MIL not respecting our wishes

I love my MIL dearly...but, she did something today that has me extremely upset with her. Her next to the youngest daughter, Robin (44) is a crack head and a schitzophrenic (sorry if I did not spell that correctly). Mom uses Robin's mental illness to excuse her behavior and Robin's behavior has been known to be very hateful and abusive. We've talked to mom about this until we're blue in the face with no results so we gave up months ago on that issue. Two years or so ago mom borrowed 5 DVD's from me and Larry and Robin took them and sold them to buy drugs. She replaced one but not the rest. I have not let Robin come to family gatherings or visits in MY home due to her drug use and the people she associates with. There's nothing I can do if Mom wants to allow Robin to hang around her and stay in her home (which she does 90% of the time despite having an apartment of her own). Mom brought Robin to our house about a month ago and I told mom the next day that we did not want Robin to come over due to her drug use. Mom pouted a few days but got over it. I thought everything was clear until today. Mom needed Larry to look at her car and she arrives with Robin...they both walk in like it was normal as could be. Mom was more talkative than normal and perhaps the expression on my face gave away my frustration with her ignoring our request. I thought to myself that I would let Larry handle this later with his mom. When mom left with Robin I told Larry I was upset with his mom and why and Larry, knowing full well what we'd agreed upon before said, "Oh, I thought you meant Robin could not come over on major holidays, not for simple visits." What?????!!!!
The truth is Larry doesn't want to deal with this issue with his Mom. Larry had to go to work and we did not get to discuss it...probably good thing cuz I am upset with him for copping the attitude he has concerning this issue.
This has been a pattern throughout our relationship concerning major, unpleasant issues with his family...he wants to put his head in the sand and I have to force him back out to face reality. Remember the tractor incident? The truck issue? Drives me nuts!! It ends up making me the bad guy because I'm the one who is put in the position to push the issues so they'll get resolved or at least known.
Any words of wisdom? Larry and I are going to calmly talk about this tomorrow and I need some good advice. At the moment I'm just pissed off.

Oh dear, that is a sticky situation.

I couldn’t stand one of my husband’s brothers. But I never thought of forbidding him to come visit, because he was family. ( meanwhile he passed away.)

I suppose if I had demanded that, my husband would have complied, but I wonder if I would have wanted to be, as you called it, the “bad” guy. By not allowing Robin to come to your house, you are risking getting labelled as such, instead of that label remaining on Robin.

Are you afraid she might steal something? How often do you think she would come visit if you allowed it?

I understand about your husband avoiding dealing with the issue. Mine does the same thing about a lot of things. Kind of like...........if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away. I end up being the bad guy lots of times too, and I don't enjoy it.

Not defending his avoiding the issue, but he is kind of stuck in a not-so-great position, between his wife on one side and his mom and sister on the other. And yea,while I think he should stick by you (especially if he agreed that Robin was not allowed at your house -- did he go along with that? the reason I'm asking is because in your post you said "I have not let Robin come to MY home" and well, it's his home too, so I'm wondering if he agreed that she would not be allowed to visit) on the other hand he probably just wants to keep peace with his Mom, too. And mostly he's probably just hoping it'll all go away and he won't have to deal with it.

You said maybe your face gave away your frustration - did MIL say something to let you know that she KNEW she'd gone against your wishes? Is she hoping that if she brings Robin aroud, even though you've said you don't want her there, you'll change your mind? Or is it more of a "we don't care what you want, we're doing what we want" kind of attitude?

Would there be any point in talking to your MIL and asking her (calmly) why she brought Robin with her even though you've said you don't want her at your home, or is that just going to turn into a big arguement?



My husband's from a big family and over the years there have been a few that I would rather not have in my house. I've never actually put my foot down and said they were not allowed to come here (although I would have liked to!) but luckily they don't come around much. And pretty much the ones I really don't want here, he doesn't want around either as they'll steal anything that isn't nailed down.

I think you pretty much got it when you said he doesn't want to deal with it. I wouldn't expect that to change a whole lot.

Sorry.....wish I had some good advice to offer........these are just my thoughts after reading your post.

Oh, Dee, this all is such a shame for everyone concerned. Robin is old enough to know better, but most likely she will never change. If she is schizophrenic, she most likely does not have the internal resources to change. The drugs are a whole other issue, however, and for that reason alone, I can understand your not wanting her in your home.

However (don't you hate that word), I have to wonder how much success you will have trying to keep her out of your home. It seems she wants to be with you and Larry at times. Maybe she sees stability? Love? Hope?

I have had in-laws that I really do not like, not one bit, in my past lives. A few did steal from me, and others were just obnoxious drunks that could ruin a family gathering without even trying. I would get so angry and waste lots of energy on keeping that anger alive. In retrospect it was not worth the time or energy.

Since you asked, and only because you asked, I would suggest lifting the sentence for a while. Perhaps you and Larry could come up with some guidelines for her visits - short, limited, small gatherings, with mom, or something that everyone can agree upon. Then share these with mom and Robin and stick to your guidelines.

Sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but they are just my thoughts.

Don't know if I have any advice. But I do understand. My hubby puts his head in the sand, most of the time. It is impossible to have an indepth conversation with the man.
He says nothing and, I guess, hopes situations will resolve themselves. MIL uses hubby's love 4 her, against his love 4 me. I think, she thinks she has more power over him than I do. Whatever! People with drug problems and emotional problems play all sorts of head games! I'll ask God 2 help U with this 1! Some of the rest of us, R in similar boats.
So don't feel alone.
Prayers and blessings...

P.S. Concentrate on "The Hunks" good points! A lot of men cannot express their feelings, worth a hill of beans!

Thanks for the words of wishes and wisdom...I appreciate it.
Robin's drug use began when she was 14. I've known her for 5 years and in that time she's stolen from us, stolen from her Mother, broken in and stolen from her grandmother, sells her body for drugs with anyone, pawns items from her Mother, has started bringing around a really, really bad guy who is as deep into drugs as she is and manipulates people, especially her Mother, to get what she wants.
On the flip side...there's a really sweet side to Robin, but for the most part, Robin is demanding, pushes her Mother around, curses her in the most vile way, brings drug people into Mom's home and THIS is why we (not just me) want nothing to do with Robin in our own home. When I say MY home I'm including Larry as well.

I spoke with my SIL last night and she said Mom (her Mother, my MIL) had called her saying she thinks she upset me yesterday...(do you think?). She told my SIL that if we don't want Robin up at our place then we need to tell her ourselves...she wasn't going to do it. (I agree with that). What I don't agree with and didn't like was her knowing we'd asked her NOT to bring Robin up here and her doing it anyway. She could have called us to let us know Robin forced herself on Mom when she knew she was coming to our home.
If my MIL told me she didn't want a member of my family in her home because they were dope addicts (none are, thank God) there's no way I'd force them on her...never, ever, ever. I would not disrespect her or her home by doing that.
When larry got home last night I told him what his mom had told Shirley and told him I was disappointed that he copped out on our agreement about Robin being in our home.
Robin hangs with some very sleezy, scary, desperate drug addicts who are known of some pretty scary things. I do not want that entering OUR home.
Part of the reason my MIL and Larry cave so easily with Robin or anyone who walks on them is they hate confrontation of any kind. Larry is even worse than his Mother.
He did call his Mother this morning and tell her that she was out of line bringing Robin up here when she knew we didn't want her in our home...and he explained that we are afraid Robin will steal from us, tell her drug friends where we live and them show up here the way they show up at Mom's house.
Then he spoke with Robin. He told her that he loved her but as long as she's a drug user that she's not invited to come to our home. He told her when she become drug free then she'll be welcome with open arms but he conveyed his concerns about who she hangs out with and that he doesn't want those people thinking they can come here, too.
Let me make this perfectly clear...Robin is probably the most self-centered person on the planet...and I'm not saying that to be hateful or mean. From birth she got everything she ever wanted, she did what she wanted, she treated people how she wanted to get what she wanted and today add that attitude with the very serious drugs she does...it makes for a situation that I do now want brought into mine and Larry's home.
After Larry got off the phone he was in tears...I held him and told him I was proud of him...I know how hard tough love is (ask my younger son)...but, sometimes doing the right thing is damn hard. I know how hard it is to tell people you love they can't do this or that because of their destructive behavior...but, what is the alternative? Allow her to show up here with this guy she hangs out with who is physically abusive, crazy on drugs, capable of doing who knows what and say it's okay because she's my SIL?
She won't go to rehab. She won't stop using. She won't stop any of this...and that's her choice. It's my choice not to allow that into my and Larry's home.
If Larry is upset with me then I guess he's upset with me. It won't be the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. The last thing I want is to go to my front door and see this drugged out crazy man friend of Robins standing there with a gun (which they have). People on drugs do desperate things and family or not there has to be a line drawn.
If my MIL wants 50 drug addicts in her home, that's her business, but she has no right to bring them here, forcing them into our home just because Robin loves her brother. I loved my dad but he was a child molester...I had to walk away from him because of it. I learned that just because they're family doesn't mean you have to let them emotionally blackmail you into accepting their destructive behaviors.
If Larry's family wants to lable me as the bad guy, then I can live with that. I'd rather live with that than a bunch of doped up people coming and going, stealing from us and ruining the peace and quiet Larry and I have finally found in our lives.
If people want to screw up their lives using dope then they can do it elsewhere, not in my home.
THAT's tough love.

Crossstitch..when it comes to Robin, my MIL has absolutely no backbone concerning her daughter. She's molded this behavior into her daughter since birth and I guess she thinks the rest of us needs to put up with it, too. My SIL told me last night that her Mom told her that Robin would always come first...always...and that Larry and she would lose if they ever tried to come between them. I find that absolutely shocking to tell your child...another reason I'm not going to allow Mom to start pushing Robin in on us...she does not have that right and it's wrong to put her other children in that situation. I have taken a few steps back in how I look at my MIL now...I guess the rose colored glasses are finally off and I see more clearly now. Shirley told me I would never win when it comes to mom and Robin...I wasn't trying to win anything...I just wanted Mom to respect our wishes in our own home. In my opinion, she disrespected her son and me and I'm looking at her in a different light now...I've really got to do some praying on this one.

Dee
could you say directly to Robin..."I will ban you if you step out of line..take anything or disrespect your brother or me while in my home"
in front of her mother and your husband.

why shilly shallie? This puts the behaviour back to her..

The red face and cold sweat I know you will feel will pass and really isn't a big deal when she has been a thief.Taking what was yours.

Just looking at pictures of Larry he is a gentle man.He may feel uncomforable so tell him you are going to speak openly to Robin and not behind closed doors since MIL did not respect your wishes.
No need to have big rows.If it helps pretend it is class where you are the teacher and those you are speaking to students.Claim your power..
You deserve to be treated like the lady you are.
Love Mountain ash

Mountain Ash...you're so sweet...yes, Larry is the sweetest guy and has a very tender heart...he hates hurting anyone's feelings and that has allowed people to walk on him and me. It's nothing person against Robin...it's against her drug use and behavior. I've seen Robin at work. A year ago Mom put her foot down about Robin bringing her drug friends into Mom's house...now, because Robin is so good at manipulation and mom's inability to say 'no' to Robin, Artie not only comes and goes but sits down and dines with them...he's known for beating the crap out of his own Mother and although I've enver met the man (and never plan on doing so)...I don't want Robin to get the idea in her head that...hey...I'm able to visit my brother...Artie...let's go visit Larry and Dee....No way...is not going to happen.
This cannot be allowed because Robin will try to take advantage of us and our home...I've seen her do it with her mom and I do not want to go there in our home.
I'm avoiding a much bigger problem that would happen down the road if we allow Robin to come in. Ya'll just have to trust me on this one.
Thank you, MA for saying I'm a lady...I sure didn't feel like it last night when I was so upset...I've calmed down today and Larry stepping up to the plate and speaking to his mom and Robin has helped that a lot. I'm proud of him...I know it was hard and he cried about it...but, maybe it will have some kind of an affect on Robin's drug use...maybe is she sees how her family members are backing away from her...perhaps she'll stop using drugs.
Thanks, Mountain Ash for your words of support...I really need them right now.
Hugs Hugs Hugs

Anne...thank you for your words of support...unless you've lived with it/through it, you just don't know the impact this has on people's lives. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the support. I needed that.

You see Dee ...when I saw the work you did on your home...your patchwork and how you are a survivor I get in your corner.
When someone in a family sees a gentle person they often mistake that character trait.It takes grit to remain gentle when life is tough not to compromise and join the tough rough gang.
Larry needs to be told that you know it was hard for him to speak out but your wisdom looking toward the bigger picture is the goal.
Wrap your arms round Larry,Please dont let the others deplete what you have worked for.
How are the owls...?
Mountain ash

We've been through an addict stealing from us in the past. Fortunately, the addict was too embarrassed for years to even try to come back in our home.

Banning people from your home is a very awkward thing to do, but we must set boundaries. It's our home, for heaven's sake. I'm sure you like to think of your home as a welcoming place and I know it is, but I don't blame you for not wanting her there and living with the fear of learning something's missing, and then what do you do? It becomes even more awkward because you have to approach them, and that's even harder to do. Then they deny, and it just gets worse and worse.

I'm so glad Larry stepped up and followed up! You've got a winner Dee.

Mountain...I'm so glad you're in my corner...thanks...tough love is just that...tough...but, it's done out of love, and that's what I don't think Larry understands quite yet. He called a minute ago...I can hear the sadness in his voice...this is killing him, but I'm having to give him tough love, too, in order to make him do the right thing for our family. I will indeed hold him for as long as possible when he gets home...I hate seeing him hurting and I am upset, still, with his mom for putting us in this situation. But, in the long run it all needed to be said...and hopefully, she'll never do this again.

Dotsie, I am sorry to hear you went through the addict stealing situation as well. It's amazing how many lives these people touch in one way or another. And thanks for noticing...Larry is a winner, bless him...he's such a good guy...he's coming around...this is probably the hardest thing he's ever had to do...tell his mom she crossed the line and then tell his sister she can't come into our home until she cleans up from drugs. Not unreasonable requests in my view. I'm going to cook him a special dinner tonight.

Thanks for your support ... again...I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you all to vent to...feels like home.

I agree! You are a winner Dee. I wouldn't allow anyone back in my home who has stolen from me either. Maybe your banning her, will make her change her way of life. Sounds like it can only get better.

Share with Larry that you know he is finding this hard.
Once he feels the empowered feeling that he is in fact halping both his Mother and sister by setting bounderies he will come round.
Nice meal..secure home he and you worked for.

An addict looses so much by the poor choice they took.
Mountain ash

Dee, first let me apologize from the bottom of my heart for not reading between the lines and knowing there was so much more to the story. I was flat out wrong, and hope that you can accept my sincere apology.

I remember, a while back, thinking about you and Larry and how much your love reminds me of my own relationship with Dennis. Larry is a gem and you deserve the best.

Anno...no no no...you have nothing to apologize for sweetie...my goodness...nothing. I know it's hard for folks to understand certain situations they're not in or haven't expereienced. I apologize if I made you feel bad.
I'm just super venting on this forum because I'm so darn frustrated with Larry's family. The common denominater in his family is lack of respect for others. Grady did it concerning his dad's tractor. LW did it with the truck. Michelle did it with her yelling and screaming at me instead of talking about things...his sister and her drug problem, and now his mom and it's like when do we get a break from all the crap? The bottom line is Larry has to learn to speak up and and I'm trying to guide him to that place...in the past it was more gentle than it was last night...last night I blew up and unloaded five years of frustration hoping he'd get the message. He did and he stepped up to the plate this morning and now he's hurting which hurts me but like Mountain Ash said, I'm looking at the bigger picture, which is hard for the members in Larry's family to do. Larry and I will talk more about this when he gets home and hopefully I can help him feel better about giving tough love to a parent and sibling who needed it. Larry is a gem, Anno, and I appreciate you saying that. So, no need to apologize at all...none at all. No offense is ever taken with any words of advice given on this forum...I know it's all in good spirits and with good intentions. So, no worries, okay?
Hugs Hugs Hugs

Ladies our homes are our sanctuaries and even though we may not have much control of whatever else goes on around us, we are the Queens of our castles, and I for one will NOT allow anyone in my home that may harm me or mine in any way. Life is too short to allow such shenanigans to occur right under our noses. Good for all of you Queens who realize and act on that... To the moat with the interlopers!

Oh, gosh, Chatty, are you the ghost of JJ while she is vacationing? Is the moat being monitored?

Dee, dear sweet Dee, I'm so sorry you and Larry have had to deal with such things. As time marches on I've become more and more protective of my home. In fact, hubby and I just had this conversation a few days ago. As Chatty said, life is too short to allow any negativity from others to enter our very carefully protected space now. I would never, ever allow such people near here. Drug users are desperate people and will do anything for their habit....why open yourself up to such...family or not? In my old life with husband number one (we were in the ministry), we had to open up our home to some very unsavory characters and were stolen from more than once. We also know the pain of being robbed (as we were 2 years ago at Christmas from drug people). No way. No more. You are totally in the right and have the right to enforce your wishes. Bless Larry....I'm sure it was difficult for him to enforce and I'm so glad he took the stand. He did that because he has a good woman behind him. So continue to protect that precious haven of yours!

I'm glad to hear Larry stepped up to the plate and spoke up to his mother. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him, but this kind of situation isn't easy for you, either. I feel like I may not have come across well yesterday and just want you to know I do understand what it's like to be in a situation like this (we have a few of those druggie/lying/stealing/don't give a darn about anything but themselves relatives too that I wouldn't trust within 10 feet of our home). My husband has gotten a little better about speaking up over the years but there are still times that I wish he would and he doesn't. (and when he does sometimes I feel like his family is looking at me thinking "she put him up to this, he'd never say that on his own", and it's not true........he has developed more backbone on his own, I think, since we first met 20 years ago. Plus after being ripped off by family members a few times or being let down by them, his attitude towards some of them has changed over the years).

Anyway I'm sure your proud of him for sticking to his guns and speaking up. I know I'd be proud of my husband in a similar situation.

MA is right - be sure to communicate to Larry how much you appreciate him. While it's imoportant for us to communicate when we're p o-ed, it's even more important to communicate when things go right. It's empowering. I totally believe in building others up.

Yes and a drawback when there is a crisis is..that we share with one or two friends.Also this forum.This can mean that we omit to let the important person know all the story.
We are spending the same energy shared around but must always go back to the source.In this case Larry.
There has to be a reason he took so long...maybe that they press buttons (the kind gentle button) on him that they know are there.Wheras we are one step removed.But care also.
So it Larry time..maybe a long day out...change the focus.
Also learn how not to reserect the issue.UNTIL and if the dreaded situation revisited.
People like his sister try and try again.Sometimes via a third party. But will get the message in time.
They move to next in line.
Keep vigilant wihout giving up your own power and happiness.
Mountain ash

In the High School I worked in I was party to much pastoral work.just before I moved to college drugs were starting to be an issue.
I have listened to Mothers in particular share their hurt.
My conclusion was.Drugs were King...God and Survival for the young person.Until a supported long term plan was undertaken.
What wlse but this mind shift would make a boy steal his Mothers rings..his Grandmothers drugs to share..empty the home of portable items that his parents worked hard for.

The only way I can understand is when I was cricitally ill in 1984.I was given morphine and had such a bad experience on it.My thinking askew.I was badly ill for eleven days .I was taken off the morphine and given something else.So if people use drugs..and have the opposite effect then they feel differently.
Drugs are essential. Pain control.People get rich without getting off their backsides giving them to the vulnerable.
My mission has been while teaching to show ways of building self esteme and use facilities like swimming pools and youth groups to become self aware.Lessening the need for seeking alternatives.
So by saying No..in your case Dee for your home and welbeing you are carrying the message.
Likely the MIL is so out of her depth being so close to the situation that she cannot comprehend your stand.So be it.

Simbiotic relationships work for those who engage.And MIL is paying a price for working the situation.
Maybe Larry needs to listen to a drug worker...to see the situation more clearly.
Of course I am sympathetic about the girl...but have chosen my corner...others may feel differently.
I pray no one I love will ever take my wedding ring to sell for drugs..and feel sad for every Mother who has this to contend with
Mountain ash

Bad guys target gentle Christians! I've witness it! The most wonderful people in the world can B destroyed by mean, nasty, cruel SOB'S with nothing better 2 do than crush sweet, loving people! Be alert! Be aware! Be safe!

Wow...friends...I needed your words of wisdom and support this morning and here they are, greeting me like the arms of a friend. The Hunk is still upset at the moment and is in his 'cave.' He's hurting and all I can do is give him space and take the advice of my BWS friends. I was pretty straight forward with him about some things he needs to be doing concerning those in his family who continue to walk on us and I did have to put my foot down about him speaking to his Mother and Sister. Unforunately, he's not at that point yet where speaking up feel comfortable, especially to his mom, so it was very, very hard on him. It's like rubbing the hair the wrong way...it doesn't feel good to him.
But, I know that in the end we're doing the right thing and I will continue to protect my home from those who we feel shouldn't enter due to illegal behavior. I think Larry's pride is hurting more than anything and once that subsides, he'll come around.
I will continue to tell him how proud I am of him, how hard I know all this is and let him know that he did the right thing by protecting his immediate family...him and me. It's hard having to give tough love to my husband. Very hard. Especially when I know that what I HAD to say hurt him. Tough love is just that...tough.

Dee, this place has been my sanctuary more than once this past year. Isn't it wonderful?

Yes, Anno, it is. It's wonderful. It's my soft place to fall...thanks Dotsie!!!

The hunk is coming out of his cave...we talked a bit today and he says he still hears his sister crying and he's sad about that. He said what's worse is he's lost both his younger sisters to drugs...he was around 14 when they were born and he was not just their big brother but he helped raise them and he feels, I'm thinking, like he failed somehow.
I tried to reassure him and provide empathy concerning tough love and remaining strong when we feel we want to cave in...and he told me Robin and his Mother are blaming me for this happening..I expected that and I am responsible for this stance and I'm not ashamed of it. Someone has to draw a line and Larry says it's not fair for them to be upset with me. Reason and drug addicts don't mix so it doesn't bother me that this is how it's looked upon. His mom is so into denial about where her role is in all this that it doesn't bother me there, either. I know we're doing the right thing...and Larry agrees that the last thing he wants is our home to be invaded by Robin's life style. I think Robin's been in our home 3 times in 3 years...so, it's not like she was a constant visitor anyway...she's upset because probably for the first time in her life she's not getting her way. I suggested to Larry that this may be a first step in Robin making a change in her life...he said he very much doubted that would ever happen...so all the more reason we did what we've done. Larry understands this is the right thing to do...he's just a tender-hearted man who sees two sisters' lives thrown away to drugs. His other sister is living in a van with her husband in the yard of a drug user. Thank God they stay to themselves and we're never around them unless they just happen to be visiting Larry's mom.
This is the perfect example of what happens when his parents changed their parenting styles with two different sets of kids. Larry's mom and dad first had his older brother, Larry and Shirley (I'm guessing withing 5 years apart or so)...they had rules, restrictions, consequences and spankings when needed. A huge gap (14 years) then two more girls come along...Robin and Cindy. They didn't have rules, didn't have consequences, came and went when they wanted, allowed to talk back to their parents and started using drugs in their early teens. The first 3 children are responsible, hard working, productive adults. The younger two...well, you know. What a difference having a backbone makes. I realize even good kids can get hooked on drugs or alcohol, but the two different raising styles are as obvious in their end result as night is to day.

Anno, JJ gave me the keys to the moat entrance and insisted it be cleaned daily. Haven't cleaned it yet however but have hired several rambunctious lads to come clean it the day before she gets back... What she don't know won't hurt her, LOL! Shhhhh!!!

The problem then Dee is when good kids get hooked on drugs, they are no longer good kids, and they fall fast and hard.

Tough love can save them, because allowing them to linger in this dreary drug induced state and get away with things is WRONG, then we become enablers...

Stand strong with your man, he'll get the gist of this tough love stuff by your example.

Thanks for the lovely PM...

Chatty...you're doing a great job tending to the moat!!! Just wanted to tell you that.

chatty, are those lads handsome moat boys?

Dee, again, you're following the right course of action. Unfortunately, you've waded through a lot of sh-- in the process.

If Robin were NOT related to Larry, would he let a lying, thieving, manipulative drug user with violent druggie friends come into his home? Of course not.

Being related by blood does not obligate him to be a doormat.

You can't change people who have no desire to change -- and it seems that neither Robin nor Larry's mother are changing anytime in the near future. You're much nicer than I would be in the same circumstances.

Thanks Merideth...yes, it's true you cannot change people...that's obvious in this situation. Everything you say is correct.
I'm curious...how would you handle this situation?

I hope you don't mind me butting in. Like everyone else, I'm distressed that you have to deal with this but understand your actions. If your husband is on board that his sister doesn't come over until she is drug-free, you have pretty much licked your biggest problem: him. Family members are used to the craziness and seem to be the last ones who can assess the situation rationally. I suspect that's why your husband feels as he does; he just wishes things were different.

The only mistake I think you might be making is in thinking that your MIL is supposed to be some sort of ally. In an ideal world she would be, but your husband's family is far from ideal. Whatever her good intentions may be, she's deeply enmeshed with her daughter and will continue to make excuses for her. Expect that. Do not expect her to respect your wishes without being prepared to dish out some consequences. If she shows up again with Robin, deny them both entrance, wish them well, and say you'll be happy to change things when everyone's healthy. Do not discuss the topic anymore, particularly with them. Frankly, this is like snapping a shark on the nose; he'll get the message right away. You know, it's the endless talking that wears everyone out. Once you have assessed the situation and made your own rules, enforce them and that's it. No talk.

My husband's relatives are all crazy and my sister isn't healthy either. I'm not saying this mildly; they're actually people who make you wonder if you'll need to call the police. I save crazy e-mails in case someone tries to start trouble. I have talked to confused doctors and health administrators about *their* crazy phone calls. My husband and I are legal guardians of his mother to keep her other children from stealing what little she has. And she is one of the most awful people God ever created: psychotic and incapable of forming any normal attachments. I do my duty and that's it. I long ago ceased to expect any kind of rational interactions with the rest of them. I understand they grew up in terrible circumstances but I can't change that. If they are nice, I'm decent. If they are not nice, they can deal with my silence. This is much easier for me because I really don't care about them and think they are a huge pain in the ass; sorry.

I think you have done your big work and know it has torn you up. Just continue to be supportive of your husband. The only other things I can think of are to meet them on neutral territory for the occasional meal or for him to go visit from time to time (assuming he feels safe over there).

If I have said something wrong, you are more than welcome to tell me to mind my own business. I'm certainly not aware of all your backstory. But after dealing with crazies for about 25 years, I sure feel sympathy. My relatives will never get any better, but I can and have put up a wall so they don't bother me too much.

Dee, just to say that I've been reading this thread all along, and listening to everyone's responses. I don't have any advice or suggestions - just a lot of heartfelt care for you and sorrow that you have to deal with this. We've had our share of in-law difficulties and I've spent a great deal of our marriage playing peace-keeper. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it, but in our case, we have to keep the doors and bridges open so we can spend time with our grandchildren. Our granddaughter in particular needs us in her life, so I'm willing to do just about whatever it takes to keep that door open and us in her life.

But we don't have to deal with drugs and stealing - that's a whole other kettle of fish, and would be a deal-breaker for me. Our house would be off limits, but we would probably compromise by gathering either on neutal territory or on their own turf.

Anyway, I just want to offer my care and heartfelt prayers and kudos to you for dealing with this so graciously. You are a lovely person and you inspire me in so many ways.

Ell...thanks so much for sharing and no you've not said anything wrong at all...one wonderful thing about Dotsie's place is that everyone is welcome to speak what's in their heart and on their minds...it's a community of sharing and I'm glad that this post brought you here and helped you share with us. I'm sorry to hear your in-laws are outlaws (so to speak). But, it sounds like you and your husband have everything under control and you're doing the right thing.

My MIL is a sweetheart and though she'd never tell me to my face, I know that I'm truly not 'family' because I'm not blood. Maybe it's natural...I don't know. I don't really resent her for her feelings...the only time I get ruffled is when she does what she did with Robin and I truly hope that she doesn't make excuses for doing that again. If she does, Larry and I will have to find out why and handle the situation then and there.

As for visiting my MIL I'm 90% not worried...10% apprehensive about Robin's reaction to all of this. Robin knows me well enough to know that I'm not going to tolerate her BS the way her mom does and so Robin pretty much hides in her room when I'm there...I'm sure this is what will happen for awhile. I will be nice and respective to anyone in Mom's home and I have the choice to leave if I feel uncomfortable or at risk from anything. I guess in the back of my mind there's always the thought that there's a slight possibility that Robin could snap under one of her schitzophrenic fits and freak out.
I know I'll never be 'flavor of the month' concerning some individuals in my inlaw's family but that's okay...I can live with that.

Larry's dealing pretty well with it all considering...he's used to watching Robin self-destruct...what he's not used to doing is having to be the one to speak up and take a stand against his sister ...it's not something he's used to doing and I'm proud of him because I know how hard it was for him.
Ell...again, if I didn't want folk's opinions I wouldn't post this personal stuff here...thanks for your feedback.

Thanks; It might be that you are not 'family' and get treated with some distance, but you might also feel the same way if you were a blood family member who did the same things. These huge dysfunctions are like a careful, weird dance and it's vital that everyone join in even if it's to their own detriment. Even still, it's not unusual for at least one sibling to refuse to play along. These folks are usually treated as 'mean.' In my husband's family the children reacted to the craziness by refusing to acknowledge that their mother was psychotic. The fact that she was profoundly mentally ill was obvious to anyone outside the family. My husband and I got a lot of opposition when we finally got her evaluated (involuntary) and medicated for the first time in her life. Not only were they not helpful, they even tried to interfere with her treatment. Any place we deal with is on notice that we and we alone are authorized to make decisions for her (I could tell some stories!); that's how bad they are.

Anyway, this is about you, not me. I can well see why you feel like an outsider: you married into the family and are just trying to apply common sense. I'm sure your husband wants that idea to prevail as well, but breaking these bonds without rejecting the people outright is very, very difficult. (and sometimes keeping them out of your life entirely is the only self-defense that makes sense.)

My MIL and I spoke on the phone last night...I called to see how she is...she made the first call to me and apologized so I want to let her know I'm here and care about her. I also spoke with my 'normal' SIL..she and I are really good friends and we spoke about her finding out she's going to be a grandma for the 2nd time. What we're all focusing on now is normal stuff and continuing with life....I plan on carrying on normally unless circumstances dictate differently. That's all one can do.

Ell...sounds like you've got your situation under control and know how to handle anything that might come your way concerning your own situation. I think JJ said it right...it takes love to step up and set boundaries and say 'no', and those who see it any other way just don't get it.

Dee, Ell gave some good advice as to how she's dealing with a bad family situation. The only thing I might add is -- write stuff down, what people say and do, with dates on it. Keep a copy for yourself, and give one copy to MIL. That way, with everything written, there will be less future arguments about what was said and done.

Merideth...I guess I'm not worried about getting that deep into proving anything with my MIL. I guess I don't want to get involved to that point...my MIL is a dear lady who has chosen her life style out of love for her daughter and out of manipulation from her daughter for 45 years...that I get...the more the family tries to get her to wake up, the more she protects Robin.
I wanted her to know that I understand her love and support for her daughter (although I think she's wrong), but she needs to understand my love and support for my husband and our home. I was making the line larry and I drew perfectly clear to her so there's no question down the road. If she drives up with Robin again I will not let either of them in. Period.
I hope it never comes to this but I am not afraid to take that stand if I have to. I continue to pray for mom to find some kind of peace within the walls of her own home which I know are full of stress and frustration...at 76 it cannot be easy to deal with a 45 year old drug addict whose mentality is less than stable and who is extremely self-centered.
I think my MIL understands and will respect our wishes...if not, Larry will remind her, again.
And I want to say again to all those who have responded to this forum 'thank you' for giving me support, ideas, suggestions and advice. Means the world to me...

Dee, I think you are a very insightful person to be wondering at the stress an old person feels at having to care for an unstable adult child. This is the parenting lottery no one wants to win; that woman will likely go to her grave never knowing any peace or relaxation. You're right, though: there's no reason to believe that your doing the same will help anyone, so you are right to set your boundaries, even if it's painful.

I hope you and your husband don't have to take the next tough step: getting conservatorship over his mother to protect her if things really get bad. My husband and I have done this with his mother and in some ways it's not as bad as I feared, for what that's worth.

Ell...we can look at photos of my MIL over the past few years and you can definitely see the difference stress plays in her life dealing with Robin. It's so sad.

Ell..Larry and his sister have spoken about this in the past...hopefully, it's something they won't have to do, but under the circumstances and with MIL getting older, it's likely that one day this may have to happen.

Since my talk with my MIL she hasn't come around...we've spoken on the phone but normally she visits on Saturday's with her boyfriend...I'm going to let her come around when she's ready and not force anything...I know she knows we're right on this issue...perhaps her pride was hurt a bit by us having to set her straight. I still care about her a great deal and always will...my MIL simply cannot see the forest for the trees.

It is difficult to see the trees when you are so entrenched in the forest. I hope your MIL sees some light soon.