I honestly want to know

Oh yes, gimster. I feel like this quite often. My story is long and boring but I will simplify by saying that my husband is gone most of the week, we lost a beautiful home, friends, a great job, and my best friend turned her back on me....all within 7 years time.

Today we live in a small condo and are still getting rid of our "stuff".

When I look around and see our lives sorta "reduced", I usually take a deep breath and think to myself, "what is it that you want me to do, Lord"?

The funny thing is that when you really get back to basics, you begin to look around you and really SEE things you never noticed before....how very blue the sky is, the shape of tulips, the color of a blue spruce, and the patterns snow makes when it settles into a leaf-less bush.

Before I begin my day (which is very early in the morning), I usually ask the Lord to use me in some way that day, be it very small or very big. If I can be an encourager to someone or tell someone that I will pray for them, then perhaps, good has come out of my day.

Life is so multifaceted and changes many times. For me, this is a very quiet time.

I've had my moments....believe me - as most of us probably do. But overall I am just so grateful to BE here, have so many wonderful friends and what little family I have left, and be in a position to enjoy every day in some fashion now that I'm retired. Many years ago, when I was a lot younger, I think I had some thoughts like "is this all there is" but time passing resolved that - - now it's more like "there's so much more than I ever thought there was back then!

I am jumping in late, but it doesn't mean I care any less.

Gimster, I am also a woman who gave my life for my family. It's the same thing my mother did before me.

There was a period of time (prior to launching this site and the association) following Mom's death with three teens in the home that I felt without purpose. It was not a fun place to be. Like you, I knew I was loved by others, but I didn't seem to fit anywhere.

Can you pinpoint why you might feel this way? Can you begin to look towards the future with the thought of finding a new purpose outside of your family? Is there anything that excites you right now? Are you interested in making changes but not sure where to begin?

I know I'm askiing lots of questions but I'm only trying to help you sort through this.

I might add that I know another woman who has devoted her life - her all - to her family and is going through something very similar to you. It's almost as though she's given above and beyond the call to everyone else excluding herself and can't figure out how to care for herself and make the changes she needs to feel fulfilled again.

I'm rambling and don't mean to.

Please know I'm here and am interested in trying to help you sort this out. I hope you will continue to post because I'm sure others will respond in some kind of helpful manner.

Gimster, this sounds like clinical depression. Have you gone to a doctor to get this checked out? If it's a chemical imbalance, which is often at the root of clinical depression, there really is NOTHING you can do by yourself for that imbalance - and everything you try will fail, until you get the proper medication to help rebalance your brain. That imbalance is real and physiological and needs medical treatment. That should be your first step - get this checked out and get your doctor to prescribe an anti-depressant for you to help you at least be able to function on a daily basis.

When you're in this dark place, it looks impossible to get out, but you DO have everything you need to get you back out of there - BUT, you may need help, starting with the doctor's checkup and possibly meds. Please, Gimster, do this for yourself, as soon as possible. And keep coming here to let us help you through these tough days.

Gimster, I remember my friend Linda asking me this question over and over again after her husband passed suddenly. I told her we are so lucky to have an opportunity to "be". We are...

What we can do in our lives is limitless. It depends how hard we want to work for it. Nothing is impossible, we just don't know how to do it yet.

I was feeling low last week and this same question popped up in my head, and I pondered. Strange for me but it think I'm a seasonal change challenged individual. It takes me a few weeks to enter each season, with the fall being the worst.

I wondered why I even thought about this question and assumed it was because I needed to move from quiet alone (deep thoughts with too much time on my hands) to being around people. It's too easy to get in a rut when you have too much thinking time. I have some worry and that's why I have been feeling this way so I decided to quit my brooding, get dressed and get out of the house. This works for me and that's not saying it does for everyone. Spicing up your day in any way you can helps. I just won't let it happen.

What's it all about? For me, I'ts about being happy in the sense that I am alive with the potential to do and be whatever I chose....to be purposefull...or to at least work on it.

I'm glad you started this post.Are you seasonally challenged like me?

Gimster do you have much opportunity to rest each day?

I'm not talking about sleeping at night. You are entitled to slide abit when the children aren't around.
I hope that your hubby is assisting you in some mundane chores during this tough time.

I hope you will find an experienced counsellor for face-to-face chats.

You are entitled to be weak for awhile..which is why you need to rest and ...but consider exercise abit every day. No marathons just exercise abit. I've had some major shocking moments, including 2 periods of unemployment for several months each. It may happen again because I have only a contract job. Although I had to take steps to pull myself out (to find a job), cycling abit everyday was a destressor, it was an activity ..that was doable without much intellectual effort (thank goodness!!!!!!) and just doing a little bunny hill and enjoying the weather was nice achievement for the day...if nothing else. exercise is endorphin producing,....exercise is a natural therapeutic drug to give more energy to tackle more tougher things in life.

Baby steps, gimster. Baby steps.

As for how I remind myself, well:

*I'm not wheelchair bound/facing a permanent disability. Therefore I am more mobile, I can do more. I can see more of the world.

*I can speak English. (I'm sorry, this is a skill we're taking for granted here). Therefore it will be easier for me to do stuff or to ask for help from experts.

*Some people in this world already know me well and love me for who I am.

Have I ever wondered if I lost my life? I almost did. I was hit by a car as a pedestrian....as a teenager. And in that shock, I sat in snowbank waiting for ambulance to come after someone else called. I remember crying out of immense relief. I could have been disabled..etc., if the car went faster and threw me up onto the hood.

Sometimes I forget about that accident, it is like willful denial of an event, that might have resulted in something quite awful.

I'm glad that you are determined to live gimster.

Gosh I've so felt, and do feel this often. The interesting thing is that I have NOT given my life to my "family" as I have had none. So, it depends, I guess, on how one "feels" about their own life's situation.

I'm tired of struggling, financially. I'm tired of a tired body. Just turned 50 and my "get up and go got up and went". NAPS are highly under-rated.

Working from home is good, yes. I think it'd be worse working for someone else. I HATED that. Learning how to be self-motivated is a huge change for me. As a youngster I was lazy. Still am in ways, but now my/our finances depend on what we sell.

So, what I am saying is there are very often times I am so tired I feel like I just want to die and not wake up. Depression sets in sometimes, probably because I'm off Premarin, but I'm adjusting. Working is a must to living for us. No retirement so we're it.

I'm there with you!!

Couple good points here - thanks for posting them - exercise and hormones. Let us not forget what all the hormonal changes do to our moods. Gimster, have you spoken with your gyn?

Gimster, I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I've been there. I've existed in the "nothingness" as well. It's not very fun in that dark place.

Come into the light and talk to your doctor. You shouldn't have to fight this on your own, because it's a battle you won't be able to win. Like EH said, it's a good chance this is depression and a hormonal imbalance.

Get help. Don't be afraid or embarrassed. I've cried in my doctor's office just out of sheer relief when he told me he could help me feel better.

Here's gentle hugs and supporting thoughts for your brave journey back from the nothingness.

We've seen quite a few 'before' and 'after' women here. It's amazing how many do a complete roundabout. Help yourself get help Gimster. You can do it.

Why is it we women feel we need to be superwomen, loving and nurturing everyone around us? Yet when we are the one is trouble we do nothing. Gimster ask yourself what you would tell a daughter or a dear friend that came to you to ask for your help, because she was feeling the same as you are feeling now. Be honest, what would you tell her after looking deep down into your very soul. Whatever your answer would be to her, that should also be the answer to tell yourself. There is help out there, you just need to find and take advantage of it. Posting here among your cyber friends is a good start. It tells us, and you, that you're searching for the help. Now you have our prayers to depend on. AND to heck with the kitchen, it isn't going anywhere!!!Take care, we care...HUGS

I do get depressed from time to time and this last year has been hell for me but I've never wanted to give up my life. I think I'm more like Meredith, who doesn't have enough time to finish everything that I start.

Please look into your heart and see what it is that you need to do to make you want to live your life and live it to the fullest, then go out and start doing it!
We're here for you!

How are you gimster?

Yes Gimster...how are you...you've been in my thoughts...

Same here. We are wondering.

Yes, very much so...

I just tried emailing her through the site and it came back. Does anyone know another email address for her?

Dotsie, do you have her on your Newsletter email list?

Gimster, even if you're just lurking and not up to posting, we want you to know we care! Thinking good thoughts for you!

Mona, I'm worried about you...please know that we do care so much more than you can imagine. I'm carrying you in my heart...

I'm jumping in late too...but have been following this thread, and want you to know how much I care about how you're doing.

Are you able to take just a time out? Take off from the family and everyone, and do a wellness weekend or just go somewhere and just do what YOU want to do? I did that a little time ago, (as so many of you know), and it's the most rejuvenating feeling I've had in a long time. It truly helps to move things into perspective again.

Do you ever get sick of living? YES

Ever think, "Is this all there is?" YES

I just want to know how often, if ever, this type of thought comes to mind. how often i don't know but when i have time or when something happens.... those pop up in my mind.. maybe a little more than a dozen times this year.. i don't know...

distressed, and when you answer yes to these questions, what do you do to pick yourself back up again? Maybe we could talk about that. It might be helpful to others.

I am doing a Bible study on my own and am really enjoying it. It's about moods and recognizing what triggers them.

Dotsie...that sounds like a wonderful Bible study...keep us posted on what you learn...

Distressed, I sometimes think to myself, that I'm glad I am the(OLD)age that I am, because of all the scary terrorist stuff and new diseases popping up all around us today. I want to live, Yes, but if I died soon, I would only be leaving a world in utter turmoil filled with sicko freaks and worse. Its helps being on the downside of life easier too... I too get sick of living sometimes and wonder if this is all there is, I doubt anyone can say they do not.

I've never gotten sick of living, just tired of living..but it's happened only once in life. Just a thought that crosses mind.

No, I don't ask myself, "Is that all there is?" HOw can I say that, if I was raised by people who had less than what I have now???

What I have now is partially due to tremendous sacrifice made for me...by other people.

No, it's just a serious cases of lousy procrastination that stops me and self-doubt that stops me dead at times...those were the largest stumbling blocks and occasionally rear their ugly heads throughtout life.