Friendship diminished?

My best friend is so distant from me now than she was six years ago. The reason? A guy.

I met my best friend when we both worked at Internal Revenue Service back in 1982. She is the Godmother of both my children.

Back six years ago she began dating an unemployed guy who was 38. At the time she was 53. She brought him to our home for us to meet him. He seemed okay. He didn't have her level of class and education but I did understand her "need" at the time.

The next day we went shopping and she started telling me how she buys him expensive things and even lets him use her nice car to go to a part time job that he recently got. Her once spotlessly clean car looked trashed. His daughters even handed her a list of expensive items they wanted for Christmas. She lent this guys brother money to buy a leather vest. He never repaid her and even joked about his "gift." Ladies I could go on and on.

The kicker came when she said she wanted to bring him and his one daughter to our annual Christmas dinner in our home. I politely and tactfully told her why I didn't want him to come. This man is a user!!! I also told her that politely and she agreed. However, after I told her not to bring him and his daughter to my party I never heard from her again! She never answers her phone and I only got one or two responses to cards I sent her. She doesn't live close by.

When my husband had his stroke I contacted her to let her know. She did retire from I.R.S. about four years ago but now has a job elsewhere. She keeps busy and I understand why. I'm really sorry that a worthless (in my opinion) man came between us. While she readily agrees with that it didn't help to make us become closer again.

At the end of our day shopping together six years ago all I told her was to "trust your instincts on this man." The was the last time I saw her.

She stopped dating him years ago.

[ December 03, 2005, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Ladybug,

I sure am sorry about your friendship, I'm certain she feels embarrased for having not listened to your advise. This, too, contributed to the distancing and perhaps she does not know how to repair the past. No one likes being taken advantage of, and her feelings for this man obviously blinded her ability to see him for who he really is/was: a user.

My ex-husband was a user, and it took a long time to rebuild (although still diminished) relationship w/ some members of my family that I chose to rekindle the severed relationship with. Also, I did loose friends along the way. Yet, later learned that if those friends chose to keep their distance, even after I apologized and began to change for the better, then they did not need my attention nor time.

MustangGal,

She did admit (on the phone later) that I was right about him. She keeps telling me she wants to get together but then admits she's "so busy, with no time for herself." So, I must let her be, until she feels more comfortable. I always felt good knowing we'd be friends into old age and I hope that can still be true. It's always sad to lose a friend but maybe if they were true friends they wouldn't behave this way at all. We can only try so much and when nothing happens it's time to concede.
Thank you for adding a comment. You sound like a pretty nice lady to me. Your friends are fortunate to have you.