Worst Joke Wednesday...

If fruit comes from fruit trees, where do chickens from?
Poul-trees.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks how much a shot of whiskey is?
Bartender said, "For you. No Charge."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent!

great jokes!

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh? (10 tickles)... tentacles.

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone? a fungi to be around!

Psychiatrist to patient: "You have nothing to worry about--
anyone who can pay my bills is certainly not a failure."

Ha Ha! Fun silliness for a snowy day here. I like 'em all. Thanks!!

Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
Because he felt crummy.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So brunettes can remember them.

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!

Ha ha! Good ones, Jabber! Thanks!

It may be Friday, but I've got a good joke for you, Jabber, and I hope you and everyone else enjoys it:


An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well,' said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her."

Guffaw....lol...'tis funnnnnnyyyyy...love it.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck!

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it...

Ha Ha!! Great jokes this week. Thanks !!

Here's a great joke I found on Facebook and wanted to share...
Car Won't Drive

I read this on Facebook,too, and laughed myself silly. What a nut-job.

Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".

How did the blone die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An investigator!

Q: Why are women like roads?
A: The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

Q: Why should you never argue with a fool?
A: Because they'll lower you to their level and then beat you
with experience.

Great jokes! I'll try to find some to reciprocate.

Q. What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
A. You look a little pail!

Q. What kind of horses go out after dusk?
A. Nightmares!

Q. Why do some people appear bright before they speak?
A. Light travels faster than sound.

Anne, You don't need to reciprocate. I just do this in an attempt to get people to forget their troubles for a couple seconds. That's all...!

Hey Jabber!

I like to share! How about this? It's a video from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. She has First Lady Michelle Obama on as her guest, and Michelle is explaining that at this year's White House Easter Egg Roll, there is going to be a dance segment, to promote her "Let's Move" initiative.

Here, we see Ellen and The First Lady showcasing the dance.

It's not a joke, but it is a "Fun Friday" opportunity.

Q. What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
A. Two points like everybody else.

Q. Where do skunks go to pray?
A. The Pew.

Q. Where do horses go shopping?
A. Old-neighvy.

I tried a couple of times but couldn't get the video to play.
Bet she had a choreographer show her some moves beforehand, however. Both Michelle and Barack are engagingly charismatic
people. And I enjoy seeing their public appearances.

Q. What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A. Look grandfather, no hands!

Q. Why are horses always so fit?
A. Because they're on a stable diet.

Q. What three words are guaranteed to humiliate men?
A. Hold my purse!

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Q. How do you make Holy water?
A. You boil the hell out of it.

Q. What makes a forum?
A. A two-um plus a two-um...

Ha Ha ! Thanks

Q. What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
A. "Shoe!"

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. Why do hummingbirds hum?
A. Because they don't know the words.

Good ones, Jabber!

Q. What did the ocean say to the beach?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What food did scientists discover diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A. Wedding cake.

Q. What should you give a man that has everything?
A. A woman to show him how everything works.

When a chauffeur buys a limo and twenty years pass without getting even one customer, what does he have to show fer it?

And here's an over excited spring gardener who wet his plants!

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is!

You've cleary found a wonderful source for great jokes, Jabber. Great ones, each week! Thanks!

Q. "If you had only one wish, what would it be?"
A. "I'd wish all my wishes would come true!"

Doctor: "Mrs. Smith, I have to tell you I don't like the looks of your husband."
Patient's wife: "Neither do I, but he's good to the children."

First Farmer: "I used to quit plowing for lunch every day at exactly eleven-thirty."
Second Farmer: "Did you have a wristwatch or a pocket watch?"
First Farmer: "Neither. The whistle at the sawmill blows every day at noon, and I would just quit a half-hour before I heard it."

When he found a six-year-old shoe-repair ticket in the pocket of an old suit, Brown called the shop to see if the shoes were still around.
"Were they black wingtips needing half soles?" asked a clerk.
"Yes," said Brown.
"We'll have them ready in a week."

Sign in store window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."

Once, a man with an alligator walked into a pub and asked the bartender, "Do you serve IRS agents here?"
"Sure do," the barkeep replied.
"Good, give me a beer," said the man. "And my gator'll have an IRS agent."

A vacationer telephoned a seaside hotel to ask where it was. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told.
"How will I recognize it?" asked the man. Back came the reply,
"It's the one with all the broekn windows."

You know it's time to get a new car when--
The traffic reporter on the radio begins to refer to you by name.
You make a left turn and your date falls out.
You lose the "stoplight challenge" to a 16-year-old on a moped.

What an automated soiety we live in. HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT WHEN A TRAFFIC SIGNAL TURNS GREEN, IT AUTOMATICALLY ACTIVATES THE HORN OF THE CAR BEHIND YOU?

Ha Ha! Those are some good ones, Jabber.

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.

"Excuse me," the man said to the woman, "but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much."
"I'm surprised myself," she replied. "He hated the book."

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Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.

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A woman lion tamer had the big cats under such control they took a lump of sugar from her lips on command. "Anyone can do that!" a skeptic yelled.
The ringmaster came over and asked, "Would you like to try it?"
"Sure," replied the man, "but first get those crazy lions out of there!"

Great jokes, as usual, Jabber! Thanks!

"My tax man is so considerate and compassionate," says Joey Adams. "He's the only accountant I know with a recovery room."

Q. What problem did they have with a wooden car that had a
wooden engine?
A. It wouldn't go.

The hyena that drank a pint of gravy was the laughingstock of the town.

Fun jokes as usual, Jabber!

If this writing thing doesn't work out, I can see myself being a window washer.

Q. Why is there no immediate running in a camp ground?
A. Because you have to pass tents!

Q. How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ten. But we'll accept eight.

Jabber, I don't get the first joke. Window washer vs. writer? I must be missing something...

The punch line is [you can see yourself washing windows] thy reflection in the window glass...writing is just background setup. Joke I heard on radio the guy used DJ as his job, of course. You can be doing anything, it wouldn't matter!

Sorry! I thought it was funny. Okay here's a better one.

A little boy said to his mommy: "I'm gonna draw a picture of a horse-drawn cart." The lad draws a horse.

Mommy said, "Where's the cart?"

Boy said, "The horse draws the cart."

Q. Why does the capital have so many one-way streets?
A. So that all the civil servants coming in late won't collide with those going home early.
_________________________________________________

CHIP AHOY

I bought the latest computer;
It came completely loaded.
It was guaranteed for 90 days,
But in 30 was outmoded!

_________________________________________________

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle.
Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
"I really can't remember," the snail replied "You see, it all happened so fast."

It's only Monday, but I just ran across this great cache of jokes courtesy of Carol Wyer, so I thought I'd share:

These are ALL "Amusing Things Women Want To Hear But Never Do." Hope they brighten your day:


Which one made you laugh so hard you choked on your coffee?

I love anything that makes me smile!

Here's one or two or three:

Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices," says Joey Adams. "Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels."

And then there's the shop-a-holic whose friend complimented her on her new car. "Oh, thanks," the woman replied. "I'm getting about 20 malls per gallon!"

Q. What the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can handle it?"
"No problem," the applicant replied. "If they don't behave, out they go!"

Q: What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?
A: A large fortune.

John, teaching his parrot to talk: "Repeat after me, "I can walk."
Parrot: "I can walk."
John: "I can talk."
Parrot: "I can talk."
John: "I can fly."
Parrot: "That's a lie."

Ha Ha! Thanks!!

Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

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God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."

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And did you hear about the bishop who hired a secretary who had worked for the Pentagon? She immediately changed his filing system to "Sacred" and "Top Sacred."

Love em! Thanks!!!

Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in, they had to pay the jockey time and a half?

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An excited woman called her husband at work. "I won the lottery!" she exclaimed. "Pack your clothes!"
"Great!" he replied. "Summer or winter clothes?"
"All of them--I want you out of the house by six!"

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, they named a drink after you!"
"Really?" replies the grasshopper. "There's a drink named Stan?"

Thanks, Jabber! Funny as usual. You have good sources.

"I was a very unpopular child," says comedian Rita Rudner. "I had only two friends. They were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.

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My Mary is so smart, she walked when she was eight months old," bragged one woman.
"You call that intelligent?" challenged her companion. "When my Cindy was that old, she let us carry her."

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A girl watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that?" she asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said the mother, who began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked the girl. "Giving up?"

Jabber, I love the way you brighten my day with these wonderful jokes. Thanks for continuing the effort!

Man to clerk in video store: "I'd like to exchange this
diet-and-workout tape for one on self-acceptance."

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"In New York City," notes comedian Jay Leno, "they're
handing out condoms to high-school students. Gee, I
thought it was a big day when I got my class ring!"

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At a party several young couples were discussing the
difficulties of family budgets. "I really don't want a
lot of money," said one yuppie. "I just wish we could
afford to live the way we're living now."

Good jokes as usual, I especially love the last one...

"What's your handicap these days?" one golfer asked another.
"I'm a scratch golfer....I write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad one."

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When the fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take chidren?" the man asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."

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A 70-year-old millionaire had just married a beautiful 20-year-old.
"You crafty old codger," said his friend. "How did you get such a lovely young wife?"
"Easy," the millionaire replied. "I told her I was 95."

Funny! Thanks, Jabber. I especially enjoyed this group.

A drunk guy gets on a bus, weaves his way toward the back of the bus and sits next to a nun.
Nun said, "You're going to hell for being in such awful condition."
Drunk said, "Oh No! I'm on the wrong bus."

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A farm kid, caring for her cow at the county fair, sees a fly enter the cow's ear and not come out. The next day that 4-H'er is milking the same cow. And sure enough. The fly comes out in the milk.

This proves, what...? In one ear and out the udder.

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Daddy is a road-worker. His son is sure daddy wouldn't steal from his job. But when the lad gets home, all the signs are there!

Husband to wife: "You're always nagging me about my golf. It's driving me mad."
Wife: "It wouldn't be a drive--just a short putt."

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Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to their childhood, they're already there!

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There's a new garlic diet around. You don't lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance!

Entertaining as usual,Jabber! Thanks for continuing to find us new jokes weekly!

Said a fisherman after removing a tiny fish from his hook and throwing it back into the water: "Don't show up around here anymore without your parents!"

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The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter,"
he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

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"What position does your brother play on the football team?"
Tom was asked.
"I'm not real sure," the boy replied, "but I think he's one of the drawbacks."

Good ones, I look forward to Wednesday just for your jokes, Jabber!

Sitting in a rowboat, the novice fisherman asked his companion, "Got any more of those little plastic floats?"
"Why?"
"This one keeps sinking."

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You can always spot an employee who's playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who gets a hole in one and says, "Oops!"

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Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his feet.

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Thanks, Jabber! Funny as usual, though I'm not sure I could ever manage to say "Ooops!" if I were ever to shoot a hold in one

I could because I've never played regular golf. Miniature.
Yes. Regular golf. No

"What's the matter with you, lad?"
"Typhoid fever, Sergeant."
"That illness either kills you or leaves you an idiot. I know because I've had it!"

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A lot of people complain about their dumb boss," says Joey Adams.
"What they don't realize is that they'd be out of a job if their dumb boss were any smarter."

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Van der Merwe was carrying a box when he met his friend. "Guess how many chickens I have in this box and I'll give you both of them," he said.

Ha ha !

Sorry. I was in a hurry!

Why sorry, Jabber? They were good funnies, and I enjoyed the new collection.

A bachelor, just turned 40, began feeling desperate.
"I went to a singles bar," he told a friend, "walked over
to this 20-year-old woman and asked,'Where have you been all my life?' She said, 'Teething.'"

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To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic
Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have some Guiseppe Spomdalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the proprietor."

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First man: "I can't think what to get my wife for Christmas. If I
give her something practical, I know she'll burst into tears.
Second man: "In that case, buy her some handkerchiefs."

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I love em all, Jabber, thanks!!

Did you hear about the beavers?
They're the best dam builders in the world!

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In memory of Yogi Berra...here's a favorite Yogi-ism...
[Never answer an anonymous letter!]

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After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep
in front of the TV and spent the night in the chair. In
the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up, dear," she said.
"It's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start. "In whose favor?"

"The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity,"
says Tommy Smothers. "Once you learn to fake that, there's nothing you can't do."
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Kevin: "My wife and I argue a lot. She's very touchy--the least little thing sets her off."
Christopher: "You're lucky. Mine is a self-starter."
---------------------------------------------------------------Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday?
He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

A grieving widow was discussing her late husband with a friend. "My Albert was such a good man, and I miss him so. He provided well for me with that fifty-thousand-dollar insurance policy--but I would give a thousand of it just to have him back."

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"These yuppies are really getting to me," a man complained to his friend. "Have you seen the new funeral home in New York? It's called 'Death 'n' Things."

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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

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"I'm really worried about my dog," Ralph said to the vet. "I dropped some coins on the floor and before I could pick them up, he ate them." The vet advised Ralph to leave his dog at the vet's office overnight.
The next morning, Ralph called to see how his pet was doing. The vet replied, "No change yet."
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Q: How did Moses make his coffee?
A: He brewed it!

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get
soap in your mouth, then it's just a soap opera!

Love 'em! Thanks!

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

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Overheard: "The police in this town have a very tough sobriety test. Not only do they make you blow up a balloon, but then you have to twist it into a giraffe."

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"Basketball sure is an amazing game," said one fan to another.
"They pay a guy $500,000 a year to shoot the ball, and then they call it a free throw."

Wonderful, Jabber, thanks!!

Q. Who is NOT hungry at Thanksgiving?
A. The Turkey. He's already stuffed!

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Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. Because he has the drumsticks!

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Sign on company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."

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George Burns punctuated this story with a flick of his cigar. "A woman said to me, 'Is it true that you still go out with young girls?' I said yes, it's true. She said, 'Is it true that you still smoke 15 to 20 cigars a day?' I said yes, it's true. She said, 'Is it true that you still take a few drinks every day?' I said yes, it's true.
"She said, 'What does your doctor say?' I said, 'He's dead.'"
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Heard at a bus stop:
"Hello, Lily, how are you? What have you done to your hair? It looks like a wig."
"Yes, it is a wig."
"Really, how wonderful! It looks just like real hair."

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Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It's called On & On Anon.

Thanks, Jabber, the wig story is so believable!

Q. Where does the snowman hide his money?
A. In the snow bank.

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Q. What is a parent's favorite Christmas song?
A. Silent night.

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Q. Why do mummies like the holidays?
A. Because of all the wrappings.

More good jokes, Jabber. thanks!

Q. What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A. Saint Nickel-less.

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Q. What nationality is Santa?
A. North-polish.

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Q. What does Santa bring bad boys and girls?
A. A bag of batteries with a note saying, "Toys Are not included!"

One week until Santa comes, so thanks for the Santa jokes, Jabber!

The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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Q. What do get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frost-bite!

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Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF esteem!

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Thanks, Jabber! I look forward to your Wednesday jokes, and these are fun - as well as seasonal.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

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An optimist stays up until midnight to see da New Year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure da old year leaves!

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On New Year's Eve Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death!

Ha ha - love em, especially the last one, Jabber!

His New Year's resolution is to not shovel snow this winter. Since he'll be in Florida, he feels pretty good about keeping this decision this year.
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The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made New Year's resolution to tone up. It's like sardines in those gatherings. Big sardines. But they're all gone by February!

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This New Year's she resolved to lead a better life. Now all she has to do is find someone who'll trade lives with her!

Did you know? It is impossible to lick your elbow?
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A form of sanitation in New York City was maintained in the 1840's that included the use of thousands of pigs, which roamed the street and ate all the garbage.
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It is reported that among the items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of Mad Magazine. Al Qaeda members admit bin Laden had been an avid reader.

RE: Mad Magazine - there are so many jokes one could make about this. But of course, there wouldn't have been any "girlie" magazines left behind. I think those are not allowed by Allah...

Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity, that's who.
Don't be silly. Opportunity doesn't knock twice!
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That dude on a whiskey diet.
He's lost three days already!
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Asked a doctor the other day, "Have you got anything for wind?"
He then gave me a kite!

Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away!

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

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Teacher: "Kinds, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat."
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Q: What two words in the English language have all five vowels in
order?
A: abstemious and facetious...

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Fact is, it was all so different before everything changed!

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Q: What is the definition of a fool?
A: A 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work!

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist. 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you.' Johnny added. 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
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Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
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Q: What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!

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Q: What do you call a mischievous egg?
A: A practical yolker!

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Q: What do you call a sleepy Easter egg?
A: Egg-zosted!

"I hear your aunt had eleven children."
"She sure did."
"Why didn't she go ahead and have an even dozen?"
"She figured it might interfere with her career."
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"I heard she made a fortune from a story she made up."
"Who'd she sell it to?"
"A jury."
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"Didn't you say your son was a professional author?"
"No, not quite. I said, every time he writes a letter, it's for money."

"Last time I went to vote, a fella pulled a gun on me and asked if I was going to vote Republican or Democrat."
"What did you tell him?"
"After I thought about it, I told him to go ahead and shoot."
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The trouble with politicians is 90 percent of them are giving the other 10 percent a bad name.
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Congressman to Young Lady: Which party are you affiliated with?
Young Lady: I can't tell you. The party I'm affiliated with isn't divorced yet!

Good job, Jabber! I love the first one!

"Hello, is this Fred?"
"Yes, this is Fred."
"Are you sure? It doesn't sound like Fred."
"Yes, I'm absolutely sure. This is Fred."
"Fred, this is Charlie. Will you loan me fifty dollars 'til the end of the month?"
"I'll tell Fred you called just as soon as he comes in."
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"Sir, your daughter is going to marry me."
"It's your own fault for hanging around here so much."
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"What would you like to do today?"
"I'm not sure. Let's think..."
"No, let's do something you can do, too."

Woo hoo! Thanks for the chuckles, Jabber!

It was so cold today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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"I hear Susan is a twin."
"That's right."
"How do people know which is which?"
"Her brother has a mustache."
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"My cousin in New York City finally stopped complaining about finding a parking place."
"What happened?"
"He bought a parked car."

Love your jokes, Jabber!

And it WAS cold here this morning. In the 40s outside and 65 in the house. I ended up turning on the heat! That is SO WRONG!

"She says, with her new haircut, she doesn't look like an old lady anymore."
"She's right. She looks like an old man."
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Are you wearing a new hairstyle, or are we having an electrical storm?
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Somebody tell me why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight!

She thinks good manners is putting cream in your coffee before you pour it in your saucer.
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"I hear your wife's got you on a strict exercise program. Do you feel like a new man?"
"I sure do. The old one wasn't so sore!"
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"Hey!" the foreman shouted. "Why aren't you working?"
"Because I didn't see you coming!"
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That hen lays eggs so big, it only takes eight of them to make a dozen.

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"What did your parents want you to do when you grew up?"
"Leave home."

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"How many employees work in your factory?"
"Oh, I'd say about half of them."

"Four years ago, my cousin ran for state senator."
"What's he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
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"I know everything it takes to be a good politician."
"Liar."
"That's one of 'em."
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In a recent poll, 78 percent of those polled said they disliked being polled.
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I grew up on the tenth floor of a high rise apartment building. Mom used to send me and my brother out on the balcony to play Frisbees.
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"My new boyfriend is a truck farmer."
"Don't be silly. Trucks come from factories."
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She: "Do you win at gambling?"
He: "Oh, you know how it is...I win one day, lose the next."
She: "Gee, why don't you gamble every other day?"

Judge to Litigant: "You say this fellow drove through your fence, knocked down your mailbox, smashed your plastic lawn flamingos, bounced off your porch, and ran into the pickup truck in your yard?"

Litigant: "That's right, your honor."

Judge: "Are you suing for damages?"

Litigant: "Shoot, no! I got enough damages! I'm suing for repairs."

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"That last batch o' moonshine you made was too strong."
"Couldn't you drink it?"
"Oh, I finally drank it. But now, every time I sneeze, I burn holes in the curtains."

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She's had so many divorces, she's spent more time in court than Perry Mason.

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"I used to hunt grizzly bears with a club."
"I don't believe that."
"Why not?"
"Because it's too dangerous, hunting grizzly bears with a club."
"Well, I don't do it anymore, anyway."
"Why not?"
"The membership fees got too high."
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Father to Daughter: "It's a good thing you chose to take accounting at school."
Daughter: "How come?"
Father: "Because I want you to account for coming home at five A.M."
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"How many brothers and sisters do you have?"
"Three."
"Are you the oldest in your family?"
"No, sill. Daddy is!"

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A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of tickets in the state lottery. But after he won the big prize, he didn't seem happy. "What's wrong?" the friend asked. "You just became a millionaire!"
"I know," he groaned. "But I can't imagine why I bought that second ticket!"
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Selling at an action was halted when the auctioneer announced, "Someone in the room has just lost his wallet containing $1,000.
He is offering a reward of $250. for its immediate return." After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, "$255."
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"Was Grandpa mad when they went through his luggage at the border?"
"Not in the least. They found his glasses that he'd lost two weeks earlier."

Women can keep a secret every bit as well as men. It just takes more of them to do it.
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A toast: May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
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First Drunk: "Is that sun setting or is it rising?"
Second Drunk: "I don't know. I don't even live around here."
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And did you hear about the lawyer who didn't like what the restaurant offered and asked for a change of menu?
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Patient: "This hospital is no good. They treat us like dogs."
Orderly: "Mr. Jones,you know that's not true. Now, roll over."
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"I've finally found a way to get money out of my husband," a
woman told her friend. "We were arguing last night, and I told him I was going home to Mother. He gave me the fare."

Funny as usual, Jabber. Thanks for curating this new crop of jokes.

Patient to Psychiatrist: "Doc, every night I dream about teepees and wigwams. Teepees over here, wigwams over there. What's it mean?
Psychiatrist: It means you're too tense.
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"Why do you seem so upset?"
"My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."
"So what?"
"So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about.'"
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An optimist is a fellow who goes shopping for a suit to be buried in and gets one with two pairs of pants.
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Great jokes as usual, Jabber. I like the "two tents" one best, I think. But what's the difference between a teepee and a wigwam?

Wigwam has a dome shape. Teepee has a cone shape.

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"You ever get stage fright?"
"Not afraid of the stage, personally.
It's the audience that scares me!"

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Have an uncle hurt while shopping.
Dumpster lid fell on him!
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Got a brother who's a self-made man.
If he had it all to do over again,
he'd call in outside help!

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ha ha, good stuff again, Jabber!

"What are you so happy about?" a woman asked the
98-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know," he said, beaming. "Isn't it wonderful?"
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"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like
your new job?
"It's the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"Why don't you quit?"
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that
I've looked forward to going home."
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The disgruntled diner summoned his waiter to the table,
complaining, "My oyster stew doesn't have any oysters in it."
"Well, if that bothers you, then you better skip dessert,"
replied the waiter. "It's angel food cake."
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Definition of a jury: 12 people brought together
to decide which side has the best lawyer.
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"I want a room for me and my billygoat."
"Billygoat?" You can't bring a goat in here.
What about the smell?"
"Don't worry. He'll get used to it."
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"I'd like a very special greeting card, expressing
my deepest love, affection, loyalty, and
sincere feelings for a very special young woman."
"How about this one?"
"That's good enough. Gimme a dozen."
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"The trouble with you is, you're always wishing for something you don't have."
"What else is there to wish for?"
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"Nowadays, a woman can be anything she wants."
"Guess none of 'em want to be an uncle."
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"Hey waiter, these grits are too runny."
"Those are your mashed potatoes."
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"Why wasn't Rome built in a day?"
"Because it was a government job."
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An American couple visiting in a German village
stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs.
The woman sneezed.
"Gesundheit!" said the clerk.
"Charles," said the American woman to her husband,
"we're in luck. There's somebody here who speaks English."
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Hollywood is the land of make-believe. Actors
pretend they're someone else, and when the movie's
finished, the producers make believe it's good.
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"The inventor of pantyhose really left us quite a legacy."
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He labored so hard he worked his fingers to the bonus.

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I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder t do that for me.

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"Installing a new bathroom fan is exhausting!"

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Alright!! Fabulous jokes again as always. Thanks Jabber!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

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Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roamin' Catholic.

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Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom---I'll show you how."

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Man to friend: "I figured out why the Postal Service raised the postage rates. The extra four cents is for storage."

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Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
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Great jokes, Jabber! Love 'em all!

A fellow went to a bar and ordered a drink. He gulped it down and, to the amazement of the bartender, also ate the goblet, except for the stem. He ordered another, swallowed the drink, and again ate the goblet, leaving the stem. The bartender then explained the man's strange behavior to a psychiatrist, and asked whether doc thought the man was eccentric. "He must be," the shrink replied. "The stem's the best part."
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Overheard at the track: "Horse racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money good-bye."

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A hunting party was hopelessly lost. "I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!" one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.
"I am," replied the guide. "But I think we're in Canada now."

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?
A. Fangsgiving!
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Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of street?
A. Dead ends!
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Q. What do you call a goblin too close to a bonfire?
A. A toasty ghosty!
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Ha Ha! Thanks for the seasonal jokes, Jabber! I think the "Fangsgiving" one is my favorite of this bunch!!

LOL!!! "We're not in Kansas anymore..."

Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the boos.
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Q: Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A: He was all bite and no bark.
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Q: Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat?
A: Because of the coffin.

an in this election season, we need all the jocularity we can get! Thanks for a new set of seasonal jokes, Jabber!

I'm going to change my Facebook name to "Benefits." Now, when
someone befriends me on Facebook, it will say: You are now friends with Benefits.
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Don't condemn nudists - they were born like this.

------------------------------------------------
Here. Take my advice!
I don't use it anyway!

Laughing my head off, Jabber! These are some of your best jokes yet. I LOVE the "friends with benefits" one! The other two are great as well!

Best!

Anne

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate!

Fun jokes, Jabber! And worth their weight in gold on this day after US Election Day. N o matter who we voted for, I am sure we are all game for a good laugh.

Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: He just flipped.
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Q: What kind of music does candy listen to?
A: Lolli-Pop
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Q: Why did the pecans run across the busy road?
A: Because they were nuts!
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good joke, as usual, Jabber. Love your new signature line.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks.
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Q: Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey because it is always stuffed.
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Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
A: Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

Q: How do snowmen get around?
A: On their icicles.
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Q: When is a boat like a pile of snow?
A: When it's adrift.
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Q: What did the reindeer say before
launching into his comedy routine?
A: This will sleigh you!
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Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit
gets all the credit.
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Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.
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Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: RUDEolph!

Superb jokes this week, Jabber! THANKS!!!

Q: The children's favorite Christmas King, is?
A: A stocking.
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Q: What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A: A lost clause.
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Q: What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A: A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included."
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