letting go

My son has been home for spring break this past week and now it's time for him to leave again!
Please tell me this gets easier with time. He's the oldest and first to go. This is a new heartbreak for me.

Dotsie,
Try concentrating on the blessing that he is happy, healthy, and has the opportunity to expand his mind. While I know it's difficult to see him leave, try to focus on all the "good" that is going on in his life; of which, dear friend, you are soooo responsible! Hope this helps. And if it doesn't, I will be happy to send son #2 to sit in. What?

JJ

JJ, you are so right. There are times I can do that and others where it all goes out the window and I sulk! Depends on the mood. Yesterday I was PMSing and I tend to get sentimental during those times. Thanks for breaking up my pity party! I needed it!

I'm not ready for #2 son yet, but thanks for the offer!

I feel your pain. My son now has been gone and out on his own now for 3 years. I had a very hard time. I only have one son/one child and my husband (2nd marriage) and I were going through some very tough times. I was miserable without my son. I missed him so bad. But realizing over time that alot of the friction between my husband and I was my son. Now that he's gone things are better with the relationship with my son and his step father and the relationship with my husband. I still miss my son but I'm glad to have my house back when he leaves. Yes you will eventually get use to it.

I did get a dog!!! That helped alot.

Sounds like what used to be called "Empty Nest Syndrome."
Empty Nest Syndrome is named for how scientists thought the mother bird feels when her baby birds fly away.
I don't know about all birds, but when eaglettes get about the age of teenagers in people years, the mother eagle begins to pull the grass and other soft padding from the nest so the baby birds wind up very uncomfortable on the sticks and thorns of the nest. It is to make them uncomfortable enough to will leave the nest and fly away.

The lesson of that seems to be if we want our children to soar like eagles, we have to not only allow them to fly, we may have to nudge them out of the nest.
Sonds like a good thing for all.
smile

It's kind of strange, when my 1st son left home I thought I'd die but had to push him out because he felt taking care of me was his job. Then my 2nd. son left and came back again and so did the 1st son. All in all for a few years my home was like a revolving door and at times they not only came home they brought a girlfriend. Well, my 2nd son has been gone now for nearly 9 years, with no contact what-so-ever. I am finally over worrying about him and his problems, his choices. But my eldest son who just bought a new home, now wants me to move in with him and his family. I mentioned this before and now again to show that they come and they go but if the love is strong enough, they are always with you. Oh and I have decided not to move in with my son. My home is quite large and I love rambling around in it, eating if, when and what I want, or not. Sleeping late if I choose to or dreaming a story and jumping up at 4:00 AM to type notes into the computer. I guess I am enjoying my independence. Have faith ladies and be proud of your children being able to head out into this big, bad world of ours and do just fine...I am my sons safety net, once their grown thats all we can be.

I go back and forth with my emotions. Go figure!
There are moments I'm thrilled for him and his independence, and then there are the moments where I wish he was still living home.

He'll be home in a couple months. Let's see what I'm posting about then!

Smilingthrulife, you're smart to have linked your happiness with the comings and goings of your son. I think it helps us to try to sort these things out.

Oh...we already have a dog, and I still have two younger children at home.

I go back and forth with my emotions. Go figure!
There are moments I'm thrilled for him and his independence, and then there are the moments where I wish he was still living home.

He'll be home in a couple months. Let's see what I'm posting about then! :ee

Oh, smilingthrulife...we already have a dog, and I still have two younger children at home. Glad to hear you're getting through it!

Chatty, safety nets are life savers. We all need them regardless of age. SOund like you have a good one too!

My kids left the nest several years ago, and I still miss them. My daughte is 25 just gave me a granddaughter, she named Crimson 6 months ago, they live about a sixteen to twenty hour drive away from me. We have great no holes bard conversations when we get to gether. My son is 23 married with a 2 year old son Cameron. He lives in town, but works out of town alot. His wife is close to her family that also live in town, so i really only see my son and grandson every two weeks when my son has his week off, or if he is having a problem, needs money, or can't find a sitter on short notice. My daughter even if she was living in town wouldnt play this game. Its strange where you can raise two children the same way and they turn out so different, not that its a bad thing. There're both great kids.chichii

My kids left the nest several years ago, and I still miss them. My daughte is 25 just gave me a granddaughter, she named Crimson 6 months ago, they live about a sixteen to twenty hour drive away from me. We have great no holes bard conversations when we get to gether. My son is 23 married with a 2 year old son Cameron. He lives in town, but works out of town alot. His wife is close to her family that also live in town, so i really only see my son and grandson every two weeks when my son has his week off, or if he is having a problem, needs money, or can't find a sitter on short notice. My daughter even if she was living in town wouldnt play this game. Its strange where you can raise two children the same way and they turn out so different, not that its a bad thing. There're both great kids.chichii

chichii, isn't it the truth? I was raised in a family of five, all birth children to the same parents.

I have three children, all have different birth parents because the first two are adopted and the last one we gave birth to. Anyway, any time I talked to mom about how different my kids were, she reminded me how different the five of us were and we all had the same birth parents! It's the truth. And thank God! I'm grateful for my kid's differences. It makes me appreciate each one of them all the more!

Sixteen to twenty hour drive? Egads. How often do you get to see her. In many ways I liked the good old days when everyone stayed in the town they were raised.

Oh how I agree with that concept and yet I was one of the first to marry and leave the hometown. My sibblings are scattered all over the place and my mom ad brother are still in Indiana. My cousins stayed there and get together each week and cooks together they are very close. I miss all that and regret my sons being raised without relatives around them. Too late now to change anything but I do have regrets big time.

chatty, not to worry. I live in the town I was raised and have tons of cousins. For the most part we only see one another at weddings, showers, and funerals. Everyone gets so busy with their immediate family.

Hi Ladies,

I have been struggling with a modified empty nest syndrom since my daughter and her daughter moved out right after Christmas. Although I still have my three year old at home it was hard to accept that my older daughter wasn't here anymore.
I wrote an article about my feelings and hopefully it will be posted at Just For Mom by the end of the week.

Chris(angel)

Hi everyone! and happy new year. I'm back from the beach.

I had a taste of the same empty nest feelings when my teenage sons left the beach house to go home by themselves leaving us only with our little daughter for two weeks. I couldn't imagine being without them long-term...not ready for that yet.

Chris, please share the article when it's posted.

Julie, it's great to see you back. I've been thinking of you in the sunshine while watching the Australian Open. Do you live near there?

I must have been an eagle mother in another life. I felt the same longing to have my young'uns move out of the nest when it was time. I miss them terribly, but I know that it's best for them to be self sufficient and growing up and learning new responsibilities.

I even let my middle child move back for a year, but then bustled about pulling the comfort out from under her to give her the push she needed to get back out on her own. We have a great relationship and see each other often (she stayed in town) and talk constantly on the phone.

My other children are living in a different state and we communicate via e-mail, letters, and phone.

It's a good feeling to know that I raised my children so that they can take care of themselves.

Vicki, I think a lot has to do with our expectations while raising them. By the grace of God, I've always read a lot and most of what I read spoke of raising your children towards independence. My mind set has been that they will leave and it will be beneficial for all.

When they are truly independent, I hope my feelings are of gratefulnees rather than sadness.

Seems like almost every big thing of life is a combination of sadness from loss and joy in gain.
I believe for every loss there is a gain. When your children leave home, you lose the immediacy of them, but you gain your own independence and they gain theirs. You gain pride in their achievements and they gain pride in achieving on their own.
Most importantly, eventually you gain grandchildren. And boy is that ever a terific trade off.
smile

Dotsie and any other interested ladies,

My article has been posted here is the link www.justformom.com/articles_full_text_page,php?article_id=642. Probably won't help much but enjoy anyway.

Chris(angel)

One more thing, I also have an article posted at Sisters In The Lord. The link is www.sistersinthelord.org/magazine/laugh.html. Enjoy and thanks again.

Chris(angel)

Chris, this link didn't work for me. However, when I searched the humor section, I found it and realized I had read it when it first came out but didn't realize it was YOU! How funny is that? I loved it! You are so right about God laughing with us, and at us! Girls, you need to go read this article. It is very well written, and makes such good points about life!

JJ

Chris, I enjoyed getting to know you better by reading your article. Have you met Lynn? She has a little one too.

Speaking of letting go, I had to let go of my college boy with the 'rude genes' deeply embedded and gifted from his beloved dad. However, I spied on him via an uncle that lives in his college town. He's doing fine and that makes me happy. But the happiness is sorta muzzled with knowing he has such disregard for the one parent that was there in his corner since birth vs. the "Disney Parent" that only showed up on occassions.

I wonder if he'll ever realize my worth in his life? My sisters and others that know how much I nourished him into the intelligent being he's become (minus the rude ego-'I did it by myselfer).

That hurt pretty bad when he expressed that his dad had been in his life. It really made me think he has some type of psychosis. That beloved man was NOT there, at least not the way my son views his angelic parent. Hmmm.

Its human nature for us all to remember the good things about a person after they die, even when there weren't any good things to remember. I believe the term is, romantasizing ones memory. Let him be and he'll come around. His true and deeply imbedded memories will one day surface and he'll look at you differently. Hopefully!

I had to laugh to keep from being sad, but for my son, in this case Chatty. Just as I finished reading your post, the phone rang and it was my son. I was borderline rude! But, as the adult in this situation, I simply passed the phone to my daughter and continued what I was doing, never once asking the usual motherly questions about school, college life...etc. It felt good too! I am learning not to accept abuse. I'm growing here, watch out. You and a few others here have already helped me rid myself of the 'Lover-boy-toy' syndrome. Whew! This feels good.

Sug, I'm guessing your son verbally abuses you when he calls. Good for you to put your foot down. You are also setting a good example for your daughter. Be sure to tell her why you chose not to speak with him.

Well, he is not completely crazy. I am from the old school here...he wouldn't want to suffer the reprecusions of straight-out verbal abuse.

His problem is what I posted re: his confusion of which parent, since we were divorced, cared for him the most. He seems to have developed this illusion that his beloved father was a hero of some sort. Maybe he was, but it wasn't in the finance dept nor was it in the parenting. I guess the aftermaths of divorce/broken home???

Anyhow, it seems that everything his father did or didn't do, is what he's labeling me with. THe only problem with that is that his father was not there. I was. His father wasn't at the PTO meetings, school programs, school, graduation, activities, grocery, rent, car...football games...He was not there. I was. Now, why my son is seeing things this way, and as a result has somewhat of a potty mouth/disrespectful tone, I dont know. I think some sort of nuerosis has kicked in cause he was just wrong when he said that his father was there for him.

I think Smile and a few others explained earlier in the forum here that my son must think of his father as an angel and therefore can no longer or refuse to see the wrong he's ever done. That's fine. I can deal with that but not him blaming/giving me the malfuncto behaviors, especially hillucinated ones.

So, as a result, I found it safer for my son and I not to speak. Do you recall how I struggled to get him into college just this last fall semester? Well, my son's illusion of a good father is so bad that he doesn't remember that. Fine. But, he sees this angel father as the one that did when he didn't do anything other than told him how proud he was of him for going.

Now, that's wonderful and very supportive to say to your child. Hooray! But it doesn't pay the tuition. Whew! I'm mad too.

Sugar, it sounds like your son wants so badly to have a *good* father/son relationship that he is *wishing* it into existence. A good therapist could probably talk him through this. I don't think you can because you are too close to the picture. As his mom, you can't really divorce how you feel about the situation from the conversations. Also, knowing what the reality is, you can't reinforce his fantasy, because you know it's not true. But maybe another person could figure out why his *fantasy* picture of his dad is so important to him. Fantasies fill a void in a person's life. This sounds like a mighty big hole. But a word of caution, the more time a person spends defending their fantasy, the more *real* it becomes in their mind. The defending reinforces the false picture. Just my two cents.

unique, his dad died a couple months ago. I don't know if you realize that. It takes a lot to keep up with our stories. Phew.

I think Chatty's right on with her comment.

Sugaree, stick to your guns and expect respect. You are still his role model whether he likes it or not.

At some point in time (and it may not be for years) you may be able to have an adult conversation with him about the truth of his dad's involvement. He will be better able to hear the truth as he matures. For now you probably have to suck it up and understand that this too shall pass. Continue to be the good parent you've been through the years!

No, I didn't realize that his dad had died. But it really isn't uncommon for people to *idealize* people who have died. Grief does strange things to a person's heart - besides just breaking it. That first famous book about grief came out in the 70's ~'76(?). On Death and Dying, was that it? Talked about all the stages of grief; denial, anger, and I forget all the rest. The point I'm making is that if he has decided that his dad is a Hero, trying to change his mind will just reinforce his belief in the hero image. Sugar, just keep being your sweet mom self. You don't have to listen to him 'diss' you. That isn't right. But he's not only grieving for what isn't -- he's also grieving for what will never be. You may just be bearing the brunt of his anger because he feels safe showing it to you. Grief counseling might be good for you if he won't go. Not because you're grieving, but maybe to get a handle on HIS greiving. (Unless he's been disrespecting you all his life, in that case just letting go is probably the way to go)

I remember that book. It was by Elizabeth Kuebler Ross. Right? I had to read that in hgih school.

Yes, I believe you're right. My mom had bought two books like that because her parents died in '76. They were there, so I read 'em, too. Heck, I'd read anything. Cereal box, toothpaste tube, dictionary...Didn't matter. I couldn't find my mouth with a fork without a book in my hand.

laughing at unique! I was the same way! What really drove my parents crazy was that on our car trips, I'd read every last sign and billboard on the way. "A little dab will do ya! Queens Boulevard, right turn."

Meredith, you think you drove your parents crazy by reading the signs, I Sang the signs. Drove the whole family nuts, but I loved it.

As to Kubler-Ross, It was a part of a nursing class I taught ages ago and I have never forgotten it. I still go back to it occasionally. It applies to a lot of life's losses. I've read others, but I think it is still the best.
smile

Smiles, I went back to it too when Mom was dying. Elizabeth KR was one smart cookie!

[ February 11, 2005, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Sugar, your son can't talk to a dead man and express his anger so he's transfered it to you. The only place he can lay the blame. The ex is dead so you get to be punished. They say anger is a part of grief and since he can't say it to the no good father, you get elected. But, the verbal abuse sucks and I'm glad you stopped allowing it.

I've mentioned before that I went through this with my oldest son. One time I called him and he bluntly told me, "Leave me alone." So, I did. I cut off communications. He eventually went to a counselor and called me, apologizing. He couldn't make himself believe the male figure in his life was so rotten so I had to be the rotten one. His dad was and still is, a drunk and today, he doesn't have any kind of relationship with him but we're very close. It does work out with time.

Yeah, I laughed out loud at Unique too. I was the same. I actually did read a version of a condensed dictionary. The only problem though is that I have some sorta short term memory issue now and just barely remember that I ever learned to read, let alone what I've read and by whom! Oh well!

Ladies, that all sounds good about why my son is tripping. My family is just outdone with his behavior. That reinforces me though. I DO know that it is not just an illusion in my head that this man-child is telling the truth.

Many children throughout the years have wanted so badly to exchange with him the kind of family life he had. We were rich with love and tenderness and certainly education-oriented. When the kids visited, most of the time they cried when it was time to go. They would call or comeback excited as they'd apply what they learned at our home....my goodness. Why wont he remember those good ole' days?

I wont try to re-rearrange his memories although it was my sole purpose to make sure his life was filled good childhood memories.

In celebration of Black History Month:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part1/1narr5.html

Sugar as I stated earlier you did instill those good memories and eventually they will surface. Right now he is existing in a mode that never exhisted when his Father was alive, a fantasy life he may have wished for. Let him alone, if he talks you talk, if he doesn't contact you, let it alone until he does BUT when he does make sure he shows you the respect you have earned as his mother...He'll come around, you'll see.

Chatty, you sure did say leave it alone and it will work itself out. It's just that it feels too close to death or something to have a living child that I can't communicate with.

Far too many painful years have come and gone in my life. My children and our mutual love was the only thing, and I do mean the only thing, that has kept me going. Well, of course God. So many days, during my healing, I didn't think life was worth living but I knew that I couldnt protect them from a grave. I knew that no one could, or even would, love and tend to their needs the way their mommy would. Now this.

Now, when my daughter talks to him, I want to tell her that she shouldn't talk to such an evil person or that's not the boy that was raised with you and leave him be for now. This is especially since I found out that instead of splitting the insurance money with his sister, he went and gambled it. He loss too! I guess his own demons must be working with him. That was the night he said all of those mean things too. Hmmm. He was really displacing his anger.

I also found out that his grades were really good in college. What a smart idiot!

Sugaree, try focusing on your relationship with your daughter for now. Try not to let this period of time with your son rob you of the joy that's within your household.

You're absolutely right. I read this the other day and then called my daughter to ask if she wanted to do lunch and a movie. We didn't make the movies because we sat and chit-chatted too long. We both enjoyed that and only brought my son's name once and that was when we discussed the new little bundle of joy he gave us. We laughed about how much she looks like him and continued with our pleasant conversation.

I just picked her first car up for her last night. It was with her father's survival benefits and insurance money that she purchased the car with. I accidently made her cry cause I said to her, "See, your father bought you a car after all." He'd said that he'd buy her one before his death. She went to Michael's and bought a light frame to hang on her rearview mirror to put his driver's license in on one side and our family pic on the other. That was cute.

Anyhow, I could go on and on talking about my daughter. She is certainly a bright smile and a blessing in my life.

Dotsie, I wont deprive her anymore.

Oh Nancy, I didn't mean to make you cry. Sowee! At least I hope they were those joyful kinds of tears?? Yes?

Yeah, it is nice when your children call home with their issues. It helps you to know that your opinion is regarded as that of widsom.