My cancer diagnosis was quite a long time ago now, but I remember it so well. It wasn't until the night before surgery that it really hit me. My mind was just suddenly bombarded with the thought, "I'm going to die.". I faced my own mortality head on and was defenseless against it.

At that point, I went on automatic pilot. I went through the surgery, but there was no fight left in me. I had resigned myself to not recovering. A lot of people were praying for me and I was praying for my kids. I was so afraid they would be left alone, but I was helpless to do anything.

Then one day in the hospital, the thought, "I can't die. I have two kids." just suddenly lit up in my mind and I knew I had to fight.

Later when I got my chart and I read it, I could see the point where things changed. For several days after surgery, every entry said I appeared depressed and was uncooperative and withdrawn. I wouldn't get out of bed or do any of the things necessary to recover from the surgery. There seemed to be nothing I could do and I just couldn't care any more.

Then one day the nurse noted seeing me in the hall at the lunch cart and she wrote in the notes that I told her I was getting all the extra sugar packets for my kids. I'm sure that is the day of the light in my mind. From that point on all the entries were positive. I had taken on the monster inside me and I knew I would be okay.

There was no way I could possibly see it then, but the whole experience turned out to be a blessing. I began to see things better. It's truly amazing how something like that heightens your senses and increases your gratitude. So many things that I had previously taken for granted suddenly seemed so wonderful and there was so much joy in my heart at just being alive. I was calmed for the treatments and poised for the fight. I knew I would win.

The experience made us all stronger and afterward when things went wrong, the girls and I faced it with much greater faith.

smile