Runaway

This board always has such good advice - I'm hoping someone here can help me know what to do and how to help.

My sister's 18-year-old daughter, who has already been diagnosed manic-depressive and is on meds, has run away. My sister found out that she and her 18-year-old boyfriend have been skipping school, enough to threaten their graduation. She confronted her daughter about it (In the presence of her daughter's shrink) and took her daughter's car keys and cell phone away from her.

The daughter found another key and took the car and disappeared. We're sure she got hold of her boyfriend and believe they've run off together. My sister contacted the police to file a runaway report and, if she wants to, can report the car stolen which should help find the runaways. She's not sure she wants to go that far - yet.

The mother of the boy has gone incommunicado - didnt' even go home last night, apparently, after she heard that the police had been called. That's a mystery and worries us.

The boy did not have a car, so we do believe they're traveling in the daughter's car (which belongs to my sister).

My niece has been a problem for quite a while, very belligerant, doesn't seem to care about her mother at all. My sister is not a perfect mother. She's not a BAD mother either. But I don't think they are able to communicate very well. Certainly not for the last couple of years, which does often seem par for the course for mothers and daughters. I didn't communicate well with my DD#2 when she was that age.

I guess what I'm asking is, since both the girl and boy are over 18 (but not graduated yet) - what options does my sister have? Her daughter doesn't have access to any money. She had about $40 cash and a gas credit card, that's all. He doesn't probably have much cash either.

What can parents do when the situation gets this bad? We don't think the daughter uses drugs, but she did leave without her meds, so will probably get pretty manic for a while and then maybe crash. She has a history of cutting herself and making 'sorta' suicide attempts - taking pills and then immediately telling someone about it. She's been hospitalized once for doing this but spent her whole time in the hospital happily flirting with one boy there.

The bi-polar issues are familiar to me (I have a different sister who is bi-polar) and, of course, they complicate everything. Especially if the niece stays unmedicated for long.

Any advice would be welcome.

Sometimes kids have to hit rock bottom to make them wake up and realize what they had. It must be very hard on your sister not knowing what is going on. It is absolutely mean and egotistical of her daughter to not have even left a note.

How badly does your sister need the car? If it's a question of her own existence being threatened, like having to drive to work and such…then yes, I would report it as stolen.

I'm not sure about the laws in America. In Germany when a child turns 18…the parents have no more say. The irony is, the parents still have to support their kids, though, till they can support themselves.

What does the doctor say about the situation?

Lots of issues going on here, morally and legally. I'm not sure which part you've asked about, so I'll tread carefully until I understand more.

If she is 18, she knows wrong from right. And being bi-polar, she knows she needs to be taking the meds. This 18-year old is making radical decisions and has no regard for the Mother. It can only get worse without the meds, or possibly, I should say.

She has to be held accountable for her actions at some point. If it were my child, I think I would report the car stolen BECAUSE I would want to know where she was and if she was okay. Right now, without sitting and hoping for the best, I think it would be my only alternative.

If she was arrested, then at least I would know she was safe and could force her to take the meds. Or at least try. Because she is OFF of the meds, her thinking is not clear MAYBE??? I have to say that this would be a heavy factor in my actions but really, what other options does the Mom have, other than sitting and wringing her hands? Of course if she is arrested, she'll have that record from now on and because she is an adult, what are the penalities? I would have to know that before I made that decision.

There is always more background than what you've given here ... things leading up to her behavioral changes, life, situations, etc., so giving a lump answer is hard to do without knowing them personally.

But I will tell you this. I do believe in tuff love. At some point your sister needs to think about HERSELF as well. Our children can make us crazy with worry, they can break out hearts. We have to love them enough to make them responsible for their actions.

I sincerely hope she comes home safe and sound. My heart aches for your sister because it is very easy for me to put myself in her place. I was one of the lucky ones as my own push the envelope when they were young, but came out on the other side unscared and safe, and as responsible young men. Thank you God! So I empathsize with her.

Yes, I think my sister will stick to her guns on the subjects that matter most - the lying has to end and the daughter has to do her best to finish school. She is still debating about reporting the stolen car - I think if the daughter doesn't show up or contact her in the next 24 hours, that will probably be the way Sis goes. (My sister does not need the car for her own transportation.)

Hannah, yes, that's part of the problem, since both kids are over 18, legally there's nothing other than reporting the car that my sister can do.

Even if my niece comes back home (which hopefully she'll eventually do, seeing as she has no money), I don't know how my sister is going to compel her to go to school. She can drive her there, of course, but there's no way to make sure she stays. Taking control of the car is really all my sister can do - and when and if she gets hold of it, she's prepared to warehouse it so that if the daughter has made more keys, they won't help her take it again.

Having lived with my bipolar sister (who's now over 50 and actually pretty stable), we know that we have to be understanding and yet also hold the niece accountable for her actions, including her decisions at times for not taking her meds. It's just really hard watching her make these wrong decisions, potentially life-ruining decisions.

Of course its hard! Oh yes, very. You love her and want only the best for her. How hard this must be on all of you. I will hold you close in my prayers, dear friend. This road is a hard one to travel.

Oh my. I'm so sorry your niece is putting all of you through this? I have a feeling she will not be gone long. She has no money, right? I would definitely speak with her doctor to see if he/she has any insight. Has she done that? Geez, I wonder if the doctor can tell her anything if the daughter is over 18. Anyone know?

i got nuthing of value to add over and above what has been added but i just wanted to write and let you know i am supporting you all....its such a harbraking situasion...when she dose come home, when monie and gas run out, it still gonna be preetie trickie so i hoping for a calming influences for your aidd.

Dejavu, my heart is pouring out to you and your sister, as well as your neice right now. This is a lose-lose situation, no one can be at peace right now.

I know nothing to help you at all. I do suggest finding out about the legal issues if she is gone longer than a day or two.

I pray that everything finds a win-win resolution for everyone.

My niece is home, at least for the moment. My sister found her over at the boyfriend's house. HIS mother knew they were there and never called my sis. I don't understand that. I mean, if a friend of one of my children showed up at my house and said they'd been fighting with a parent and wouldn't go home, I'd let them stay, but I'd insist on at least notifying the parent. Sometimes it's good to have a cooling off period. But I don't think that's what happened in this case.

Anyway, my niece is home. Still acting high and mighty, not speaking, locking herself in her bedroom, and my sister is not handling it very well, pretty much locking herself in her own room. I'm stunned with the whole thing.

Well, at least she is safe and unharmed. Bless your heart and everyone involved. What a hard situation to be in.

I will pray for guidance for your sister, and for the daughter's heart to soften. And for peace for all of you.

Sounds like a real tough situation, deja. Your niece sounds like at heart, a good person but lacks self-discipline. I have nothing new to add to the tough love stuff that others before me mentioned already.

How does she respond to you, as an aunt? Does she at all, in her better moods/times, like speaking with you (vs. her mom)? What are her favourite passions/latent good skills to refocus her energy so that she can understand the value of finishing her high school?

If she is 18, has she ever considered/wanted to get a part-time job?..or at least, she be warned soon.. You know, my partner had some usual problems with his son. He wanted to live his friends and so he did. They were a good crowd. Each parent did not give him money to live.

So he got a job...then eventually he finished high school part-time while holding down full-time job. He also found his passion --cooking. Took more courses on cooking. So he's working his way through the restaurant industry..becoming a chef.

Your sister needs to have your big ear to air her frustrations.

I talked with my sis this morning and she said that last night she and her daughter spoke briefly, enough to establish that the daughter will go to school this morning and also she took her meds last night. Pretty much at this point, the daughter is giving the mom the cold shoulder.

Maybe on the ride to school, they'll talk. For some reason, the car was always a good place for me and my kids to have heart-to-hearts. Maybe because it's a confined space but you don't have to look at each other.

Among her aunts (four of us), my niece is probably closest to the one who is also bi-polar. This aunt has gone out of her way to offer some counsel and certainly understands being bi-polar better than anyone else. But mostly, at the moment, the niece doesn't really want to talk to any adult, including her shrink. She's tired of hearing from adults, because they tell her things she doesn't like to hear.

I have cousins who went through real rebellious stages with their folks and who eventually turned out fine. It's living THROUGH these times that will drive you crazy.

Glad to hear she is back and taking her meds. Someitmes parents have to accept the cold shoulder if the kids are home and safe. It's not fun, but it's nothing in comparison to he kids being out on the streets.

I recommend that you consider writing her a lovely letter as her aunt, mentioning her desirable qualities, attributes, etc. That's what she needs to hear right now. Go on and on reminding her of the goodness that lies within. I don't think you can go wrong by doing so. Even though it's tough to build her up right now becasue she's misbehaving, it's what she needs.

Thanks for getting back to us.

We also used the car to talk with kids. I always thought it was becasue no one could escape!

thats a reallie good idea dotsie about bilding the kid up even if she being difficult at the minet...Its not sometmes the obviouse choise but it help her self-esteem and help her feel loved and like she belonged and was welcomed back. People responde better from that place and sence of securitie. your sis sounds like she talking tit tough too, sounds like she at the minuet maybee just temerarily beeten could the movies or a day walking even round the shops help your sis any? not in a peminent way but maybee just some relife that she needing from her own head and troubles.

Thanks, Dotsie and Celtic Flame. I think I'll write a note to each of them.

Sometimes they just need to hear what's good about them when they are in these funks. Maybe it will help change her perspective. It might be nice if a few of her loved ones did the same.

dajavu, any news?

Dejavu: Glad to hear your niece is back home, safe from harm. I pray she lets someone "in" so that she can receive guidance and understanding. At times like these, they need to know they are loved, although needing to know also that you do not approve of their actions.

I pray for your sister and entire family too. Letters is a good way to communicate and not feel threatened. Maybe they help!

I do not understand why another parent -the boyfriends'- didn't let your sis know the girl is alright. So easy to accomplish... but... at least she's home safe.

Thanks for everyone's support, it really helps. Sis and niece are doing okay for now. I still think they don't talk much, but at least the niece is going to school and her part-time job and not giving my sister as much attitude, despite still being grounded. I sent both of them notes of support and encouragement. Didn't hear back but, again, these two are not notorious communicators. Hopefully, their truce will lead to more understanding in the future.