Well, I never thought I'd require soliciting advice from a message board, but here I am. *sigh*

I am contemplating divorce and it's heartbreaking to say the least. I'll try and put this in a "Reader's Digest" version.

Hubby and I married at age 23, have three children (for the record, used three different methods of birth control...guess God had other plans!) He had trouble holding a job, we fought while I worked two and rarely three jobs while pregnant each time. After a fight about money (go fig)...he did what he would usually do which was walk out. At that time, I told him I was tired of his running away to come back like nothing happened, no resolution ever...just "ignore it and it will go away" mentality, and if he walked out the door, I would file for divorce. He didn't believe me. I filed for divorce, stayed with my parents which was awful. After birth of 3rd child was on my own after a year. I was making 17k a year and my pride didn't allow me to use any type of public assistance. It was terrible.

I was awarded supervised visitation and did not make it easy for him. He did rise to that occassion. He was using marajuana prior to the divorce and was a source of our money problems. While he continued to use, he never missed time with the kids. He attempted to get sole custody, but with no job and the refusal to take a drug test, that is how I obtained the supervised visitation. Also, he was always behind on support.

To his credit, he was always there for the children. It was heartbreaking for me, because he was always available to the kids. Two years pass, we were civil, he stopped smoking and we got along well. Money always seemed the stressor in the marriage. I was working in radio, and one day he came to me and asked me if I could be a stay at home mother and if he enlisted in the military, would I consider marrying him again and putting the family back together.

I agreed. While in the military he had an affair. I only have proof of one, but suspect there were at least two others. I demanded counselling, he went and lied through all of it. I caught him by setting up a bogus email from the woman I suspected the affair with, and he told her it was over. Not much of a consolation considering he had me conviced I was crazy. But, through God's grace, we got through it.

Our kids are well adjusted, great students, no behavior issues, ect.... He decides to get out of the military after 11 years. We moved back to hometown where I was offered a radio gig again.

Cutting to the chase out of the past 2 years we have been back, he was unemployed for the first 7 months, got a job and was fired after 11 months, unemployed again for 5 months, got a job and is in his probation period and his review was awful. He's been informed that he has 30 days to "learn it" or he's gone. It's factory work, not brain surgery.

I know God hates divorce, but I am sooooooo tired. Our children are 19,16,15 and 9. We cannot even meet basic needs. A car is always breaking down, we need dental work done, behind in payments on just about everything but our rent.

I have been blessed at my job, but only make about 32k a year. Is it possible to raise four children on that and not live in a dangerous part of town?

I don't want to use public assistance, because being in radio, my name is fairly recognisable. {I hope that doesn't sound like an inflated ego talking...my pride...probably...but just a silly fact that my name is known around town.) "Hi, I'm "blah blah from xyz radio...here's my food stamps!" I feel so shameful. I'm not looking for vacations in the Bahamas...but I would like to live in a safe neighborhood and drive (not new) but dependable transportation. I have recently found out he's been buying Rx pain killers from a "friend of his" because his legs really hurt him from having to stand all day on the job. *eye roll*

Am I stuck? I don't even know where to look for resources. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I feel like a complete nincompoop!

Also, sorry this ended up being the posting equivalant to "War and Peace". *groan*

Thanks in advance,
starryeyes