had lifelong or long term meaningful relationships with these people before Facebook was invented, so it just became another way for us to have fun together. And for the long-distance relatives and friends, another free way to communicate.

As for political agendas etc, once in awhile I will see a post with that, but it is so few and far between that I just skip over it.

I guess I have been lucky not getting any negative or dumb posts on my Facebook wall. Mosyly just having fun from playing the games.

I am on FB as well as here. I am also on LinkedIn. FB I use to keep up with family, old classmates, etc. I often get requests for friends, but ignore them unless it's actually someone I know. I am surprised at how many people are on FB that I know. My LinkedIn account is mostly for information gathering. There are some interesting groups on there that I have joined as a way of expanding my circle and re-exploring my roots. But again, I only have people in my network that I know, whether in person or from BWS. I enjoy a couple of the games on FB but will go days without even playing.

I will post here or on any of the other communities I belong to if I think I have something useful to add to the conversation, or if I have something I feel strongly about. There are some threads I don't even look at because some people get too rabid about the subject and it makes me mad that people can be so petty and vitriolic. But here on BWS there isn't much of that, and as others have said, it's a safe circle of women, many of whom have been here for a long time.

I'm not on FB, Twitter or LinkedIn ..yet.

Am the sort of person who perfers a smaller circle of both close and distant friends. At this time, I don't feel like cluttering up my head with...more clutter, news (which other people may think it's important, but not always to me).

I already belong to 2 Internet forums, this one being one of them. That's enough for me. And I continue to get more automatic push news via email tied in to several work-related associations. Theoretically, I should sign myself up for more news upates from other related organizations, to keep abreast of work-related changes. ...but it can result in feeling fragmented and like a perpetual dilettante. It's not a feeling I want at this stage in life --ie. lost at sea and playing around all over the place in a superficial way.

I prefer to focus hard on areas that I like learning and expanding my learning outward from those nodes of interests. And this includes people.

As for politically driven topics, I don't mind. After all, I don't read/open every message if I don't feel like it. I perfer the Internet, etc. with near strangers or distant friends. 'Cause to spend alot of energy with real face-to-face, close friends on such topics, is not totally quality /productive time in fostering deep friendships. So I am a bit contrarian here.

I have 1 life, 1 short time on Earth, and need to spend time well without too much virtual relationships that may not result in real face-to-face relationships.

We only get this one life Orchid, all of us, so we need to do whatever it takes to enjoy that one life to the fullest.

That's the big lesson I've drawn out of all of the loss and grief I've had to crawl through...that life is short, special and too precious to waste...and that "waste" means different things to different people. I have a lot of fun on Facebook, not because of the games, but because of the people I've met while playing them. I've made some precious friendships there, in the course of an hour playing one specific game, i meet people from every corner of the world...I love that so much! One woman in particular (Kerry - you all helped pray for her a few months ago) has really touched my life in a special way. I know with certainty that my presence is very important to her right now, and so that makes Facebook the place where I'm meant to be at this time.

But BWS is home-base for me. This is where I start my day and this is where I end my day before shutting down the computer. One of the delights of my heart is seeing so many of my BWS sisters on Facebook throughout the day as well as here. It makes the world feel so much smaller and makes me feel so much more connected.

Chatty, so true.
This Saturday we are having a tailgate involving about 30 of my Facebook friends and their families (we have known each other for years). Then the following week a whole bunch of us will participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. My kids and grands love all their extra "aunties and uncles" LOL!

diamond, don't you have a group of women that you met online that get together face to face?

Yes, Dotsie, that's my iVillage gang and we come from many states and meet yearly in a different city. We visit each other in between meets, and we talk every day online on FB and iVillage. And we also have a daily conference chat on Yahoo Messenger. I have been with these boomers for 10 years now.

Diamond, that is so cool.

Well girl, here I am, a new friend! I am on facebook, but just dont get it.. people post all the time and silly stuff, like doing laundry, etc....so there is no time for emails. Yes, I do think emails are losing to facebook,twitter, etc etc, but I LOVE emailing!!! Never liked talking on the phone, but LOVE emailing!!! I actually have friends that dont even do computers! PLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! They want me to call them, but if I dont call my mom or my kids,whatdayathink??? LOL! Forget the old friends and just make new, but also get outta da house and socialize with solid humans! Volunteer, join a group, take a class, you know the drill! Fill your life and pretty soon you will say, WHO? to those who left you for that silly facebook!

Catwoamn, great attitude.

We like to email, and the younger generation communicates by texting; even more instantaneous.