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#71057 - 06/28/05 04:55 AM 25 doing on 12
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
My husband's son (25 yrs old) (I'll call him G) borrowed my husband and my new kubota tractor and really abused it and did some damage. I've known G for almost 2 years and thought we had a pretty good relationship. He's come to me on several occasions asking my advice on things and talking about his troubled marriage. His dad and I have been married for almost 3 months and we're both in our 50's. G was told by his dad that the tractor is not leaving our property again because of the damage it received by him. When he came to pick up the trailer it was on I gave him a piece of paper with the price of the damage and he got really pissed at me saying it was "just a tractor" and damage is expected. I pointed out to him that the hood was crushed in, the hydraulic lines were bent and the bucket was out of alignment and bent...those aren't normal. To make a long story short, he's decided I am to keep out of his business with his dad and he has told my husband (his father) that he'd prefer if I did not interfere in this matter. He and his father decided that he'd do some work on the place to repay the damage as he's young and not able to pay. I would have been okay with this but I was not included in the discussion with my husband about the final decision and thus our first argument ever ensued because of it. My husband said he was wrong and should have not decided anything until he and I had talked about it. It just make G think now that I need to butt out even more.
I've worked hard in 2 years to build a good relationship with all his kids (there are 3). I was a step child and a prior step mom and so I know how hard it can be.
My husband is upset that G and his wife would attack me so badly after all I've done for them and my would is very deep at the moment and do not care to be around them. We have decided that G's borrowing card has been cancelled (he likes to borrow things and not return them until we ask for them or go over and get them). We should have been smarter about the tractor considering his track record.
I'm pretty hurt by this and feel resentful. Not sure what to do next.

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#71058 - 06/29/05 07:41 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
First of all Dee welcome! And you are from Alabama I see. How wonderful. Me too! Me too! (Queen waving hand frantically).

If it were me, I would have to set aside the "step-anything" thinking and think, "If this were my old flesh and blood, would I treat this the same way?" If the answer is yes, and I'm betting it is, then you have to believe in your own motivations. It looks like to me that junior was at fault, knew he was, but doesn't like taking the blame for things, so he used the only defense he could, GET MAD AT YOU. By taking the focus off of himself, and waving a finger in the air shouting "she's an outsider butting in" he hoped his Dad would say, "oh gee son, you poor thing, is that mean old step-mother picking on your young self?"

It didn't work because obviously the love/bond you have with your husband is a strong one. Your husband is to be commended for backing you in this! Go Hubby!

I say you should be patted on the back for doing the Barney thing. Nipping it in the bud. I'm not saying you should bully him, I'm saying when a situation calls for you to voice your opinion and it is the right thing to do, THEN DO IT! I AM saying don't let HIM bully you. Its emotional blackmail. If he gets away with it now, imagine what the rest of your married life would be like. Every tried to walk to egg shells?

Step-parents, heck... any parent, should check their hearts, which means, check your motivation for doing this or that. If it is in the right place, then I say onward!

How should you handle it? From my point of view, you don't have anything to handle...THEY DO. You've done the right thing. Now its their turn to mend the broken fence.

Just my thoughts...Hope I haven't stepped over the boundaries.

JJ

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#71059 - 06/28/05 09:09 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Queen Jaw/Jaw
Thanks for your wonderful response. And go Alabama Girls...
I have stepped back and it's quiet for the moment...nothing is happening, which for now is probably a good thing. I'm still too wrapped around the tree I got slammed into to feel okay about it yet.
Yes, my husband is a wonderful man and is very giving and tender hearted. He has been taken advantage of in the past because of how he is and I believe that G has been guilty of this on more than one occasion. G is very tight with his money and would rather use others' things if he can than buy it himself.
Thanks for the words of support concerning my standing up for what is right...I wasn't hateful or mean when I spoke with G...but, I was firm about what I said and I didn't say anything to him that I would not have said to my own sons...actually, I told him he got off easy because my own kids would not have gotten off as easy...they would still be hearing about it.
Time will tell what happens next...I do not feel it is my place to approach them...I agree with you...they need to approach me...but, I doubt if I will ever hear an apology...people like G don't see that they've done anything wrong when it comes to situations like this. Perhaps I'm wrong, but only time will tell.
I'm so happy I found this forum...I didn't think I'd need to vent with step-parenting issues concerning grown step-kids, but that goes to show you how much has changed...Kids in general these days show lack of respect in so many way...I'm a child of the 50's and I learned values and tried to teach those values to my kids...I know my husband tried to teach his children values as well, but his ex-wife is still wicked and hateful and spiteful and backstabbing to him and now me. She's full of venum and is probably loving this episode about the tractor and will use it to convince G that I'm a horrible person. It's a shame, really. Things were going so well...now that's all in the trash bin.
And no, you haven't stepped over any boundaries. Thanks for your supporting words.
Dee

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#71060 - 06/29/05 04:06 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Very odd, we seem to have a fox in the hen house. I posted a reply to this question and it has dissappeared???? Oh Dotsie...... [Eek!]

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#71061 - 06/29/05 04:14 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
I don't think it disappeared Ms C... I think you probably posted in another part of the forum. This same post is in several places.

I did the same thing when I first came to Boomers. I wasn't sure WHERE to put something, so I put it in several places. No matter... as long as you get a reply and the help you need, right Dee? RIGHT!

My guess is that Dee has soaked up your wisdom in another area. If not, post again because you're replies ALWAYS hit the mark. And I'm sure she would appreciate it!

JJ

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#71062 - 06/29/05 08:40 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
I goofed in where to put things...I've been grateful for the responses I've received and it helps to know that I'm not the only person who thinks the way I do about this situation. So far, the only ones who believe otherwise are G and his wife, which of course does not surprise me.

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#71063 - 06/29/05 08:54 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
not to worry over the posting thing Ms Dee...we all do it at one time or nuther...

Hugs, JJ

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#71064 - 06/30/05 06:00 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Yep JJ and Dee found my post in another area and hope it helped....thank goodness it was my mistake, after all I am in that age now where the mind begins to shrink up like a walnut...HELP ME!!!!! [Eek!]

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#71065 - 06/30/05 06:03 PM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
chatty, would you have said this last week, or has this shrinking happened since your birthday?

[Big Grin]

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#71066 - 07/01/05 07:47 AM Re: 25 doing on 12
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Don't you wonder where the word "Step" comes from? Like, step on me, step on my heart, etc.?

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