Holidays, Birthdays & Loss

My very dear sister Ronnie died in March 2004 on the date which would have celebrated beloved sister Ellie's birthday, had she herself not suddenly died at age 46 in 1998. Ronnie was buried on MY 54th birthday....Jeepers. Talk about going from birthday candles on cakes to memorial candles in church!....Today is New Years Day 2006 and I'm still here, spreading the gospel of survival one-day-at-a-time. Well, that's not entirely true. Part of me is really someplace else. With Ronnie, Ellie, my angel-brother "Cuddy" who died when I was young, and my parents, along with all those in my small family who have gone on to "a better place."....Just before Christmas, hubby and I filled the car up with homemade wreaths and delivered them to the cemetery, one for each of my favorite people. Well, that's not entirely true either. Dad was SUCH an alcoholic who made our lives miserable at times, and mom was a raging dysfunctional, whose antics left me as scarred as "Eve" in "Three Faces of Eve." ....I cried the hardest when placing Ronnie & Ellie's wreath. Hey you guys! Why aren't we wrapping each other's presents? Where are you??? I need you HERE! We are supposed to be aging boomers TOGETHER!!!.....Last night at midnight of this very new year, there was no one to phone. And God bless his recovering heart, Dick Clark for the first time looked & sounded OLD. Has the world gone positively mad??? Dear hubby was next to me, poor thing, viral and asleep. Grown son & girlfriend were safely tucked away in his apartment; we had exchanged "best wishes" earlier......They say the glass is half empty or half full, depending on which part you are concentrating on. I try to focus on "half full," remembering the good times, appreciating the family & friends who are left, brightening the lives of others who seem worse off...This loser-husband of a girl I know, ran off with another woman just before Christmas, leaving the young woman with 2 small children and penniless to boot. That heartbreak happened to me once, but not at Christmas, so I made like the Christmas Angel and bought as many gifts for them as my budget would allow. God bless you Ronnie & Ellie for helping me to be an Angel like you two!....Over the next couple of months, up comes another round of birthdays & holidays, and kaleidoscope memories with varying shades of light & dark.... It's time to fill that glass again. Hey Ronnie! Hey Ellie! Do you have a bottle opener?????

Happy New Year Josie, keep that glass half full always.

Please look at what I posted under the topic Winter Solstice.

This is a new year Josie and time for you to look about and smile for whatever joys you have in your life. Take this journey with me and our other boomer sisters.

I hope to see you posting here often. A big hearty ((((( HUG ))))) to you. This hug is a Bluebird trademark.

Thanks ladybug! Although my half-glass-full-of-Sprite and I cannot find the topic Winter Solstice, I DID feel the hug. God bless and Happy New Year! Josie

PS: Yesterday I surprised my under-the-weather hubby with a “Band of Brothers” party for two. As we watched the 10 hour DVD marathon, I kept us supplied with coffee, soda and fun foods. He said it was one of the best times he’d ever had, us relaxing together and vegging out with good munchies....I'm sure counting them blessings! lol I should probably be counting a few calories as well. lol lol lol

Josie, I've heard that calories don't count when your vegging out. lol. My grandmother used to go on ice cream diets. She reasoned that if all she ate was ice cream, she'd lose weight.

Hang in. You've lost a lot of loved ones. My sis died in June of 2004, and it still doesn't seem right that she's gone. She always said she wasn't going to be around that long. Dad always said that too. Both of them died at a much earlier age than most of the family. There's a hole where she used to be. There's a hole where all my loved ones who've gone on used to be.

This night and every night as you lay down to sleep may you feel the wings of angels wrapping you in love and comfort while you sleep.

Vi

Vi

Why did your sister think she wasn't going to be around "that long" ? Do you know? And Dad?????

I am forever lamenting my Nichole, but I'm now, beginning to come to the surface, I think. Maybe just a little. Become aware of the world around me. Just a little, tho'. Don't get too excited....I AM pokey....

You've lost too many. Too many...You've just simply had too much. I applaude you for not jumping off a bridge. You have not only borne the pain of these so many losses, but you have made it your life's mission to improve your life and others. Your art, your books, your speech here. Your encouragement to me and others, while also being true to yourself. I hope to be just like you, Vi.

We'll see

Searcher

Josie,

You, too have suffered too many losses. Your story has touched my heart. You are missing siblings and we are here to fill a part of that role. We can never replace them, but at least be a place where you can call home.....Speak your mind, we'll listen. You will get advice, some great, some not so great. But that's as sisters go, we are all at least, trying to help in our own way.....

Searcher

Searcher,

Your words humble me. I try hard to help and to be true to myself and my mission. It's a hard climb at times. As I see it, after great loss there can be great achievement, if we strive for the higher path - the one that leads us to help others.

My sister and my father both had rheumatic fever when they were very young. (My sister also had severely high blood pressure after the birth of her first child.) Both of them nearly died in childhood. So my dad was forever telling me he wasn't going to be around long - he lived to be almost 70 in a family that lived to be 85 to 90, even the men. And my sister was always telling me that since I had no children or grandchildren, I could claim hers after she was gone.

[ January 05, 2006, 02:27 AM: Message edited by: Vi ]

Your sister was a treasure....what a thing to say. The trust she had in you was beyond measure.......

Josie,

Just thinking of you and wondering how you are today. This loss thing comes in waves. Sometimes is sits and stays awhile - acute and achey. So I ask you - do you need a hug today? I'm sending several - one for now and an additional six to last you an entire week. They are also recyclable.

Searcher, thanks. My sis and I were so different. I often wished we could have been similar, so we could have shared more. But she was herself, and I was me, and the places our interests met were few. But we love each other. That was never in question.

Searcher and Josie, do you dream about your loved ones - or are the losses too new for dreams?

Vi

Every nite I go to bed, hoping I'll dream about Nichole, or that she will come to me in some way. I only had a dream once - only it really wasn't exactly a dream . It was between that sleep and wake place - like when you wake up to make a trip to the bathroom, but are still to much asleep to be called awake..........and it was as tho she was giving me a message--something about the interconnectedness of time and generations of people, and tthen something about Sam....but I just can't get hold of that part. That part drives me crazy because anything concerning Sam I NEED to know!!!!

Searcher, After my Dad and then my Mom died, I begged (God, my psyche, Mr Sandman, whoever) to let me see them in my dreams. The silence and continuing lack of interconnectedness was devastating. Like you, there would be those moments, between sleep and fully awake, when I would get a glimpse and reach for them and beg that this moment wouldn't end, but it always did. And I would be left with only a very vague sense of having glimpsed them off in the distance. So intangible and elusive. Having had amazing dreams all my life, this new inability to dream or to remember those moments really disappointed me.

And yet, I really believe in that "interconnectedness of time and generations of people" and that our loved ones are available to us when/if we need them - right there, in that middle space, just as we're coming out of the timelessness of deep sleep when we're most open to the spirit world, before we reach the heavy weight of reality and consciousness again.

[ January 06, 2006, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I'm like you Searcher...each night I pray that I'll find my Mother in my dreams and yet that dream eludes me...still...all of my kids have had amazing dream visits with both My Mother and Father..but they just haven't come to me yet...I try not to dwell on the whys of this disappointment...I'm hoping it means that they are at peace and no longer need me....still...I long for one more glimpse...just one more short visit....

Eagle Heart...your books were a huge hit this Christmas at my house and have made quite an impact on their readers....again I must thank you!!

Eagle Heart,

What a way with words you have, beautiful to read...Your choice of words is inspiring to me. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to really have a good, solid, interaction with your parents..Like you say, it's such a disappointment...Well, I've never had dreams that ever made much sense, only a few in my lifetime...most of mine are a hodgepodge of images, and short scenes that have people in them I do not know...and seldom a nightmare, either, but they are in color. Weird, huh? The few I did have that made sense, however, are forever stuck in my mind...

My Mother had vivid, vivid dreams - and a few recurring ones..One was where she had to get on a plane (This dream started WAY before Nichole was born)which was excessively frightening to her. But she HAD to get on this plane for a very important reason, and so went, flying, flying forever, never getting to her destination. When Nichole had to have her brain surgery, and the doctors told us to call all relatives, (for the prognosis was guarded, and she had only a 50
%survival rate)My Mother got on that plane....Ever after, the dream was gone.....

It's all pretty stange, isn't it?

AvalonBlondi, I am sorry for you too, that you haven't had that connection yet. Maybe it's still in our future....I'm at least glad your children did.

I AM just lately, beginning to have some sort of feeling that Nichole is here, but in a very, very different way. Not like when I first felt her, visiting us , sitting on the window seat...Much different, in fact. At the same time, more remote but closer...More in the center of myself than on the outside - hard to describe. But this is fleeting, not something that stays with me. Maybe more staying power in the future??????

Giving virtual hugs to both of you,
Searcher

I think I know what you mean, Searcher, about her being with you "more in the center of myself than on the outside".

I did have one remarkable Mom-moment this past August. I think I shared it somewhere here. I was trying to make Mom's peach sauce for a special family meal. But since she had never shared with anyone how she made it, I was lost after putting the peaches in the saucepan. With 7 supper guests waiting anxiously for the much-loved sauce, I sent up a desperate plea to Mom for help. Well, you would have thought she was standing right beside me, she was so real, her voice whispering the instructions right into my ear. Throw in this, add that, try this...voila...it was delicious, so much so that everyone begged for it again this past Christmas.

It's the only time it's happened, despite other desperate pleas since then for help that only a Mama can give...

Oh Searcher definitely more in the future...sometimes I can feel my mother touching me ever so lightly on my back or shoulder...and I have always heard her voice clearly in my mind...sometimes so clearly it makes me jump...and she had such a great sense of humor...and the things she says to me still make me laugh out loud...and I'm alone when this happens , shopping ...and I laugh and people look at me like I'm nuts...I don't care...it feels so great...but I just can't ever see her...not even in my dreams...and I so miss her sweet face and twinkling mischievous eyes...

Thanks for the hugs ...I really need them today.
I hope you have wonderful dreams tonight and you remember them
Love ya!!!

What I found with my dreams, is that when the loss was new, very acute, when I needed them the most so I could spend time with the loved ones, the dreams failed to come. It was like the intensity of the loss put up some kind of block.

I've always had vivid dreams, prophetic in some ways. Lately, I've been dreaming about departed loved ones again, but only the ones who've been gone a long time. My thought is, that as we work through our grief and the intensity of it fades a bit, the grief is no longer as much of a barrier, and our loved ones on the other side can more easily get through to us in our dreams.

I, too, have seen holographed images of beings just as I wake up in the night. The images quickly fade. Last night I saw my angel again. There were three different ones I used to see, just as I woke up to get up to pee. It's been a while since I've seen them, and I missed them. I think I stopped seeing them for a while, because with menopause I wasn't sleeping as deeply. So my "night seeing" wasn't in full gear. Now that I'm sleeping better again, I bet I start seeing my angels and vision people more often. The one last night was a different one than the three I used to see. When I see them their lips are moving constantly, and they seem to scanning the area. I can't hear what they are saying, but they seem to be singing. I think they are my guardian angels. I only see one at a time. But it is oh so reassuring.

BTW, Nancy, I'm really glad the books were so well-received. Thanks for letting me know.

Regarding my dreams of loved ones who have gone before... Mine do not seem connected to how long ago they died and any relationship to my grieving pattern. What stands out is when the dream is particularly "real," and I wake up thinking I am in the middle of talking with sister Ronnie or sister Ellie, only to find out the moment was fictional. My heart then sinks to the very depth of sorrow and frustration...What gives me comfort is physically touching Ronnie's pocketbook or rosaries, or wearing her coat to the store. Or making one of Ellie's special recipes. Or seeing childhood pictures of us. It's so strange to see Ronnie's pocketbook and its contents in my house, without Ronnie, yet this treasured part of Ronnie makes me feel as if she is with me still. Call me crazy, but sometimes when I am tenderly stroking her rosary beads and touching them to my cheek, I honestly feel as if she is nearby. When Ellen's now-grown son paid a rare visit recently, I saw Ellie in his face. It was a profound magic moment of peace for me. May all of us be blessed with moments of peace in 2006!

http://www.chinapage.com/poem104.html

Josie, I understand about the items that belonged to the loved one. After my sweetheart died I wore his windbreaker - it was way too big. I'm 5'3" and he was 6'2. It was warm and comforting and made me feel he was hugging me. Right before my sister died she gave me a pair of her shoes. When I wear them I feel closer to her. It's a good feeling in the middle of loss. I don't think you are crazy, I think you are coping in a healthy way.

love and comfort to you,
Vi

Josie, I went to the funeral of a dear family friend today with Dad and two of my sisters. He and his wife were best friends with Mom and Dad. I wore one of Mom's pins to the funeral so she could be with me. It felt so good. Dad is the only one left this side of heaven. I can't imagine how he feels tonight after suffering another loss.

You have to do what feels right for you when you grieve. There are no guidelines. It's all so personal.

[ January 09, 2006, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

suzieq,it was a gift. That's wonderful.

Dotsie, losses do seem to come in waves. Glad you brought your mom with you to the service. Blessings to you dad.

There is no barrier to love. It's only the grief that keeps us from feeling the love of those who have gone on.

Suzieq -
Your dad was playing those songs for you.....believe this....

Dotsie, as others have said, I do some unusual things to be surrounded by Nichole. I wear some clothes of hers - things that make me feel close - slippers, sweaters and such. And of course I always wear the ring...These things help, but isn't it too bad that they can't bring us even closer? Still, I'm sure your mom was with you then...and always....

Vi - you are such a healer. I admire your heart. I did a really strange thing day before yesterday. I opened Nichole's urn. I guess, to let the "genie" out. I touched her ashes, and then just left it open until I was ready to go to bed. Did the same thing yesterday and today. Last night, I finally had a dream. But it was just so silly....about making chili - and she was telling me what she wanted me to put in it - this was one of her favorite things, my chili. And she would always ask, what are you going to put in it? So, what do you make of that??????? First dream I've had in centuries that made any sense at all.....Guess I'll keep opening up that urn....

Search

Searcher,

Could it be that it was not a silly dream at all? Could it be that Nichole was showing you, by telling you what she wanted you to put in the chili, that in fact she is helping guide you now - that she's one of your guardian angels or guides? I bet that's it. I just bet so.

Vi

Dotsie,
Your post made me cry...(been doing that alot lately for some reason)...I love that you wore your Mother's pin to the funeral...that was so thoughtful of you to do that and sweet...anyway...I have been thinking about how your Dad must be feeling since he buried his last old friend the other day...I hope he isn't taking it too hard...it sounds like you and your sisters live close by? That has to be a huge comfort to him...I'm sure you are giving him lots of extra hugs these days...God Love you and your Dad...