Dear Mamacat,

I've found the affects of grief are cumulative. So at times,I would think, well, gee, I handled this and this and this alright. I'm going to be okay always. And then something else would happen and it all would hit me. I would be afraid to cry because I was afraid that once I started, there was this unending vat of tears, and I would never be able to stop. Mostly, I don't cry physical tears. Sometimes I picture myself crying, the tears pouring down my face.

That happened to me the first time years ago when my brother killed his neighbors, and I had to help the family get through the awful tragedy. I had to wait to cry. So I'd picture the tears coming down my face, and I'd feel the ache.

After my dad died it took me two and half years to really cry...oh there were a few tears now and then before that. With my latest loss, my sister died in June, I have hardly cried at all. But lately I noticed that I'm feeling the ache and picturing the tears again, running down my face. I feel the emptiness...I think of the ways we weren't close because we were so different. She loved me. I loved her...still do, of course. Knowing that she is free of the pain of her liver cancer does help, and that she is happy in her new life, helps too. But the hole is there.

I was thinking about it the other day and about all the losses over time and the way the world has changed since I was little - I'm 56. And I thought about the few really strong old women I have known and how much I respect them and their ability to have a good and satisfying life, in spite of/because of all the awful things that happened to them. If I have the opportunity to grow up to be a very old woman, I want to grow up to be like them. I'm going to explore these ideas in a book of fiction about several strong old women. It will be good therapy for me and hopefully for others who read it. We need heros again, good strong ones we can emulate. For me they are Aunt Lottie, friend Tosca and Aunt Ida. Their strength shines in my heart.

Bless you in the days ahead, you, Dreamer and Eagle Heart and all the other lovely women who have expressed their beauty and their losses. May you all find peace and comfort.

Vi