Empty nest & Mom's death

It's been one year exactly since my mom died, and not only having to contend with that, but my 23 yo daughter is at grad school out in California. My almost 20 year old son is a freshman at college in another state, also. So...everything has hit at once - at least when my daughter was an undergrad, I had my mother to speak with everyday, and my son was a senior in high school. My daughter would come home every few weeks, and life was good. My mother passes away, and my daughter decides she HAS to go to grad school 3000 miles away - nope, schools around here not good enough. Just when I needed her the most, she leaves. Then my son goes. I'm in the throes of menopause, diagnosed with T-2 diabetes a year ago, and I'm in such a funk. At times, I welcome the quiet, and other times, I'm at such loose ends. My husband and I, alone again for the first time in 23 years, are trying to reconnect as adults, again.
I'd love for someone to tell me that "this too shall pass", and I won't resent my daughter for wanting to relocate to the West Coast permanently.

AbbyK, sorry to hear you have so much going on at once.

The one thing I might mention is that your daughter is not moving away to get away from you and leave you stranded. She is doing what comes naturally for someone her age.

I have a child considering the possiblilites of school in CA and I'm in MD. I hear ya about the distance. But I figure they have to do what they want to do to carry on with their life plans.

And that's what you need to do too!

Perhaps instead of looking at this as such a difficult time, you can look at it as a new beginning.

What did you and your hubby enjoy doing BK (before kids)?

What have you been waiting to do for yourself all the years you were raising kids?

Anything that gets you jazzed is what you should try to focus on.

This will pass, but it will take time and action on your part.

I have suffered through the death of Mom too. I know time is healing that wound. It's been five years.

As far as speaking to your Mom every day...do you have a friend, sister, cousin to call on?

Life sounds a little lonely for you right now. I'll pray you begin looking at ways to fill in the loneliness.

Then, in September, will you can back and cheer me on when my two high school seniors (the two youngest) leave for college. That's when I'm going to need the kick in the pants!

Stick around. Read our site. Visit NABBW anad read some of those articles. We'll get you through this.

Thanks Dotsie,

You've given me some great advice. Today I had a good day - upbeat and fun. It's a rollercoaster - some days good, many days - sad and yes, I, too, feel I'm suffering from loneliness. You know you spend your children's lives trying to bring them up to be responsible and independent, and don't they just go and do that!!!

This is especially true for those of us who chose to stay home. We don't have another passion to focus our thougths on so we have to create one. It can be rather fun. That's how this site was launched, and www.nabbw.com. All in preparation for the empty nest.

Who knows what God has in store for you!

May I say count your blessings?

I never had children (but had the dream of them), my mother is deceased for nearly 31 years now.

So, may I say to think about the blessings of having children to, at least, talk to on the phone. One day they'll be better at communicating w/you as I have with Dad. It took a while, but I still need him at age 48.

Plus, it's wonderful that you and DH are working on re-connecting. Many are divorced and have NO ONE!

[ April 10, 2006, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: Di ]

Di,
You are so right. It is difficult, but life seems so much easier when we view things in perspective. We can focus on what we do not have and the losses in our lives, or we can focus on the gifts we have been given and the joy of being who we are.

I hope you can see that in your life as well. God designed us all different so together we make up His body. It's not always easy, but we should rejoice in that difference. (I Corninthians chapter 12).

smile

Hi, AbbyK. You really have a lot of major life changes going on. I agree with everything Dotsie said. I went through a bunch of major changes recently, too, and some days it seemed like nothing would ever seem "normal" again.

A few months ago I started scrapbooking. I am now passionate about it - for me it brings back all kinds of good memories, some sad ones, but it fills in gaps and shows me what I've accomplished and experienced over the last 35 years or so. I actually think it's therapeutic (theraputic?) as well as constructive - you finally get those boxes of pictures out and organized! I met a couple of people who love doing it, too - we get together once or twice a month and spend the whole day chatting and completing pages, we have lunch - think about it!
Dreamer

Hi. New here, but wow, I'm finding so many threads and forums that hit home. My mother died at the end of 2004, then DD #2 moved out when she got married October 2005 and now DD#3 has just left for college. The only child left at home is the boy and he doesn't talk much....(or if he does, it's rehashed routines from Comedy Central, most of which I don't get - guess you had to be there). And besides, my son is a high school senior and sometimes the only evidence he still lives here is the dirty socks and the missing bologna.

Like Dreamer, I have gotten into scrapbooking. In fact, I pretty much wrangled all my siblings into working on a 'family heritage' book for our children and future grandchildren that gives our parents' geneology with pictures and stories. We finished our Dad's book in June and are beginning work on our Mom's book this month. Not only has working on these books been interesting and a way to remember our folks, but it has been the opportunity to spend time with my siblings. Even though we live near to each other, we're all so busy we don't get together except at holidays. To me, it seems the best way to honor our parents' memory is to stay close to each other.

At any rate, whether you can do it with your siblings or not, a 'family history' scrapbook is a wonderful project.

dejavu, my nest is gradually emptying for the first time this fall. One of the activities I look forward to is getting all the family pictures organized. Seems I was very good at it when the kids were little, then they started getting shoved in boxes. I'm don't industrious enough to tackle the whole family memory idea yet, but it's a great one.

Please visit www.biographicadocs.com. You might enjoy seeing what this company does to preserve family stores. My youngest son interned with them making videos.

DeJaVu I had to laugh out loud with your comment on you son and the dirty socks and missing balogna, which brought back memories of my own two sons...before they married and moved away.

DeJaVu
I love where you've gone with this thread. I like your ideas and I've done the same, sorta, kinda...except mine are all on CD's. I was thinking Christmas gifts. So I took pictures of Mom and Dad, their young lives, middle, and the NOW, and put them on CD's with music and viola! Instant Christmas gift for my sisters.

JJ

It was a really fun project. On my Dad's side, we were only able to go back to about the 1830's, but we did find information on both grandfathers who fought in the Civil War, which was way cool. We also found a letter written by my dad's grandfather in which he mentions his grandkids as being a 'bully lot'.

On my mother's side, a cousin has done a geneology chart that goes back to the 1600's, but without much data beyond births and deaths. We do however, have a journal kept by her grandfather, circa 1900, when he was a detective in the Detroit police force. So that's pretty interesting. It's also been fun to find photos of relatives that we only remember as elderly, but which show them as young and goofing off.

I like the idea of the CD with music. We have pix on CD but not fancied up with music or anything.

jawjaw, I'm feeling lazy. I have three sisters and a brother. I'm praying one of them will be the creative ones and I'll get the CD already made for Christmas!

My daughter just did her 1st scrapbooking project for my Mom's 90th Birthday. She researched the 9 decades of my Mom's life and made a lovely book to view at the party. Everyone was amazed. She included all facts and pictures of family and friends during each decade. It brought tears to everyone's eyes, especially the older relatives who were there and could vividly remember so much of the good old days.

Pam, sounds like you raised a sweet, sensitive daughter. Are all three generations in the same town? If so, that's such a blessing for all of you, and very rare these days.

Yes Dotsie, all three generations are only about 30-40 minutes away. Both my girls and my niece as well are very sweet and loving. They call Grandma to check on her regardless of where they are. The boys, my nephews are wonderful as well. I know we are lucky that we all live a short distance away since so many families are states away. I do see the possibility of things changing down the road and that makes me a bit sad. However, the northeast is very expensive to live. Taxes are astronomical and wouldn't it be great if the girls could stay as "at home moms" and not return to work? I guess that's another thread, but I have such fond memories of being able to be home with my girls growing up.

My daughter is gone now too, Lives in Novia socia Canada, I havent seen her in nearly 3 yrs, she was in the Navy for a while, but quit when she met a Canadian Sailor, and now is mom herself to twin boys almost two years old, I lost my mom 2 yrs ago and its still so very difficult at times for me,, My sisters live in Florida, but we call each other once in a while and communicate daily with emails. My husband and I are closer then we have ever been, cause we just get out and do things and have fun, In August it hit us even harder that you just have to do the things you want to do and dont put it off, We had his mom and step dad visiting with us for one day short of a week from Texas we all had a really good time, They went back home and was home for less then a week and he died, he had an anerism in his heart, So we treasure that we had that time together and had fun, and mom treasures the pictures we took, The last pictures made of him smiling and having fun, I havent been able to bring myself to get them scrapbooked yet, And its hard for me not being able to see my daughter and grandchildren, but some how life goes on doesnt it. we just make the best of things, and we have to find ways to bring ourselves a little happiness, sorry this is so long, I will get off the soapbox now

How shocking to have a good friend die a week after he visited you. I know that feeling; we've experienced that too. At the time I felt so grateful that we at least had spent his last few days together. That was a great comfort for me.
Nevadaangel, You do have something, though, that many people don't have. You have a special closeness to your husband. That is a daily present to your self.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."
-- Victor Hugo

Nevada, thank God for email, right? Do you correspond with your daughter online? Have you tried the online camera where you can see one another in real time?

Dotsie, I didnt know about an on line camera can you tell me the url for it?
I talk to my daughter with msn messenger, when she has time to be on line, the twins keep her busy,

It's something you buy and sit at your computer. I'll ask my kids and get back to you.

My son has a Mac and I know he can set it so that others can see him. He's given friends tours of his apartment at school by walking around his apartment with his computer. Isn't that wild?

How are you doing now? I know it has been quite a while since you first posted.
My mom died on Nov 24 and my younger daughter moved out in Sept. She moved to the Midwest. Luckily she decided to come home for thanksgiving. She and mom were close. She got to visit before mom died. I really miss both of them.
I text message my daughters a lot. It works great. I don't have to have my computer with me when I feel like telling her something, and she can look at it when she has a moment. One daughter only lives a few hours away so I get to see her regularly and my younger daughter will be back next winter.
My mom always said "this too shall pass" whenever she had a problem with a child to deal with. I try to keep that in mind when I am feeling sorry for myself. I don't know if my husband misses our daughters as much as I do, he doesn't mention it much.

aunty,don't you just love getting text messages from your kids. SInce I just learned to text a few months ago, I get so tickled when they text me. It always makes me smile! How old are your children?

I am sorry to hear about your mom's death? How is the mourning process going? I lost my mom five years ago. Tiem definitely helps but I still find myself missing her at Christmas. So much of what I do is because of what she did around the holidays so I think of her often.