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#71213 - 10/04/05 11:20 AM Stepmom woes!
fiddledee Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 3
Loc: North Carolina
Well I have two big issues. One: I AM a stepmother. My 18 yr old stepson moved in 1 1/2 years ago because he was skipping school (ie failing) and hates his mom. He totally disrespects our home and is only waiting to graduate and get out ... and so am I. His only goal in life is to become a famous rock and roll star (I told him he needs a backup plan).. He totally ignores me and my requests and it makes me crazy and is disrupting my marriage to his dad. My husband (his dad) says that the boy is a man now and that he doesn't want to do anything to keep his son from communicating with him.. ie no discipline because the kid's too old to discipline.. now he has to be his buddy... I think it's an Italian thing...

Secondly I HAVE a stepmother. My dad was husband #3. You know the old horror story of some woman marrying your dad and taking everything? Well it happens and I know it. My dad died in misery and apologized to his kids.. it is still hard to keep up the pretense of being nice to her. She is evil. My dad was a widower and met this lady in a bar. She moved in, finally talked him into a trip to KY where they got married without telling the kids... and it was downhill from then on. SO if YOU have a widower dad and he tells you he met this nice widow lady in a bar... let me know. It might be her and I don't want ANY other family to go what we are going through.

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#71214 - 10/04/05 05:24 PM Re: Stepmom woes!
Bluebird Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 2560
Loc: Pagosa Springs, Colorado
Welcome Fiddle. Sounds like things are stressful at your house. I wouldn't say the no discipline thing is an Italian thing. I am Italian and every man in my family would smack that kid "upside the head" for being disrespectful, especially to a woman...
I know you will find support and love here.

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#71215 - 10/04/05 06:15 PM Re: Stepmom woes!
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
It could be a Jewish thing too! [Big Grin] My husband and I nearly divorced over this stepson issue. It got really ugly.

This is what I did. I "trapped" my husband in the car on a trip and told him I wanted to resolve it once and for all, one way or the other, with no accusations, no yelling, no blaming, etc. And so, we talked for two hours straight. I said, "I can't make you mature, I can't make you grow up, I can't make you know that it's okay to be a husband and a father at the same time. The ball is in your court, not mine. You are treating your sons at the same age level as they were when you divorced their mother. You haven't done anyone a favor. It's time for all of you to grow up."

It worked. He's a different man...the same man I fell in love with. He understands that he had put us all in competition against each other with him as the prize. I told him there can only be a competition if people decide to compete and I was stepping out of the arena. And, I have. I have removed myself from it. I will listen when he tells me what his sons have been doing and make a nice comment. I will never say anything against them...I just listen. They have never allowed me to be a part of their world so I decided my real family is my children and grandchildren. I focus on those who really love me and care what happens in my life.

I hope this helps. I know what you're going through.

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#71216 - 10/05/05 07:19 AM Re: Stepmom woes!
DallasGal Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/05
Posts: 218
Loc: Dallas, Texas
Not disciplining your child - especially an older child - is usually the sign that Dad was approval and/or feels guilty about the circumstances of the divorce and how his son is turning out.

In situations that are tough, we tend to do just the opposite of what we should be doing.

Fiddledee, (btw, love that name) There has to be rules to live by in this house. These need to be set immediately, everyone needs to be working together and if everyone is NOT working together then they simply are NOT part of the family and need to be treated as such.

It is difficult as parents to tough love our children. Most parents do not understand that it is not the pleasantries of life that effect change but when we get so uncomfortable with the status quo that we have to try something different.

Your stepson is acting the way he is acting because 1 - He can. There is not accountability in place that tells him that he will treat others with respect - or else there are consequences. "Good Guy" parents create Kids Behaving Badly and inappropriately.

Hubby has to make it clear to son that there will be no power struggles - either plug in and realize that you are Dad's choice and part of his life and Son needs to be realistic, or else he will not be welcome in your home, and as "an adult" will be expected to manage on his own, in his own place, fitting the bills for his own expenses.

You need that "stand-up"-ness with your husband.

Unfortunately, the peaceful loving feelings that brought you to your hubby, are probably the same feelings that make him fearful at confronting his son for behaving badly.

Fiddledee, you have had some unfortunate experiences in the past and have some healing still to go through re: your adult father's choices to remarry. I hope you seek peace in that situation as your stepmom is just one part of the problem in that picture and you do have to acknowledge what your Dad did and how his personal choices affected you. No one twisted his arm, people do what they do, because it serves a purpose for them.

Keep us posted on your situation and how things go with your talk with hubby...you are in my thoughts and I wish you the most peace that can come in this situation.

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#71217 - 10/05/05 03:32 AM Re: Stepmom woes!
fiddledee Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 3
Loc: North Carolina
You guys are great.. I don't know if I can solve my problems, but at least I have a sounding board. Well.. If I can last 9 more months... stepson will be out of the house (he can hardly wait and neither can I). My husband NEVER will deal with this.. in fact.. last night when the boy was so rude to me (as he treats his own mom) my husband said that I should have called the kid's bluff.. hey.. it's not MY child and I know that if I had, my husband (despite what he says) would have stood up for his son..He oftimes in front of his son will not comply with me. Bad form. Anyway... It feels good to get things out. Last night I drove around until 5:30 am and found myself at the cemetary where my two incredibly wonderful parents are buried right next to the church.. I just sat there and prayed. I believe they are not there.. they are in heaven together, but it is the only place where I can find peace sometimes and just have a good cry.

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#71218 - 10/06/05 07:07 AM Re: Stepmom woes!
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
fiddledee, glad to hear you like coming here. I hope you'll begin posting inthe other forums too.

I am heading to the cemetery today too. It's mom's birthday. I also find peace while visiting her. The world stops and I get off to reminisce.

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#71219 - 10/05/05 11:17 PM Re: Stepmom woes!
mrs_madness Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/05
Posts: 217
Loc: Moscow
fiddledee, I went through this years ago with my husband's teenage son from his first marraige. It ended badly, the situation was handled poorly by my husband (and me), and the son now 33, has paid the price for years for all the bad decisions and misparenting that happened. I will always regret not having done more to intervene, always.

If you will be tolerant of what may become an overlong post......

I too was the stepmom and felt that I had no right to step in and take over the boys life so late in childhood. He had a mother in the same city, and I felt that his father should be in charge since I was nearly a stranger to the son. The son was terrible. Out of control temper tantrums, berating the other children, making my life miserable, challenging his father at every turn. It was a nearly intolerable situation. I kept waiting for his father to handle the situation with reason and fairness but that never happened.

I always treated the son with all the affection I could muster--after all he was nearly a stranger to me. But that was never enough. I was powerless to control him and affection wasn't enough. He and his father clashed constantly. Order was never established. He left home a few years later at 17 and has been in trouble ever since. I blame myself. I should have orchestrated the situation better--but I didn't. Had I done things differently, steered the faltering father, created order, I could have changed the course of things. I will always be guilty for not doing all I could have done.

So. I agree with a previous poster. Rules of order and leadership MUST be created. The father should be in charge of discipline, you will not have the respect nor are you in a position to be the voice of power. But you must be the voice of reason. Your husband must be convinced that the boy is not his best friend, nor his enemy, but his dependent son. He needs leadership, not a buddy. As dreadful and difficult as this boy is, you must try to find the loveability in him and love it. If it takes a third party or professional help to accomplish these things--then get it. This child's future is in your hands. The boy will be a part of your husbands life and your family forever. You will continue to live with the results of this crisis time for many years to come.

I'll stop here. There's more....but taking better charge of the situation NOW will save you a lifetime of grief and guilt and mangled lives later. He needs you. Be there for him.

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#71220 - 10/13/05 04:56 PM Re: Stepmom woes!
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
madness, you bring up an excellent point. These children don't go away, they just get older. That's powerful. When we raise children we are investing in everyone's future becasue if we don't address issues as they arise, they tend to come back in bite us in the butt.

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#71221 - 10/15/05 11:03 PM Re: Stepmom woes!
Junebug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/24/05
Posts: 171
Loc: 10 yrs in OH now, 47 yrs in Tx
It was the oppisite with my husband and myself. He married me, and I had 3 sons. WOW! And he never had children, was never around around small children, and was 12 yrs younger than I am. Being in a physically and mentally abusive marriage (and my oldest abused also) before, I could not allow his not having the right knowledge of raising kids to get in the way, or their being angry he was there paying them attention and doing things for them and not their Dad to hurt him! Talk about a balancing act! After about 9 mos, I sat them all down in the same room, and told them how it was to be and why because of each one of them. If they wanted to discuss it, now was the time, because later was too late.
We decided I would do the decipline (I just didn't think grounding worth it if someone left a glass in their room LOL). My husband was a perfect child to raise out of 4 boys, per his mom, and he expected them to be the same.
In return, I demanded they show my husband the respect he deserved.
I ask if there were any discussion, no one had anything to say. I ended the meeting. To my surprise, they all apologized and hugged. NO, it was NOT always that way! OH my goodness NO! But, it was so much better.

The parent has to take control if anyone is to be respected. They are grown now, but as adults, they have so much respect for my husband and tell him so all the time. They tell him they love him also! So, there is hope during and after childhood!

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