The Corniest Ever

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

"Robin...get in the car."

JJ!!! Save meeeeeeeeeee...

Lola,
That's about as funny as that commercial where the food is
slapping the person eating it. And then the announcer says,
"If your food is fighting you...etc." Actually, I thought
Batman was cute!

LOL! Here's another.

What do you call a man hanging on the wall? Art.

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He asked “How flexible are you?” I replied, “I can’t come on Tuesdays”.

Anno, Uzzzzzz a nut!

Here's 1! Q: "Why did the Easter egg hide?"
A: It was a little chicken!

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a bar. The man spun his dog and said: "Just looking around."

A woman and her banjo walked into a bar. Her name was Susanna.

Grrrrrrrrrroaaaan all you want. I'm far, faaaaaaar away!!!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

A man wrote ten pun jokes and entered them in a contest. He was absolutely confident he'd win at least with one. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Go on...roll your eyes...I can't seeeee you!!!

What goes zub, zub, zub?


A bee flying backwards, of course!

I am lovin this.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

What is the speed of dark?

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Giraffiti: Highly spray-painted vandalism

Why is'nt it wise to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetas.

Okay, I go away for a few hours and this place goes to the dogs. What are you broads thinking? You offer up these ah...these...ah...hey, why didn't anybody call me?

So...here's one.

What does the ocean say to the beach? Nothing...it just waves

"Doctor, the Invisible Man is here for his checkup"

"Tell him I can't see him right now."

Who is the father of all corny jokes?

POPCORN

Do you know about Ghandi? He took a vow of poverty, went barefoot everywhere, ate very little and as a result, was thin and had dental disease.

He was a super fragile, calloused mystic, hexed with halitosis

(Don’t get it? Say the last part out loud. To the tune from Mary Poppins.)

Have you heard about the Buddhist who wouldn’t take novocain? He wanted to trancend dental medication.

Enough?

If I didn't know better, I'd say we've all been drinkin' a
little too much tequila!

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Jabber, who says you know any better?

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

Never enough Jaw Jaw!

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders.

"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions
and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the
bar and called to the bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light."

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! thirteen! thirteen!!"

Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting,"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwhahahahahaha!

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can
you tell which one is the prostitute???
*
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*
*
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*
*
It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.


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How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

I am on spring break and Dennis is with his PCA working out. What can I say, but I have too much time on my hands and I am loving this!

Teacher: What's the chemical formula for water?
Sam: "HIJKLMNO".

Teacher: What?!

Sam: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Love the IDAHO, Cookie!

What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
----It's in Kings, where it says David sat on the throne for forty years.

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
-----When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

The ark was built three stories high and the top story had a window to let light in. But, how did they get light to the bottom two stories?
-----They used floodlights.

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
-----They raised Cain.

One of the richest men in the Bible? Noah. He floated stock while everyone was in liquidation.

First ever recorded commercial in the Bible? "Habakkuk"

What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Ruthless.

Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua, son of Nun.

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: "But, I only have one mouse."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the open desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Last night I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings… I was Tolkien in my sleep.

What would you get if you crossed an idiot with the god of love? A stupid Cupid!

A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back."
The doctor said, "It's old age."
The woman said, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The Monkey and a Hyena were the best of friends. One day, when the two were walking through the jungle, the Hyena was attacked by a vicious Lion. The Monkey escaped up a nearby tree and watched his friend the Hyena being mauled and ripped to bits.

Once the fight was over, the Hyena was only just alive and turned to the Monkey and said. "Why didn't you come and help me?"

The Monkey replied, "The way you were laughing I thought you were winning so I didn't bother."

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Reasons the English language is so hard to learn:

* The bandage was wound around the wound...
* The farm is used to produce produce...
* The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse...
* We must polish up on our Polish...
* The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert...
* Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present...
* He could lead if he would get the lead out...
* A bass was painted on the bass drum...
* When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes...
* The insurance was invalid for the invalid...
* I did not object to the object...
* There was a row among the oarswmen about how to row...
* After seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear...

Plus there is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.

I have a million of these brain teasers...

So something like why do we park in the driveway and drive on a parkway??

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.







It was a different elephant.
BA-DA-BING!!!

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Lola, I love the dyslexic man walking into a bra. I'm laughing out loud here. Thanks!

Here's another one:

All dyslexics untie.

A gal I worked with had that on her screen saver. She and one of her children were both dyslexic.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

These jokes made my day! Loved 'em!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office
and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

It's fun looking for them too!.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast."

Myth: a female moth. BA-DA-BING?

You're welcome, Dotsie!

oops, Yonuh. I repeated your joke. I must have really loved it!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a little boogie into it!
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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?

A: A walkie-talkie!
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Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his left side?

A: He's ALL RIGHT now!
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Said Hamlet to Ophelia:

"I'll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?"

Did Shakespeare stare at the Queen? No...it was more of a Lear.

Are your relatives in business?'
'Yes - in the iron and steel business'
'Oh, indeed?'

'Yes - my mother irons and my father steals'

Did you hear about the boat full of burgundy paint that crashed into a deserted island?

The crew was completely marooned!

I am loving this corny thread!!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

"Error: No Keyboard. Press Esc."

He crossed the Sahara with a flask labeled: "Powdered H2O".

What does a cow say when walking backwards? Oom!

What do you get when a cow falls down? Ground beef.

What did the cow say when she woke up? It's just an udder day!

Where do cows buy their clothes? From cattlelogues.

How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk & quackers.

What's a cow's favorite TV show? Steer Trek.

Why would steers make good golfers? They spend a lot of time on the range!

Duck walks into a tavern, hops up on the barstool and says to the 'keep, "I need a ham sandwich and a pint."
The 'keep replies, "You can talk!"
The duck answers, "I see your ears work, how about some lunch?"
The barman is still dumbfounded. "You're a duck!"
The duck shrugs. "I see your eyes work too - but not your hands or your feet. How about my order?"
The barman fetches him a sandwich from the kitchen and draws him a pint. He brings it over and sets it on the counter in front of the duck who proceeds to eat his lunch. The barman still doesn't know what to make of it though and says, "You know, I don't think I have ever seen you around here before."
"That is because I'm not from around here.", the duck replies. "I am working a job across the street and am just in for lunch. The sandwich was good though." he says draining his pint, "I will be back I think."
Sure enough, for the next week the duck is in every day for lunch.

The circus comes to town. Being a small town after they pitch tent the carnival folks fill the tavern. Overhearing them talk the barman asks if the Ringmaster is around, pulls him aside and confides, "Would you be interested if I told you I know of a talking duck?"
The man thinks a minute and answers, "That is an act I have never seen. I would be willing to pay a lot of money for that act to join my troupe. I will be in town just for tomorrow but if they are interested tell them to come down and see me."
The next morning passes anxiously for the barman but sure enough the duck comes in for lunch. He has his pint and sandwich waiting. The barman cannot wait to tell him, "I think I have found you another job if you are interested. It is supposed to pay very well."
The duck sits down. "Really? I am almost finished across the street and am always looking for the next bit of work. Where's it at?"
"At the circus." the barman answers, "They will pay you very well!", he adds quickly as the duck sets down his sandwich and gives him the eye.
"The circus?"
"Yes, the circus"
"The place with the animals and the ring?"
"Yes, the circus."
"The place with the big tent with a hole in the middle?"
"Yes, the circus!"

"The duck sits and thinks for what seems forever and then says,"What in the hell do they want with a Plasterer?!?!"

Badum-bum.