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#8051 - 06/11/06 07:25 AM Wedding rings, pain, and ego
struggling2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 10
My husband and I have been separated twice. He was dealing with a lot of issues including conflict avoidance, problems with his parents, a fragile ego, and more. We have quite a history that includes his infidelity, his lying, and his misusing significant amounts of our money. In both of our separations, he came to me saying he wanted a divorce after he had consulted an attorney, rented an apartment, bought furniture and was totally ready to go.

The second time he told me he wanted a divorce I took off my wedding ring as soon as I realized I was wearing it. I locked it up in a safe. After a nine-month separation, we reconciled in December. Since that time, I have thought about and missed my wedding ring and I have gotten my wedding ring out of the safe a number of times and considered putting it on, but I have never so much as put it on my finger. (My husband has never taken his ring off.)

My husband has never said a word about the ring. My finger feels naked but there is something about putting my wedding ring back on, especially after he left me and especially since he has not asked me to do so, that is absolutely repugnant.

I don't want to bring up the discussion of the wedding ring because I feel so strongly that he needs to do it. The things he did led to my taking it off and I need the demonstration that he cares that I have not put it back on.

I bought another much more modest ring the other day and put it on my right hand and my husband didn't say a word about my wedding ring then, either. Right now, my plan is to buy myself a really beautiful slap-in-the-face ring in the next couple of years and wear it on my right hand.

I know how this sounds and certainly my buying a "right-hand ring" feels spiteful. My question to you is, what would you do if you were in my place? Am I wrong to have not put my ring on without anything being said? Am I wrong to not bring it up with him? And what do you do with a wedding ring when you re still married but you are unwilling to wear it?

My second question is this:
Both times when my husband left, there were a lot of really significant secrets that had not yet come out through counselling. And both times, I really wanted to save our marriage. Now that he is back, my husband will sometimes say, "I'm glad I came back home" (this should make me happy, right?). The last couple of times he has said this, I have replied with, "When you say that, I need you to say, "I'm glad you let me come back."

It really bothers me when he says, "I"m glad I came back home." Can you help me figure out why?

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#8052 - 06/11/06 10:15 AM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
Suzan Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/06
Posts: 11
Loc: Alabama
I feel very strongly about the symbolism of a wedding ring also. My situation is not like yours but I do believe that if you have forgiven your husband and I do mean truly forgiven him, his past is wiped clean - which means all you should be focusing on is the future. If you really love your husband and are happy to be with him you should wear the ring. You never know what that may spark when he sees it on you. It bothers you when he says, "I'm glad I came back home" is just wonderful. He is saying he is glad he made the right decision, he knows you are the one he wants to be with. I do not know your past history, but it appears almost like you want to be recognized and praised for "allowing him back home", but by him. Men are so different from us women - they think so differently. In his mind, when he says that he's glad he came back home, he is telling you "thanks for having me back". I'm not really sure by what you have said that you really wanted him back though or that you were ready and healed enough to take him back. My advice is be happy, don't dwell on the past, focus on the future and live your life to it's fullest.

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#8053 - 06/11/06 12:30 PM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
DebShines Offline
Member

Registered: 06/08/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Brisbane Australia
I feel for you Struggling, but please allow me to express how wonderful it is to find someone struggling with similar problems to mine. Especially someone else who is struggling with the staying married despite it all bit.
One of the happiest days of my life was when we picked up our engagement ring. I remember driving home with my hand on the window ledge thinking that the whole world must be blinded by the diamonds and that everyone must be able to see how happy I was. My wedding ring was also full of meaning. I have a blog site where my sad tale is told.
During the early days of knowing, I was in deep depression, and close to throwing myself in front of a truck. I did not do this because I knew that eventually I would make it through and whether we were together or not, I would be OK. I did however give my rings to my daughter (who had unhappily overhead conversations between my husband and his friend and my husband and myself, and who also was used by him to impress his intended girlfriend). I did not want to throw my rings away because once again, I knew that things would eventually be OK, I also did not want the other woman to 'win' (probably not quite the right word but I am struggling to find a more appropriate one) in any way.
I have imagined taking my rings off and asking my husband to give them back to me when he is truly back to me. I believe that Susan is right, Men do think differently.
But you know what, I also believe in some recent sage advise (from this site) that you and I need to really live each moment, not dwell on the past but look forward to all the good things that are now possible. Because my husband did what he did, even though it was horrible, it allowed him to actually share feelings with me, to talk to me and for us to feel somewhat close again. So it was awful, but we are determined to make it good. And you know what, I think because he came so close to loosing us all he has had a rethink - he is much more attentive to the children and involves them in projects etc. We have a long way to go but we are at least on the way there.

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#8054 - 06/11/06 11:45 PM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
struggling2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 10
I wish I knew exactly how to forgive. There's no magic wand and there's no fairy dust. It's a process and I am much further down the road than I was a year ago but I still have a way to go.

I know that I am holding on to it in part defensively. As long as I remember it and haven't quite forgiven, I feel that I am somewhat prepared for whatever may come and I am protecting myself from ever being hurt like that again.

You are right. The rings are highly symbolic and not wearing a wedding ring is breaking my heart. A wedding ring is a gift of love and it is a promise, and if I were to put it on without anything ever having been said or my husband having asked me to do so, it would simply be a pretty accessory -- not a gift and a promise from him to me. That does NOT feel right.

DebShines -- I fully understand your statement that you have thought about taking your rings off and giving them back to your husband and telling him to give them back to you when he is truly back. I feel that the first time my husband gave me wedding rings was fluff -- we had no idea what it meant and where life was going to take us. Today, if my husband were to give me a ring with a heartfelt promise, it would be truly meaningful. The fact that he hasn't is meaningful as well.

When I try to step into his head, I realize that he is a true conflict avoider and wants to avoid having this conversation. I believe that he thinks "I have no right to ask her to wear a wedding ring." "She will put it on when she is ready."

My feelings are all over the board. I feel it needs to be a gift from him to me. I feel it needs to be a promise. I feel he needs to be the instigator of the discussion. I feel that his not discussing it is another miscalculation of my needs. I feel deeply hurt.

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#8055 - 06/12/06 12:53 AM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
chickadee Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/04
Posts: 3910
Loc: Alabama
quote:
Originally posted by struggling2:
I wish I knew exactly how to forgive. There's no magic wand and there's no fairy dust. It's a process and I am much further down the road than I was a year ago but I still have a way to go.

Dear struggling, I want to welcome you with a big cyber hug and welcome. Above you will see a quote from your post. Here is my contribution reply. Please read it in its warmth.

If you are going to forgive your husband, why not sooner than later? Why do you need a process to do so? What is going to be different next week or next month or for that matter, next year. Why not decide to do (the inevitable) and forgive today. Unless you are not going to continue with this man, I think you owe it to yourself especially, to let go and channel your energy into mending all that is broken. Yes, time is a great healer but a mind is the greatest healer of all. Your mind...and how you use it. If your long term goal is to have your marriage back, maybe it is time you planned how to fix it, not keep it broken.
As I reread my post, I want to assure you, that my words are written with the most genuine concern for you and how you are feeling. It is just a suggestion. It just might be the answer you need to hear...and then maybe it's not.
Sometimes we have to take control of our feelings and make ourselves feel good (forgiving, happy, joyous) when we don't want to.
Let the love you have for this man break through.
Surprise him? No...surprise yourself.
I wish you Peace.
chick

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#8056 - 06/12/06 02:54 AM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
struggling2, I was about to say something like the advice given by chickadee. You either forgive and begin again totally, no stipulations or you are kidding yourself that your marriage can be saved. Men unlike we mushy minded/ hearted women don't understand the symbolism of the wedding ring. They should! He should have asked long ago, "honey, where is your ring?" That to me would be a warning sign that possibly his head is not yet where it should be. I would want to know why he came home? Did his affairs end because these other women threw him out or what? To me thats a major part of the puzzle. When my husband and I separated I took my diamond ring and had it made into a cocktail ring which I wore faithfully. When he finally did ask where I got that ring I told him, when he grumbled I said "well the vows that wedding ring represented apparently meant nothing to you, so the ring meant nothing. I didn't want to waste the diamonds and this way I didn't have to." We remained together for 9 more years without another word or his being unfaithful. He knew I meant business and that is what these cheaters need. I am sorry you and others are facing this tragedy and hope it all works out in your best interest. Just remember you kept your vows, he's the cheat...not once but twice???

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#8057 - 06/12/06 09:16 PM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
Jeannine Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Georgia, U.S.
Struggling2, perhaps the reason your true ring hasn't found its way back onto your finger, is because it is no longer the symbol it was, once upon a time. I have always thought of the marriage rings as a visible symbol of a sacred trust. Once that trust has been broken, that sacred bond sundered, the ring, the band that binds, loses its significance.

Your story saddens me, and I feel deeply for you, and other women who have had the pain of your experiences. Trust, the sacred bond that unites a couple, is such a fragile creature. Once destroyed by one or the other partner, a couple faces a long, torturous road to the return to a semblance of what was, before the bond was shattered. I believe it is one of the saddest things in all of life, when one partner so mistreats the other. It is not only the one who receives the hurt, who feels the soul-deep tragedy of it all, it is, as well, the one who delivers the blow. For that person too, bears the pain of the realization, that what once was, is no more.


www.intouchwithjeannine.com

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#8058 - 06/12/06 11:38 PM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I think the answer lies in his problem with conflict avoidance as you said. He isn't going to bring up the ring if this is still a problem.

This is more about you than him and what you want from life or this marriage. Husband #1 had a lot of the same problems your husband has and after him being unable to keep his pants zipped and spending money on things for himself instead of paying bills, we divorced. Today, he's remarried and guess what? He has the same problems.

The problem for myself was always this...why commit adultery? I could never get beyond that or what he did with the other woman. No matter how hard I tried. And, I went through that mindless time of demanding to know all of the ugly details, which many women do and they only made me feel worse because it gave him yet another reason to brag about how great he was in bed. I might have done some things wrong but his main problem was deep insecurity and I'm not a shrink and I'm not qualified to help someone deal with that or get over it.

Anyway, that is my two cents for what it's worth. I know the pain you're going through so well. Just know I'm with you in spirit no matter what you decide to do.

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#8059 - 06/18/06 04:52 AM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
DebShines Offline
Member

Registered: 06/08/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Brisbane Australia
Thankyou everyone for your great contributions and thoughts. You know, this site helps me feel supported and above all not alone, and quite normal. So many others seem to say, why stay married whereas here we explore that.
Forgiveness....I was in hospital, completely isolated, having radiation treatment for thyroid cancer, when it hit me that I had forgiven my husband - and it released me to move on a lot more. I had forgiven him, more incidentally then deliberately, and you know, probably more for me then for him.
That was last September, 6 months after he dropped his bombshell, that was on March 11th a date that I will never forget. So if I cannot forget, does that mean that I have not truly forgiven?? times like these I wish I had done psychology!!
You can imagine how I felt, told on March 11th that he had met someone else and they were trying to decide if they would leave their partners (at least he gave me a chance I suppose). Then having surgery on April 20th where the cancer was diagnosed, so returning on April 27th to have the rest removed, then booking in for radioisotope treatment in September, visits to the oncologist, etc. I really wasn't feeling strong enough to truly cope with marriage issues. Now I feel much much stronger and more in control.
So, I believe that I have forgiven, but I cannot forget. And the reason is that I need him to now say things to neutral out the devestating things he said when he was in the throws of deciding whether to leave or not. But he cannot read my mind so I need to be able to talk this all through with him. Stay tuned.......
Jeannine is right, what once was is no more, and that is shattering, until you make your mind up to make a new better future. And Chickadee is right too, how we choose to think, our self messages, make a difference too.
I decided to do my best to bring the love back into our marriage. I decided that I did not want to be unhappy any more, life is too short (a touch of cancer helps define that message) so I decided to be who I wanted to be, and not hang off him to define how I felt. Now this is easier said then done, but the more I practise it the easier it gets!!!
I now have a mental image of us women standing in a circle holding hands giving out strength to each other.

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#8060 - 06/18/06 05:04 AM Re: Wedding rings, pain, and ego
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I believe one can truly forgive and yet not forget. They are after all two different emotions. My problem is that I can't do either. I just don't understsand cheating in any way for any reason, never have and never will. Maybe thats my hang up but I am honest enough with myself and others to admit it....It too is a matter of preference. I hope it works out for you one way or another...

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