enlighten me

Hello everybody! im in a recovery process from a broken marriage, not really broken since we are just separated physically and emotionally but not legally...it was a bitter and hurtful separation which happened last sept. 2004 and so until now we havent tallked to each other and settled or put closure in our relationship...we have 3 kids, all girls who live with me. he gives his monthly suppors, calls and texts his kids from time to time....about me, i was really devastated with what happened, he was my first love since we were 15 yrs old, married for 10 yrs. in short, been in love with him for 22 years...i want to move on and recover from this loss..what i started doing was building a more intimate and closer relationship with the Lord which i admit was not really that good...my husband doesnt want to talk to me yet about situation but im willing and ready to initiate the talk....whatever decision we make for the present and the future, i hope that i would be able to accept and agree with it....please feel free to reply with my post and looking forward to hear from you guys here....God bless to all

Hi bekya,
Welcome to the site. Many of us here have recovered from separations and broken marriages. Many have been married for years. You will get support from us all in your healing process. You say hyour husband is text messaging his children about you. Is he telling them things about "you" in a good or bad sense? How old are your children?I wish you all the best. Please keep us posted.
chick

Welcome bekya,

Glad to have you here. There are lots of great people here that will help you heal and give you good intended ideas on how to help you.

It is so hard when a couple has marriage troubles. My father used to say it's hard enough in this world to work and be happy but when we are not having success in our marriage it is twice as hard to hold on and make it work. Sounds like you both are ready to end yours. So sorry to hear this.

I will be married 35 years this December and I tell you there were a couple of times when I thought our marriage was over. He cheated and it almost cost the marriage. Glad we worked it out. Don't know if your problem is such or other things, but since you are drawing closer to God, you know prayers will help you in your decisions. HE will lead you and help your mate to see things you can't.

I hope all works out for you. Will be praying for you. Glad you're here.

Sandpiper

It sounds like the marriage has been left up in the air, undecided. Do you want closure or do you want him back? I think that makes a difference. I guess I don't understand why he isn't talking to you. Maybe you could give us some more details, if you feel free to do so, and we could offer some more advice.

Stay strong. We're here for you. Welcome.

Hi Bekya: I am glad you joined BWS- I am sorry for your pain in this situation. Marriage difficulties are always painful and affect all lives involved tremendously.

But I agree with Dianne and others regarding lack of info on our side.

One important issue is that the parents refrain from defaming each other or trying for the kids to take sides, etc. It is important that kids are able to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents. They are the most affected parties in marital conflicts.

Your closer relationship with the Lord is the best source for wisdom and strength. Friends are a great support group too and so is BWS.

If you wish to share more info, please feel free to do so.
I hope you find comfort in knowing that I will be praying for you and yours.

Hello chikadee, sandpiper, dianne and songbird! thanks for welcoming me here...about the details, chikadee, he texts and calls his kids asking them how they are doing at home and school but never asks about me...my kids are all girls, ages 7, 9 and 11..my husband is with the military and we dont have a normal set up of family life since he comes homes from his assignment at least 4 times in a year...i guess i could say the distance became our enemy meaning, in the latter part of our marriage, we have become indifferent to each other and started to drift apart....the fights were present everytime we were together....i could say we havent communicated to each other what was wrong, we never understood each other's needs until it was too late and this happened....you were asking why was my hubby angry at me is becos before this happened, my hubby was accusing me of having an affair...his accusations was based on asking his kids how late i am coming from work, saw me in front of our pc late at nite (accused me of chatting) and dreaming about me with another guy...of course i am not guilty of doing anything wrong except for the chatting which i admitted when i caught him to be with another woman...that led to our actual separation, i caught him and out of my anger, shock and hurt, i admitted to him i was chatting and wished im in love with someone....hurtful and angry words were exchanged during that time...after that, ive heard he was telling our friends he doesnt want me and we're through...at first, ive tried to talk to him, texts him and wrote him letters, telling him how sorry i was and if he could give us another chance, if we could talk...but he just ignored me...it's been almost a year by next month that we are like this, no talk, no communication, nothing between us...if he wants to say something to me, he tells it to my niece who takes care of my kids when im at work...i am talking to a counselor, attending spiritual seminars and talks, attends mass (i am a catholic), read the bible and try to change my bad attitudes and remove all the negative thoughts i have...right now, i have my realizations and understanding on my shortcomings and failures in this marriage and i want to get healed and recover...about my hubby, from time to time, i still think about the pain and hurts he caused me and thats what i want to get healed and recovered from too...to totally forgive him, forgive myself and forgive each other...thats what im praying for, and i trust that the Lord will prepare my hubby and me when the chance to talk and meet again comes...i hope and pray both of us will be ready and have peace in our hearts when that happens....thanks and God bless...

Hi Bekya...step by step asking God for His strength. Although in another lifetime, in another marriage another husband wanted closure. It only took 14 stitches to give him closure.


Gosh, I sure am hoping you got a chuckle out of that. It's not true but if I can get a smile out of you...the lie was worth it...ggg!

Maybe because he's gone so much he doesn't feel the impact of a true seperation. Maybe he's gotten used to being away from you.

I have learned from a lot of experience, to do as you are doing, talk to God about it and hand it over to Him and see what He does with it. Prayer, fasting and working on yourself is all you can do but let go and move yourself out of the way and see what happens. I wouldn't attempt to communicate with him anymore. Sometimes, people only want what they can't have and he betrayed you and it sounds like he transferred it back onto your shoulders. That way, he doesn't have to deal with what he did wrong.

When I was trying to heal from a broken marriage the book A Return to Love by Marrianne Williamson really helped me. I don't have the same beliefs as hers and I completely skipped her chapter on reincarnation but that book really helped me to look at myself in a different way. It sounds like you might be beating up on yourself too much. That will stop the healing more than anything.

I wish you peace in this and all other matters. I'm glad you found us!

Hello Dianne and Thistle Cove Farm! I wish u well today....thanks for the replies...God is really good all the time....He let me found this site and met you.....

bekya

bekya, I am also glad you found this site. I'm proud of you for leaning on the Lord during this difficult time in your life. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you are certainly growing into a more beautiful person who is more aware of Christ's presence in your life. He will reveal your next step. Just try to take it a day at a time.

Please tell us more about your little girls. Wow! Three, and so close in age. I bet they keep you busy. You mentioned a niece. Do you live near the rest of your family?

Hello Dotsie! Reading inspirational books, messages and attending spiritual seminars had really helped me to turn to God in these trying times...As they say, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it...."My 3 girls are my inspiration, the reason for my existence, i mean who give me me joys and enjoy my life...I am learning a lot from them just as they learn from me...I'm glad I was able to keep up with their interests and likes....I spend my weekends with them since I'm a working mother...We live at my parents house so they also look after my girls when Im at work, plus a niece who stays with us since my eldest was still a baby and she takes care of them....my family and friends have been supportive ever since, thats why i could say it has been smooth recovery and healing for me....the pain of my hubby's absence in my life is still here but everytime i feel sad, i just look up and say, " Lord, please take care of this pain, im surrendering it to you" and thats it, im ok again....there's always joy after the pain....God bless....

bekya, I'm glad to hear you have the support of your parents, family and friends. That and our faith is all there is to hold onto during difficult times.

You are smart to stay focused of God by reading inspirational books and attending spiritual seminars.

I'm forever reading and I thought I'd share a great book I just finished. It's called
big girls don't whine: Getting On with the Great Life God Intends, by Jan Silvious. Great title, huh? The book is even better. I am working on whining less. I love it when books encourage me to change.

hello everyhbody! i hope you are all fine...just like to share some what ive read...i believe God wants me to be happy....and He wants the best for my life...
however, its up to me to discern where is that happiness lies for me...
God...in his goodness...would never limit me in my potential to be a good and happy person..
go where my gifts would be more maximize....meet new friends....
coz when a day ends...its me and Him will talk and I will say...thank you God, for letting me know my happiness

Bekya, you are on the right track. Many of us lose out becasue we have a hard time grasping the joy God intends for us. Stay focused on His joy for you. Have you heard from your husband? Is he away at this time?

hello dotsie!
how are u? hope ur always fine...i'm so glad that ive found u here and even though we are faceless, i know ive found friends here....yes, i still hear from my husband because he still communicates and see our kids like during his birthday last week...i let them give gift to their dad...as of now, this is just what im praying and hoping for, that my husband & i be friendly and civil to each other for our kids...as for our relationship as husband and wife, i have surrendered and gave it to the Lord who definitely knows what's best for us....God bless....

bekya, maintaining a friendly relationship for the sake of the kids is vital. You are being a very wise woman. I pray you remain faithful during this time. God is at work within you and guiding your next path. This pain will be worthwhile. I believe everything in life is a stepping stone for what is to come. Just be sure to look for the blessings in every day.

Bekya, it sounds as though your husband wants his cake at to eat it too. After all this time has passed with no solution in site, maybe it is time to make a move towards finalizing the separtion. No man that loves his wife would be estranged from her for so long, no man. You have found God and that is good but you also deserve the love of a good man or at leas the freedom to pursue another form of happiness. Just my opinioin. You can be civil for the girls if you want to be but this is not teaching them to be strong, healthy women in their relationships to come.

[ August 26, 2005, 01:04 AM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Bekya, I've been single for a long time, 15 years, but I remember the pain. The one thing I learned is that most men don't get it until they experience the loss. If a husband turns his back on you, and you want him back, the worst thing you can do is try to keep him. (I learned this the hard way). He needs to feel the loss. I would file for divorce and move on, get some support, such as a divorce recovery group, etc. After he sees that you are on your own 2 feet, feeling good about yourself, getting a life (you are used to being on your own anyway I bet) there is a chance he will come back. And if he doesn't you will be stronger and will be able to handle it. I've heard this theory discussed by Dr. James Dodson.

My experience has been that the crappier you treat them, the better they like it.

I'm sorry you have to go through this pain.

Daisygirl

Beckya,
I believe all marriages are flawed in one way or another and we should give whatever marriage we are in, especially if we have children, every opportunity to succeed.

That said, the Bible appears to give two justifications for ending a marriage. One is infidelity and the other is abandonment. It sounds as if you have been abandonned so according to how you interpret the Scripture, you may have justification for a divorce should you decide to pursue one.

However, the over riding message of the Bible is Love. And with the love that only God can place in our heart, you have the option of forgiving your husband and continuing the marriage. However, are commanded to love our neighbor, we are commanded to love ourselves so you should not sacrifice yourself for anything, including a marriage. Maybe you can keep the marriage and be kind to yourself at the same time if you seek counseling, perhaps first for yourself and then for you and your husband together.

Though he might not be accepting now, with prayer, things change.
smile

Hello ladies! How are you all? Hope you are all doing great...I am fine, getting stronger emotionally, physically and spiritually.. my girls are all fine. i admit I am in the "wait and see" situation now...i admit it is very difficult...i admit I still love my husband and I want my family to be whole again....i have realized our marriage is a sacred union, a commitment i made not only with my husband but with God....beside the fact that divorce is not allowed here in our country, i dont see it as an option...neither will I resort to church annulment (we were married in the catholic church)...aside from that, if Il be the one to file for it, I cant afford it...it is too costly here...about my connection or contact with him, the only thing I ask or run after him is his monthly financial support becos we are paying a loan which I cant afford to pay on my own...I am trying to stand on my own, providing financial, physical, emotional, material needs of our kids..it is hard but no complain or whining on my part becos the Lord is with me...i have decided to find happiness, peace and joy in my present situation now, having a good job, spending quality time with my kids, having family and friends around me, having friends here in the net like u...and i am not waiting on my husband per se, but on God's plan in our lives, if he comes back and we will be whole again, that's wonderful, but if he doesnt, then il accept and il be prepared for the kind of life God has planned for me....God bless all and take care

bekya, attitude is everything. SOunds like you are doing well.

You mention that divorce isn't allowed in your country. Is that because of your faith? What happens if sone does become divorced? Are they shunned by society?

Hi Dotsie!
Yes, there is no divorce law here and i could attribute that to the fact that we are a catholic country, meaning most of the population practices catholicism. Couples who decided to separate for good can file for a legal separation or annulment which is done in court if they are married in civil rites and church annulment if they are married in church...Most Filipinos who want to get married again either go out of the country or convert into another religion...

I find this very sad. I believe in marriage wholehearted. Don't get me wrong. But I know there are women who suffer at the hands of their spouses and this saddens me that they must feel no escape. I'm so glad this isn't your case.

hello! im just suffering emotionally but not physically....and i am able to go thru life by holding on to God, seeing His everyday blessings in our lives....i still have sad moments from time to time, just flashes and doesnt make me feel depress or down...i could truly say that i am able to deal with the pain well....i have my kids, family and friends, what more can i ask for? God Bless u all here....

Bekya, I am so happy to hear that your faith is sustaining you. I hope you'll consider joining us in the other forums as you have time.

hello everybody!

i hope everything is well for all of u...am reading a book by one of the Filipino pastors, its about "Your freedom-power for SUCCESS"...it was given to me by my sis-in-law, sister of my husband...it really helps me when i read inspirational stories and messages...but there are still moments in my life when i have questions...there are still moments that i think of my husband but not about the happy moments but the pain and hurts....i know God is working on me...i trust and believe in His power....am more concerned now becos of whats happening in my kids' lives especially in their school performance...for the first grading, they have dropped from their top 10 class standing...am sadden with this...u think they were affected with what happened between me and their dad? i dont want to think about it and would like to think and believe subjects and school activities are become harder now....my hubby and i havent talked to them together...it was only i who told them about our separation, that me and their dad will not be living together now...my kids' ages are 11, 9 and 7...they dont know whats happening in their dad's life...all they know is that he's busy with his job...i hope u can give me some advice and messages...thanks and God bless to all...
Bekya

Bekya I am sure that as the children move up into higher grades the structure of the assignments become much harder. I would be lying not to say that what is going on between you and your husband has affected the children to some extent. They are at very impressional ages, not babies but certainly not old enough either to make any sense of it. Children are always affected even if they are adults themselves and have their own children. Be as honest with them as you can and always keep them in the loop. I mean share what is going on so they don't feel to blame in any way. I hope and pray your ordael gets easier and know that the children will be alright as time passes. Just remember they are more perceptive than we like to believe so be honest with them always. God bless you all....

hello everyone!
how are you all? hope everything's well....im getting more ok everyday....i cant say ive totally recovered but i just learned how to deal with the pain... am still confused on 2 things....either totally live my life as a single mom to my 3 girls, my present situation OR still try to convince my hubby that i want us to be family again and we need him....im telling myself i have forgiven him and myself but why is it that i want him to come back for his kids as their dad but i cant accept him as my husband ...he's still on my mind but more on the painful thoughts...i know God continues to work on me and i have surrendered everything to Him but as in human nature, its still difficult to let go....i hear things about him and i still react sometimes especially about him being in financial difficulties...the truth is, i dont believe it and i dont feel any sympathy becos what i believe in is he is with someone else who helps him....
i hope you can enlighten me and share some of your thoughts...
God bless everyone....

Bekya, I am happy to hear you are reading books with good messages. At times like this you have to take in all the goodness you can.

I believe what you are going through is totally normal. You parented children together and that creates a tremendous bond.

I think the best thing to do is talk with him, and the girls. First speak with him and tell him your thoughts. See if he's on the same page. If not, then you need to carry on. I'm sure it's apinful, but try to remember the pain will subside in time. Keep taking life one day at a time and turn to God for strength. He'll be sure to give it to you.

Give yourself a big hug for hanging in there and hug the kiddies too!