Need advice for my son...

Hello,

A friend pointed me to this forum. She's said marvelous things so I figured I would give it a shot. You all seem very helpful.

My son got involved with a woman a several years back and ended up getting her pregnant. He did the honorable thing and stood by and became a father to the child (and he is a wonderful father might I add).

They've never been a good couple, and unfortunately over the years she has become lazy, whiney, and outright rude. Her parents have said the same thing to me, so it's not my "mother bear" getting the best of me. I think he sees it too, but what do I say? I don't want to get in the middle of his affairs, but at the same time not only is it affecting my son, but my grandson as well.

What makes me so angry is essentially he is a single parent. He works all day and then comes home to a messy house. She doesn't lift a finger and he ends up having to clean up after her because she won't do it and he doesn't want his son living in such disgusting conditions. She's too busy watching Oprah and other nonsense. And now that my grandson is in school full time, she has even more time on her hands to do nothing. Which is what ends up happening. I come over to visit my grandson after he gets out of school and it looks like a hurricane hit the place. And that's right after he gets out of school, so what has she done all day?

Sorry for the long post, I've just watched this for the last 6 years and I'm just so frustrated! I think he knows and I think he has a plan, but I want to know what how to approach him and not offend him.

Thank you all so much!

Hi Sherry...glad you stopped by. And your friend is right. This place is full of heart-filled ladies, who understand and have some good advice.

I once gave my DIL a book on the best tips on housekeeping, along with the comment that I have the same book, and it has become my bible. She thanked me; but my son held it against me.

If you have been watching this fiasco 6 years without commenting, then you know why. You probably know you are overstepping your boundaries if you say anything.

What you can do is have your grandson over at your place, which I'm sure is clean and inviting. Children actually love that, even if they aren't that way themselves. What may happen is that your grandson may tell his mother something like, "grandma's place is always cleaned up, I like to visit her".

That may carry more weight than anything else.

Welcome to BWS, Sherry.



As much as you would probably like to say something, you must try to hold back from saying anything. From what you wrote, I can only presume that she was previously in contrast to: "she has become lazy, whiney, and outright rude..." in which case one must treat the cause, not the symptoms.

WELCOME to our cyber home Sherry... It sounds like they are not married?? If they are or they aren't he needs to speak to her aout the situation asking if there is something wrong, and what can he do to help. If that doesn't work and it probably won't, he can file for custody of his son but he needs to document the conditions in the home. He can get a shark woman lawyer to help him get his son. This is if they're married, if not he can just leave with the child, if his names on the birth certificate as father. It's a bad situation that will only get worse if she is allowed to get away with this behavior. No matter whats happening in her overabundant life, theres no reason to neglect her child.

Sherry I have to agree with the others. As much as you dislike the way the home looks, it's really up to your son to discuss it with his lady. Truly all it will do it make hard feeling between all of you. Do indeed invite the grandson over lots and then you'll at least feel like you've contributed to a part of his life away from the home. Good luck and welcome to our home.

Holding our tongues is often the hardest thing to do.

If you son gets aggravated enough, he will come to you. Then all you can do is ask what you can do to help.

When the time comes, it's best to use "I statements."

"I understand that you're frustrated."

"I understand what you are talking about."

"I bet it's hard for you to come home to..."

Instead of:

"She's such a slob."

"She doesn't do anything."

"She's lazy."

While it's the truth in your mind, I think the communication will be better if you can support yout son without ripping her apart.

I would also invite your grandson to venture out with you.

Sherry sometimes the hardest thing is not to voice your opinion of one or the other in a domestic situation. My own son and DIL just separated and are living apart. I have held my tongue because I am mhoping they reconcile and if I was to trash one or the other then when they went bck together, BAM! I am the monster... I think Dots and others hit it on the head with theor counsel. Your sons situation is different from my sons but just as tricky...

Thank you so ladies. This is very valuable counsel. Inviting my grandson over more often is a good idea. I'll make sure to offer to pick him up from school more often. My son also just told me he made a new little friend that "he's dying to see every day" so maybe that will help the situation too.

Yes, I have sat by for what seems like an eternity. I don't know why, but for what ever reason it has become worse over time. She's never been a clean person, so to speak, but my goodness. It's become quite unbearable. Do you remember the 70's show Sanford and Son? That's what their home looks like. I know it's not my son because he used to get on my case to clean up the house, and his home was always so clean before she moved in, so the evidence is there. I see the look on my son's face when he watches her bring another thing into the house, and that look says it all.

I'm starting to wonder if it is just a matter of time before he acts. Hopefully that is sooner rather than later.

My apologies if I came off harsh, I needed to vent my frustrations. She really is a nice woman, but something has gone awry and I don't quite know what it is. Neither does my son.

Thank you all so much for your assistance!

Good idea to have grandson for fun activity more often at your place.

As for a clean house and being lazy, be reminded that there are couples with awfully messy homes, but good marriages and happy children...such 1 sister of mine and her hubby plus 3 children under 11 yrs. old. She and hubby have full-time jobs.

If we ourselves are fairly neat people, it's too tempting to impose our standard on others.

ANyway maybe even having the child with you for a short vacation, might ..one day...put the 2 parents alone to see reality or whatever. Their marital problems is truly theirs only.

Mom...don't say anything. If you do you'll pay for it later...it will backfire.

When your son comes home and cleans the place, isn't he enabling? If he's asking her to do her share and she's refusing then it sounds to me they need some cousneling.

I used to be very lazy when it came to housework when I was in my early 20's...but, as I got older I changed...now one can walk into my home and it's always presentable...may need dusting but my hubby would never be embarrased having someone walk through the door.

Good luck.

Hi Sherry,

Sorry for my previous blank post. I had written something and then realized I hadn't read your original post thoroughly.

I originally suggested it might be depression, but having read that her mother has said she's always been like this, has ruled that out.

However, it still could be a possibility if her behaviour has gotten worse over the years. Yes, your grandson is school age, now, but I would imagine post natal/post partum depression would continue if left undiagnosed and untreated. Do you see any signs that might indicate this?

Again, only a suggestion.

This is taken from a site: "Vibrant Nation" They have a wonderful book on line "The Silver Pearl" http://www.vibrantnation.com/the-silver-pearl/



The Silver Pearl
Section 5: Parenting Grown Children
A Parent's Prayer
The Silver Pearl's avatar Jimmy L. Smull, Ph.D. Carol Orsborn, Ph.D.Our friend Agnes lives next door to her daughter, her daughter’s husband and her two grandchildren. With our own children scattered across the country, we have to admit that we are sometimes jealous of how close they are. They go shopping together. They frequently dine at each other’s houses. The grandchildren drop in spontaneously day and night. But over a rare pot of tea, Agnes admitted to us that she isn’t so sure that closeness with one’s adult children is such a blessing.

"I wanted to live near Gwen and the kids. But somewhere along the line, I realized that a side-product of this level of intimacy is, simply put: I know too much about them. Between the four of them, not to mention my son and his family and my husband’s and my own issues, there’s always something wrong with someone, somewhere consuming me."

Agnes paused. When she spoke again, it was with a poignant tone.

"You know, when I think about my grandmother, Molly, she had a better handle on this than do I. You see, she had nine children and 25 grandchildren, and she couldn’t possibly invest the level of worrying into each one that I bring to the table. For her, it was enough to know that her children weren’t sick or in jail. Short of that, they had to fend for themselves. Perhaps it’s better that way."

Identifying with Agnes’s yearning for peace of mind, we recognize that between e-mail, phones and cheap airfare, our adult children don’t have to live next door for us to know just enough to be consumed with worry.

Who doesn’t wish we could protect our children and our children’s children all their lives? But life’s unknowns have a way of sometimes spinning circumstances out of our control. Even Agnes’s grandmother, Molly, made exceptions for her nine children and 25 grandchildren when a genuine crisis was at hand.

In the meanwhile, she was always ready to listen to them, cry with them and serve up a hot cup of soup. And one more thing, Agnes reports. "She prayed a lot."

Here is Molly’s favorite prayer.

Molly's Prayer

God, Here’s my family, and here are all our worries.
I’ve done what I can. Now, it’s your turn.

browser, I just reviewed another book of Carol's on our blog. And she's going to do a teleseminar with us soon. She's a lovely woman. I've met her a couple times at conferences.