I may be opening up a can of worms, but here goes... I come from a family of long-term marriages. One set of great-grandparents married very young and remained married til they both died in their 90s--must have been married around 70 years. Same goes for another set of great-gps. My maternal gps were married almost 60 years before they both died in their mid 80s. My paternal gm was widowed twice, but both marriages were very long-term--she is now 90. My parents have been married 45 years. And several sets of aunts and uncles are nearing their 40th anniversaries. Then we reach my generation, and things change.

I currently hold the record for longest married of this set--by a long shot. We are nearing our 21st anniversary. My brother is still healing from his second divorce--neither marriage lasted more than 5 years. A cousin is also going through a second divorce--first lasted 2 years, second lasted 13 years. Other cousins are younger, and those who are married have been so around 3 to 7 years.

I won't go into great detail, but I am absolutely sure that MY marriage will not last. The thought of spending 20, 30, 40, 50 more years together--it just isn't going to happen. We married very young, and we now have nothing in common and our future goals are absolutely incompatible. He wants to spend the next several decades slowing down and living a simple life. I want to gear up and get moving into the most exciting and adventurous years of my life. My dreams terrify him, and his dreams bore me to tears. We will not be sitting on the porch rockers together as we age. We will each go our own way--happily into the sunset, just not together.

I also see the same things happening with other family members in my generation. No one seems to be emulating the marriages of our ancestors. We used to take for granted that everyone would have silver and golden anniversaries--and beyond. Now, I am realizing that it probably won't happen for any of us--at least not the golden and beyond. And I am wondering--is this a 21st century trend?

The other day I was around several older couples who had been married 50 plus years. When I look at them, I think of my ancestors. And to be honest, I no longer see it the way I used to see it. Instead of thinking it is sweet for people to be in love for so long, I begin to think---who is giving up their dreams. I just know that I am not the same person I was when I got married--I have completely changed, and my hopes and dreams for the future have changed as well. And I think I am not in a minority when I say that two people usually grow apart and away from each other, not together. There are a lucky few who seem to enjoy the same things all through life, but most long-term couples I know have made a LOT of compromises--and that often means that someone has supressed their dreams in honor of the other person's dreams. Unless you have the same dreams, most will take you in opposite directions from each other.

When looking at my female ancestors, most of them gave up their personal dreams and followed their husband's dreams. The advice I have been given over the years from these women boils down to this--follow your husband's lead. They would advise me to suppress my wishes in favor of my husband's. If he wants to retire and fish every day, I should learn to fish and go with him. I am not suppose to go off and do my own thing--I am to "submit" to his authority--he is suppose to make the decisions and lead the family. To all of this I say--HELL NO!! I refuse to be the quiet, submissive wife who spends her life always regretting the fact that she never did the things SHE wanted to do. I am turning my back against tradition--I could not stand to swallow my dreams and go through the motions of living someone else's dreams for years and years. How do people do it?!! Is it selfish to want to "go your own way" and "do your own thing" once the kids are grown? I see the majority of couples in my generation doing this--and I think it is a healthier way to live.

Not to knock those who truly have the same goals for 50 years or more--more power to them. I guess each person in those couples did very little changing over the years so that decades later they still have the same goals. Or they somehow were able to grow together instead of apart. The old saying "Opposites Attract" was true for me in the beginning--now it is about to bite me in the butt! I wonder if two people who marry later in life--maybe in their 30s/40s--who have a LOT in common and share the same goals for the next several decades--maybe they have a much better chance. But those of us who married young and married someone who was our opposite--I just don't see much hope. At least not if they both want to spend the rest of their lives fulfilling their own personal dreams and goals. Polar opposites can only stay together for so long--they eventually tire of the strong pull away from each other and go their own directions. I think each of us will feel tremendous relief when we are able to stop trying so hard to swim upstream and can relax and float in our own directions. I know I am getting to my saturation point and and almost ready to let go.

Once our generation begins to reach our 80s and 90s, I wonder if there will be very many golden anniversaries and beyond. I think that couples who have been married 50 years or more will be a very rare thing. It may even be very hard to find couples who made it to their silver anniversary. I imagine that we will be ranting and raving about any couple who makes it to their first deacde together!

I guess it is a generational thing--I know in my family it definitely seems to be that way. Starting with my generation--there may be parties for the first decade anniversaries, but I don't expect to be going to very many silver or golden ones. And I have come to the conclusion that this fact is not neccesarily a bad thing. At least my generation will fulfill their dreams instead of suppressing them. I think there will be fewer deathbed regrets if everyone is able to live a fulfilled life of their own making. I think my generation has learned that a person has to make their own happiness--that it cannot be found in someone else.

I feel that our ancestors stayed in unhappy marriages and lost themselves within the marriage because it was just the thing to do. God forbid they get divorced and make the entire family look bad. Divorce was such an ugly word.

Can you pursue your own interests and stay married? Would your husband be comfy with this? Explore what you've always dreamed about on your own without any negative response or actions? Be allowed to be yourself or the woman you want to become without back lash?

Hi Kate,
Interesting discussion topic. I have been with my husband for 30 years - 7 living together and 23 married. We met when I was 17 and he was 19, and have been together ever since.

We have both grown and changed, but I think me more-so than him. As I have aged, I've become more confident in myself and my skills, and have many dreams I would like to fullfill. My husband has always been very supportive of my ideas and dreams, but not really actively involved in them.

I think that is the one thing that is hard about our marriage - I love going to company parties, conferences, theme parks, busy places, etc. He hates crowds and lines and talking to people he doesn't really know or want to get to know. So at this time, and I imagine into the future, I will continue to do what I like to do, and he'll stay home or hang with his family/friends.

He doesn't mind when I do these things, and I don't mind if he wants to stay home, but I feel in the long run, we WILL need to find more things to do together, especially after the kids are all gone (3 years to go!). While I don't mind doing lots of things without him, I DO want to share adventures and events with him as well.

We rarely fight or argue, since we both have always been comfortable with the fact that we are different from each other (mostly in social situations) and must allow these differences in respect to each other. Sometimes I dream about living alone and doing what I want all the time without worrying about anyone else, but that seems to be a little fantasy I have when things are stressful around here and it soon passes.

While it may sound fun to be on my own again, I do love having someone to come home to at the end of the day, and someone who knows me so well that I don't have to explain every little thing. While our lives may not be the most exciting and passionate of married couples on earth (but it is good!), the grass may not always be greener on the other side.

My 2 cents!

Kathy

I was married for 41 years, and on June 27th I was Legally Separated from my husband.
No divorce because I will be able to stay on his medical and dental insurance.
We should have called it quits after the first year of marriage, but as said above, the ladies weren't raised in our time to give up on the marriage. We were to stay in it and suffer!!
After everyone was told that we had separated, the response was, "It's about time!!!"
Even my two daughters agree.
Can you believe we get along so much better now.
I've moved into a new condo and he's helped me in every way to get settled.
I've sold my house and we close on Aug. 4th.
In no way..........don't stay in a marriage if you aren't happy in it.
I started to have panic attacks about ten years into the marriage because I just couldn't change into what he wanted me to be, and mentally I was fighting it all the way.
No more panic attacks!!!!
Still in therapy, but that's just to help me on my way.
Oh......I was married at 18 and have never been on my own.
Yes, I have that feeling of being very lonely at times even tho' I have my daughters, grandsons, and tons of friends.
And don't ask me why I feel lonely........he travels on his job and was never home anyway.
Good luck to you.........but please remember........
You and on YOU can make yourself happy.
No one else will take care of you, except YOU!!!!
Lynne

As for staying together and going our own way--not going to work. His dream--his idea of a happy life--is about going back to his hometown in the rural south!! My dream is more LA/NYC--not just to visit, but to live!! So, while he wants to fish every day in the backwoods of hicktown, I want to live and work in the greatest city in the world!! Not sure how we could work that one out! He has NO desire to live in LA or NYC--he has no desire to even visit! And I would DIE--absolutely DIE in rural hicksville!! Kind of sounds like Green Acres--huh? Except I'm no Eva Gabor--I cannot--no I WILL not--live the rest of my life as a farm wife/fisherwoman/country girl! Also sounds like the story of the Country Mouse and City Mouse! How did we ever get together in the first place?!! Well, I will admit that I used to think country living might be charming, but now I HATE the idea!!! But most of all--he LOVES his backwoods hometown and HATES big cities, and I feel the EXACT opposite!! SO--unless one of us lives a miserable life, we will have to go our own ways. And where we want to live is not the only problem we have--we truly have NOTHING in common and do not share ANY life goals! Think rural southern redneck versus sophisticated city girl! I was partly that way when we married, but I have grown much more refined with age. What was I thinking back then?!!!

Here's what I think about the older, long term marriages. People didn't just stay together because it was scandalous to divorce or one gave up a dream for the other. I'm sure some fell into each of these catagories, but I think there were other reasons.
Years ago, people used to "court". A man would come to the woman's house and get to know her with her parents and siblings around. They'd sit on the living room couch or the front porch and just talk. Maybe after a while they'd hold hands, but it wasn't all about the sex! They wouldn't live together first. They also didn't have all the distractions that we do today, to avoid getting to know each other on the heart level. And once they did marry and society was telling them that divorce was not an option, they were probably more content with each other instead of looking for someone better. They did not have contraception so they have kids right away and that made them more resposible to stay together. There wasn't as much porn. There was no "no fault" divorce and divorce lawyers had to make an effort to keep the couple together.
Now I did everything wrong myself!! I met my husband when I was only 17, jumped into bed immediately, lived with him first, never lived on my own...I've always told myself that divorce is not an option (murder...maybe ;-)and I do have a lot of kids, that I would never want to hurt. My husband and I are learning to be more relaxed with each other, not changing the other, but not being afraid to let the other change. I'm in my 26th. year of marriage now, and it is HARD. But, not impossible. I made my vow to God and He has to help me and only he can release the vow.
My (long winded) two cents!

Hi, KateRyan2012: On your second post: can a middle ground be sought rather than extremes so that the preferred environment of each can be met? A re-location perhaps to somewhere like upstate NY where the city is there for you and the country pursuits are also available to him.

For many people, that would work--but not for him. When we married, we moved to several places--some rural and some big cities. All he ever talks about is returning to HIS hometown in Alabama!! He will NEVER be happy living anywhere else. He often threatens to leave and go back to Ala, no matter where we live. He hates any place but what he calls "home". I have never met anyone like this--it's really a crazy obsession! He goes back as much as possible--and the fishing is his big thing. We tease him because he acts like there are no fish anywhere else!!!! He says stuff like--"I know that place like the back of my hand". Anyway--point is, he just "wants to go home"--but that place is not home to me, it is hell! So there is no room for compromise on this one!

I should also add that my husband is not what I'd call my soul mate. If I had to choose today, I'd choose differently. If I was a Christian when we met, I never even would have gone out with someone like him! I do think that people in their 30's and 40's, with a good relationship with God, make much better choices when it comes to a partner. But as I said, I made a vow and if I thought I had reasons that were good enough, I'd leave. But so far, I haven't had any that were good enough to break up a family.
God gives me strength.

Hi, Jackie: I totally agree with your first post from "Years ago...stay together". Pretty much how my courtship and married life was. Similarly with choosing someone of like mind as in your second entry. But I reached a cross road two years ago between the vows of marriage till death and letting go for reason good enough. My husband joined the priesthood after 30 years of marriage. He was in the middle of his diaconate before we met and he left to get married. And since the children have grown up and I am not in any way encumbered financially, I had to let go. I would have wanted for us to grow old together but something much stronger than both of us dictated otherwise. It was a heartbreaking decision for the rest of the family to find the balance firsthand between temporal and spiritual choices. It would have been easier where it concerns "...let no man put asunder." But, we gave him back to God and that's where my marriage rests. Am I happy? God always opens a window.