I need your help. Am I being overly hysterical or are my feelings justified?

Okay, some history here. My husband loaned his youngest son $35,000 (without ever telling me anything about it and it was from our joint account). The loan was to get him out of his upside down car lease and the problem was he was over in his mileage and this was due to going to concerts every week end, etc. He knew the lease was coming to an end and never tried to cut back on trips. Also, he hasn't really had a job for two years. Plus, some of the money went to pay off his girlfriend's credit cards. And, I said girlfriend, not wife.

Well, it hit the fan as you can well imagine. Same old routine of the wife being the last to know or taken into consideration and as the good old boys network states, "It's HIS money." We had a few "discussions" about this with my husband's promise to never do anything like this again.

So, I go to the bank today to make a deposit and of course, I'm on a first name basis with the people who work there and William says to me, "So, you guys might be getting into the liquor store business, eh?" I'm like...eh' what are you talking about?

"Oh, I called your husband last week and told him the liquor store down the street is for sale and wanted to let him know in case he was interested in buying it. Your stepson was here this morning to get the address and information. Just think, your stepson might be working close by!"

First of all, I felt like an idiot for being in the black as usual but tried to make a nice recovery with, "Oh, I don't know what he's up to." The uncaring wife when I really felt like the left out wife again.

So, I called my husband and he's like...oh please, we're just checking into it!

I'm hyper-sensitive in these matters because I'm always treated like the redheaded stepchild. The last to know. Even if they are just checking into it, why didn't my husband mention it to me in passing? I don't know. I need you to help me be realistic about this because I just can't be. I'm in a pissy mood right now. Help!

Dianne,
Not fair, not fair, not fair...and any other NOTs you can come up with. It sounds as if the step-son is being ENABLED which we have discussed in length before and I think your husband is CRAZY (please don't be angry with me, k?) for even thinking of letting someone who can't manage money run a playground like a liquor store. First of all, I can't imagine him loaning anything over 100 bucks without discussing it with you, HIS LIFE PARTNER!!!!

Secondly, a lease on a car for 35k? jeepers creepers! If the kid was lucky enough to have a nice car, so be it, but he hasn't worked in two years? How can he do that? How does he buy gas? Who buys the concert tickets? How old is he?

Somebody HAS to be paying his way. My guess is it's dear old Dad. I hate sounding so negative, but it sounds like to me there are probably other things you aren't aware of...and that is probably one reason the son doesn't want to get close to you too...cause if he did, you might find out about some of these things.

I feel for you because it sounds like to me you are married to a wealthy man (your good fortune and I'm glad for you dear friend, I mean it) who is giving to the kids whatever their hearts desire because he's intimated by their demands, or driven by guilt. Or both.

This isn't the kind of advice I think you were asking for, so I'm afraid I'm not much help. But I'm sitting here scratching my head thinking how old are these children of his? Aren't they old enough to earn their own living? If not, then I stand corrected...but you know something...none of this is ever going to change until you get to the ROOT of the problem (the husband trying to buy their affection and love)
You have every right to be angry.

Dianne, I decided to look up the word "joint."
Heres what I found....1)junction, the joining of two or more bones...2)place of low reputation...3)shared by two or more....4)unite, with a joint.

1. is not applicable
2. is certainly what a bar is and buying one is only the beginning, the expenses are astronomical to keep it operating, DRAM Shop Insurance for instance is the reason most bars are closing its so expensive. (we owned 2 bars)
3. Apparently you husband thinks join means EVERYBODY in his family...
4. Not applicable unless the joint is the bar and that leaves you out.

Do you love this Jackass of a man? It seems he's real good saying he's sorry AFTER he's done whatever he wants with your joint money. You know full well you'll never see a dime of that money and it was as good as a gift. You need to take $35,000.00 out of the account and open one for yourself (no one else) actually a safety deposit box in another bank, in another town would be best. Personally I'd take out 1/2 of all the money in there. Tell this "JERK" that whatever amount he takes out to GIVE to the kids you want the same amount for yourself. This is no joke either and you had better not take it lightly. Plus if this stupid kid buys this bar and your husbands name is on it anywhere, he and you and all your assets are legally bound by any problems, lawsuits etc. that would come about. I know what I am talking about.(My ex and I owned 2 bars) BUT don't take my word for it ask a good attorney....Good luck!

Chatty, it's a liquor store, not a bar. And I should add that the present owner is always low on stock and to me that means he doesn't have the money to keep it stocked. And, I think it's in a bad location too.

And (a lot of and's) I was a businesswoman. I owned my own business so why not mention it to me first? (I would say no thank you!) I don't think it would be a good investment.

I think this would be a way for my husband to buy his son a job. He mentioned when I confronted him about it on the phone, that his son didn't have anything else to do so why not? Point made. He ain't working!

Even if my husband heard about this last Friday, he had the entire week end (we talk every day) to mention it to me and didn't.

I'm so tired of stuff like this. We signed reconciliation papers and that gives us six months to decide whether to stop the divorce or end it. Right now, I'm opting for ending it.

Can you imagine how I felt when I learned part of that $35,000 went to pay his son's girlfriend's credit cards too? Talk about feeling like an outsider (I have a balance on my two credit cards!).

I'm supposed to travel on Thursday to stay the Labor Day week end with him in MN and I'm seriously thinking about not showing up. Also not talking to him on the phone either. When would this ever end? I see no hope for that to happen. I'm just livid!

I think my first call tomorrow morning would be to a good divorce lawyer - to see what rights you have to demanding 1/2 that money back NOW and to stop him from throwing away any more.

I'm not sure if I would be more ANGRY or HURT and I don't think I would let this slide -- he'll probably say that he knew what you'd say or it's HIS money to give as he wants but 35K is a great deal of money to just throw away -

Perhaps he needs to be asked if it was worth your feelings and possibly your marriage -- at least that way you'd know where he stands on that issue

I'm sorry that you have to go through this -- 35K or 35 dollars -- its the lack of respect that hurts the most

Rock bottom reality: it ain't gonna get any better. He does what he pleases, doesn't give a crap about you, and if you object he brushes it away with a smarmy "I'm sorry." Other than the money, I can't see what you're getting out of this relationship, and I wouldn't be surprised if that blew away too.

Hi Dianne,
Is your husband the kind of guy who doesn't think much of counseling? Is he interested in making your marriage work? Are you interested in making your marriage work? Do you love him? Does he love you? If you signed reconciliation papers (or whatever you called them), why did you sign them (and what the heck are they anyways?)
It sounds like it is time to sit down and have a good TALK (not screaming match or anything like that if you can help it).
I would give it some thought before I stayed home. I know you are hurt, but if you both love each other and want to make it work, you may as well sit and discuss things. Do it like you are talking business so emotions don't come into play. Maybe by the weekend you will have calmed down (and you shouldn't discuss important things with ANYONE if you are still mad at them...always wait until the emotions die down so you can talk sensibly).
Anyways, that is my advice
*shrugging my shoulders*
Good luck,
Linda

This entire thing is complex and yet, simple. I'm angry, I think, more than hurt. To have pain as the dominate feeling, you have to still care more than I do right now. I'm numb to him and his selfish ways.

The complex part: Our (what a joke, David's) financial investor is a life long friend of David's youngest son. I'll just call him Mark. Mark's mom used to work for my husband years ago. And, he's just a weirdo. Don't get me wrong, he's done a great job with the investments but he's clueless about women and doesn't think they know anything and you know...

So, after David's son had tried and tried to work his dad...acting depressed and then, worried about the upcoming lease and the extra mileage, to no avail, he started working on Mark and of course, Mark came up with this plan that we loan his son the money and he pays it back every month. The payment comes out of his checking account. The thing is, he had a severance from his last job and had the freaking money to pay it himself. So, David says this is a way to actually earn a little extra money because it has interest included in the payment. Don't care...I was never asked! It just hit the fan big time when I did find out and there was that promise to never do it again, yadda.

So, the payments have been made on time but only because that money is there. When his son runs out of money, who knows? At this point, who cares?

I realized last night that I will always have to battle this crap. I'm tired. But, I'm not going to cut my nose off to spite my face. I'm going to play it smart and I do have a great attorney. She's known in this area as the very best and represents all the country stars, etc. in divorce and I like the woman very much.

Reconciliation papers are filed after someone has filed for divorce but has decided to try and work out the problems. So, if I wait for six months, the divorce complaint is just dropped and I would have to pay a retainer again to start it all over. So, I have five months left on that and I'm watching.

One of you wonderful ladies who privately messaged me mentioned him hiding money. Today, it's very hard to do because my atty. has a guy that works backward in your assets. So, if money has been moved, etc. it will be found. It costs to have this done but in the long run pays off.

I don't think I'll even discuss this with him again. Why bother? It's not like it does any good. He does what he wants to do when he wants to do it and I'm not considered at all. However, he won't be considered in any decisions I make in the future either. Nice way to live. Not!

This is what I ask of all of you. Please pray that my appearance on Montel sparks a lot of interest and book sales so I can possible be on my own. Also, please pray that Oprah's producer calls back. I know how it works and once you're in their rolodex, you're in. But, I want to earn enough money to be financially independent. I've prayed and prayed for my husband to suddenly see how he hurts me but God can't work against his selfish heart unless it's opened. I'm just worn out.

All of you are so great and I knew I could just ask and you would try to help me and I appreciate any ongoing help you have to offer. Bless you

Dianne: I'm praying for wisdom so you can make the right decision and for success with your book. Stay positive. Remember we are here for you. Hug.

Praying for you. Will you remind us again of your date on Montel.
Thanks,
Maggie