Hi There,
Its late and I can't sleep; I'm sure many others have been here before. I just wanted to find someone to talk to; someone that could truly understand what i'm going through.
my husband and i have been married for 2.5 years and we just found out we're having our first baby. he has 3 kids from his first marriage and we just moved down to florida to be close to his kids. they are 18,12 & 9. the oldest used to live with us and recently graduated from hs and i truly could not deal with him anymore so when we were moving I did not extend the invitation for him to come live with us.
the younger 2 are good kids but i'm so fed up with hearing about "my mom this and my mom that" everytime they come over. i've never had a problem with any ex the way i do with her, so i imagine that its not me. in fact my ex was at my wedding and everyone was ok with that.
well when the kids came to stay with us for march break, the 12 year old girl blurted out that her mom had said that it was illegal for her dad to have more kids and that he wasn't allowed to have more kids. i confronted her on it and instead of getting an apology i got a call full of insults from her new husband. my husband admitted at that point that his ex had called him and asked him to consider not having children with me bc she didn't think it was a good idea for her children. i was furious of course. still never got an apology for this but a month later, i got a nasty 3 page hateful letter from his ex pointing at all of the flaws she considers me to have. my immediate reaction was to sit down and cry and my husband's first reaction was to get upset at the fact that this was going on and walk out. he then took his son out for pizza and a movie so they could talk about what was going on. i was left at home to cry on my own. my parents were pretty upset when they found out that night and called my husband to express their concern for the problems i was going through bc of his ex wife and oldest son. at this point my husband said he would deal with his ex.
well today we were at the beach with the young kids and my parents and a friend thats in town. when we got to talking the 12 yr old daughter blurted out that her mom had called me a "B"
I was shocked and couldn't even say anything so i told my husband and his initial reacion was that it happened last summer and that its a fact that i hate his ex (as if that's supposed to excuse all of this)
He never wants to clear things up and be honest about the impact of her actions rather everyone seems to be scared of confronting her yet nobody seems to care about the impact of how i feel having to deal with all of this.
I am truly sick and tired of having these kids and their mom in my life. the oldest hates me and now the middle child is the pain in the butt.
I'm having thoughts about splitting up and not having to deal with his children and ex ever again.
Has anybody ever been in a similar situation?

I know a ton of women who are going through this or have gone through this. I've found the best thing to do and it's extremely difficult, is when the kids say something their mother has said, ignore it and change the subject. Act like you never heard it. If you respond, it will only add fuel to the fire. The youngest one doesn't really know the pain behind her words, but she'll soon learn if you react.

You are facing an age old problem of the husband not responding and trying to fix everything. They seem to think that being truthful with their children will make them stop loving him or feel threatened. They don't understand their children will respect them more if they stand up for the new marriage.

I can't make your husband understand the pain you feel anymore than it seems you can. But I would suggest you never call or confront the ex again because it seems this is what she wants. Some people live off havoc and problems but if you don't play along, what will they do? Let her talk until her lips drop off. It will only prove to her children that she's still emotionally involved with your husband and is a bitter woman. The kids will grow very tired of this. It's hard to do but you can do it. You have a new baby coming into the world that needs you to be calm. Don't play others games. The only time there is competition is when we join in the competition. So, don't go there.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through this and we'll be here for you!

First of all Pugma, welcome to the Boomer site. Second Dianne is totally correct. These hateful people do the things they do for the reaction they get from their prey, thats you! Ignore her and her children and hopefully they'll either go away or learn from your example the correct way to behave. You will soon have a beautiful sweet new baby and this should be the focus of your life. I hate to be blunt but if the husband does not behave well towards this new child then I wouldn't waste one more minute of my life with him. Remember the worst thing you can do to this EX, is to be unscathed by her meaness and live, love, laugh and be happy. He is your husband now...It will drive her nuts, remember NO reaction to her is best always, she is looking for one,lol

[ August 15, 2005, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Bringing this back because it was posted over before being visible long enough for everyone to see....

Okay, here's my question. How do we respond the the other post without covering this one? She needs help too!

It would be nice if the moderators would check to make sure a subject has been allowed to be seen for at least a couple of posts. I never post a new subject over anyone that has asked a question the same day if I see there are no answers. Its a tough question but simply takes being polite and waiting ones turn so to speak. There is no problem that will be solved any later because someone waits to post a day or an hour or two...Just my opinion however....I guess just do whatever you want to do. I will bring back a post that has a 0 response every now and again hoping they get the answers they need.

I am looking after 3 forums this week,(for instance) Prayer Requests, that I will keep a check on. If a new subject prayer request comes up, I post on that one too. I don't see any way to do it differently except to have more moderators for unmonitored posts. That way, if it gets buried, the moderator can bring it up.
chick

THank you all so very very much. I've learned over the years to just be open and upfront about my feelings and this morning i just shared how i felt at the breakfast table and i think my husband felt my pain and suggested i remain calm for our baby's sake. he spoke with his ex and of course she denied everything and tried changing the subject to bring up other things but i'm really proud of the way he dealt with her.

thanks again and i didn't quite understand if i was supposed to wait to post my question but if that is the way you all like to do it around here, I will work with that.
thanks again

Step - parenting take two people and they both have to have the child's best interest at heart. It is so difficult when so many adults are involved and children become confused. Even the older ones. It is a constant struggle.
When I raised my step -son, at first, his Mother tried to put a wedge between us. I concentrated on my step-son. I left his mother AND father out of "our" bonding relationship. I NEVER put down his/her Mother or Father for that matter.I poured my love over him because he was only 5 years old and needed SOMEONE to love him unconditionally. I was fair and firm, the same as I was with my 2 girls. He wanted to go live close to his Mom after he finished his education(firm)and I am thankful that he had that opportunity. I watched him go and was proud to send a beautiful, kind, educated grown man her way. Very proud!!!
I will say this over and over again...it is sometimes difficult to "love" another woman's child if you are a step-parent. Difficult yes, but not impossible.
Adopted parents do it all the time. They fall in love with "others" children. Would they love these children less if the parents were involved? Good question.
It takes a strong person to change things around in your favour(peace).I wanted to have my step-son turn around in later years and see that I loved him unconditionally, no matter what his Mom wanted him to think. I'll bet my life, if she ever said an unkind word about me now, he would put her in her place and say it with a great respect.

All I can say to anyone who is in a bad situation with a step-child is continue to show love, and respect with a bit of firmness mixed in. Take it upon yourself, to fix it, especially if Dad's don't really know how or want to...some day it will return...

Pugma, perhaps you could have said, "B is not a very nice word and I am disappointed that you had to hear your Mom say such a thing. You know I love you don't you? And then hug her and say, Let's you and I be good friends, come on let's go do this(insert your own activity here). Twelve is a difficult age as it is. Knowing someone cares about you is what's needed then more than ever.
I appreciate your dilemma and wish you the very best...but if you want my opinion, try kindness till it kicks in. I have a feeling it will work for you too. You have nothing to lose, just don't quit trying. Try to put yourself in her situation and tell her you understand. One day when she walks down the aisle, you can stand proud of having been there for her - no matter what. Believe me, she needs you, they all do.

Sorry for the ramble, but I know it worked for me...so why not you?

Your baby needs a comfortable, peaceful place to start life in...and you deserve it too. I hope and pray that things work out for all of you.

Welcome and stay posting. We need to hear more about your little one on the way.

God Bless
chick

Pugma, just post whenever the need arises. Its up to the monitor to make sure each post is given adequate screen time. Never fear, Chatty's here!