Hey, Ladies. Lately I have flabbergasted by the changes I am going through due to my medication. I am on a low dose of Risperdal plus a high dose of Celexa. Earlier this year, I was finally able to admit to my psychiatrist that I had small hallucinations, heard voices and other annoying things in my head, and so forth. It turns out that the anti-psychotic medication also seems to work on delusional thinking... things I didn't know were delusional for 46 years of my life have suddenly become very clear to me. These things are kind of hard to explain to my psychiatrist, but they are very real to me.

Is this an OK place to discuss this? One of the things that I realized was delusional was the belief that I could and should have writing as my only vocational goal, that I should not be exposed to the regular workaday world that "ordinary" people have to deal with. I realized that based on the kind of things I write and the infrequency with which I am able to write and publish... I'm never going to be able to make a living at it. It was a relief to realize this, because I was beating myself up for "failing" at writing as a career... but it was also the death of a dream, so it was a mixed blessing. When I finally told my counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation, I sobbed like a child and ended up crying for two days.

I had always been afraid of being just an ordinary person, without something incredibly special and terribly significant to my name... but the awesome truth is that I have a ways to go before I can move up to ordinary, in terms of taking care of myself, earning a living, and so forth. I see now that I was trying so desperately to make myself worthy by supposing myself above most other mortals, and so I went about trying to make myself worthy in a horrible way. Does this make any sense? Typing it here makes it sound like less of a stunning realization than it really is. Makes me sound like a horrible person, which I hope I am not. Is this the right place to talk about stuff like this? I have the medication to thank for the clarity I feel, and I would like to find a place to talk about stuff like this, but so far, this is the only place I have found. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about?
Love,
Lil