Responsibility

Not sure where to put this - but I have had the sudden revelation that I am not to blame for various changes in friendship patterns, family relationships...etc... for a long time I have been self-examining trying to work out what I have done to cause problems...the answer is NOTHING. Life is just like that. Full of change.
And suddenly I also realise that as a small child I internalised the difficulties my parents had with money being tight, step-children/parents, a cramped house, etc...taking it on my own little shoulders... well now that burden has fallen away...

Julie,
When I was born, my older sister was dying from leukemia. She lived two more years. During that time, I was surrounded by turmoil and deep sadness. Is it any wonder that I developed dysthymia? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make my parents happy.

About 15 years ago, I had the revelation that it was never my job to make them (or anybody else) happy. I was just a little girl trying to make some sense out of the sadness that surrounded me. And, as you might expect, I've spent the last 15 years understanding why I try to fix everything and everybody and, more importantly, changing my behavior patterns when I recognize that I'm heading down that slippery slope. I agree with you --- relationships change whether we're responsible for the change or not. The trick is to recognize when they're still good for us and when they're not.

Julie, Nancy and Misfire AMEN TO THAT you are so right about relationships. Misfire I can't imagine wat it was like for a little girl growing up in a house with a dying sibbling and sad parents. You must have been cheated out of so many of the nurturing elements we all need so as children. I hope you have since those awful days received tons of love from those around you. There are so many form of child abuse even when it is unintentional....God Bless.

I'm so happy for your revalation. You know something? I was 27 years old before I realized my father wasn't always right? Now that's some serious brain washing!

Yes, you grew up or should I say, was born into a very sad and depressed family and might have become the family scapegoat. But the good part is once you realize, like you have, that it isn't your fault, you are free to move on. I'm sure you're looking forward to a much nicer and easier lifestyle now. Congratulations!

It takes two for a relationship to develop and in no way should we ever shoulder the responsibility for how that relationship develops. Those of us who are muturers and 'fixers' take on much more than we should. It's difficult to step away from that type of behavior after having it ingrained in us for so long. I'm 43 years old and I've finally learned that I'm not the only person who has to work on a friendship. I have a life too, and I shouldn't put mine on hold waiting for someone else to join in. Life is too short and I'm not going to live in the 'what if' world anymore. I'm living in the present and it's all about now.

Vicki, you're right. It's hard to stop loving and nurturing when that's your nature. I feel guilty about pulling back in a relationship. I have learned at the ripe age of 46 that I can't FIX someone. They continually zapped me of positive energy so it was time to step back. It still doesn't feel good.