Unhealthy relationships

I have a woman friend who is almost always in a crisis. We've been friends for 14 years. Our daughters are close friends.

In a nutshell, after yet another example of me not being a good enough friend to her, I "think" I finally realize that I need to give up. All of my life, I've been a rescuer. It's a pattern. But, as a child, I couldn't fix my family and, as an adult, I can't fix my friends.

My goal is to have as much fun as possible in life with people who are fun to be with and not to be there to fix people. This friend draws me in close and then puts up the wall and pushes me away just when I finally feel that she's accepted me for who I am. Sigh.

Any thoughts from my cyber-friends?

Misfire, I think you have a great handle on this situation. You need to pull back a little which I'm sure is hard if you children are friends. How often do you communicate with her because of the kid's friendship? IS it possible to pull back some?

You have a great plan. Use it. Have fun, but know you can't make her well. Some friendships just aren't healthy. We can love people from a distance, but we can't always love them up close. Keep us posted.

Misfire, boy can I relate. They say that every person has a role to play in the family structure.
Sounds like you and I shared the role of fixer.
Unfortunately, that early conditioning programmed us to keep doing it into adult life, w/our own families, our friends, our co-workers.

I'm trying, like you, to tell myself, "it is what it is" and stop trying to fix things. I will listen, but I won't try to offer opinions about fixing other people's problems. Most times they don't want to hear what you have to say anyway, they just want someone to listen. But, you don't have to sit still and listen to the problems of the universe forever. You are entitled to have some fun and surround yourself with positive people. Fill your life with laughter when you can.

Oh no! am I trying to fix you? damn, and I've been so careful lately....guess old habits die hard.

God bless!

I read somewhere that you are who you run with. If this person always has a crisis, then her attitude about life has got to be some sort of influence on you and your daughter as well. You think????? I would say follow Kathryn's advice and surround yourself with people of like mind and spirit. With people who's cups are half full...With friends who find the joy and blessings in every day living.

I don't mean to sound unkind, but your friend sounds like a user to me. She only wants you around when she needs a sounding board.

JJ

Some people can't function unless their life is in "crisis" mode. It's possible that your friend doesn't need you so much to "Fix" her problems, but to be there during the problems. That can be very draining on a person. I've had to cut off friendships with people just like that. I too am a "fixer" and would offer all kinds of suggested solutions to her issues but way down deep, she really didn't want her problems fixed. She liked having problems. Gradually, we just drifted apart and it was definitely for the best.

I think you're doing the right thing by backing away and putting more space in your friendship. This person is only going to drain your energy. You need to be with positive people who can feed your energy or at least exchange energy with you.

Some people are addicted to having havoc in their lives and if it doesn't happen on it's own, they create it. This way, you will look at their latest crisis and not at them. If you look too closely at them, you might not like what you see.

After I left my abusive husband and went through therapy, I noticed all of my friends changed. I had girlfriends who pretended to be best friends but would verbally cut me down in a joking manner. They weren't much better than the man I left! Now, I only associate with people who are positive and are truly happy for another person's success. No room for jealousy in any of my relationships anymore.

Thanks to all of my cyberfriends for your words of wisdom.

You know, of course, that my friend has contacted me several times since our falling out. We talked yesterday but didn't get into a discussion about the future of our relationship. I'm not going to suggest that we never see each other again -- our paths cross too often -- but I am going to distance myself and eliminate the one-on-one times.

Her daughter, who is my older daughter's best friend, spent the night at our house on Saturday and then, the two went shopping all day on Sunday. To answer your question, Dotsie, both of my daughters are very good friends with her daughters but all 4 girls are teenagers now and can maintain their friendships without their mothers.

I don't want to belittle the seriousness of my friend's crises.

Here is just a sample of what's happened to her family since I met her --

Her brother died from a drug overdose, her father-in-law died, my friend almost died from a brain injury, her father had by-pass surgery, her husband had major surgery, her parents were in a car accident. her older daughter was in the ER twice (one of those times, I spent the night there with them), her younger daughter was in the ER, and my friend had major surgery.

Since I met her, my father died unexpectantly, my mother had 2 major surgeries and was in the hospital for chemo, I supervised the sale of my mother's house (which she'd owned since 1965 -- you can imagine the amount of stuff that was in it), and I moved my mother into independent living and then into assisted-living.

Through all of these life changes, we have been there to support and help each other. And yet, I'm still left with a feeling of frustration because often I hear about my friend's troubles after the fact or, even worse, I don't talk with her for a few days and then, I call and ask "what's new?" and I'm told that she's "hanging tough" and doesn't want to talk about it. So, do I "play the game" and push until she shares with me or, do I accept the wall that's gone up between us and feel frustrated? Sigh.

Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Well ... don't do that!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

PTSD.....post traumatic stress disorder, that's what it sounds like. You've both been through hell together and have gotten in the habit. What you haven't done is try spending some quality time that does not involve an emergency. Like go out for a cup of tea, or go to a comedy club or go do something absolutely ridiculous together. You've weathered the storm, now learn to enjoy the calm. Your daughters seem to have done so....take a clue from them if you can. It may be that you and your friend just need to learn to be friends in the good times and not just the bad.

Blessings!

Kathryn, well said.

Wow, you've been through so much together. I thought some her crises were in her mind. Not the case from what you posted. I agree with Kathryn. Go out and have a good time. Are either of you in crisis now?

Well ... there is much more to the story ... I was just trying to cut to the chase. :-)

We have done fun things together -- we've traveled together on "mothers only" weekends that I've organized, we've hiked together, we've biked together, we've done breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. She gathered a group of friends together for a surprise luncheon for my 50th birthday, we've gone to movies together, I invited her to a mother-daughter book club that I'd co-founded, she invited me to a mothers' support group --- so we have done fun things together.

It's not the crises that really bother me ... it's the feeling that she trusts me to share her thoughts and feelings with me and then, for whatever reason, her defensive wall goes up and then I'm shut out. I know that her behavior stems from stuff in her childhood and I can understand why she plays her cards so close to the vest, but I don't feel that I deserve that kind of treatment. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for her to trust me.

I'm not sure I understand the problem well, but it appears that you are hurt that your friend does not appear to willingly share her problems. If that is the case, I might be able to speak from experience.

Maybe your friend just feels that she is over burdening you and is trying to handle her problems on her own hoping they will be resolved and she can share that instead. Maybe she is trying to protect, not only you, but your friendship.
Having been through some seemingly endless traumas myself, I remember being ashamed that bad things kept happening to me. I felt guilty. It seemed as if I had done something wrong to deserve what felt like punishment and I didn't want anyone to know. I felt that I needed my friends and was afraid they would abandon me for being a sinner deserving of such punishment. It was frightening to be so needy.
Also, it took me a while to get past the denial stage. I had to internalize the trauma for a while before I could share it.

Maybe you should give your friend some time. Let her internalize her problems and let her share on her own terms in her own time. Sounds like she needs a friend to just stand nearby at this point.
smile

[ November 03, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]