When you know you need to distance yourself from someone in your life, how do you go about it if she's part of a larger group of friends that you see on a regular basis? This woman is part of a group of my friends that all go to my gym (and I'm usually there 4 or 5 mornings per week). She is constantly making comments like telling me I bought new tires for my car at the wrong place ((according to her I'd have gotten better tires if I bought them from another place where she just happens to know the owner) or the classes she takes at the gym (that I don't take) give her a better workout that the ones I take. She mentioned she wanted Hello Kitty items for her neices and when I said I saw them in a certain store she said "oh they don't have the real Hello Kitty stuff there those are cheap imitations". I recently got a new car, she saw it yesterday for the 1st time and when she saw the dealer name on the back she said "oh I didn't know you were going there we know the owners I could have gotten you a better deal". My reply was "we did got a good deal" and she said "No matter what kind of deal you got I could have gotten you a better one". !!!! that was it for me. A bunch of us were at lunch -- including some of our gym instructors -- and she sat right there going on about how a certain instructor was her favorite -- (that instructor wasn't there) even though these other instructors were sitting there and she takes their classes several times a week. Is she just clueless? Miserably unhappy?? She has no other friends -- never talkes about doing anything with anybody else. Sends me texts on my phone all the time with stupid pictures and things I have no interest in. Her only hobby is shopping. I like the other gals in our group but yesterday's comment about the deal on my car was the last straw for me, I've had it with her. I've done my best to ignore her when she says things like that but I just don't want to be around her anymore. I don't want her texting me, calling me,or anything else. I'm done with her. But there she is at my gym.........and do I need to cut myself off from my other friends because I don't want to be around her? Most of the time it seems like it's just me that she seems to need to put down to make herself feel better. I can see why she doesn't have many friends and why she's told me about other women that used to be her friends but won't hang around with her anymore.
Of course much later it came to me that what I should have said was "If you can get such a great deal there why didn't you buy YOUR car there??!!?"
yes it seems to me that I've written about this same problem with this same woman before. Things get better for a while then she comes back with some zinger like yesterday (and there have been more in the last two weeks she's really been on a roll). I don't want to change gyms. I sure wish she would!

Ann,
I wish I had an answer for you. Sorry you're going through this
misery. I'm sure you're praying for a resolution to this problem. And we'll pray you're given an answer filled with wisdom and peace. We all know life is short and we need to find happiness to the fullest. Prayers and blessings...!

Cross,
I wanted to wish Dee a happy birthday but didn't want to cover up your query for help. What happens if you give this thorn-in- your side, the cold shoulder? Would that do any good????

Cross,
I wish somebody else would jump in here. I've experienced toxic people messing with my emotions and had to get them out of my life. If a person is successful, there's always someone that doesn't like that. If you're down and out, there will be people who don't want your bad luck rubbing off on 'em. Some folks always have to be [1 up] on the other guy. But when a toxic catalyst is right there, in your core group, it's a very sticky situation. Let us know how you work out of this uncomfortable environment. I surmise everybody experiences this type of garbage once or more during their lifetime!!!

Crossstitch
could you ask another woman in the group to follow up these unfair statements by questioning what is meant...it could be in the guise of "Not hearing" leaving you to add your opinion but not standing alone.this woman could lighten the chat.be light hearted and diffuse any issue.

She sounds like a lonely person and you're probably a very polite person so far..

Cross, Is she making anyone else's life miserable, or just yours?

In re-reading your message I noted that you mention she is a PART of a group of your friends, all of whom go to the same gym So I was just curious as to whether she practices these irritating ways with everyone in the group - or just picks on you.

If she's an "equal opportunity" abuser, then it seems to me that the others must be feeling the same aggravation and frustration. In that case, maybe all of you could band together and stage a "friendly intervention" of sorts, where you all get together and tell her that you appreciate her friendship overall, and you want to continue to work out together at the same gym, etc.

But that you want to declare your workout time to be a "stress and negativity free zone," (or something equally positive sounding term that you come up with).

Which means that all comments made during your time together have to be positive, supportive and uplifting.

Perhaps you can then make a game out of fining everyone in the group a quarter - or even a buck - apiece, for any comments that are critical of anyone in the group.

Then propose to have the funds generated by any transgressors go to a worthy cause, such as a food bank, or some charity that you all agree on.

I dunno. My idea will take a lot of effort at first, but I think it could force the offending woman to focus on her words before she utters them... And do it in a way in which no one's feelings will get hurt.

Alternately, if she is only picking on you, then you probably need to to flat out tell her how you feel about the things she is saying. But do it privately.

I'm not a pro at this, but it seems to me that you may be able to save her feelings if you approach her PRIVATELY, after the gym session is over. Maybe ask her to help you run an errand, or invite her for coffee.

Then, when you are alone, tell her there is something the two of you need to discuss.

Best if you move into the discussion by focusing on YOUR FEELINGS rather than directly attacking her ACTIONS.

You could do this by saying something like, "You know Jane, when I hear 'why did you buy this,' or 'whatever possessed you to take that action,' it makes me feel like you're putting me down and questioning my ability to make sound decisions. That hurts my feelings."

If you keep the criticism focused on how you feel, instead of saying something like "Jane, why are you are always so rudely criticizing me in front of everyone else..." -- I think you will be able to get your point across without disrupting the overall harmony of the group.

Now, having said that, if there is anyone else out there who is trained in intervention techniques, please speak up! I'm just an amateur!

Good luck, Cross!

Anne

Good comments Anne
yes I am trained.The taking aside to be in private is the right way to speak to the lady.What and how you say it is short and to the point.You establish the conversation wont take long..
opening with ..While we have time I have something to say.
"Jane...when you mentioned my purchase of my car you seemed to me put me down...I am asking you to modify what you say to me in the group because as an adult with the ability to make my choice of car dealer.I believe in other instances you have said similar things..I let them pass but want you to know that I will not accept my gym time being depleted in this way."
Its then that you retain the power by saying "Goodbye Jane" do not discuss further..
Many people when challenged say "I was just joking"..or "I always do this..OH my big mouth" They may seek pity for their status...upbringing..They may feign forgetfulness.then is not the time to enter into dialogue you simply say that you have said all that is needed for you.

My first suggestion.... by asking another to aid you you are introducing a new mind set...the others in the group may see you as being tolerant..and some situations are diffused by a united front...some in a group just sit back,it depends on the maturity of the others...some have thick skins...some are timid..the gym is a level playing field where you should all be relaxed.
best wishes on handing this irritation.

It seems that no matter where we go these days there is one person in the group who is a troublemaker. Me personally, I ignore them!!! This works for me and eventually the person just leaves me alone knowing she will be ignored or laughed at.

That works for me, Chatty. My favorite sister likes that ole adage, Give someone enough rope and they'll hang themselves.