Well, I am convinced that I was being led to a comforting place when I found this site. All of you are being so supportive. And we've never even met in person. Really, I'm so touched by the compassionate replys I get when I post.

I went to the NIH DR. with John. We spend two and a half hours going over my whole history, from childhood on. It was grueling and we had to stop once in awhile because I felt so drained.

Dr. Spear, as I've mentioned before is a research scientist at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). He's a psychiatrist, endrochronologist, and brain specialist.

He is a wonderful, soft spoken, dedicated doctor. He doesn't just have a medical degree . . . he is truly a healer.

He wants me to see a cognitive therapist in conjunction with my meds. This means leaving my old therapist which is very sad to me. I have to say, Bruce is more like a good friend, than a therapist. Dr. Spear knows this will be hard for me, but says that the combination of meds and a good cognitive therapist is the best way to treat chronic depression.

So, he's searching and I'm waiting to see who he finds. And hopefully, it will be someone who takes my insurance.

He changed my meds by just increasing dosages (tweaking) of some and added a new one.

He also assured me that there are many meds available to someone like me, many I've never tried. So, I should not give up hope.

Ladies, I think it's because I was talking about all of the tradgedies in my life, but Sunday was terrible. I couldn't hold the lump in my throat any longer. I didn't want to go to our annual family gathering, but my husband basically made me. I knew I was going to start crying and didn't want my grandsons to see me that way. Sure enough, I stepped into my mom's house, took one look at my daughter-in-law and had to go upstairs immediately. I cried so hard.
My daughter-in-law stayed with me and my family was great. Everyone was so understanding.

I won't let myself cry, usually, but this just spilled out of me.

I don't want to talk about it now, but I have had a number of real life tradgedies in my life. Dr. Spears, after hearing about my life, told me that it's amazing that I've accomplished so much in my life and that I'm able to still give to others. His comment made me feel better about myself. Maybe I'm just doing the best I can.

I am a perfectionist and just find it difficult to "give myself a break." I always have believed that everyone has challenges and that if you make up your mind, you can overcome anything.

That's why Dr. Spears wants me to try cognitive therapy. He says I really need to learn how to accept myself and love myself and stop trying to be a perfectionist.

I understand what he's saying, but have no idea how one changes oneself. In other words, I'm much harder on myself than I would ever, ever be on anyone else.

How do you change what you've been telling yourself for years? Does anyone understand what I mean? Has anyone here ever learned how to change their thinking?

This is going to be interesting.

Love to everyone,
Emily