Christmas dilemma

I'm trying to figure out a solution to a problem and thought I would bring it up here as the advice is so good :-)

In another post I described my situation as a single parent with three children, my eldest son was until a month ago addicted to crack cocaine and has been for the past 5 years. It's a very long story but I won't go into too much detail now. After treatment at three different centres he is finally getting it together but is very vulnerable to going back to his old lifestyle and to be honest I have no idea if he is still using or not. He also abuses alcohol and pot. Here is the problem, I have had to move a few times as he keeps coming to my home after being evicted for not paying his rent. He spends his money on partying and expects me to always be there for him when things don't work out. (I had to kick him out when he was 18 due to violent behaviour, drug use, not going to school or work etc. he would basically try to control me and his siblings and had the house in constant chaos) Through counselling and advice from the police I was told to move again and not let him know where I live. Last year at Christmas time I let down my guard and had him for supper. He was camped out on my deck in a sleeping bag, freezing drugged out and knocking on the door non-stop begging to come in. He managed to manipulate his way back in the house (I couldn't refuse him Christmas dinner) and I had to work hard to get him help (counselling) and try to find him alternative housing once again. Believe me and this is a whole other post, there is little if any help out there for drug addicts who don't want help. I have been through hell these past few years trying to get help for him. In my town as in many others there are limited options. Also until they accept help there is none. As a parent it's tough love or putting up with a crazy person in your house 24/7. Many have suggested to not let him in but he can knock non stop for hours on end driving us and the neighborhood crazy. He has also broken in many times so it's tough to keep him out if he wants in. I recently moved again August 1st and found my son another apartment. At the moment although I see him on a regular basis, he does not know where I live and I will have to keep it that way until he makes some major changes.
Well Christmas is coming soon. My son is doing just ok on his own although in and out of jobs as his lifestyle gets him fired on a regular basis. I believe in time he will get it. The problem is I don't want to make the same mistake and have him at my home at Christmas this year or the cycle will start all over again. I love him dearly and would love to have him home but do have to keep boundaries for myself and especially my other two other children who are just 12 and 13. He can be very volatile and abusive when living at home. When he lives on his own he is respectful. I see him every week at his place and help him out with groceries etc. on a limited basis as I am trying to push him towards independence but I don't want him to starve. If he knew where I lived he would spend his money on drugs or alcohol get evicted and show up on my doorstep. He would threaten suicide ( has done it before) whatever it took for me to break down and let him in.
My mother suggested having Christmas at her house this year. Since I have been divorced and my parents have gotten older I have had it at my place. This year my mom suggested having it at her house so that my eldest son can be with all of us. A nice gesture but..... she is a stress case, plays the martyr role. She will make the dinner but will complain about how much work she has done, will snap at my kids and yell at my dad. He is in a wheel chair and she says is always under her feet. She offers but resents it. Every Christmas as long as I can remember was unhappy as my parents pick this time of the year to have their worst fights. I got what I asked for usually present wise as a child but did not have a Christmas without major stress from an early age. How my parents are still together I don't know. They are codependent and their relationship is very dysfunctional. Anyway, I am trying to find an alternative solution. I don't want my kids to go through the stress of Christmas at my parents (they hate going there because my mother constantly nit picks at my dad and they find it very upsetting) Every year she complains about what he gets from my dad in front of everyone and goes on and on about it basically ruining our Christmas.
I want my kids to have a nice Christmas this year without all the stress. If we go to my parents we will get to have Christmas all together, but there will be a price to pay. I want to see my son but can't have him at my place this year because of reasons already explained. If we don't have Christmas and include my parents my mother will never speak to me again. Any suggestions on how to have a nice Christmas dinner without going to my parents and not having it at my place. I have thought about a restaurant but that could be quite expensive. I'm stumped. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
thanks,
Kate

Kate, I was about to suggest a restaurant but you said that could get expensive but why does it have to be? I'd check around and look at prices and menus. You obviously have a computer and many restaurants post their menus along with prices.

Your mom is a lot like mine. She'll cook too much, get too tired and then complain and fall asleep. Well, she use to. She and my dad live in Florida now so I kind of wish I had her complaining back though I'd regret it as soon as the first cuss word is uttered by her. (Smile.)

My nephew was addicted to crack and had tried every other drug as well. He hit bottom and had been jailed for stealing something from a neighbor's house to buy his junk. He even stole from his own mother! No one would've thought he was ever going to kick that habit that he had probably had since the age of 14 (our guess.)

I wish my sister-in-law could see him now. She passed away 10 years ago while he was in jail. He met a wonderful girl, got married and has two beautiful, healthy children. Working started out a little rough but he's finally stable and in a job he has kept at for over a year now.

When everyone else turned away from him (his father and sister) his mother stayed his constant. I don't know how she did it but she did. Her house was robbed and because there was no forced entry we think he did it.

You have found what works for you so you have to keep doing it for the sake of your other two children. I know your heart must ache wanting to see your son, I know mine would. Could you ask your parents for a small loan to pay for your Christmas dinner in place of a Christmas gift?

Katebbca, I was thinking too, our grocery store has a small cafe right inside where a person can order a sandwich, sit and talk. Do you have something like that? How about a Panera Bread restaurant?

What would be so wrong with going to a fast-food eatery such as McDonalds or Burger King? If I wanted to see my son the location wouldn't matter and to heck with anyone who would turn up their noses at your choice of where you eat. Teenagers love pizza, as do most everyone so how about a place like that?

Please let me know what happens, I care.

Sorry, but it's me again. Everyone probably wonders where I come up with these ideas but as I was in the shower I kept thinking about this matter.

Another idea: Hospitals have cafeterias and usually on a holiday serve up a special entree. After all, people visiting loved ones need to eat too. No one would know that you're not there visiting a patient and you could stay as long as you want. Our hospital really has good food and is one of the top rated in this area. Just a thought.

I don't know about all hospitals, but when my husband and mother were both hospitalized last Christmas, neither one of the hospital cafeterias was open. It would have been so much nicer if they had been. If one is open near you, that might be something worth considering.

There isn't many places that are open on Christmas day, that's the problem. Have you checked with your church? Maybe they are planning a dinner. Another place to consider might be a chinese restaurant. It's inexpensive and they might be open.

Thank you for all of your wonderful ideas. Unfortunatly or fortunatly however you look at it my son was arrested and got 16 months for a b&e and selling stolen property to pawn shops.
He was going down hill fast, using heavily at the time and I was worried he was going to die. He is drug free now at least but was recently assaulted inside and is now in another unit and quite traumatized. This is my worst fear as although he breaks the law he is in the wrong business as he is a scared skinny kid who is always picked on when incarcerated. He is in a protected area in his cell for 23 hours out for one. He doesn't call much as he has to go to an area where there are other inmates and they threaten him. He just turned 21 last week. He has a real kind side and the guards like him because he is respectful to them not like the others. This is why it's so sad because when he is not using he is such a sweet kid. But I do believe that he has to pay his debt to society and learn the hard way, and he sure likes to learn the hard way. He will be in for one year before he's up for parole and has only been in a couple of other times for very short stays. This is going to be a hard lesson and I hope that a longer stay in custody will allow him to stay away from drugs and alcohol when he gets out. I just hope he is not too psychologically damaged when he gets out.
Christmas will be at my house this year and will hopefully be peaceful. I was going to invite my ex-inlaws over to keep my mom distracted from her usual complaining but they are doing the smart thing and going away for the holidays. I will really miss my son. It's hard. I want him to face the consequences of his actions but at the same time wish he didn't have to be afraid for his personal safety. Hopefully this will be the last time in jail.
Again, thank you all for your great ideas and thoughts.
Katebc

I'm sorry to hear that Katebc.
I hope he learns his lesson and that when this has passed you will be able to be a whole family again. My prayers are with you and your son.

I am so glad to hear from you! Our nephew went through so much of the exact same things as your son when he was that age.

He's 35 now and has been married for five years this coming May. This girl saved his life. They have two beautiful healthy children and our nephew has finally held down a job for over a year.

He drank and did every drug there is. While he was in jail his mom died. My husband and I promised we'd look after him as much as we could. She left us money to give to him as he needed it. When he got out he got the remaining money. I never gave up on him and wrote to him sometimes twice a week.

Just keep up your faith that he will get better because he will! None of us ever thought he would be where he is now. He stole from his own mother. We all knew the drugs were causing him to do these things. He probably started the habit at the age of around 14 (our best guess).

Our nephew was always the kinder, softer one of my sister-in-laws two kids. He always was and still is very loving. You should see him with his two children.

I pray that your son meets a nice girl too. If it can happen to our nephew it can happen to your son. Just keep up the faith and never give up.

It's never easy...especially on a mom's heart.
So, hard watching your kids continue to dig holes for themselves.
No amount of talking helps until they reach a point, of wanting change for themselves.
It's heartbreaking to hear of the consequences they are having to learn from, even worse having to see them.
Wishing, all of your family a Christmas filled with God's love and peace.

kate, my thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time. I have heard that many parents feel relief when thier children are in jail because they are off the streets and no longer have to worry about getting that dreaded phone call that something has taken place.

I believe that the guards like your son so they will look out for his safety. Do you believe that?

I have no doubts that your son is kind. Most addicts are. It's the drugs that make them a different person. He is drug free in jail, therefore the guards will be on his side. I pray you don't have to worry about his safety.

Does the jail offer counseling? If so, would your son be open to that? Perhaps this is the best thing for him. He'll be clean for a year and can get back in touch with who he was before abusing.

Just keep loving him and building him up while he is in there. Make him feel good about himself. I know that sounds crazy, but it's what he needs. Now that he's straight, I'm sure he has tremendous guilt for his past actions.

I am sending warm, tender thougths to you and your family this Christmas. I know you have a son in jail and that hurts, but try to focus on the fact that he is clean and perhaps on the path to a better future.

katebca, have peace in your heart dear lady.


(((((((((HUG))))))))


We should also acknowledge that this hug is a Bluebird trademark.

Katebcca since you are having Christmas at your house why not have a buffet and ask everyone to bring a dish make a list of all the things you want and send one to all the guests asking that they pick a dish to make. Eventually all will be taken...This way not all the fnancial burden rests on one person.

There is no better lesson for your son than the unfortunate one he's learned in prison and should be a good deterant for his not going back there again....Hard lessons are rarely forgotten. Have a blessed Christmas, if he's in solitare he's safe there.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I do believe in God and understand that he has a plan for my son. My son also believes in God which is comforting for me to know that he is not alone. I sent him a really wonderful birthday card and in the message inside it read "I am proud that you are my son". I know the choices he makes are his and he is suffering the consequences but rather than judge him I have chosen to build him up as Dotsie suggested. It does not mean that I think that his behaviour is ok but that I think he is ok on the inside where it counts.
He did have a girlfriend and after she dumped him because he got drunk and did something unforgivable, I don't know what, he went into a huge depression and started doing drugs more heavily. He was so happy with her but unfortunately in a very unhealthy place at the time. He just couldn't get over the loss and grieved for way too long.
He won't go for counselling or any programs because he would have to mix with the general population and he is scared for his safety so he keeps to himself in his room all day. He did tell me that he is going to take some coorespondence courses to finish his high school, he sure has the time to do it.
And thanks for mentioning your nephew ladybug this helps alot. I know because he has a good heart that he will eventually be ok. His lawyer says he is still young and there is a good chance he will turn this around and he has seen this happen many times.
Christmas, yes I will take your suggestion Chatty and ask others to chip in. I like making the turkey though and the kids love to help so it should work out fine although I will miss my son.
I pray for all of you too as we all face our own little struggles. May this Christmas season be truly meaningful for us all.
Katebc

Please have hope for your son Katebc because it CAN happen.

Just keep loving him and letting him know it. He needs to hear it.

My nephew felt pretty worthless while he was in jail. My former brother-in-law never went to see him and almost if not disowned him. My nephew first got the marijuana from his own father's home. This man would even offer it to his children's friends (according to my niece, the nephew's sister)!

The best I could do was to write to my nephew and tell him, yes, you made bad choices but it's up to you now to turn them around. I told him he needed to first apologize to his sister. He stole money and a ring from her. The ring can't be replaced because it was given to her by their now -deceased mother.

He and his sister were on very bad terms then. She didn't write to him or visit him in jail. He felt very alone. When a person is in that tiny cell day after day it must drive them crazy. Think then how it must feel to never hear from those you love, closest to you?

Have hope for your son and love him for who he use to be and who he can be again.

Many hugs to you! I hope your Christmas is beautiful as your heart is too!

kate, here's a thought: I bet if you did some Google searches you could find stories or books about people who have totally turned thier lives around while in jail. Why not get your hands on them and give them to him for Christmas? Maybe he needs to realize how lucky he is that he got caught and has this opportunity to begin again.

Thanks, I would love to do that but they cannot receive anything in jail. My Mom sent him a birthday card and they sent it back because it was homemade and could have been used to hide drugs. It's a different world in there. I only hope that they have books like that in jail.
What I have done and will continue to do is send articles I find on line not sure if they will let him have this at his new facility. The only thing you can send them are letters, and money for the canteen. They get to buy stuff once a week. I can't even send him self addressed envelopes. Very strict. He said that there are 20 books on each unit so I hope at least some of them are inspiring.
thanks though, especially for thinking of me and continuing to be helpful, much appreciated.
Katebe

Katebcca, we haven't heard from you so how did your Christmas go? I hope it was happy and worked out well for all of you. How is your son doing?

Have a very happy, healthy new year!

Thank you ladybug. Yes my son does need my love and emotional support but I cannot enable him and have stopped this as it was unhealthy for both of us. We write to each other every couple of days, well I write to him and he writes back once a week and also calls. It pains me that his father has basically abandoned him but they have to work this out and I hope they do as it will only help my son in the long run. I have told him what you have said more than a few times: "you have made bad choices but it's up to you to turn things around" I think he gets this. Thanks for your concern everyone. I have not been checking in much lately. I did have a quiet Christmas but missed my son. He called on Christmas Eve when the family was all at the house and talked to everyone. I am sure it was difficult for him. Right now he is focusing on treatment while inside and his parole hearing in April. He needs me to show up for this and drive him to a treatment centre where he will be for three months if he gets out. It's important that I am there and I will be as by then he will have done 6 months and will need the support. If I don't show at the parole meeting his chances will be slim to none of getting out and going into treatment. He is on anti-anxiety medication because he wakes up in the night and can't breath. He is in his cell 23 hours a day by choice. He is a tall skinny young man and a prime candidate for being picked on. He has already taken some punches and is scared for his safety so has requested to be in solitary confinement. I sure hope this experience is enough to keep him off the drugs. Hope is not at all lost, it is just taking him a long time to get it. Over the past year I have had to learn to let go and let him face the consequences of his actions. This has not been easy but very necessary.
Christmas was quiet and not stressful like usual so that is a good thing. With my mom and my son (both can be very negative, him on drugs and her just miserable) previous Christmasses have been very unpleasant. So much so that I wanted to do something different this year. Without my son around though my Mom seemed to be less negative this year. So all in all it went well. I hope everyone else had a wonderful holiday. Thanks Dotsie for your email and concern too. Happy New Year to everyone.
Kate

katebcca, we haven't heard from you in awhile now. How are you and your son doing? Is he adjusting to his current situation? Did he write that letter we talked about?

I do hope all is well with you.

(((( HUGS )))) A Bluebird Trademark

Hi Ladybug,
Yes my son wrote the letter. I put together a press release and mailed it off to newspapers. For those who don't know my son wanted me to put a letter in the newspapers telling people how to avoid being a victim of property crime. He used to break into houses to get stuff to sell to feed his drug habit. That is why he is in jail. Anyway one large newspaper called me back and will print the letter plus wants to interview him. I hope he finds this experience helpful as he is making an effort in his own way to try to do something to help others. Basically protect themselves from people like him (or should I say like he was)
Everything is great, thanks although I miss my son he is paying his debt to society and will hopefully learn from this very difficult situation he finds himself in. And no, he is not adjusting very well at all which is quite upsetting.
Thanks for asking.
Kate

Kate, thanks for the update. He is certainly making great strides if he wants to reach out and help people. I hope they interview him. I think it would make him feel good about himself. Perhaps he can be a role model for others in jail.

How is your mother's heart?

I know two women who have children in jail right now. I know it hurts. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Thanks for answering Kate. I agree with Dotsie that writing the article for the newspaper is a positive step in helping him to feel good about himself.

I think he just needs to know that he still has your love and support even if he did get a bit side-tracked on his journey of life.

I would think jail is hard to adjust to. My nephew described his cell and I think such small confines day after day would drive a person batty.

Please keep us posted, my thoughts are with you because we all love our children and want them to be happy and successful. It has to be hard to know that at least for the time being, it's going to be rough for him to experience this. It will happen. It did for our nephew.

He seems to have turned his life around and wants to be a part of the positive side now, this is good and hopefully when he is once again a free man he will continue to walk on the positive side of life...Who better to learn property safety from than a person who use to be the unsafe element they needed to worry about...Sometimes a hard lesson is the best lesson.