So Much Loss

Lost my father Sept 1 2004, my mother July 27, 2005 and my pa-in-law 3 weeks later. Three weeks after that my 17-year-old daughter announced she was seeing a 36-year-old man and was moving out. I found this site and seems perfect for women for any topic!! Right now, I'm trying to get through all this "stuff". Had a breakdown after my father died. Holding on this time. I miss my mama so. Tomorrow is her birthday. We're having dinner at my brothers and invited her remaining siblings. I also bought her a card and am mailing it to heaven. Maybe the post office has a special place for those. Thanks for listening.

Oh, Mama, you have had a rough 13 months...I am so sorry for all your losses and heartaches. I hope you are taking care of yourself and giving yourself a chance to grieve. I know I didn't do that each time I had a death close to me, because I was always right in the middle of something else. Grief has a way of finding you, if you haven't given it the proper time.

Welcome to BWS. I know you will receive an outpouring of love, support and prayers here.

Peace.

Bluebird - thank you so much for your welcome. I do think this is going be an awesome place to hang out.

You can hang out and "let it all hang out".

I have a Martina McBride song stuck in my head right now - "Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world..."
It's like that "in here".

Mama, this is an awesome place to hang out. I am sorry to hear of your losses. You must be in great pain about your daughter too. Bluebird, it's so true about grief: it catches up to you, doesn't it?

Mamacat, We are here for you. I lost my parents and my step-dad all of who were my life's best friends. I wrote Mom a letter when she passed and would like to make suggestion. Keep a copy of yourssomewhere safe. I didn't and wish I had so I could read it again. I also have 2 daughters.I know it is difficult and heartbreaking to agree with their choices sometimes. I pray that tomorrow will find you remembering happy thoughts of your Mom. God bless.
chick

I just found this thread, Momacat, and see that you have told us about your losses. I am so sorry and truly understand the way you are feeling. I, too, lost 2 loved ones recently as well as my oldest and dearest friend. Shortly thereafter my daughter got into some kind of 'snit' and decided she didn't want me in her life anymore - I got a horrible letter from her. I was beyond devastated. Since then, she has changed her mind, apologized, said she was being dramatic and blew 'things' out of proportion (I'm still not sure what 'things' - she can't seem to think of any right now....) - she loves me, etc. But it has certainly damaged something inside me.

I didn't mean to turn the subject towards me and my life...just know that you are not alone and along with the others, I'm here if you need to talk it out - it helps.

Mamacat,
You and your family will be in my prayers!

Dreamer,
You and yours will be in my prayers also.

Thank you, Junebug. And you will be in mine.

Oh Dreamer,
Sounds like you are right where I am. I am sorry for your losses and I will keep you in my prayers. I keep looking forward to 2006 like it's going to magically make life sane again.

You are in my prayers, too, Mamacat. I just try to keep as busy as I can so I won't spend too much time thinking and dwelling on things I cannot change. We have also just moved to a new state - so I am calling this my "present" life and am trying to build on lessons learned from my "previous" life.

The world is certainly a different place now without my Dad, my former husband and my dear friends.

You know, I have always been such a strong woman. Been through 2 divorces, fought for a year for custody of my nieces, battled the county and my drug-addicted sister, survived my son being hit by a car on the freeway during the midst of all of that and always came out stronger and more confident. This time with all these deaths and my daughter, I am a wimp. I have fallen apart. I can't get them out of my head and they hurt so bad. I made it through menopause - I should be tougher than ever!

Hi Mamacat, I've been unable to be here much lately, but just want to voice my care and welcome.

This is such a painful time for you, so much loss in your life. Hurting that bad doesn't make you a wimp, it makes you a woman in agony. The agony of absence is devastating, and it's so much harder when our Mom is one of those we're grieving! Your anguish and grief calls for compassion and patience instead of self-recrimination. I know cuz I've been there too and got very good at beating myself up for not getting over it fast enough, for being such a wimp and cry-baby.

But I've changed my mind on all of that. If we knew someone else who was hurting as much as we hurt, we would wrap them in our caring compassion, weep with them, bring them casseroles, send caring thoughts...do whatever we could to ease their pain. So should we do the same to ourselves. Wrap yourself in your own kind compassion and hold yourself with tender care, knowing how brutal your pain is right now. If/when you're able to do things to keep yourself busy to help deal with the pain, then do it. But when you hurt, cry, and know that that's okay too. Our hearts don't always "move on" according to others' timetables...nor should they.

"This too shall pass", but while you're passing through, or like me, stuck there, be kind to yourself. And hang in here, we'll help too!

Momacat,

Three years ago, I lost my father, then was diagnosed and treated for cancer. And I completely fell apart.

Like you, I'd always considered myself a strong woman who could cope with anything and blamed myself when I couldn't. It took a lot of counselling and soul searching before I could finally admit there are some things you can't cope with and it's OK to admit it. For me, it was a control issue. Learning to let go and lean on someone else was a hard lesson to learn.

I've a feeling you'll come through all this and discover you're as strong if not stronger than you ever were.

Hugs,

Eagle Heart,
What an encouraging message. I'm so afraid to grieve - that I'm a crybaby, etc. Decided I am going out to the cemetary on Thursday and Friday made plans to spend with my friends fabric shopping. Thanks for your thoughts. You are right - hearts "move on" at their own pace.
Mamacat

We do not truly understand;

JOY...until we face sorrow.
FAITH...until it is tested.
PEACE...until faced with conflict.
TRUST...until we are betrayed.
LOVE...until it is lost.
HOPE...until confronted with doubts.

Eagle Heart you are so wise, compassionate and, above all, right!

Mamacat, I have a feeling that, like me, you can't help but wonder what you could have done, should have said, might have changed...but there is nothing - you did everything right, so be glad of that, glad you had those special people in your life and know you carry a big part of them around with you all of the time - the best parts of all of them because they helped make you the wonderful person you are.

Dreamer,
It is a wonder to me how all these wonderful people have such understanding and compassion. You hit it on the head. My mother and I had a very rocky relationship. She resented me adopting my nieces - my sister was her baby and although she knew how ill she was, she dreamed of her getting well and raising her girls. The day she died, she called me to her to whisper in my ear and said "I am so sorry" I asked for what and she said "for so many things". I told her we would have no regrets. I told her I knew she loved me and I loved her. But I feel so cheated out of what could have been if only we had resolved things years before. Now I think of all her good things and not all the nastiness she showed me and I wonder if I'm deluding myself. She wasn't nice to me a whole lot but I always felt she loved me. And we did have some good times. Dreamer, give me feedback on this please.

Mama, this brought tears to my eyes, reading that your mom called to you and said she was sorry before she died. That is so beautiful.
I know you feel cheated and I know what you mean. I was so angry at my mother for years, for the things she said and the way she treated me. Not abusively, mind you, but certainly not loving me the way I needed to be loved. (Thank God my dad did). By the time I got to the point where I understood her and accepted her love the way she could give it, she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and died within 6 months. So I, too, felt cheated. But no matter how much time we get or how many good times we have, we would probably never feel it was enough. We would want it to last! And you should feel relieved that she passed without having that need to apologize nagging at her soul. She died with peace in her heart. Not everyone does.
And don't ever feel like being a crybaby means you're weak. Crying shows that you are secure enough to feel your feelings and let them out.
It's a great release to cry. I call it an emotional orgasm.

Now I think of all her good things and not all the nastiness she showed me and I wonder if I'm deluding myself. She wasn't nice to me a whole lot but I always felt she loved me.

Can I relate to every word you're saying, Mamacat. Oh, the "why's" and "if only's" I've sobbed into my pillow over the past four years since my Mom died. She wasn't always nice to me either, and it took me a lifetime to realize the profound love she really did have for me. It does make the grieving process more difficult, I think, to have all these regrets and to wish we had known then what we know now. I'm working through it, slowly but surely, with the help of the wise women on this site.

The other thing that I find myself doing is nurturing other women's relationships with their own mothers, particularly the young women in my life. I tell them about my own blindness and inability to see my Mom's love until after she was gone, and encourage them to look beyond the nagging and mother-daughter differences and to cherish that unique love connection while they still have their Moms around.

It feels so supportive to hear someone else who has the same feelings. You lost your mother 4 years ago? And I lost mine 4 months ago and feel like I should be gotten over this constant ache. Thank you for letting me grieve and know I'm not alone. What a great group of women.

Mamacat, yes it was four years ago Oct 28th that my Mom died, and like you, I've often felt that I should have gotten over the agony of absence by now. But some days the ache is just as raw as it was that first year. I've just learned to allow myself a little cry now and then, and then pick myself up and keep moving forward until the next weepy day. I think they're getting farther and farther apart, although I think that the hole and the missing will never really go away, nor should it...I cherish that connection, and look forward to the time when it's more "glad and happy memories" than "aching loss".

4 months...oh Mamacat, you have to give yourself at least a whole year to even begin to feel any easing off of that agony...you have to get yourself through all the "firsts"...first Mother's Day, first birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas...and then expect that events like Mother's Day and Christmas are still going to hurt years from now. My husband's not an emotional man, but even he profoundly misses his Mom now and then, and she died almost 20 years ago.

I think the trick is to learn how to gently and tenderly embrace the grief; accept that it's there and is going to be a part of your life for awhile. But know that it will become less and less sad, and will evolve into more of a cherishing, if that makes sense.

I embrace my ongoing grief now, because I can feel it slowly but surely changing into something more...in amidst the aching (and regrets), I'm now feeling the ability to honour my memories of her, and acknowledge the wonderful person she was and the important part she played in my life. In time, the honouring takes over from the grief and becomes the focus rather than the sadness.

You truly are not alone. You can bet that at any given time I'm feeling that ache...I don't talk about it too much anymore. These women here have let me weep many times here, and that alone has brought healing to my heart and helped me to find my way through my grief. You will always find a caring shoulder to cry on here, including mine.

Dear Mamacat,

I've found the affects of grief are cumulative. So at times,I would think, well, gee, I handled this and this and this alright. I'm going to be okay always. And then something else would happen and it all would hit me. I would be afraid to cry because I was afraid that once I started, there was this unending vat of tears, and I would never be able to stop. Mostly, I don't cry physical tears. Sometimes I picture myself crying, the tears pouring down my face.

That happened to me the first time years ago when my brother killed his neighbors, and I had to help the family get through the awful tragedy. I had to wait to cry. So I'd picture the tears coming down my face, and I'd feel the ache.

After my dad died it took me two and half years to really cry...oh there were a few tears now and then before that. With my latest loss, my sister died in June, I have hardly cried at all. But lately I noticed that I'm feeling the ache and picturing the tears again, running down my face. I feel the emptiness...I think of the ways we weren't close because we were so different. She loved me. I loved her...still do, of course. Knowing that she is free of the pain of her liver cancer does help, and that she is happy in her new life, helps too. But the hole is there.

I was thinking about it the other day and about all the losses over time and the way the world has changed since I was little - I'm 56. And I thought about the few really strong old women I have known and how much I respect them and their ability to have a good and satisfying life, in spite of/because of all the awful things that happened to them. If I have the opportunity to grow up to be a very old woman, I want to grow up to be like them. I'm going to explore these ideas in a book of fiction about several strong old women. It will be good therapy for me and hopefully for others who read it. We need heros again, good strong ones we can emulate. For me they are Aunt Lottie, friend Tosca and Aunt Ida. Their strength shines in my heart.

Bless you in the days ahead, you, Dreamer and Eagle Heart and all the other lovely women who have expressed their beauty and their losses. May you all find peace and comfort.

Vi

Vi, I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense that grief is cumulative. If you don't take care of each grief as it comes, it just adds
onto the next one. I've lost many close people also - my mom, dad, father in law, brother in law, sister in law and dear friend. I cry more now about them than I did at the time. Especially about my dad, who died 21 years ago.
That is so awful about your brother. What a shock that must have been for your family.

[ November 03, 2005, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: Western Bluebird ]

Western Bluebird,

I did the best I could to release and grieve as each thing came up. I was a psych major in college - it taught me what to do. But the affects were cumulative anyway. My dad died 22 years ago. I'm really okay with that loss now. I recently dreamed about him, he was getting new tires on the car so he could come and take Mom home with him. She's 87, and it's time for her to go. It was a nice dream. I was comforted by it.

It was horrid with my brother. It's something a person never expects. My parents were good and loving people. It turns out my brother is schizophrenic - his mind was messed up by prescription drugs. They are what pushed him over the edge. I wrote a book about it. It is out of print, but you might be able to find it used on Amazon.com. It's called Hidden Victims: The Other Side of Murder.

One of the sayings I like best is by Helen Keller - "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." To me this life is all about learning, growing and becoming. I am a far better person because of all the pain. And I'm happier.... Happiness is a gift I give myself - a decision I make every day.

Vi

Vi, Helen Keller and I share the same birthday (different years . I once had a poster of an adorable little Native American girl and the quote on it was one of hers: "Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."

I will check out Amazon for your book.

Western Bluebird - Thanks for checking for the book.

Have you ever noticed that the people who inspire us the most are the ones who have lived through the most difficulties. Makes me think that maybe those of us who have lived through hard times can inspire others too.

Vi - You are a writer!!! I always dreamed of being a write but never had enough confidence. You also have had a life of trials which appears to have made you a strong wise woman and it is my honor to have met you. I am finding these women here are finding strength and wisdom during their trials. I continue to be "tested". Yesterday I had to take my 13-year-old daughter to hospital for being suicidal and cutting herself. She too has been through all the loss and to top it off has been bullied at school. She is in 72-hour lock down. I meet with social worker today. Husband preferred not to go with me. Will keep you all posted and thanks for all your wonderful posts.

Oh, Mama, you are being tested!! Please let us know how your daughter is doing. Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but shame on your husband for not going with you...

I agree with you re: my husband. He seems to act like nothing is going on!!
She will be in the lock down psyche unit until Monday where upon she'll go to a day treatment program. We can only see her 5-7 daily. I met with social worker today and she let me sneak in to bring her her puppy dog (it was a stuffed animal my dad kept in his room before he died). She always sleeps with him. Oh, she looked so beautiful and we held each other so tight.

Mama, is she your baby? 13 is so young to be going through this. Let's hope she talks about what drove her to such a radical action.

Yes, she is my baby - my youngest and she's so beautiful - she looks like porcelain doll plus she has beautiful long wavy blonde hair. But she hadn't been keeping up hygeine. Wouldn't wash her hair, etc. She's safe there and I think she'll be open to talk.

Sounds like depression.

Big time depression - she's been on anti-depressants for awhile. She is ADHD, Bi-Polar and depressed. She was born cocaine addicted (my sisters bio daughter that I adopted.)
Two of the girls I adopted were cocaine addicted at birth. This one also had NO prenatal care - NONE. My sister was intoxicated when she gave birth as well.

Ahhh, I didn't realize she was actually one of your nieces. Poor kid. She ws not given a good start but she is blessed to have you looking out for her.

Vi, I checked Amazon and found your book. You got a good review! I'm reading two different books right now and am expecting 3 more from B&N any day, but after that, I will order it.
Hopefully something good will come out of that awful event. Maybe someone will recognize signs in a person they know before they snap.

Mamacat,

When we are kids we have no experience to know that everything will work out. We only see that things look awful to us, and it seems like things will never get better.

I remember when I was 16 and had a fiance in Vietnam and kids my age were getting killed all the time. It seemed life would never improve. I remember after Gary died, when I almost walked myself into the river. I was depressed at the time but had had no suicidal thoughts until all at once there it was, and I thought - I can be with him by afternoon. It took all the strength I had not to do it. By then I was 39. I understand hopelessness.

So, you dear daughter sees only hopelessness. Drugs have been her history and, unfortunately, all of them, even the prescription drugs take their toil. At the time my brother murdered his neighbors he was taking Stellazine, Thorazine, Librium and Valium and a couple of other things, all prescribed by "kindly" doctors.

While I don't know what it's like for your daughter, I do understand despair, and the best cure for despair is for someone to show you that they care. Cherish her, tell her that her soul is special, that she came into this life for a special purpose, that she is loved by us - us Boomer Women. In your heart, in your prayers wrap her in loving kindness - in whatever higher way your heart and beliefs tell you to do. And remember what it was like to be 13 with all those hormones flucutating all over the place. I'm on the tail end of a horrid menopause - and it reminded me of what it was like to be a teenager with out of control hormones.

I've heard said that writers are born, not developed, that you are either born with the gift or you are not. I'm here to say that you can teach yourself to write. I did. When I started writing the story about my brother, what I wrote sounded like I was in the third grade. But I was determined, and I like to think it worked.


Blessings to you. Blessings to your daughter, and if you need to talk one on one, send me a private message, and I will respond.

Western Bluebird - I'm glad found the book. And since it came out in 1993 and did not sell well, I'm not sure how much it helped anyone. But it is my hope that somehow, someway it will still bring blessings to others. I'm pretty frank about how it affected me...I lay myself bare in the book, although I changed everyone else's names. To be less than honest about my reactions would have negated my reason for writing the book.

Love to all of you,
Vi

Mama, sorry to hear about your daughter, know exactly how you feel.
When my son was younger we had to place him in the hospital for over a year and a half. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But, I would do it again to keep him safe.
I'm with Bluebird, your husband should have been by your side.
I'll remember your family in my prayers.