Site Links










Top Posters
Dotsie 23647
chatty lady 20267
jawjaw 12025
jabber 10032
Dianne 6123
Latest Photos
car
Useable gifts!
Winter wonderland/fantasy for real
The Soap lady meets the Senator
baby chicks
Angel
Quilted Christmas Stocking
Latest Quilt
Shelter from the storm
A new life
Who's Online
0 Registered (), 156 Guests and 0 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
3239 Members
63 Forums
16332 Topics
210704 Posts

Max Online: 409 @ 01/17/20 03:33 AM
Topic Options
#4832 - 10/13/05 07:28 AM Hard Feelings
Scorpio115 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
My elderly Mom has a mind of her own and sets standards that are rather high. Despite the fact that she is dearly loved by all, she is at the cantankerous stage. This is forgiven considering, but she doesn't understand that she is sometimes capable of hurting unnecessarily. She is completely against the woman my son is in a relationship with. Since she is old-fashioned and already opposed to her, she can't be told they are living together. But when they are all at my home, she is very brooding and rude towards (I'll call her T). It is probably because T is of a different ethnic background. My son is very sensitive and a really great guy and it would floor him if he knew what his grandma was thinking. He probably picks up on the vibes anyway. It is killing me. Mom is always remarking to me that he could do better, and maybe that is true, but what could I do about it. The funny thing is that my MIL felt the same way about me and it just alienated her from our family for years. What to do?

[ October 13, 2005, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: Scorpio115 ]

Top
#4833 - 10/13/05 07:41 AM Re: Hard Feelings
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Oh dear that IS a problem. I feel for your son and my guess is he knows, somehow, especially if he is a sensitive guy.

Is your Mom approachable at all regarding this issue? I think I would have to tell her with a loving spirit that, "Mom, you are so loved, and SON (whatever his name is) loves this person and you are hurting him by your actions."

Would this work? Or would she explode? I wish I had better advice, but you might also remind her that YOU were once considered an "outsider" in our husbands family and the results were many years of alienation and hurt feelings.

Let us know how it goes. I would hate to see your son forced to make a decision based on HER feelings alone. This doesn't seem fair. I truly believe in honoring our parents, but I don't believe in dishonoring someone because of their ethnic background. I wish you the best with it all!

JJ

Top
#4834 - 10/13/05 04:42 PM Re: Hard Feelings
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Scorpio, this isn't the first time I've heard of similar issues between generations. I'd like to think it's not the race that bothers your mom, but the possible issues they may have to face in our society. Younger generations are much more accepting of biracial couples. Things are getting better! Don't you think?

Top
#4835 - 10/13/05 04:49 PM Re: Hard Feelings
Lynn Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/03
Posts: 621
Loc: pennsylvania
Scorpio,
That is a tough spot. I agree with JJ that honoring a parent or elder is essential but not at the expense of your child or a person of anotehr ethnic background.

If you are ever going to establish a sound, loving reltionship with what looks like your son's budding family, MIL needs to get with the program of maybe she doesn't always get invited to all the family events. Or maybe you just limit them in your own home. And how does your husband feel since it is his mother?

I don't know what I would actually do but I know I would be building bridges with my possible future daughter in law. I would feel a need to include her in all family things and if grandkids would come into the picture, there would be no way I would be excluded from that. My kids come first and sometimes our elders need to understand this and possibly feel it too.

Let us know how it goes.

Lynn

PS I had a cantankerous grandma who blamed the world's troubles on me. A child! That woman never saw me except when it was important to my Dad and I never liked her or included her in my life at all. She was unreasonable and I was not going to change that. It was sad really, broke my Dad's heart, his other did. I did not even recognize her at her viewing. I am not that type of person to cut someone off, but.....how much hurt should a kid take?

Top
#4836 - 10/13/05 06:27 PM Re: Hard Feelings
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
It appears that your mom feels she has a lot of power in the family, something that is very hard to make go away. Are you maybe, a little afraid of her? I was of my parents, even at the age of 45! That was pathetic.

I think you're going to have to take a stand and tell her you don't want to hear anything negative about T because you like her. Or, you could just stay silent and she will get your message by no response. But, I would take the response path so she will know exactly where you stand.

Maybe not have mom and T at the same gatherings, if possible?

When my oldest son got his girlfriend pregnant, my dad called me and said awful things about the girl and was blaming her for the pregnancy. I just listened and when he finally asked me what I felt I told him that my son should have kept his pants zipped and he was just as much to blame as the girl. He didn't like it and my parents have said negative things about my son's wife and I just tell them...well, I like her.

Sometimes, it can take just one person in a family to change the negativity and it might be you!

Good luck. Not a fun thing.

Top
#4837 - 10/13/05 06:42 PM Re: Hard Feelings
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
Scorpio, Is there a possibility of your son's gf spending some time with you and your mom alone, so that grandma may get to know her on a personal level and see what your son sees in her?

Just a thought.....

Daisygirl

Top
#4838 - 10/14/05 05:42 AM Re: Hard Feelings
Scorpio115 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/05
Posts: 44
Loc: New York
I was so encouraged by all the posted replies I received on my topic of Hard Feelings. You all feel as I do. My mom is very headstrong and I've decided to skip having them all together for dinners. Unfortunately, this will limit the times that my son will have to spend with his grandma, not such a short distance away. And since I can't suggest he drive over with his girlfriend, visiting her is difficult. I am surprised that this is even an issue. She married someone, my dad, who wasn't completely accepted by her family years ago. And considering that my MIL gave me so much trouble that it destroyed her relationship with her own son (my husband) and myself, you would think I wouldn't be facing this. It has led me to look at this girl (T) in a different light and I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way. But, it can happen, as you want everyone to be warm towards your child's selection. Most of us would pick someone else for our children as we think they deserve the best, and I'm sure that their parents may think the same. The older generation sometimes can't be reasoned with and so following your advice, I will have to be a bit more firm with my mom, and stand by my son.

Top
#4839 - 10/15/05 09:02 PM Re: Hard Feelings
Junebug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/24/05
Posts: 171
Loc: 10 yrs in OH now, 47 yrs in Tx
My first mother-in-law hated my guts through the day she died. She had 11 kids (my ex-next to the last and the last boy-her baby) and no one was good enough for any of her kids! Tough time! My second marriage and mother-in-law, I threaten to run away and live with when I get upset with my husband, now my parents are gone!

You cannot change people, only yourself, and your son himself. It might be hard on him, but isn't he going to find out about your mom sooner or later, or start asking questions when they aren't at the functions?!

If the girl really loves him and makes him happy, it is no one elses business, and I for one would tell your mom so! I would give her a choices. (psychology 101 and child psychology, works on me)

Choice 1. come to the (all) functions and this is the way it is and you will be decent and be most welcome.
Choice 2. Stay home and miss the rest of the family functions and your families lives.

Bet she couldn't stand being away for too long with her pesonality as you have described it!

That is me though. My middle son, 30, is married to a woman that does not especially, really, like me, no matter how hard I try. I just tell myself, I love the way she loves my son and grandson. She is wonderful to them! She seems to love the way I love my son and grandson. We do not have bad words; we just do not have words, hardly. They have been married 5 yrs.

My youngest sons wife is totally different! I want to adopt her, but her parent wont let me! LOL

Difference in personalities!

I am not sure how this helps you, but....... LOL

Top
#4840 - 10/16/05 12:53 AM Re: Hard Feelings
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Scorpio115, Sometimes things left alone can heal by themselves in time...in other words, don't separate the family, have dinners etc. as usual. You make a special effort to be sure his girlfriend feels welcome and included. Fuss about how happy your son in front of your mom. Old habits and prejudices die hard with some older people and I doubt she will change eagerly but with time being exposed to the couples happiness her opinion could ease up. You need to make a special effort to befriend the girlfriend and if you see her getting upset. Take her aside and explain that you understand but mom is old and doesn't take change easily. You might equate it to your own past experience. Possibly one day take her and your mom to lunch and let them get to know one another. Good luck! My first MIL hated me too, not her kind of people she said openly but after three years of her brooding I had a beautiful baby and when she saw how happy my husband (her son) was and what a good mom I was she came around and we had a great friendship. It just takes time and understanding but I really think it would be the wrong approach to separate the family and could cause irreperable harm. Let everyone have a great time together and if she broods, she broods that will get old after awhile. My two cents...

Top



NABBW.com | Forum Testimonials | Newsletter Sign Up | View Our Newsletter | Advertise With Us
About the Founder | Media Room | Contact BWS
Resources for Women | Boomer Books | Recent Reads | Boomer Links | Our Voices | Home

Boomer Women Speak
9672 W US Highway 20, Galena, IL 61036 • info@boomerwomenspeak.com • 1-877-BOOMERZ

Boomer Women Speak cannot be held accountable for any personal relationships or meetings face-to-face that develop because of interaction with the forums. In addition, we cannot be held accountable for any information posted in Boomer Women Speak forums.

Boomer Women Speak does not represent or endorse the reliability of any information or offers in connection with advertisements,
articles or other information displayed on our site. Please do your own due diligence when viewing our information.

Privacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer

Copyright 2002-2019 • Boomer Women SpeakBoomerCo Inc. • All rights reserved