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#7583 - 01/16/06 11:25 PM I Don't Know What to Do!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Here is the situation: I'm the one married to the abusive alcoholic who seems to be trying in his own way to do the right thing. He's really not a bad man or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. I love him and feel sorry for him that he is the way he is. He has worked as a postman for 26 years and has a lot of friends and is well liked and well known in the community. He hasn't done anything physical for a long time now and is trying to be as congenial and cooperative as he can be. He is a wounded combat veteran of the Viet Nam war and has a Purple Heart. He says his physical problems and his personality just can't accommodate a three year old. According to him he didn't even have tolerance for his own 3 children. Their mothers raised them apart from him.
He is taking a disability retirement from his work, is selling the house and moving into an apartment complex as the onsite manager. He says he needs me to help him run the complex.
He says I am his wife and he loves me and just wants the two of us to be together. It is a two bedroom, 1 1/2 bath apartment.
The rest of the story is that my youngest daughter who is 23 and her 3 yr. old daughter are living with us right now. My daughter was arrested when she was 19 with her drug dealer boyfriend who is also the father of my 3 yr. old grandaughter. He is serving time in prison. My daughter has been on probation for 3 yrs. Violated it 3 times and is now facing either time herself or going into a program. The program will be outpatient but will be quite intense, therapy, groups, etc. She may not be able to work to support herself and child and she can't drive because she has no license without a special insurance which is very expensive and her license has been suspended. She will have to carry that type of insurance for 3 yrs. She is trying to get her life together and to get out of trouble once and for all. I believe her this time as I actually see her feet moving in that direction.
My husband is making me choose between him and my daughter and grandaughter. We are to move within 2 wks. and my daughter and grandaughter will have no place to live if I don't somehow come up with first, last and security deposit and rent an apartment for us. My husband said he would ask for a loan from his friends of $5K to give to me to take care of the three of us then pay them back when the house, which is in my name too, sells.
Now me, I don't feel like I will ever have a life of my own with the freedom to work and get up and come home to a peaceful, organized home that I have decorated the way I want to.
I haven't had any friends of my own for years as women usually don't like the fact that I think like a man. I am left and right brain and a MENSA member. This fact doesn't endear me to my husband either... Analytical and creative at the same time. I've been on the front lines for a very long time and am a bit angry. I love my daughter very much but I have two others with children also who need me to be their mom. The other thing is that I like men and dating and being in a relationship. I don't want to just be my daughter's nanny and chaffeur. I've been in that position before. My other two daughters think my life revolve around my youngest since she was 11 yrs. old. She has been in and out hospitals, drug rehab, jail. She OD'd on GHB once while I was driving a semi in Oklahoma and I had to rent a car and drive straight thru to the hospital in FL. I was very ill myself while driving and didn't know if I would find her alive or not. I stopped at an ER myself on the way because I couldn't breathe. When I got there they said her boyfriend had carried her out of there to their home. She realizes now that she has made many mistakes and he was one of the biggest.

I've had to sell my car for bail before and am now making car payments again. I could go on and on about the length and breadth of assistance, time, agony and money I have spent helping her until I'm tapped out.

I love my family and my husband with all my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm the only family member she has in FL. No one else is willing to help her. Everyone else has basically written her off. I have hope for her and faith that she will make it. She is a charming, beautiful young woman, wants to be a crime scene investigator. She has shown so much improvement in the past year and this program might be very beneficial to her.
I feel pressure from everywhere including myself. My husband says I'm abandoning him, my daughter says she needs me for just a little while longer, my grandaughter certainly needs me, my other two daughters and their children need their mom and grandmom.
I need to go fishing and relax on the beach. I need to read a good book and cry and talk to friends and laugh at a good movie.
My only sister hasn't spoken to me for two years because she doesn't approve of me. We used to talk all the time. I have a friend but I hate to burden her with my issues. I'd rather have fun with her and she is a mutual friend of my husband and I.
When I get home today after working 8 hrs., my daughter will want me to drive her to the gym and watch my grandaughter for a couple of hours while she works out, then my husband will be angry and wanting me to help move to the new apartment, I will need to be finding an apartment or somewhere for my daughter/her daughter/ and myself to live, and cook dinner, play with and pay attention to my grandaughter and I have an upper respiratory infection. I need to rest. My daughter and I are working thru 'The Purpose Driven Life' together and trying to trust God for whatever happens to us.

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#7584 - 01/16/06 11:56 PM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
Number5, I totally understand how you want to be everythig to everyone. You are in the middle, which is an awful place to be. There has to be a way that you can be there for those who need you, at the same time, not killing yourself!
I understand wanting to help your daughter and granddaughter. It sounds like your daughter takes advantage of you, though. Why does she need to spend hours working out while you are watching her child, while sick and exhausted? You have to let everyone around you know that you are human and you have limits. 3 year olds are very tiring.
Your husband sounds very immature and expects you to be his mommy, too. He took on your kids when he married you and you took on his. He shouldn't tell you that you'd be abandoning him.
I really don't have any answers for you, but you keep saying what you need. I'm wondering if you've told THEM what you need? They will put you in an early grave if they all keep putting this stuff on you and then they'd have to manage w/o you anyway.
I hope I don't sound too harsh here, I don't mean to be. Believe me, I have always tried to take care of everyone in my life and it doesn't
work. It upsets me when I hear about wonderful women like you, being taken advantage of.

[ January 16, 2006, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Bluebird ]

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#7585 - 01/17/06 04:25 PM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Thank you so much for your kind words, Bluebird. It touched my heart to hear that someone thinks I'm wonderful. I don't get to hear that much. Sometimes just a little bit of encouragement goes a long way.
I still don't know what will happen, but I'm trusting completely in God to help my daughter, grandaughter and myself find a way out.
I'm hoping my best for my husband too. Its not wrong to love your enemies. I'll never let him hurt me again though.

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#7586 - 01/17/06 06:00 PM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Oh, and the latest is that the 5K that he was going to give me to take care of my daughter and grandaughter is now reduced to "what I deserve" which is maybe 2K.
I'm not quite sure what I did to be undeserving of the 5K....still trying to figure that one out, but my daughter starts working today and I told my husband when I came home yesterday that I loved him but my daughter and grandaughter were my first priority and I would not abandon them, that all the money I make would have to go into helping to support them while she goes through the program and gets out of trouble with the law.
Once that is accomplished, she is on her own. It should take about a year. By then I will be 57-58.
He says I'm going to put him into an early grave. He needs me to help him run the apartment complex. It looks like, unless a miracle happens, I will be working 40 hrs. a week at my job, coming home and helping to run an apartment complex, my daughter and grandaughter will live in a one bedroom there also, rented by me and me paying all the utilities, groceries, daycare, etc. with my daughter contributing as she can while going through the program, taking my grandaugher to and from daycare and spending time with her, providing transportation until my daughter gets her license and ins. issues resolved, going to the Y to work out, and still trying to find time for myself.
Does life still go on with gusto after 60? I'm so afraid I will miss out on everything.

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#7587 - 01/17/06 07:03 PM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I'm in the middle of making my daughter get on her feet and take care of herself too. It's draining in all ways.

The fact that she wanted you to watch her child while she worked out caught my attention. With a full load already on your shoulders, it sounds like she's using you.

I know how emotional this is but I also know it's important to get our priorities straight and if your daughter is really going to pull through this time, it might be a good idea to watch from a distance instead of being right in the middle of it. My daughter seems to do better when I back away.

Sorry you're going through this and you are wonderful!

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#7588 - 01/17/06 07:29 PM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Number5, you are wonderful, and youare doing everything to care for everyone but yourself. that concerns me.

I think it's great that you are helping your daughter, but I think it is wise of you to set limits with her. Give her a time frame to work with. I will help you until such a date, and then you are on your own. Tough love is incredibly hard, but in the end you may both have your independence, and your lives back. Thoughts?

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#7589 - 01/18/06 08:01 AM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
ladybug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 1402
Number5, you are such a wonderful and giving woman but what are all these people who are also supposed to love you giving back to you? If you wind up in the hospital from exhaustion what will they do? Think about it.

I have a dear elderly friend who is in almost the same position with regards to her daughter and grandchildren. I use to always encourage her to help them and stick with them but I don't anymore. Their neediness to her is never ending and won't be until she learns to say no. She has taken on all their problems and has heaped it on her shoulders like a pile of rotting dung. She is depressed and doesn't even know it. I did point it out to her. She needs constant reinforcing that she IS a wonderful lady who deserves better.

Please, look in the mirror at the wonderful, giving person you see there and tell her she is a great person.

Only you know what you have to do. Dianne is so right when she says to take a step back. I think your mental and physical health depend on you being able to do this.

Keep posting and letting us know how you are.
With love from, Ladybug

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#7590 - 01/18/06 08:03 AM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Both my daughter and my husband use the same tac with me. If I tell either of them that I can't do something they want me to do like if I said, "I don't want to live in the apartment with you and run the complex, I want to live with my daughter and grandaughter and help support them", he said, "Well, I'll just call so and so and just tell them I can't manage the apartment complex for them and you go your way and I'll go mine and I'll just get myself an apartment somewhere and miss out on all the benefits this opportunity will allow", or "I'll just continue to work my tired crippled ass off at the postoffice and be in pain every day until I drop dead or retire." Well, he knows that neither of these options are pleasing to someone who loves them. Its like saying, "If I can't be boss, I'll just go play in the street."
My daughter does the same thing. If I indicate to her that I'm not going to do something she wants from me, she says, "Well, me and A (her daughter) will just go stay with so and so" who of course, is totally unacceptable to me and not a good or healthy environment for my grandaughter to be in. They both know I will buckle and it is emotional blackmail and I know it but am unwilling to suffer the consequences of the outcome.
Remember the story in the Bible about the two women who both claimed to be the mother of the infant child. Both mothers came to Solomon who was acting as judge. He said to the women, "Well, bring me a saw and we'll just cut the child into and give one half to each mother upon which the REAL mother said, "No, its her child, I was just lieing. The child belongs to her. Let her have it. Sometimes choices aren't easy and we make them out of love and fear.

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#7591 - 01/18/06 08:37 AM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
ladybug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 1402
Number5 I DO understand the emotional turmoil you are experiencing, especially in regards to your dear little grandchild.

Here is something I was thinking about. If a person succeeds in making another person feel worthless, then that person has gained an advantage over you. That person has convinced you that you don't deserve anything better. This person can now, call all the shots and manipulate you. This is what it appears everyone is doing to you. Call your daughter on her bluff by saying, "go ahead, go live with so and so, if you think it will be a better environment for your daughter." Learn to use some of their manipulative tactics, maybe they need a taste of their own medicine, so to speak.

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#7592 - 01/17/06 10:05 PM Re: I Don't Know What to Do!
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Thank you Dotsie, Ladybug and Dianne.
I'm giving my daughter until she has completed the program and is able to work to support herself and her daughter then I'm moving on and giving it all to her.
I wish I could trust her with my grandchildren. I know she loves them but that same inability to think past the moment carries over to them. My grandaughter needs medicaid, WIC, things like that. I can't put her on my insurance because I'm not legal guardian.
My daughter used to strip and make so much money. She is used to having thousands and now that she has given that up and is trying to keep a "normal" job, she is having to get used to a more normal lifestyle. No $300 sunglasses and $150 shoes and the most expensive makeup. Her car payment is $400 a month.
I only hope she isn't lured back into that lifestyle again, "just long enough to make a grip of money then get back out again...."
She didn't give her sister but $100 the whole 8 months that she had my grandaughter along with her own two boys as a single parent.
But, she was going to the clubs, buying very expensive clothing, staying in nice hotels, living a posh lifestyle. She had to drink and do drugs to strip because she hated it but loved the money.
Now that she has her daughter with her, she feels bad about what she did and doesn't want to get back into it.
Since she has tasted the finer things in life like Mac makeup and $300 purses, it will really be hard for her to buy her purse at Target and look for bargains. To wear Maybelline or Max Factor.
Never in my life have I been able to have things like that. I've gone through thousands of dollars for her and the only expensive thing she has ever bought me was a purse for Christmas.
I have started putting my size 7 1/2 shoe down and saying "NO" and meaning it. I say what I think now and tell her what I'm willing to do and not do. Now I have the advantage if I need it of going to her probation officer and she knows it.
I've done it before and she claims I'M the reason she got into all this trouble, because I turned her in....for all I knew, she was dead. I found her days later coming out of a sleazy hotel with two black guys looking like Hell from being drugged out and who knows what else happened to her. God led me to her in a city of thousands of people. I had no idea where she was but a hotel in the sleazest part of town drew my attention and sure enough she was there. I had my gun with me and would have used it to protect either her or myself if need be.
I have had a Hell of a life, but I know God has a purpose for me and I just need to find it and go with it.

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