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#4832 - 10/13/05 07:28 AM
Hard Feelings
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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My elderly Mom has a mind of her own and sets standards that are rather high. Despite the fact that she is dearly loved by all, she is at the cantankerous stage. This is forgiven considering, but she doesn't understand that she is sometimes capable of hurting unnecessarily. She is completely against the woman my son is in a relationship with. Since she is old-fashioned and already opposed to her, she can't be told they are living together. But when they are all at my home, she is very brooding and rude towards (I'll call her T). It is probably because T is of a different ethnic background. My son is very sensitive and a really great guy and it would floor him if he knew what his grandma was thinking. He probably picks up on the vibes anyway. It is killing me. Mom is always remarking to me that he could do better, and maybe that is true, but what could I do about it. The funny thing is that my MIL felt the same way about me and it just alienated her from our family for years. What to do? [ October 13, 2005, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: Scorpio115 ]
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#4835 - 10/13/05 04:49 PM
Re: Hard Feelings
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Member
Registered: 06/26/03
Posts: 621
Loc: pennsylvania
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Scorpio, That is a tough spot. I agree with JJ that honoring a parent or elder is essential but not at the expense of your child or a person of anotehr ethnic background.
If you are ever going to establish a sound, loving reltionship with what looks like your son's budding family, MIL needs to get with the program of maybe she doesn't always get invited to all the family events. Or maybe you just limit them in your own home. And how does your husband feel since it is his mother?
I don't know what I would actually do but I know I would be building bridges with my possible future daughter in law. I would feel a need to include her in all family things and if grandkids would come into the picture, there would be no way I would be excluded from that. My kids come first and sometimes our elders need to understand this and possibly feel it too.
Let us know how it goes.
Lynn
PS I had a cantankerous grandma who blamed the world's troubles on me. A child! That woman never saw me except when it was important to my Dad and I never liked her or included her in my life at all. She was unreasonable and I was not going to change that. It was sad really, broke my Dad's heart, his other did. I did not even recognize her at her viewing. I am not that type of person to cut someone off, but.....how much hurt should a kid take?
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#4837 - 10/13/05 06:42 PM
Re: Hard Feelings
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Member
Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
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Scorpio, Is there a possibility of your son's gf spending some time with you and your mom alone, so that grandma may get to know her on a personal level and see what your son sees in her?
Just a thought.....
Daisygirl
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#4838 - 10/14/05 05:42 AM
Re: Hard Feelings
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Member
Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
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I was so encouraged by all the posted replies I received on my topic of Hard Feelings. You all feel as I do. My mom is very headstrong and I've decided to skip having them all together for dinners. Unfortunately, this will limit the times that my son will have to spend with his grandma, not such a short distance away. And since I can't suggest he drive over with his girlfriend, visiting her is difficult. I am surprised that this is even an issue. She married someone, my dad, who wasn't completely accepted by her family years ago. And considering that my MIL gave me so much trouble that it destroyed her relationship with her own son (my husband) and myself, you would think I wouldn't be facing this. It has led me to look at this girl (T) in a different light and I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way. But, it can happen, as you want everyone to be warm towards your child's selection. Most of us would pick someone else for our children as we think they deserve the best, and I'm sure that their parents may think the same. The older generation sometimes can't be reasoned with and so following your advice, I will have to be a bit more firm with my mom, and stand by my son.
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#4839 - 10/15/05 09:02 PM
Re: Hard Feelings
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Member
Registered: 09/24/05
Posts: 171
Loc: 10 yrs in OH now, 47 yrs in Tx
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My first mother-in-law hated my guts through the day she died. She had 11 kids (my ex-next to the last and the last boy-her baby) and no one was good enough for any of her kids! Tough time! My second marriage and mother-in-law, I threaten to run away and live with when I get upset with my husband, now my parents are gone!
You cannot change people, only yourself, and your son himself. It might be hard on him, but isn't he going to find out about your mom sooner or later, or start asking questions when they aren't at the functions?!
If the girl really loves him and makes him happy, it is no one elses business, and I for one would tell your mom so! I would give her a choices. (psychology 101 and child psychology, works on me)
Choice 1. come to the (all) functions and this is the way it is and you will be decent and be most welcome. Choice 2. Stay home and miss the rest of the family functions and your families lives.
Bet she couldn't stand being away for too long with her pesonality as you have described it!
That is me though. My middle son, 30, is married to a woman that does not especially, really, like me, no matter how hard I try. I just tell myself, I love the way she loves my son and grandson. She is wonderful to them! She seems to love the way I love my son and grandson. We do not have bad words; we just do not have words, hardly. They have been married 5 yrs.
My youngest sons wife is totally different! I want to adopt her, but her parent wont let me! LOL
Difference in personalities!
I am not sure how this helps you, but....... LOL
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