Tough situation with grown son

Hi there-
I have just found this site tonight. I have read some posts and I think I will love it here. I am looking for some help with my 22 yr old son and husband. Here's the jist of it - my son lives with his girlfriend of 4 years (I think). We never hear from him. He makes promises to go to family outings, or to come over and help me with some house repairs (hubby is NOT good at this!). He never comes thru on any promise. He owes us quite a bit of $$ for a car that is sitting in storage.
I honestly believe that the g/f does not like us for some strange reason. We have always tried to be kind and loving to her. Now that she has her hooks into him, she is controlling his life. If he ever is in our home, it is without her, but she calls him constantly.
I feel that I have lost my son. My husband is very angry. He wants me to speak to my son. He is too angry and will just blow any chance we have. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am very hurt. The question I have is this: as a parent, would you approach him and tell him exactly how you feel about not seeing him, about how you feel he is ripping out your heart, without bringing the girl into the picture at all??? Then there is also the issue of the $$. Should we sell the car out from under him? I just don't know which way to turn without losing him forever.
Thank You so much for listening.

Crafty,

Welcome! You've come to the right place! You will find great wisdom and support here!

If this was your bestest friend in the world, what would you do?

You wouldn't want to lose your best friend over issues that you haven't sat down and had a heart to heart about! (without any family guilt added!)

I think you sitting down with him alone and sharing your heart like you just did, about his not coming around, and the car issue makes sense. I personally would not bring the girl into it.

There are many women here that struggle with their adult children - I'm sure they will have awesome advice!

Welcome, and God bless you!

Danita

Hi, Craftyone,
Of course you should talk to your son.Tell him you love him, tell him you miss him.Let him know you know he is an adult and as an adult the two of you need to come to some decision on the car- whether to sell it or to set up a payment plan so he can keep it if he wants to
Leave out this girl. From experience I have learened with my oldest son that what I saw as his girlfriend's influence to ignore us was just his own self centeredness learned from his dad.
I too loaned him thousands and then never heard a word until my husband said- we have to stop enabling him not to face his own responsibilities. The last time he called for a "loan" I said no. Right after I got an email from my ex- his dad that I chose my husband over my child.
I felt guilty but after awhile I realized it was time for my son to become an adult at 30 and face up to his choices.
He knows I love him. But he also knows that I will not let him run away from himself anymore.
He will always be my child but he is my adult son

Hi Ladies-

Thank you for your thoughts and blessings. I know what I need to do. My problem is that I am not a strong woman and I always want to make everyone happy and content. I avoid conflicts at all costs. Something I have fought with for a long time to try to overcome. I suffer from depression from time to time and when things get rough, that old bug rears its ugly head and I start to sink, and then the tears won't quit. Ugh!!! I just have to muster up the courage and pray about it.
Thanks so much.

Since the car is in storage does this mean he doesn't need it?

It's sad when a basic stranger can pull a loved one away. I've been blessed with a great DIL and SIL that have always respected me and never cause any problems so I can only imagine how much this must hurt you.

I would talk to him, in love and if you cry, you cry. That's what us women do!

Okay now I have a completly different take on this situation, speaking from experience of my own. When this happens to you its hard to know how to handle it. My way was to stop over one evening unannounced and ask to talk to THEM BOTH. She offered me an ice tea and we sat at the kitchen table. I pointed no accusitory fingers at either of them, I merely said I missed seeing him at the family get togethers and everyone was asking where he was and then quickly added and they so wanted to meet (her name) as they have heard from us how happy she makes you. Also I said (her name) I was so hoping to finally have the daughter I always wanted in my life and thought she was going to be that daughter. Can you see where I was going with this? He is with her and she is an intrigate part of his life now, so if you want him you have to have her on your side. Don't kid yourself how important these girls can make themselves to our sons. I did it and maybe you did it to with your inlaws. By the time I left there we were all hugging and she and he became more frequent visitors in our home. Today 17 years later they finally got married and she has been like my daughter all these years...For right now I would not mention the money...small potatoes and you need to heal this relationship first.....just my two cents!

[ September 17, 2005, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Chatty-
I do understand where you are coming from. It would not be possible to stop by, in this case, due to the fact that they live with HER parents. Yes, you heard that right....I cannot go there and get involved with her family. So, its gonna be up to me to get him to dinner or something.If she wants to come,(but I highly doubt she will) I have no problem with that. I have a clear conscience. I have never treated her badly. And I can tell both of them how I feel.
Unfortunately the money is a big issue and needs to be dealt with. Its a long story that I don't want to take up time and space with. Besides, most people would think we were a bit nutty for putting up with it for 2 yrs now. That probably makes no sense at all.
Crafty

This is a classic car. And no - he really does not need it. Its a luxury that NEVER should have come about. But because its a classic, I feel he will be sorry someday. But, I s'pose that should be his tough luck, right?

Maybe he's staying away because of the money issue. Doesn't want to address it.

crafty, you are getting some excellent advice. I picked up on your depression comment and want to invite you to the Featured Author forum this month. Sharon is doing an awesome job discussing that topic. Why not jump down there and see waht she and the other gals have to say? Please let us know if you can't find it.

Crafty I have also had trouble with my son and his wife. I won't go into the details, but we had a sort of tenuous peace for a time. Then my grandson was born. Ever since he was born he has been spending 1 night every other weekend with me. My DIL and I have a much better relationship and it is mainly because how can you dislike someone who adores your child and showers him with love and attention?

These girls do have a lot of power over our sons and your son's gf could be a permanent fixture in your family. Do not burn any bridges not only because of them, but of any future GC you may have.

Daisygirl

Okay then why not invite her, your son and her parents for a bab-be-que or something like that. Nothing strange about wanting to meet your sons intended inlaws. You best not meet with him alone, she might take it personally and possibly its his fault because of the MONEY!!!

[ September 18, 2005, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I have no answers but perhaps comfort in numbers?? I could have written your note word for word (if you left out the money part) only mine is a DIL of 4 years and not a girlfriend.
Will watch your replies with interest as I might find some good advice, too. It is really depressing, I know, but I have gotten to the point where I just try to block it out and stay away from them because it is so painful and no matter what approach we take, it is wrong. Here's hoping that Love in the end will be the answer some how.

Wow, looks like I have plenty of company here. I am the mother of 2 sons. I, too have longed for a chance to have a 'daughter' but never expected this.

My youngest (28) has invited his girlfriend to move in with him - along with her 3 year old daughter. She is very young (never married the father of her child) and has no relationship with her own mother.

I had hoped that we would hit it off - but she has proven to be very defensive. The few occassions that we have had to have conversation have been quite strained. I believe I did everything that I could think of to be welcoming. Even had a little 'goody bag' of trinkets for the little one. No pressure. Just tried to get to know her.

We see very little of my son. I know he feels bad about it - he often calls me on his way home from work (before he gets home and back into her domain.) He often comes over for an early Saturday morning visit (alone) to see his dad.

We also have some money issues that complicate this whole issue. We had been helping him stay afloat after a long period of lay-off; and he's still struggling - now, with dependants.....

I flash back to the early days of my marriage, and I know how much I hated interferrence by in-laws. I don't want to do anything that I would really regret. This is such a fragile relationship. I have taken the position of keeping my distance. Maybe I should try to get closer to her - it could be that she just doesn't know how to have a mother/daugher realtionship.

I'll be following this thread - Like you, Craftyone, I hate conflict. It's peace at any price in my world, too. This is certainly not what I had hoped for family.

[ September 21, 2005, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: browser57 ]

DandyLion-
I can see myself in your position in a few years. It has got to hurt even more, if they are married. What happens when they have children? Will you ever see your granchildren? That would hurt me even more. I love children, and if they were my own grandkids and I could not see them, I don't know how I could handle that. They say that God only gives us as much as we can handle. Sometimes I wonder, what is HE thinking????

Browser-
In my early days, even before my hubby and I married, my in-laws were just horrible and my hubby ended up moving out of their home and into a motel. And on my end, my Mom is extremely controlling and loves to lay guilt trips on me and my siblings, and also on her grandkids. I hate it and my kids hate it. So, because of those experiences, I try very hard not to lay the guilt trips on any of my kids. A friend recently told me sometimes you have to, to wake them up. That they do not even realize what they are doing. But I know my son - he will run the other way if I do that.
Sounds like you and I have alot in common. I never in my wildest dreams thought my family relationships would end up like this. Hubby tells me its not us, its her. She has some issues. But it does not help the matter that we don't see, or even talk to our son.
I have met her parents several times. I even went over there once to try and talk to him about a few things. They are just very different from us. I don't think having them in my home would make a difference. At least not now. Maybe in the future if these kids stick it out. I pray that my son opens his eyes to see what's happening and just how controlling she is. That is really the only thing I can do.

It's an awful way to feel - but I, too, am keeping my fingers crossed that he will wake up one day and realize the the 'great sex' isn't worth the hassle.

Previously, he had a relationship with a wonderful gal - and when they broke up after 5 years, I was a mess. They seemed so happy, but there was a lot that I didn't know about. Apparently, this 'wonderful gal' had a real problem with drugs. That about killed me - so you never know.

So, let's keep in touch. PM me if you like - we have a lot to talk about.

I don't have much time, I have to leave for an appt., but I was wondering if we have more relationship problems with our sons than with daughters. I don't have a daughter so I don't know. Maybe this would be better as a new thread, I don't know.

Daisygirl

How does the saying go?

A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.

A son is a son until he takes a wife......

CraftyOne:
I have worked with victims of domestic violence and the isolation and control some of these women exert over our sons sounds very familiar and symptomatic of an abusive relationship. I just wonder what, if anything, the families on the sidelines can do to throw lifelines to sons and brothers who appear to be "under the spell." Our son seems to be embarrased at times by his wife's hurtful behavior but that glimpse is always fleeting and after she has a chance to process all encounters with him, he reverts back to the view that his family is always in the wrong and their behavior is justified. It is almost like what I would imagine brainwashing looks like.
It just feels so frustrating to stand helplessly on by and watch him slip away. This has gone for 4 years and has only gotten worse over time. He seems so sad and depressed but I doubt that he would ever admit to us that all is not perfect in his marriage.
Yes, it would be very sad if they had children. As much as I would love to have gradchildren, I dred the day that I hear they are expecting because it will absolutely break my heart to have a grandchild in town that I never see. There would be other grandparents available to help so if we were not needed, we would not likely be included.
Thanks for your response.

This is a very interesting topic. I have two sons...maybe that's why I'm interested. They are young, and I also have a daughter.

Anyway, I have watched a woman be seperated from her son due to similar situations. I don't understand why the guys won't stand up.

My advice is to do everything with love every chance you get.

Do you send cards or phone?

DandyLion,

Before my grandson was born, I had a very strained relationship with my DIL mainly, but also with my son. Even though I had very hurt feelings, (I have to give that hurt up every day)I kept on inviting them to dinner, etc. After the GS was born, my DIL and I began to respect and admire each other for the first time. I began to respect her because she was such a good mother and she began to respect me because I'm a good grandma. We won't ever be best friends, but I'm happy if we can all just get along.

I was concerned that I wouldn't get to see my GS when he lives so close. Our situations are not the same, but mine turned out much better than I hoped and yours may also.

Daisygirl

Dotsie there is a term that is used for a man that won't stand up to his wife which is slang and probably not politically correct but the term is being p-s-y whipped. Sorry but thats the term...usually has a lot of merit too.