Feeling suffocated..non-exploratory people

I'm probably arrogant..and just coming across as just darn cold..

as I get older, I have less and less patience with people around my age and abit older, who just don't want to explore their world...either read /learn different points of view, try courses/activities or travel abit.

I guess I figure because I'm closest in maturation/life experience to those only a few older years than me, that I take license to be less forgiving than someone several decades older than me.

I realize some women have responsibilities,..maybe needy adult children, young grandchildren, a hubby who refuses to cook...whatever...or they just want to nice cocooned world with same old routine everyday at the same time, etc.

As a result, I tend to avoid such people. I feel as if I'm suffocating. For instance, I have such an employee who took the big step of divorce and a program of college training to get her a job. Just the other day, I suggested maybe she and her sister could visit some of the beautiful places in our province. She only viewed travelling as seeing relatives. She has no interest. Same person who lives in suburbs but considers driving 30 kms. in the metropolitan part of our city (area where I live), a big adventure which she rather only engage 2-3 times annually. She gets upset by spicy food and on and on. It's difficult for me to hear the latter several times each month. SHe has 2 adult sons, who sound like great young men and I have praised that accordingly. She is my age...

I could never feel close to woman like her.. Even my busy married sisters with young and adult children, were never like that at no point in their lives. Thank goodness..

I consider the women in this forum not in the category of being non-exploratory. You have an effort..to participate and stay in this forum!

Orchid, I don’t understand people who don’t have a natural curiosity about their environment either. My DIL is an example. But now that I know her better, I have tried to see her life from her perspective.

Family and friends are her life. Their apartment is always full of people music and food. There is a lot of laughter, conversation, and a feeling of togetherness. This is where she invests her time and her money. Her friends and family all travel. But all love coming to her because she is an avid listener and enjoys looking at the photographs. She says there is no need for her to go anywhere, she sees it all through the eyes of her friends.

I suppose there are other reasons too, but this is just an example. What I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t make a person a bad person if they aren’t interested in travelling or taking courses. Whatever works for them and makes them happy is all right.

Life is one big tossed salad. Some people are like the big slices of tomatoes, they just lie there and let themselves get spiced by zesty little herb like people;…but we need those tomatoes as well!

Orchid
I say this gently.
You list non activity along side other traits.
For me.. non activity is a state I am advised to do.For some one who danced played sport ran and cycled this is emotionally painful.It has to be bourne.I have erosive arthitis.and any activity beyond my theshold is wrong for me.To look at I am not much changed.I wear hand splints to keep my hands supported type as much as possible..to save handwriting strain.I pace my housework.My feet mirror my hands so I limit where I go.I still go every where I did but from experience know the outcome.
Erosive arthitis is a post menopausal strain.It was until 1956 viewed as rhemetoid arthritis.The the discovery that "handling the sites of the condition sensibly" was long term beneficial.My hands will have to feed wash and dress me into old age and my specialist made things clear to me.

One day when I had a flare up a locum GP telephoned my specialist urgently..all I had done extra was clean my kitchen cupboards.This I do now one shelf at a time.I have learned as I go along and know one day this situtaion will pass.
I save some of my energy for my greenhouse..would even pay for a cleaner to have this in my life.Growing flowers and salad treats my soul.
Adjusting to change comes in differnet guises.Perhaps people have situations they cope with in their individual way.
I loved when I was full of health and energy but wont let my life change limit my happiness.
My world wide interest and curiosity are heightened.Travel shows documentries and good books likewise.The sky the clouds sunsets .
Non activity is not chosen I did not ask it in.
Mountain ash

Orchid, you would then know that everyone is different and happy in their own way. Some women love being homemakers and sharing with their families. If that's where they are at any one time of their life, so be it. It can be very fulfilling and rewarding. When not away at work, I'm content at home doing my gardening and caring for my home. I read, write and do what soothes my soul while giving to family and others. People are at different points in their life no matter what their age. If one must travel and take classes to explore....well, that is not the way for many and it's okay.

Interesting perspectives which is what I love about this place.

The only time people like this irritate me is when they complain about their lives and never do anything to make changes. Over and over, the same complaints.

Hey Mountain Ash: In no way did my comments include those limited temporarily or permanently by a "disbility". Do you mind that term for your current situation? After all, one of my married sisters with young children (at that time) had a significant shoulder muscle problem that lasted over 1 yr. before she healed herself with yoga. She could not lift her baby from the crib.. I never considered her even then, disinterested about the world around her..beyond her family and neighbourhood.

I guess the women who I maintain close friendships are actively interested in the world beyond their familiar family and neighbourhood.

I know my mother has imposed her own little world around her..and doesn't want know alot more. It's her adult children that push her to learn more ..via what we do differently etc.....that gets her draggged into reality of changing world beyond her safe, tight little world. But she is alot older than I.

True Dotsie, people who complain for years..and don't do anything to help themselves change for something positive.

When I was younger, I felt more suffocated because I was a non-stop source of energy and those who stood still required more patience that I had.

Now with age I'm more equanimous. I realize that some people will never move very fast or very far, whether mentally, physically or spiritually, and I just accept them for who they are.

But people whom I perceive as stuck and unwilling to move, I don't spend much time with.

Well actually I believe, to each her own...What works for one may not work for another. No one wants a disability but they happen and change our lives. I try to see the good in each persons dilema or style, even the cronic complainer, them I just ignore after I've finally had enough...too depressing to be around.

I have always loved exploring and I used to be surprised when people did not feel the same. It never occured to me that a person wouldn't want to see other ways of life.

I have known people who live in a metro suburb and have never been to the city. That amazes me.

I suppose it's all in what makes you happy and comfortable. I am happy with my choice to see the world and others are happy at home. C'est le Vie!

The sad thing is that those who are stuck, depressing, disinterested, etc, probably need us the most.

I hate being around a complainer who, like Dotsie says, complains but doesn't do anything to change what they're complaining about. That gets old and boring.

Oh I feel the same. It actually is exhausting to try to be with such a person. You know they're all hot air and never have any intention to solve their dilemmas!

Reading thru this thread again..thinking..whoa..this is me now!!! But then I started wondering if I really know someone who is truely not exploratory, suffocating? I don´t think I do because when I scratch beneathe the surface..even those with "smaller lives" seem to explore something within their "own radius"..which I sometimes don´t perceive just because it is perhaps quite small..according to me. But then I find that within their "little world" they find things and see things that I have never seen..

hmm..Orchid..this is an interesting thread..sometimes doing nothing can be something..maybe??? We all have different definitions of things...or am I totally off the wall??

I remember talking to a man who had moved with his family across the street..and he felt he had made such a big move..I was kinda speechless because I had fled from the Czech Rep. with my family as a baby and then moved from the US to Sweden after I got married. But that was his world..and looking back..he did alot of pottering around in his world..that I have never done..hmm..interesting, Orchid. And this man had family ties that were strong and near..mine are all over the place and not always so pleasant..and this includes my mom..unfortunately..

Hmm..Orchid..interesting thoughts, dear lady..thank you!!!

No, the man and his family and I were never close friends..but I enjoyed watching his family grow up..

As frustrating as it can be at times, we can never really know what's going on in the minds, hearts and lives of other people. There are so many things that can paralyze a person or shrink their world...physical disability, mental disability, fear, family obligation, financial constraints, and, well, just plain simple personal preference. It's not always as simple as just looking at someone's choices and deciding whether they're right or wrong - they would be the wrong choices for you or for me, but they're not necessarily the wrong choices for another person.

I've been on this site for about three years now. I've done far more than my fair share of complaining, and of standing still, unable to change or move out of the fog for long stretches of time. I know it, but I also know that it comes out of a place where the pain and agony of loss has at times been so excruciating that it effectively crippled me and at times completely debilitated me.

When I first arrived here, fear, anxiety, depression and grief were keeping me locked in my own home, desperately lonely, but terrified to even step out my front door to check my mailbox. If you (a collective you) had met me in person back then, you could not have seen any of that - I looked the picture of health, and so you would have probably shaken your heads and perhaps labeled me a variety of sad ways and walked away. But nobody here ever judged me, you all welcomed me in with such warmth and care, and you listened and prayed with me, until eventually your love and patience and wisdom helped me to venture out on my own.

Some people simply take longer - and need more help - to rise above the floodwaters that life (and death) can throw at them...that in itself can be enough of a journey to last a lifetime.

I still struggle, and because of that I know that others do too, and that we can never know all that's contributing to another person's choices. I've learned to acknowledge and appreciate the value and beauty of all journeying, whether it be an exhilarating walk along a rugged coastline, or an exploratory trek through one's own heart.

This is an interesting thread. I am glad Orchid started it. You know we all want to live our lives to the fullest and that also means not wasting time. But what we fail to see is that when we look at others, we see them through our eyes, not theirs. We want them to be us inside of them. There's a poem about this that I'll have to find and post here.

I have people in my family that live in their own little small world and are happy. It would drive me up the wall to live like that but I am glad they are happy within their world.

They are not particularly concerned about the larger world, nor do they care to take part in many things that are outside family news and gatherings. While this is hard for me to do, I understand it's their world.

Orchid maybe you could try to see their world and what makes it so special to them or try to explain your thoughts and feeling with them. Perhaps seeing each others through different eyes and feelings would help you out with those people.

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This is an interesting thread. I am glad Orchid started it. You know we all want to live our lives to the fullest and that also means not wasting time. But what we fail to see is that when we look at others, we see them through our eyes, not theirs. We want them to be us inside of them. There's a poem about this that I'll have to find and post here.

I have people in my family that live in their own little small world and are happy. It would drive me up the wall to live like that but I am glad they are happy within their world.

They are not particularly concerned about the larger world, nor do they care to take part in many things that are outside family news and gatherings. While this is hard for me to do, I understand it's their world.

Orchid maybe you could try to see their world and what makes it so special to them or try to explain your thoughts and feeling with them. Perhaps seeing each others through different eyes and feelings would help you out with those people.

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I believe so much that a person has the potential of...several lives, depending which path/turn they take. But they must take that step. No one can make do it.

A good example of small world is my mother. Yet when she was young, she had the courage (or just wanting to get married in a peaceful country) to leave mainland China and her family...forever..and marry my father in Canada who she never knew in body/person. Only by mail. Yes, she was a picture bride.

She doesn't know much English after over 50 yrs. in Canada ..and probably never will. Her world is just my dad and her family. She doesn't participate in any clubs, girlfriend regular activities,etc. Is she happy? No, not fully happy because of her isolation (linguistic, etc.). She has gr. 10 education. She's probably moderately satisfied since she has a caring hubby, a stable, safe home, all her children and grandchildren are healthy, leading productive lives.

She made a huge step as a young woman. And since then, she's stayed safe but tried to stay strong in mind. I think having 6 children was too much for her at times. She TRIED to keep her world safe, but her kids kept dragging her down alleyways she hadn't even witnessed.

I see in my mother, profound huge potential that went underground/abit awry. She has a natural mathematical ability that contrasts sharply to my father's more poetic / artistic tendencies (which he never excercised as a family man. Only when he was younger prior to marriage...)

It is possible the greatest beauty that my mother must remember in her world...was when she first met her hubby for the first time, her babies when they are very young..

The manifestations of their untapped natural talent..I guess got transferred to us...while it makes me happy, it also makes me abit wistful. I suppose it can create tremendous drive in a child to carry that torch, for the next generation to live their lives in fullness and hope.

But I know my parents are grateful to Canada to raise their family without upheaval of Communist Chinese rule.

So maybe in retrospective this example is abit lousy.

But I will admit all my long-standing close friends, all of them, love to learn and explore their world in different ways.