Curiousity

I wish there was a magic bullet for this conversation. I was married to an alcoholic for 11 years and my younger son took his first drink at 8. I didn't know it at the time. His addiction really began to bloom in junior high and escalated most of his teen years. He was in and out of jail, rehab, etc. He's been clean and sober with one slip for a year now. He's still got legal issues because addiction is difficult.

If your kids have one or more addictive parent, they are going to be more prone to addiction of some sort or another. They have found the gene, I believe. Teens also think they can conquer everything, as someone mentioned. They haven't quite figured out that they can die.

My son was "different" and he used drugs to hide the pain. I also found out this last year that he had been abused as a little boy by a neighbor. Big pain. Big addiction.

I made it through by always loving him, but always setting boundaries. Frankly, there were times I counted the days until he turned 18. But he always had to face his consequences. I learned not to rescue. So letting your kids know up front what your consequences are if they drug/drink, and yet providing them with lots of love and support for other activities, seems to me to be the best way to go.

Stephy, your aunt didn't have to sell her house. She chose to sell her house. There's a difference. In one case your aunt is the victim. In another she has the power of choice. We all have that power.

Sorry for the long-windedness. It's a hot button! :-))

Physiologically speaking, the teen years are when the function of the frontal lobe and many other areas of the brain are developing. Like a muscle, the brain must be exercised to develop properly.

The frontal lobe contains the 'brakes' of our brain. It is the location of our conscience, our inhibitions, and our super ego. It is where our impulses are controlled. It must be used to develop.

It is also one of the areas most affected by drug use. As a result, it may be physiologically impossible for long term drug users to exercise impulse control or gain focus. If they are forced to use that part of their brain repeatedly as in rehab, it is possible to develop a degree of strength. But imagine what would happen if you put a cast on your child's leg before his leg muscles were developed. Or even your own leg for a long period of time. After a while, it might be impossible to regain function of the muscles. Long term drug use especially in a young developing brain can destroy the entire function of parts of the brain to the point where it can never be regained.

That same principle applies to mood altering pharmaceuticals. If the drug eliminates the need for the brain to use its 'muscles' to fight depression and develop focus, it may never become strong enough to handle the sadness of life or to focus on its own.

There is certainly therapeutic need for pharmaceuticals in some cases, but indiscriminate use of drugs that affect brain function, especially prior to adulthood when the brain is developing, scares me.

smile

[ April 10, 2006, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Casey I do feel for your son..."big pain big addiction" is something I understand. I come from that place too...
There's just so many 'reasons' why people start drinking or using drugs. Usually as youngsters or teens it's just to fit in or to have fun. That's how it was with me, but i know that once I discovered alcohol's painkilling effects, that's kind of all she wrote for me.
I do believe you are doing right by your son by making him deal with the consequences of his own actions. So many parents enable their kids to keep on using, simply by handling all the bad things for them...Or trying to ignore what's happening, thinking they're just going through a phase or something.
I have quit drinking/drugging before but it was always because someone in my life thought I needed to & put me in rehab, then I'd always go right back to it as soon as I got out. This time (and it's still really new right now)I'm not doing it for anyone but me. I've not gotten very far yet, but the big thing I have noticed is how different it feels that I want it for myself this time.

Good for you Chowhuahua!! keep up the good work:)

Congratulations, Chowhuahua - it takes a great deal of strength and determination to do what you're doing. I haven't had any experience with drugs, and rarely drink; however, I have a cousin who has never been able to kick the habit. He is now 54 years old, has two ruined marriages, no job, and is living at home with his mother. That sweet lady is in counseling now - he is ruining her life as well as his own. I wish I knew how to tell him to move out and straighten up; but like you said, you have to do it for yourself. I'm proud of you.

chow, your choice to do it for yourself and no one else is what is amking the difference. I'm behind youone hundred percent and welcme you to keep us up to date if that helps. We're here for you to make the changes you want to make. Keep up the good work...

Chow,
Big hugs. Remember us when the dark spots hit. We are hear in a big love circle for you. What you are doing so awesome!

Neither side of the addict/co-addict coin is exactly easy. And I don't think, as a society, we've figured this out at all. So many of our kids are unhappy for some reason or another and we haven't given them the support they need or the knowledge that there are choices. I know my son is/was very bright and he was bored to tears in school, but because he didn't fit the right mold, he couldn't get into gifted programs.

Keep up the good work, Chow!

Thanks...All the support is really appreciated. I'm actually just a few days from 2 months sober. That just blows my mind. Except for times I have been hospitalized (and had no choice) I don't think I've gone much over a week or two between drinks since I was in Jr High. It just got so bad for me about the last year or so I had to do something....All I could see for a future was drinking myself into oblivion (i used to love that place so much) every night until there was a morning that I just didnt wake up. And I really think I was hoping that day would come pretty soon. It is so important to do this kind of thing for yourself rather than the other people in your life. But doing it FOR yourself doesnt mean doing it BY yourself. I dont do AA but I have had such a huge amount of support from a wonderful friend that it has made these early days of sobriety alot easier than they sometimes can be.
There's also the issue of therapy I have started just recently too (i know, alot to take on at once). Finally dealing with the sexual, physical & emotional abuse that made up the biggest part of my childhood. The big thing is...this is hard enough the first time around, I'm not really wanting to wipe out the work I've done in therapy by drinking...and then have to do it again.
If you get my drift....

[ April 12, 2006, 02:11 AM: Message edited by: chowhuahua ]

Chow, my daughter just celebrated her six month of sobriety. She's still in a halfway house, by choice, and is slowly healing her body.

I want to tell you how proud you should be of yourself. Good for you!

Chow, Yes, get your drift! :-))
Powerful issues to deal with. HUGS.

Chow.......I was raised with an alcholic father, and it hurt me so much to see him fade away.
I applaud you for your wanting to make a better life for YOURSELF!
No one else can do it but YOU!
Congrats girl!!!!!
Lynne

Just want to thank you guys again...

Considering things that are going in the last couple of days, I'm really wondering where that 'need a drink' feeling went. In the past it seems like the littlest thing would set that off & I'd be drunk in no time.
I had the hardest therapy session yet on Monday, meaning we dug in underneath this wall of anger that I guess I'd been using as a coverup for so much pain & sadness. And man I'd SOOO rather be pissed off. And had a panic attack during a relaxation exercise (go figure) & never really had panic attacks before.....Then later that night I went through a kinda/sorta breakup, not really even sure if that's the right name to give it but just saying I lost my friend doesn't even come close to conveying the depths of it.
I guess I'm just not sure why I'm not wanting a drink now & is it going to come up & bite me in the ass sometime when I least expect it. I know I've been mostly pretty numb so far, with little episodes of sadness mingled in. I dont know, maybe this is something I'm worrying about that I dont really need to stress over right now...But I guess it's also good to be aware...Dont know. A little lost right now I guess.

Chow, Keep breathing. You are so very brave. Lots of things will change for you as you move away from the life you used to live. Numbness is pretty normal during therapy, especially when you deal with big traumas. So is feeling lost. I remember thinking at some point during my own therapy, "OK, this man has made me let go of 90% of my beliefs about my life and who I am. Now what????? What do I put in the hole that's left?"

But it came. Slowly the power came to be my own person, to trust in a Higher Power. I'm still learning, but I've gotten to the point where I enjoy the journey.

HUGS