How can I help my daughter?

Hello old friends. I haven't posted here for a very long time - I've had a lot happening in the last two years - but now I feel so helpless and I'm reaching out for your wisdom. First - sorry this is so long -
My daughter's life is in turmoil and I just don't know what to say or how to help. Everything I think to say seems so cliche and lame. J is 41 years old been married for 8 years and has two small children. They, like so many others are in a financial crises - to what extent I'm not certain - I don't think they are in jeopardy of losing their house yet - but they are having trouble paying their bills - they also have $2000 a month going out for childcare. But now, yesterday my daughter saw her husbands cell phone bill with over 4 hours of text messaging with the same person who happens to work next door to my SIL's business. Last night she got hold of his phone and read many of the messages which were not deleted and realize her husband is probably having an affair. Many of the messages were derrogatory comments about my daughter.
My daughter really is an extraordinary women. She's beautiful, capable, intelligent and talented in many many ways. She is a wonderful mother, daughter, sister and friend. But J is also a very Type A, intense person who is also prone to deep depression. She is expressing a lot of self-loathing and feelings of being a total failure I'm so worried about her and yes I'm worried about what she may do.
I was recently divorced, so I'm still trying to get settled into my new life and I don't have a lot of extra money on hand but I could come up with maybe $2,000 to help them out but should I? Most likely it would only be a bandaid and I'm not sure if I should put a strain on my own finances.
What do I say to her about her husbands relationship with his text messaging friend? I'm so angry at him!
The pressure of her job is really getting to her and she is thinking about looking for another job - Not sure if that's a great idea right now but then...?
I've urged her to seek counseling for both of them. I've let her know that I will always be here to listen and will help her in anyway that I can but what else can I say to her? What can I do without interfering?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or wisdom you can share. Again sorry this post is so long.

Bookie, what is more encouraging than a person who sees the best in you? This is what your daughter needs most from you. Not your money, dear you may need that for yourself!

Although I have no children, I was married and believe the husband's infedility (whether physical or emotional) is draining and she may want to confront him.

Child care is very expensive, I wonder if she could find something less expensive? For instance, there are many without jobs now that would appreciate an income. Perhaps she could find a woman willing to care for the children in their home and handle a few household chores for less?

p.s., keep the text messages and check into whether they can be saved if needed for legal purposes.

Hi, Bookie. I think you are doing now what needs to be done by listening. We are always vulnerable when it comes to our children. With mine, I never offer advice; I merely listen and maybe ask clarification questions. I think each of us has to make the decision based on what we know and the people involved. I have hurt for my kids when I couldn't help them, but I'm always here for them. It's tough, but talking against her husband could backfire on you if they patch things up later. She will always remember that you were against him and may resent you for it.

Keep us posted.

Hi Bookie, boy do I know what you are going through. And I know how heartbreaking it can be.

I had to learn over a period of time, that the best advice was no advice. And I love to give advice…that's why I'm here. If you give advice to your daughter, then only if she asks you for it. Till then sit tightly and just be there for her to vent to.

As for the money thing, I had to learn the hard way too. It's funny, but adult children may even resent you for giving them money. Oh yes, they will take it,…but they hate the situation, and they can be even bitchy about it. Whatever,…my kids know our home will always be their home. Just letting them know that, is sufficient and comforting for them. Maybe your daughter just wants to take a time out for a weekend at your place? You could offer that, if it is possible.

Bookie,
Mustang, Yonuh, and Ed3 have given great advice. The only thing I
can add is prayer. I've been through a period of depression; and
a nasty divorce; and other of life's up and downs. Parental
advice sometimes gets misconstrued. And, as those before me said, if your daughter patches it up with hubby, she may
resent whatever negatives escape your mouth. We'll pray your girl finds less expensive child care and that her husband comes to his senses. I never figured out why some guys don't appreciate what they have at home. So often, the wife far
excels in every area, above and beyond, the female scoundrel who lures the man away. I don't get it!

I agree it's best to not give advice. Also maybe save your money to help your daughter if she finds herself on her own down the road.
My ex cheated on me and my Mom tried to give advice but I resented it. I was still in denial and wanted to see the best in him. It often backfires too. It's best for adult children to talk to their friends or a counsellor not their Mom. It's also best for Mom's to not confide in their adult children about their marriage too.

As for the female scoundrel, why do people always blame the other woman. I didn't. The guy as you said tells this woman terrible things about your daughter. My ex told his affairs that I was crazy and on medication. It's the husbands that you should be angry with, they deserve the blame. The other woman should no better yes, but she is not the one breaking the marriage vows. Guys should keep it in their pants.

If he is a serial cheater it is best for her to be on her own. She may not think so now but it will be.

For now my only suggestion would be to encourage her to seek counselling and talk to her close friends especially someone who has been there. Your being there for moral support is all she needs from you.

Kate

Already Bookie, your daughter is under significant pressure. She needs space to work through her own thinking and coping strategies how to respond to her hubby's infedility.

She needs to you listen, offer financial help especially if she becomes a single mom.

You have my prayers...bless her heart...I know you're both in pain. I'm sorry to hear this. Hang in there.