It's true that I have lived on very, very little for a very, very long time. I've taken my cues from the spider, who can hang on and stick to her web in very harsh conditions, going for months without a single morsel in her web. I've taken my cues from the ascetics, who say that it's a blessing to be satisfied with very little.

Every time life took something away from me, I counted it a victory when I learned to live without it. Hell, I even pared my life down to really only wanting 2 things: to be an author, and to find my heart's home, my real love.

Well, I'm an author, but so far, I'm not earning a living from my writing. I may as well not have written anything at all. And the one I thought, believed, trusted, with all my heart and mind and body, replaced me in a heartbeat. Like he was longing to be free of me for a very long time, all the while professing his undying love and devotion.

Am I ever going to trust another human being that way again? I doubt it. Do I want another human being to be physically intimate with me? I can't conceive of it. I miss what I thought I had, but at least in the past few months, it wasn't real.

The thought disgusts me beyond belief. It horrifies me that I could be so deceived -- & self-deceived as well.

A favor... maybe they ARE doing me a favor. Maybe in a couple of years, I'll be able to think that way. But why me? Of all the people in the world who are living out illusions, why did MY life have to be shattered?

Today, I forced myself to start organizing and filling sections in my new daytimer. Forcing myself to think about next week, and next month, and the rest of next year. Unless I can find some way to support myself, I don't see or feel much of a future for me.

God's around here somewhere. I don't know what she/he has in mind. Nothing makes any sense to me anymore.... but I doubt if I could ever attempt suicide, because I just don't believe in it, and aside from being absolutely terrified of the sensation of not being able to breathe -- which ultimately, every method of suicide brings on at the very end -- I normally don't do stuff that I'm convinced is that wrong.

But I still think about it all the time. The pain is just that bad. I surround myself with the good things that have happened recently -- pictures of my trip with my sister, my new straw hat, the copies of my cookbook that i just bought for promotional stuff.... I try to accomplish at least one positive thing every day.... buty it all feelslike a bunch of bandaids over a wound that needs major surgery.

And Raul.... is apparently happier than he's ever been in his life. I feel like I'm starving to death while watching other people eating like crazy. (This happened, by the way, when I was a kid. My parents practically abandoned me, and I went hungry, cold, and tattered a whole lot. This situation brings that back into my face -- like, why do other people get to have these wonderful things, while I'm living on nothing? Understandably, I've been bingeing an awful lot lately.)

So I'm a real wreck. But I'm going to throw myself into my next project, which is another cookbook, something parents will want to buy for their kids leaving home for college, but which their kids probably will not even read. At this point, I don't care anymnore if people even read the damned books, as long as they BUY them.

Well, I was wrong about the date I told for my mental health appointment at the county hospital. They told me Dec. 30, which is NOT tomorrow, but Tuesday. I'm not even sure they told me the truth, because they have not sent me a reminder. Time to get on the phone and find out the truth.

Tomorrow is the anniverssary of my mother's birthday, too. The last couple of years it hasn't bothered me very much... this year it just might throw me for a loop, as she would say.

A freind sent me some pretty interesting affirmations last week. I've been trying to be faithful to usee them in prayer. I'll post them later if I have the energy.

Thanks for listening.... it's going to be a long road ahead ofme. Your caring gives me strength!
Love,
Lil