Whew! This morning I am back on track, and I'm not feeling as stressed as I did last night. I hope I don't sound crazy, but last night I found myself tossing and turning, unable to clear my mind. I guess I was having a big midlife crisis moment--just felt an overwhelming desire to just run away from my current life situation. Not a serious scary feeling--I somehow knew that I wasn't going anywhere and that these feelings would pass. It is hard to put into words--I just have moments every now and then when I think about what kind of future I want, and my answer is in the ballpark of a COMPLETELY different life than I have now. Basically, I have this fantasy that one day, just a few years from now, when my kids are grown and off on their own, I want to move away from this suburban soccer mom lifestyle and become a sophisticated urban career woman. I don't know how to explain myself--I have loved my life as a wife/mother/suburban soccer mom, but I am suddenly feeling in a rut, and I am suddenly feeling this overwhelming desire to run away and become a completely different person. I have this fantasy about the woman I want to be in my "second adulthood"--and the woman I am now and the woman I hope to be one day would hardly recognize each other. I am taking steps toward making this transformation--working on a masters degree and preparing for a new and exciting career, losing weight, and making many other changes in my life. At times I feel very excited about the upcoming changes that I dream of making one day soon. BUT sometimes, like last night, I find myself almost "chomping at the bit" to just jump off of that mountain and start the rest of my life RIGHT NOW! Yet, when I think about it logically and use my reasoning skills, I know that it just isn't time yet. I am not quite through raising my two adolescent kids. I am not quite through with graduate school. I am not quite ready to leave my 20 year marriage and role of "fulltime mother and homemaker" yet, although I do dream of doing so one day. Long story, but marriage is just hanging on by a thread and we both are trying to "stay together for the children", but we both have VASTLY different dreams for ourselves once our kids are grown. I honestly have an overwhelming desire to run away from my marriage and role as submissive, dependent suburban wife. Yet, I absolutely do not want to run away from my kids. I just find myself wishing they would hurry up and grow up so I can move on with my plans--yes, I feel SO selfish writing those words!! Last night I just felt emotionally overwhelmed and I dreamed about life basically fast forwarding just a few years. I can't explain it, but I found myself just dying to hurry up and start my "new life" NOW, not later!! After feeling totally stressed out and shedding some tears, I found myself peeking in on my sleeping teenagers, and it was then that I shook myself back to reality. I love them SO much and they STILL need me--they still need this life we have built for them--it would not be beneficial to them for me to jump the gun on this. If I followed my selfish desires, they woud suffer. So I gave myself a pep talk and I eventually went back to sleep with warm thoughts of watching the next few years unfold before I move on to my new life. I KNOW they grow up way too fast--I KNOW that I will miss them so much when they are gone--I KNOW that I should just soak it all in and enjoy every last minute with them because soon they will be out on their own. I KNOW that once they are gone, I will miss them terribly and I will find myself wishing I could somehow buy back the years and relive the wonderful experiences I have had as I raised this beautiful young woman and handsome young man. I KNOW I should not rush them out into the world before they are ready, and if I do that I will regret it one day. BUT still, I cannot help having these moments when I just have an overwhelming desire to start my new life today, right now, right this minute. At times I fantasize about jumping on a plane to some exciting place and starting a whole new life, completely different than the one I am living. But once I come to my senses, I realize that I do love my life as it is, at least for now. God, I sound so crazy, don't I? But I know I am as sane as they come--I just don't know exactly how to deal with these emotions when they come on. It kind of reminds me of the man who leaves his family, buys a fancy sports car, and dates a younger woman--but my midlife crisis looks completely different. NO desire to hook up with another man(younger or otherwise)--NO desire to drive a fancy sportscar--none of those things that are stereotypical to middle aged men--women must just experience this in a completely different way. My overwhelming desire is to become the woman that I did not become because I chose a different path years ago. At the crossroads of my youth, I chose marriage,family, and the burbs, NOT urban, sophisticated, professional career woman. I am well aware that there are many women who did choose that path, and many are now desiring MY lifestyle. I also know that many women found a way to balance BOTH lifestyles somehow. But I cannot help what I feel--I loved my life as wife and mother, but now I am craving a life as single career woman. I can handle these feelings most days--I just keep working toward my goals and enjoy life along the way. But moments like last night still occur, and I don't like the way these moments make me feel. I just feel like if I don't run away NOW I may die inside--thankfully these moments pass and I soon begin to realize that all good things come to those who wait. I know these things can and will happen in the due course of time. But does anyone else have these occassional overwhelming moments where they just are dying to run away and start new, completely different lives? Do any of you want to be a new woman, different from the woman you are now? Is this the female version of a midlife crisis?