doing it all?

Dotsie,

My husband and I were beginning to get on each others nerves in this area, and started to become withdrawn and resentful about what each of us "didn't" do until a couple things happened over the process of a year or so that really opened our eyes - mine especially:

1. Our General Practioner/Dr. picked up that Mike and I were overstressed from all of the changes in our lives and told us straight up that we needed to "take care of each other" and focus on what really mattered.

2. We read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" Dr. Laura Schlessinger, "His Needs, Her Needs" By Dr. Willard Harley and then the book co-wrote by John and Diana Hagee "What Every Woman Wants in A Man / What Every man Wants In A Woman".

3. I became a reader for Maritta Littauer's book, "Praying Wives Club". While working in this behind the scenes process I realized just how selfish I was acting in various areas. By using the principles of actively praying for my husband's needs before my own, I found that circumstances were easier to accept.

Bottom line, behavior is a choice.

I can either look at my situation as bleak and restrictive as a "Stay-At-Home Mom who works from home and in her home"...or I can realize that every day my husband leaves the house and misses the dozens of hugs and kisses that I receive from my children, the two gifts of "fuzz" that our 2 year old Andrew for some reason collects from blankets and gives to me almost daily, the requests to help spell words from my six year old and to quiz her on math equations (even during summer break!). He goes to work, in a corporate setting, doing an analyst job that would literally have me in tears if I had to do that and "think" that hard with numbers and makes enough money for us to live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, drive nice newer cars and put our children in private schools and live basically in what I believe is the best of circumstances we could be in at this stage in our lives.

I could think about everything I have had to "give up" to be a stay at home mom - a career in the legal profession, the accolades and awards and 4 digit bonuses every couple of months...or I could look at what is given to me just because I am choosing to live the best life for our children and not have them raised by daycare or nannies.

Looking at the big picture shows me quite clearly that my husband is a man...he is not one of my best girlfriends...he is my man. I do not burden him with my trivial emotions but instead pick my own brain until I figure out what the "real" issue is, and if it is something that needs his help fixing, then I talk to him. He does not have ability to be my girlfriend to gab with, but I sure do love to have him as my man, and he has ALL of the right equipment for that.

I make it a point to not be too busy, or too tired, or too fussy, or too anything, especially not too ungrateful to realize that my husband doing the role he does as head of our house and keeper of my heart, gives me the privilege, right and authority to be keeper of our home on a daily basis.

The beauty and design that is reflected in our home is my own doing, an opportunity given to me through my husband, because I am here to plan, create, envision and not too busy to have to hire a professional to do it. In every corner of our home, by my husband doing what he does working outside of the home, I can reflect our values, our interests, our passions and our purposes down to the finest detail...things he would never be able to do if the situations were reversed and I was the one in the "successful" career. Dotsie, basically - it is because of who he is, I am able to be the woman and wife and mom God designed for me to be.

When he walks through the door, he does not deserve to hear my complaints at what a "rough" day I have had or how I wish he could be something or someone "more". If I need to vent, I go to my God, and when I get through laying it all out - it amazes me how all of that crud just disappears and the real issue comes out...

I am by nature selfish...I desire attention...I desire praise and affirmation...I desire gifts and affection...I desire a husband who complements my intelligence, character and appearance by his own intelligence, character and appearance. I know to get my needs met - well, I have to meet my husband's desires as well.

Women who want to dish out verbal poison to their husband about what most men "don't" do have no clue what the real issue and real problems are in their own hearts. They feed their minds with hate and discontent and are wondering, feigning surprise and ignorance, at where the happiness went.

I would prefer to just do what I can do to keep my house clean, meals cooked, kids fed and bathed, and beds made - and what I can't - well, I stop and wonder is it really THAT important after all?

When my husband loads the dishwasher without my asking, does a load of laundry, puts away towels, etc. I always thank him, and kiss him - maybe even "grope" him a little - after all hasn't he done ME a favor? To me, HE tastes much better than a bitter word.

Amazing how much poison, bitter and deadly, drips from a woman's lips when there should be honey, sweet and tempting. Which taste of life do you think a husband longs for and can't wait to get home to?

Women who want to fuss about all that they do and become bitter about everything that isn't done for them, will never realize how good life really could be if they could only close their mouths, open their hearts and realize how lucky they actually have it.

The weird little thing about realizing how good you actually have it...only makes it Better.

DallasGal,
I agree with mostof what you've said - BUT - if the man doesn't do HIS part as commanded by God, the woman can be a true Proverbs woman, worth more than rubies and the man just takes, and takes, and takes....until the woman is left an empty shell. It's not worth it. In fact, it can be deadly. One big problem I see with women 'doing the right thing' as commanded by Christ,(really man's interpretation of Christ's edicts) is that it puts an unnecessary burden on her. She thinks 'if only' - and the 'if only' is on her trying to become more Christ-like. The bottom line is there can't be the union described by God if both halves aren't playing by the same rules. Ultimately, each person has to come before the throne and decide for themselves whether 'this marriage can (or should) be saved'. Sometimes the answer is 'No'. I am so glad that Bible scholars are still studying the ancient texts. I've found that the original English translations didn't always tell the whole story. Not that anything was left out - but sometimes meanings were lost in the translation from Hebrew or Greek into English. Things are not always as they appear at first look.

Unique, I agree with you.

I think though that many time women get hung up on what is not and can't appreciate what is. It becomes much easier to complain rather focus on praise - a much more likely precursor to better behavior than fussing.

I believe that many women are NOT being a Proverbs 31 Woman and trying to incorporate those traits presented into their own lives. For example, they do not "consider a field and then buy it" - they impulse shop and then hide the clothing or pretend that a piece of jewelry has always been there. They do not "with the fruit of their hands, their own earnings, plant a vineyard" - alot of women take the money they earn from work at home jobs and even jobs outside of the home and have the mentality of "this is MINE to do whatever I want to with" but what hubby makes is what has to pay for it all. Many women don't reinvest the money they earn wisely in ventures that would continue to produce and provide for their family. Most women feel "entitled" to selfishness b/c of their hard work. Many women don't "gird her loin with strength and strengthen her arms" - Most women do not exercise, realizing that they have an obligation not only to themselves but to their husbands to be attractive and to her family to be strong and in good health. Many women do not much of anything that really contributes to anyone else but themselves and maybe their children...they instead sit on a couch watching TV and somehow justify their idle laziness and they wait until hubby comes home so they can complain of just how tough SHE has it.

When their husbands come home, they don't find a home that is well-cleaned, well-decorated or even welcoming. This husband has nothing to feel proud about and so he doesn't have confidence in her and he feels that HE does deserve more from his wife and that she really could do better - so he often remains silent and unattached, trying to avoid his disappointments at what is being created into his life...instead of being full of wonder and amazement at how spectacular HIS wife is and saying

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

or modernly speaking "I don't know how you do it all - you are the best wife I could ever have!"


Unique, I have lived personally in both worlds - a wife of bitterness and discontment, and a wife who acknowledged that I really could do more and expect less help "at home" and focus my attention instead of just how nice it was to have the glass "half-full"...for me, I was shocked and amazed and very pleased at my husband's response. I treasure the cards that now come with the flowers I receive that I didn't before that say "I know you will make these beautiful in our home - I am glad you are my wife". "My cup runneth over" - when I realized how good I had it, it - my marriage and my husband - became better.

Some one in each marriage has the take the initial steps to turn around when the current just isn't working for them and start walking a different direction. If they don't, then the only other alternative is division, first emotionally and finally physically...which is more harm than good, when it could be avoided.

We must know very different types of women, DallasGal. The ones I know, myself included - worked outside the home (because the man wouldn't/couldn't); do all the work inside the home, again because the man wouldn't. (It wasn't his "job") The women do it all to keep the bills paid and food on the table; to keep their children clothed and cared for and on and on. I wish there were a way to know what percentages are the type you know, the type I know, and those who are 'doing it right'. I understand where you're coming from - marriage does work better that way - but I know there are also a lot of women out there who think, 'I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but it's not working! What am *I* doing wrong?' And it isn't her - it's him. I almost died trying to do the 'right thing'. I'm sure I'm not alone. I almost lost my FAITH over this. If someone had asked me 5 years earlier, 'could you ever lose your faith?' I would have said, 'No way.' Bad marriages can be a killer. It's better to amputate and lose a part than to continue and kill the entire body.

Unique there are a lot of differences - when my husband and I first married, I did work outside of the home, but we shared the housework. I think in my case, he was used to doing it b/c he had been a single dad for so long and it was a relief to have someone help him even do "half" or more. Now where I stay at home with the kiddos during the day and work at night from home, our roles have changed to more "traditional".

Speaking of faith - the Bible has alot to say about a man who can, but won't support his family - and those type of men are not the type factored into the posts above. I don't think psychologically men who would be capable of behaving that way, would be capable of loving someone else ABOVE themselves and putting someone else's needs above their own to have a fully functional, happy marriage.

AMEN to that Unique.......