Fathers, Daughters, and Husbands

To carry the Dads and Daughters topic in another direction, I wonder how our relationships with our fathers affects our relationships with our mates.

For example, my husband reminds me of my Dad, mostly in his little mannerisms and sometimes I tease him about it. I loved and admired my Dad so much that my husband takes any comparison as a compliment.

I wonder how much our fathers affect our choice in mates. In other words, do we look for men very much like or unlike our fathers?

Anyone make comparisons?
smile

In many ways, I'm just like my father. If anything, I married a man more like Mom -- unhappy, verbally abusive and insecure.

[ August 02, 2005, 02:57 AM: Message edited by: meredithbead ]

My first marriage was to a totally, absolutely, completely OPPOSITE type of guy than my Dad - and my Dad never "approved" of him either. My second marriage was to a man VERY MUCH like my Dad; mannerisms, preferences, feelings, expressions -....and my Dad really liked my husband a LOT (no surprise there!). After the instability of my first marriage, the stability and security David offered me was very appealing....my Dad told me before he died that he "knew I'd be in good hands" with David and that was all he had wished for. I know that my Dad's feelings certainly influenced my decision to marry David. I wanted him to feel that I would be "OK". My Dad passed away a year after walking me down the aisle.

I've thought a lot about father-daughter relationships in the 17 years since my own father died. In my own case, I deliberately chose a man to marry who was NOT like my father. Dad was an entertaining friend and companion (after I was grown), but was not good husband-and-father material. I tried to find a man who had Dad's good characteristics (humor and curiosity)and none of his bad characteristics (self-centeredness, self-pity, and lack of dependability). My father and I were seriously estranged from the time I was about 18 until I was 31; he decided to dump all responsibility for his wife and daughters when he retired from the AF (when I was 18), divorced my mother, and withdrew all support from us (financial and emotional). Guess, today, we'd call it a "mid-life crisis." Anyway, I was bitter and resentful and hurt and it took me until I was a full-fledged adult and mother for the first time to see him as a man with problems and not as a lousy father. He died when I was 39 (he was 78), but we had been able to cobble together a "friendship" that we both enjoyed once I got over the disappointment and hurt he caused. Funny, but I still miss him.

I got confused and responded to this in the dads & daughters thread. LLL

I am more like my dad and therefore married a guy how has some similiarity to my mom in personality/temperament.

In turn, I am more like my husband's dad in personality and temperament - and my husband seems to be more like his mom.

I think the relationship with Dads and Daughters has a signficant and lasting impact on relationships with spouses. I believe that until any issues remaining from power struggles from childhood are resolved that they will continue to circle throughout a marriage.