My Step Father - Congested Heart Failure

Things are not going well. The Congested Heart Failure (CHF) is getting worse. His heart is operating at only 15% capacity. He will feel well for a week or so, then down hill, and doc changes medications. Was feeling really good last week, then over the weekend had heartburn like pain, doc says its a side affect of medications, so prescribed another two (2) of which make him dizzy, tired and appetite loss.

Mom says he's afraid to be alone, thus difficult for her to shop and take care of house. When she goes out to run errands, he will call her every 15 minutes and ask where she is. He's having trouble remembering, so she goes w/ him to all appointments. He's afraid, she's afraid that he's afraid, making her very afraid.

We don't want to lose him. We've never been close, so I don't know how to help, and when I do it only angers Mom.

Seems that each medicine prescribed will either work for a while or he will experience nearly every side effect warning.

Told Mom (again) that he needs to retire, she gets angry at me stating he won't, he'd die if he retired. Yet, he can't get around and forgets where he is. The last episode he was in FL on business and in hospital for 8 days. Mom says he'll be fine, then tells me tonight he might have 6 months all in the same conversation.

I don't know how to comfort my mother. We've never been close, she's never been supportive of me, and likes it when I suffer. Also, she never protected from child sexual abuse (2 uncles). So, I don't know how to comfort her b/c I was never comforted as a child.

I don't know what to do.

I know my step-father is very afraid, yet trying to be brave. Mom has to help him walk. She can't afford to finacially retire. Yet, will take early Social Security to help financially.

He's afraid of dying, feels physically and emotionally disoriented. Has begun attending church again, another fear reaction.

Gawd, I just feel awful knowing what his mental thoughts are and that I can't help.

Is there a forum somewhere to ask about CHF?

What can I do?

As I type this, I may ask Mom if she wants me to come to the house and clean while she shops, thus I can keep an eye on step-father. Or, if she gives me a list, I can do her shopping/errands while she sits w/ him.

I'm just lost, sitting here and useless b/c I can't and don't know how else to help.

I don't want to lose my step-father, none of us do.

Mustang, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have anything to offer except my prayers for you and your family.

Mustang, I'm holding you in heart and prayers tonight. What an agony you're going through. I hope and pray that you will feel our love and support surrounding you tonight and through this troubling time. Hang in there...and don't give up asking your Mom what you can do to help...offering to clean the house and watch over your stepfather while she goes out to run errands sounds like a great idea - very useful and helpful!

Again, keeping you in heart and prayer throughout the night and coming days...

Mustang, there are two ways where you might be able to help them out. Medically, it is out of your hand as is often the case in these circumstances. You can only do what is within your ability for your step-Dad's physical comfort. There is, however, another thing which you can do for him which would preoccupy his thoughts and give him peace. You mentioned that he has gone back to Church. Perhaps, you can find him some reading materials with regards to that. There are many which are peacefully reflective, and healing. It might helps towards that element of fear. You can also ask if he would also want to speak to someone from Church.

As for your Mom, helping out with shopping and the house would help greatly. Both of you can perhaps find the comfort you seek under the circumstances. In this case, you can allow conduct to reflect what you want to say.

It is admirable that you continue to reach out to your Mom, Mustang. For that you are blessed and I shall carry all of you in prayer.

It sounds to me like you DO know how to help and comfort. I believe you are doing those very things.

Is it possible for you to just show up and ask for a list, or tell her she can go because you are there and can help?

Also, my mom had CHF and I never recall it disrupting her memory unless she was low on oxygen. Is it possible he is a little disoriented because he needs oxygen? Just wondering if they could do a little test on that. The two things don't seem to go together. Have you mentioned the disorientation to his doctor, or have they?

sounds like your mom is afraid, too... mostly of the uncertainty... the inability to fix things.
we sometimes say the darndest things when in situations like yours. we should not be held accountable, because often times it is our way of releasing the anguish and anxiety we are experiencing.
pretend you are your mom, and ask yourself what it is that your daughter could do for you that would be most comforting.
this is how I started creating a relationship with my mom. i pretended to be her to get a grasp on where she was coming from. having learned more about her life over the past four years made it much easier.
i never was a part of our family, but now, of the eight children, she is constantly asking for me. it is amazing... it took me reversing roles and breaking through a whole lot of heart felt hurt - garbage from my family life - to open a door for an honest friendship.

note - my shift keys all of a sudden quit working, so capitalizing is out... as soon as my dh returns, i will have a new keyboard and i will use caps again - sorry

So sorry to hear about your Step Father. And I must commend you for wanting to help out and comfort your mother knowing that she was unable to comfort you when you needed it.

You are helping when you listen. You don't have to give her answers, just listen and let her release.

As far as doing errands for her, she might prefer to get out and do them herself and have something in her life she has control over. It might be nice if you could just come and sit with your step father to asuage her fears.

Again, best to you and yours. I am sorry you are having so much pain in your life right now.

My step-father is back in the hospital, been in ER since 11 PM last night and checked in at noon today. I'm so worried, frightened, guilt riddent. I prayed that God would take me, I'm an angry useless person; whereas my step-father whose physical heart is failing, his soulful heart is so much more than mine. I prayed for God to take my heart and give it to my step-father. By giving him life, my mysery is gone and he could live and i'd be at peace.

((((Mustang)))) you are not useless! I can feel how much you're hurting and I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain. Please be easier on yourself. We love you.

Mustang, one of the hardest things in life to deal with is to helplessly stand by watching the pain and suffering of a loved one. How many times did I bargain with God while at the bedside of my brother...take me, Lord, I'm the one who wants to come "Home"...

It just doesn't work that way. And that can be painful to accept, especially when we watch someone else suffer such pain and misery. You and I are alive because God does still need us - even when we can't see or figure out why or how - but as long as we continue to breathe, it's because we're meant to be here. We each have our story that nobody else can live or write, and we each have our own journey that only we can walk...and we each have our own ending to the story and journey that nobody else can finish for us. It's taken me a lot of loss to come to grips with the unfairness of life and death...or at least come to a grudging acceptance that life simply is not fair to all and that some deaths will never make sense.

My heart grieves with you in this agony...I know what a frightening, excruciating place it is...I'm keeping you and your step-father in heart and prayer.

Oh Mustang, so sorry you are suffering. Eagle answers your questions and anguish so very well. PL

mustang, while your comment sounds very sad to me, I know their are time we'd like to switch places with the scikly person. But as Eagle says, it's not God's will.

I recall my sister being on a stretcher in the ER with a very scary lung issue. Dad said, "Oh honey, that should be on that stretcher, not you."

I'm praying for God to touch your heart and awaken you to His reasoning for all of this heartache.

How very sad for you all. Mustang I have asked our prayer circle to add you and your family to our daily prayers. Gods blessing to you all.

Mustang,
I have you in my heart and in my prayers.
Luv,

Dear Mustang: I am sorry you and your family are going through so much pain right now. Helplessness preys on us and brings us down. Each of us has a part to do in God's plan.... Our dear Eagle expressed it so well...

Please remember God loves your stepfather dearly. He loves you dearly too. Let me share with you part of the Word of God, hoping it strengthens you and yours during this difficult time. Remember we love you too.

Isaiah 43
1But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.

4Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.

Mustang, the rivers of troubles and difficulties will not drown us, thou it may seem so at times. The fire of troubles and discouragement shall not consume us. God is with us. We are of so much value to Him.

I'm sending you comforting hugs and may you find total comfort in the arms of God. I'm praying for you and yours... Blessings!

Any update?

Thank you ladies, it was determined that the medication was complicating his health. He's home and feeling better. Even went out to dinner and a movie. Your prayers are a blessing.

That's amazing. Don't you think so?

We are in a situation right now iwht a loved one and we believe medication is causing complications too. I'll tell ya - when it works, it's a dream, but when it doesn't - it can be a nightmare.

Glad to hear he's doing better.

Isn't that something Mustang? How wonderful! Very good news, indeed!

Mustang, how is everything going?
Dotsie, did your loved one get the meds straightened out?

chickadee, thank you for asking. he's doing ok, some medicine adjustments, liquid complications, and he's finally decided to retire and take social security w/ disability.

Thanks for asking chick. Yes, after 30 days in a few hospitals, the doctors got him back on track. I've never been so amazed by reactions in medications in my life. We went from thinking our loved one would need to be in a care facility, to going home without any paid care a couple weeks later. Turns out that it was an anti-depressant that began all the unbelievable behavior.

Mustang, do you think he's doing the right thing?

Dotsie, what kind of behavior?